Sleeping in the same bed again?

[BettyDraper]

My husband and I have been sleeping separately on most nights for years. The reasons for this are I am a night owl and my husband is a light sleeper. When I come to bed late, he wakes up and cannot go back to sleep.

 

I also snore very loudly and I'm embarrassed about that even though my husband says he doesn't care. My in-laws had plenty to say about my snoring the last time I stayed at their home and I was so ashamed that I never wanted to stay there again. Snoring is so gross and unfeminine.

 

We normally sleep beside each other on weekends and holidays when my husband doesn't have to work the next day. Now my husband has told me that we need to start sleeping in the same bed again because he enjoys cuddling me at night. My husband also thinks that sleeping in the same bed will make it much easier to be sexual because he won't have to get out of bed and come get me to have sex. He also thinks that spouses should sleep together.

 

I'm worried about my husband not getting enough sleep and I've come to enjoy being sprawled out alone in the spare bed. I realize that I have to consider my husband's emotional needs. He's far more affectionate than I am which has been a bone of contention. I find myself feeling somewhat suffocated by my husband's frequent need to hug, kiss and cuddle. He says that I act like a "restless toddler" when he tries to be affectionate; apparently I squirm so much that it's hard to hold me. I have tried to do better with this but it's very difficult because I'm just not as cuddly as my husband is. I don't need to sleep beside him either but I realize my viewpoints are not normal.

 

Any tips to make the transition easier?

[l8estnews]

I really don't know what to say to you other than try to be more affectionate. Girl, if you can't give him that, he might look for those stuff from others.

 

And that will be messy.

[BettyDraper]

I really don't know what to say to you other than try to be more affectionate. Girl, if you can't give him that, he might look for those stuff from others.

 

And that will be messy.

 

Cheating is always a possibility. However, I have recently decided to trust my husband completely since he has not done anything to make me suspicious. I also realized that my cynicism about men was poisoning our marriage.

 

As per my husband's wishes, I greet him at the door every evening with kisses. It feels fake because I'm not that kind of person but it also feels good to make my husband happy. Kissing is also enjoyable. We also cuddle every evening in bed because that's what he wants. I suppose sleeping beside each other again is the final stage in becoming a truly more demonstrative couple.

 

To be blunt, I accept that my way of approaching our marriage is unhealthy and weird. Most women would be glad to have a husband who can't keep his hands of them and here I am squirming and not wanting to sleep in the same bed again. Christ...what a sick person I am.

[Arieswoman]

BD,

You are not unusual.

 

I am married to a shift-worker and I'll be blowed if I'm going to be catapulted out of bed at 3.30.am because he has to go to work. So I sleep in the spare room.

On top of that he snores like a buzz saw, grinds his teeth, f@rts for England, talks a load of rubbish in his sleep and kicks his legs about.

 

The only time we sleep together is when he's on a late shift and I've got a day off work the next day.

 

He has a mouth guard he can wear to stop him grinding his teeth but it doesn't stop the rest of his antics. So if I get 5 hours sleep in the same bed as him I'm lucky.

 

On top of all that he likes to have his arm across me when he goes to sleep, and I find it really heavy. So I have to wait until he's dropped off and then move it...

 

Ah well......

[BluesPower]

Look into a CPAP machine to help with your snoring. You may have sleep apnea. This solved the snoring and the apnea for me.

[BettyDraper]

BD,

You are not unusual.

 

I am married to a shift-worker and I'll be blowed if I'm going to be catapulted out of bed at 3.30.am because he has to go to work. So I sleep in the spare room.

On top of that he snores like a buzz saw, grinds his teeth, f@rts for England, talks a load of rubbish in his sleep and kicks his legs about.

 

The only time we sleep together is when he's on a late shift and I've got a day off work the next day.

 

He has a mouth guard he can wear to stop him grinding his teeth but it doesn't stop the rest of his antics. So if I get 5 hours sleep in the same bed as him I'm lucky.

 

On top of all that he likes to have his arm across me when he goes to sleep, and I find it really heavy. So I have to wait until he's dropped off and then move it...

 

Ah well......

 

Thanks hon. I still think that most couples sleep in the same bed.

I also think that we can have a happy marriage while sleeping apart but my husband doesn't think so anymore.

Marriage is about compromise and making both people happy. My husband's needs are not unreasonable so I am going to try to meet them.

[SammySammy]

Intimacy is part of the glue that keeps relationships together. Not just sex, but the closeness.

 

He's missing that and I'm glad you're willing to fill that need. That's what good relationships are all about.

[Satu]

There is a lot that can be done to help with the snoring. Talk to your doctor about it.

 

Someone I know slept overnight in a medical sleep laboratory, and they found the cause of the problem and fixed it.

 

 

Take care.

