GirlOnline Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 Go to the doctor, he'll prescribe you something for snoring. Try to consume your energy during the day, that will make you sleep at night. Your husband is right. Husbands and wives should sleep togheter, not separate. Make an effort on this, because it sound like something else is the problem, not the minor which you are saying. Link to post Share on other sites
Ontos Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 Most women would be glad to have a husband who can't keep his hands of them and here I am squirming and not wanting to sleep in the same bed again. Christ...what a sick person I am. Can you elaborate on why you don't like cuddling, etc? Do you like it when he feels you up, say passing by you while your making coffee or getting ready? I love playful grabbing - (She doesn't:mad:) I'm like your hubby - I like physical touch and my wife cringes! How can this be?!? This is a "bone of contention" with us, too. I try to get in the shower with her, she hates. it. Frankly - I wish I'd married one of my exes who was much more affectionate. Can you shed some light on why you/she feels this way about touching?? Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 Betty, If either of you is not getting enough sleep it is not healthy. If you read a book "His Needs, Her Needs, you will find a mans primary need in a relationship is SEX. if you are keeping him ( and yourself happy) in that department, I am sure you can work through a rational discussion of the points you have stated here. I'd rather get greeted at the door by a vibrant woman who wants to jump my bones than one who is too sleepy to be bothered. I'm sure you can work this out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyDraper Posted September 30, 2016 Author Share Posted September 30, 2016 Can you elaborate on why you don't like cuddling, etc? Do you like it when he feels you up, say passing by you while your making coffee or getting ready? I love playful grabbing - (She doesn't:mad:) I'm like your hubby - I like physical touch and my wife cringes! How can this be?!? This is a "bone of contention" with us, too. I try to get in the shower with her, she hates. it. Frankly - I wish I'd married one of my exes who was much more affectionate. Can you shed some light on why you/she feels this way about touching?? I don't mind some cuddling but I don't like constant affection. It makes me feel suffocated. My husband loves to grope me as well; my butt often gets slapped and he loves to grab my breasts. Sometimes my husband will randomly kiss my breasts as well if we're at home. I tolerate this because I know men like to play with the women they love and my husband gropes me because he thinks I'm sexy. Another reason I don't care for cuddling all the time is sometimes I feel like my husband doesn't listen to me. This makes me reluctant to be touched. When we argue, my husband wants to make up very quickly by kissing and hugging. I need time to process our arguments before I can be cuddly again. My husband has expressed sadness that I am not affectionate so I am trying to change that for him. I used to physically push him away when he tried to touch me but I stopped that because he told me that hurt his feelings deeply. I also refrain from snapping at my husband when he is trying to make up with me after a fight. My husband loves to stare at me because he thinks I'm "captivating" and sometimes he peeks in the shower while I'm in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyDraper Posted September 30, 2016 Author Share Posted September 30, 2016 Go to the doctor, he'll prescribe you something for snoring. Try to consume your energy during the day, that will make you sleep at night. Your husband is right. Husbands and wives should sleep togheter, not separate. Make an effort on this, because it sound like something else is the problem, not the minor which you are saying. I know I have serious issues with being emotionally intimate. This manifests itself in my reluctance to be affectionate and close with my husband. I also realize that my intimacy issues come from being abused as a child and abusive relationships with men. We slept in the same bed last night. I kept the bed in the spare bedroom made up to remind me to go to bed with my husband. It was very nice. At one point, my husband told me to stay on my side so that he could spoon me but I refused because sleeping on my side all night is not comfortable. We did spoon at first though. My husband had no trouble getting back to sleep even though I go to bed later than he does. He sends me texts every day and he commented on how much he loved sleeping next to me. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
GirlOnline Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 Betty, Does your husband know about the problems in the past? Link to post Share on other sites
Cephalopod Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 I didn't feel accused at all. You're just trying to see if there's more than meets the eye. No worries, Jen. The only underlying reason I can think of is remembering how distant my husband was when we were dating. He was kind and gentlemanly but not as demonstrative. He took a longer time to fall in love than I did and I resented my husband for that. My husband also dumped me for stupid reasons and then came crawling back later. I took him back because I was in love. I think I've forgiven him but perhaps my subconscious is protecting me. I believe that the one who loves less in a relationship has more power. Anytime I've been the one who showed more vulnerability and love to a man than he did, he always ended up taking me for granted and not being as caring. You're a chaser. Chasers don't like to be chased. You've got him chasing you now and it turns you off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyDraper Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 10 characters. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyDraper Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 Betty, Does your husband know about the problems in the past? Yes. He is aware of what I have been through with men and how I was raised. Counseling has helped but it also made me aware that the scars will always be a part of who I am. This morning I woke up and my husband was not next to me. He was in the other room. I called his name and he climbed back into bed. My husband kissed me and said that he only left the room to read because he woke up at his usual weekday time. He didn't want to wake me. We ended up falling back asleep together. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 The medicine isn't as painful as the disease, is it? At least so far. Glad you survived and that he liked it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyDraper Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 The medicine isn't as painful as the disease, is it? At least so far. Glad you survived and that he liked it. Thanks. I never expected sleeping in the same bed as my husband to be difficult. I am just a creature of habit. Our anniversary is coming up and my husband and I have been discussing our marriage. He feels that sleeping in the same bed represents a new phase in our marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
greenshift Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 From a man's point of view: If my wife doesn't want to be in the same bed as me, it feels like she doesn't want anything to do with me. It's not about having to get up and walk to another room to "get sex." Believe it or not, many of us would like these things to happen organically, rather than "meet you at 8PM on Thursday." Society tells everyone that all men think about is sex. Well, it's not the ONLY thing, but it's pretty high on the list. Still, we manage, somehow, to hold down a job, read books, play with our kids, etc. We like it when our partner exhibits some interest in spending time with us alone, physically. A lot of women also like that. Having to knock on someone else's door because you're in the mood is a little humiliating. Also, I really just like snuggling with my wife at night. After awhile, it sometimes gets too hot, or one of us needs to flip a pillow, or one (or more...) of the kids comes in and jumps in bed. (They're small. It's not that weird.) But, even having that few minutes or hours before distractions set in is invaluable. It's one of the things that tells me that she loves me. As for snoring and in-laws: How do you spell **** off without pissing off the forum software? 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyDraper Posted October 4, 2016 Author Share Posted October 4, 2016 From a man's point of view: If my wife doesn't want to be in the same bed as me, it feels like she doesn't want anything to do with me. It's not about having to get up and walk to another room to "get sex." Believe it or not, many of us would like these things to happen organically, rather than "meet you at 8PM on Thursday." Society tells everyone that all men think about is sex. Well, it's not the ONLY thing, but it's pretty high on the list. Still, we manage, somehow, to hold down a job, read books, play with our kids, etc. We like it when our partner exhibits some interest in spending time with us alone, physically. A lot of women also like that. Having to knock on someone else's door because you're in the mood is a little humiliating. Also, I really just like snuggling with my wife at night. After awhile, it sometimes gets too hot, or one of us needs to flip a pillow, or one (or more...) of the kids comes in and jumps in bed. (They're small. It's not that weird.) But, even having that few minutes or hours before distractions set in is invaluable. It's one of the things that tells me that she loves me. As for snoring and in-laws: How do you spell **** off without pissing off the forum software? When we slept separately, my husband and I would have sex soon after he came home. That mitigated the need to come looking for me but my husband still prefers me to sleep beside him so that we can make love more spontaneously. You're right that men love to spend time with women they love regardless of whether or not sex happens. I've now made it a point to go to the basement and sit with my husband even if I'm reading or messing around online. This makes my husband happy because he can kiss me and grab my hand rather than being in the basement while I stay in our office. My husband adores holding me in bed. As soon as I climb into bed with him, he wants to spoon and nuzzle my neck. I must say that I enjoy that very much as well. Ever since we started sleeping in the same bed, I have found it much easier to be affectionate. Oxytocin is powerful! As for my in-laws, my FIL is a very nice man. I can see where my husband got his easygoing and kind nature from. My MIL is another story altogether-she's a very miserable and jealous woman. I'm glad that my husband stands up for me because I was raised not to contradict elders. I am respectful to my MIL partly because I want to be the more mature and better person. I remember that she raised the man I love and that helps me be nice to her. Link to post Share on other sites
spanz1 Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 there is about a 50% chance that a dental appliance will completely cure your snoring. Try one. they are available online, like "Puresleep" brand Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 BettyD, I think it's great that you are always concerned about keeping your husband happy. Some spouses could care less. Anyway, that's all I wanted to say, I have no advice. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 If you are willing to try sleeping in the same bed, I would strongly recommend a good-sized bed with a quality mattress. It makes ALL the difference. Get at least