[jen1447]

Why don't you want to be cuddly w him BD? Is he just cloyingly affectionate or is it sth deeper on some level, like revulsion? I kick the BF out of bed quite a bit but it's just bc I like 'owning' the bed and sometimes he intrudes on that or just rustles around too much or w/e (tho interestingly no such issues w women), but it's not bc I find him disgusting or anything.

[BettyDraper]

Why don't you want to be cuddly w him BD? Is he just cloyingly affectionate or is it sth deeper on some level, like revulsion? I kick the BF out of bed quite a bit but it's just bc I like 'owning' the bed and sometimes he intrudes on that or just rustles around too much or w/e (tho interestingly no such issues w women), but it's not bc I find him disgusting or anything.

 

Oh no...I think my husband is sexy.

 

I admit that I find him cloying with affection and need for time spent together.

 

When we were dating, I was the one who was chasing him for affection while he was more aloof and cold. Slowly the dynamic changed to what it is right now. When I was a pothead, I used to stay in our spare room and smoke without barely saying a word to my husband. I don't smoke or hide in my room anymore but my husband still thinks I am not affectionate enough.

 

If I don't greet my husband at the door every evening with kisses, he feels slighted and asks why I have not kissed him. If we don't cuddle after work for a few days, my husband will mention that and talk about missing my touch. Now he wants to sleep beside each other again for the reasons I've mentioned. I'm just more independent than he is and I don't need hugs and kisses all the time to feel loved. I guess I've matured and become more secure in his feelings since we started dating all those years ago.

[BettyDraper]

Intimacy is part of the glue that keeps relationships together. Not just sex, but the closeness.

 

He's missing that and I'm glad you're willing to fill that need. That's what good relationships are all about.

 

Thanks.

 

I think partners should be willing to fulfill each other's needs as much as possible.

[BluesPower]

His love language is touch...

 

I love to cuddle with my wife as well. Us usually after sex but not always. Sometimes I just like to hold her. It makes me feel good.

[jen1447]

Oh no...I think my husband is sexy.

 

I admit that I find him cloying with affection and need for time spent together.

 

When we were dating, I was the one who was chasing him for affection while he was more aloof and cold. Slowly the dynamic changed to what it is right now. When I was a pothead, I used to stay in our spare room and smoke without barely saying a word to my husband. I don't smoke or hide in my room anymore but my husband still thinks I am not affectionate enough.

 

If I don't greet my husband at the door every evening with kisses, he feels slighted and asks why I have not kissed him. If we don't cuddle after work for a few days, my husband will mention that and talk about missing my touch. Now he wants to sleep beside each other again for the reasons I've mentioned. I'm just more independent than he is and I don't need hugs and kisses all the time to feel loved. I guess I've matured and become more secure in his feelings since we started dating all those years ago.

 

It's one thing not to need them and another to actively avoid them or dislike them tho. Don't mean to be accusational w that, just trying to figure what could be underneath, bc if there sth down there it's prob the cause.

 

Anyway I don't know that forcing yourself to act affectionate is particularly healthy. It might satisfy his wants on the surface but if it's not genuine that's not good bc it isn't real.

[Mr. Lucky]

Snoring is so gross and unfeminine.

 

Look on Kickstarter and Indiegogo. There are many cost-effective new approaches for both the snorer and the person sleeping with them...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BettyDraper]

It's one thing not to need them and another to actively avoid them or dislike them tho. Don't mean to be accusational w that, just trying to figure what could be underneath, bc if there sth down there it's prob the cause.

 

Anyway I don't know that forcing yourself to act affectionate is particularly healthy. It might satisfy his wants on the surface but if it's not genuine that's not good bc it isn't real.

 

I didn't feel accused at all. You're just trying to see if there's more than meets the eye. No worries, Jen.

 

The only underlying reason I can think of is remembering how distant my husband was when we were dating. He was kind and gentlemanly but not as demonstrative. He took a longer time to fall in love than I did and I resented my husband for that. My husband also dumped me for stupid reasons and then came crawling back later. I took him back because I was in love.

 

I think I've forgiven him but perhaps my subconscious is protecting me. I believe that the one who loves less in a relationship has more power. Anytime I've been the one who showed more vulnerability and love to a man than he did, he always ended up taking me for granted and not being as caring.

[MidnightBlue1980]

Have you tried those nosestrips? My H wears them, he can snore pretty loud. They really work.

 

Obviously yes, see a doctor. Snoring can be from a lot of things. He snores more when he drinks beer or has put on weight.

 

As for the actual bed, get a big bed, a nice big bed. We have one of those Tempedic (spl) beds. You can move as much as you want and other person is unaffected. If its a big issue, get a king.

 

You can also get a white noise machine. We have a little fan. It really helps.

[BettyDraper]

Have you tried those nosestrips? My H wears them, he can snore pretty loud. They really work.

 

Obviously yes, see a doctor. Snoring can be from a lot of things. He snores more when he drinks beer or has put on weight.

 

As for the actual bed, get a big bed, a nice big bed. We have one of those Tempedic (spl) beds. You can move as much as you want and other person is unaffected. If its a big issue, get a king.

 

You can also get a white noise machine. We have a little fan. It really helps.

 

A large bed would not fit in our bedroom. It would also mean that we could only live in big houses with spacious master bedrooms and I want to have many options when we upgrade. Our queen bed gives us enough space to move around in but sleeping alone in a double is great. The bedding for King size beds is also expensive and I would have to start from scratch. We'll be keeping our queen size. I have tried the nosestrips but they wouldn't stay on my nose.

 

I know I should see a doctor for my snoring. It's just that I have so many health conditions for which I am already medicated. I would hate to find out that I have yet another disorder to contend with. Weight loss is special challenge for me because of my medications. Even when I lost a significant amount of weight due to coming of my medication and subsequently becoming very ill, I still snored like a buzzsaw which was sad. I hate it when people point out my snoring because it's rude.

 

Tonight I'm going to sleep beside my husband again on a weeknight for the first time in years.

[standtall]

CPAP machine and a king sized bed that has 2 separate sides...problem solved.

[ShatteredLady]

When you were smoking we're you an all day stoner, every night, all the time? Did you smoke for your whole relationship? How long ago did you stop?

 

Smoking vs not can make physical contact feel very different. It makes everything different! Could that be playing a part in you not wanting constant physical interactions?

 

I'm a lot more snugly than my H. Keeping the air conditioner running very cold at night makes him more comfortable & cuddly to avoid hypothermia!!

 

 

I know what it's like to have lots of different medical conditions. It sucks!! Just looking at all of my prescription bottles lined-up worries me at times. I know you don't want to be nagged BUT....snoring can be a symptom of something very serious!! My friend has put on a LOT of weight since having kids. She started passing out & was very tired all the time. She's had sleep studies done & she was having bad apnea. You can die!!!!

 

I know!! I hate facing (even more ugh!!!) health issues. PLEASE! Just suck it up & make an appointment.

[Bufo]

Betty. Seems you are doing a little more digging than when you started this thread. That is good. Have you tried to discuss this issue with him? Quite frankly, your H probably isn't playing a push/pull game with you as most sane people would soon tire of it.

 

I will leave the bedroom for the spare room when I can't sleep or I'm having a coughing fit. But I'll be back the next night. How often do you try to sleep the night together with or without sex?

 

Love Languages issue. You know that book? Is it possible that his love

language is touch and yours something else? I live with that every day.

And don't make too much of his early relationship reticence. Maybe he was standoff ish due to some earlier bad romances. Once bitten twice shy and all that. BTDT too. In any event he chose you. And did so some years ago. Is it possibly time to move on? For years I had an internal issue with W that arose before we were married. I finally figured out that I'd never get over it without some work on myself. And it worked.

 

Snoring? Yes there are devices to help. An ENT doctor may be able to help.

[BettyDraper]

When you were smoking we're you an all day stoner, every night, all the time? Did you smoke for your whole relationship? How long ago did you stop?

 

Smoking vs not can make physical contact feel very different. It makes everything different! Could that be playing a part in you not wanting constant physical interactions?

 

I'm a lot more snugly than my H. Keeping the air conditioner running very cold at night makes him more comfortable & cuddly to avoid hypothermia!!

 

 

I know what it's like to have lots of different medical conditions. It sucks!! Just looking at all of my prescription bottles lined-up worries me at times. I know you don't want to be nagged BUT....snoring can be a symptom of something very serious!! My friend has put on a LOT of weight since having kids. She started passing out & was very tired all the time. She's had sleep studies done & she was having bad apnea. You can die!!!!

 

I know!! I hate facing (even more ugh!!!) health issues. PLEASE! Just suck it up & make an appointment.

 

I smoked any time that I wasn't at work or school. I didn't smoke for the first two years of our relationship and I started up right before we were engaged. That was 7 years ago. I stopped about 1 year ago. Getting rid of the weed has changed my whole life. I am not nearly as lazy, I have better concentration, my sex drive is more fluid instead of urgent and frantic and I've become more muscular due to exercise. I do miss weed when I'm going through certain things but I don't want to go back to that. It nearly destroyed my marriage and I had a persistent cough as well as more colds.

 

SL, please don't worry about nagging me. Everyone who has suggested that I see the doctor is only trying to help. If I didn't want to hear opinions, I should not have mentioned my snoring even though that is not the real issue here. I've been in and out of hospitals since I was barely a year old. I have been close to dying many times and I've experienced rare but serious side effects of birth control pills which led to surgery on my liver. The following body parts of mine are defective: lungs, liver, kidneys, brain, cervix, knees.

 

I am sick and tired of doctors and hospitals. I'm probably not going to live very long anyway and I don't want any more goddamn pills or medical apparatus. I'm angry and sad that I never got to enjoy good health like most young people; I can't even drive due to one particular medical condition! I am not about to waste the short time I have left seeing doctors constantly or waiting around in depressing hospitals. I am certainly not going to drag around a CPAP machine for the rest of my life either. We are all going to die and some people come to end of the journey early. I am not fearful of death because my life has been filled with abuse and sickness.

 

My husband doesn't care if I snore and neither do most of my loved ones. The only people who have made snide remarks were my in laws. I don't like my snoring but I detest seeing doctors even more so I will just live with it.

[BettyDraper]

Betty. Seems you are doing a little more digging than when you started this thread. That is good. Have you tried to discuss this issue with him? Quite frankly, your H probably isn't playing a push/pull game with you as most sane people would soon tire of it.

 

I will leave the bedroom for the spare room when I can't sleep or I'm having a coughing fit. But I'll be back the next night. How often do you try to sleep the night together with or without sex?

 

Love Languages issue. You know that book? Is it possible that his love

language is touch and yours something else? I live with that every day.

And don't make too much of his early relationship reticence. Maybe he was standoff ish due to some earlier bad romances. Once bitten twice shy and all that. BTDT too. In any event he chose you. And did so some years ago. Is it possibly time to move on? For years I had an internal issue with W that arose before we were married. I finally figured out that I'd never get over it without some work on myself. And it worked.

 

Snoring? Yes there are devices to help. An ENT doctor may be able to help.

 

I'm not sure I understand your comment about push/pull games. My husband certainly played a lot of games with my feelings when we were dating, until I finally told him never to call me again until he figured out what he wanted. I told my husband that I loved myself more than I loved him at that point. Like I said, I resented him deeply for those actions but I believe I'm past it now. I don't think about that time anymore. I only mentioned it as a possibility since underlying reasons for my apparent coldness were brought up.

 

A more plausible explanation could be learning firsthand how little power there is in loving too hard and being too open. People will take advantage of those who are overly caring; this has especially been my experience in romantic relationships. I don't want to become one of those wives who is taken for granted and treated badly because my husband feels confident that my love knows no pride.

 

We sleep in the same bed twice a week and during holidays. I don't want to wake my husband because he's a light sleeper and I'm a night owl. However, my husband wants his wife beside him every night and I can't say that I blame him. He says that it feels great to hold me while we drift off and he enjoys being able to roll over and make love to me. "I didn't get married to sleep alone. It's sweet of you to care about my sleeping patterns but this has gone on for too long. We need to sleep beside each other like a normal married couple."

 

My husband's love languages are Touch, Quality Time and Acts of Service.

Mine are Words, Gifts and Acts of Service. Judging by my husband's concerns, I am lacking in the Touch and Quality Time departments. My husband is practically a recluse. He only sees his friends once every few years. I am my husband's only true friend and he likes it that way as an extreme introvert. I am far more extroverted than he is.

[Bufo]

Ouch. Not going to live long? I know the feeling all too well. In a few months I'll hit the average life expectancy for the condition I have. I could get lucky or maybe not. But that knowledge does not stop me from trying to live as well as I can now. Everybody is going to die sometime.

 

I can't smoke weed either. Have to give a blood sample for testing every month.

Positive for "street" drugs kicks me off a transplant list. And beer is a forbidden beverage!

 

Now that my bitching about my life is through. I have only one comment. Your H wants you to sleep with him. Is he complaining? If not, give it a try. It doesn't cost anything.

[pteromom]

I am like you, but more so. I do NOT like cuddling or being touched while I am sleeping. I am a light sleeper and I get very poor quality sleep that way. I think some compromise here is fine. As long as he is oepn to letting YOU be happy as well.

[BettyDraper]

Ouch. Not going to live long? I know the feeling all too well. In a few months I'll hit the average life expectancy for the condition I have. I could get lucky or maybe not. But that knowledge does not stop me from trying to live as well as I can now. Everybody is going to die sometime.

 

I can't smoke weed either. Have to give a blood sample for testing every month.

Positive for "street" drugs kicks me off a transplant list. And beer is a forbidden beverage!

 

Now that my bitching about my life is through. I have only one comment. Your H wants you to sleep with him. Is he complaining? If not, give it a try. It doesn't cost anything.

 

I can't smoke weed because I love it too much and it will consume my life. No more of that nonsense for me. I am too old for that and I don't have money to throw away on weed. I'm not 23 anymore.

 

I will give it a try. I actually fell asleep in the spare bedroom out of habit last night.

My husband commented on that and I told him that I was sorry. I will try sleeping beside him tonight.

Edited September 29, 2016 by BettyDraper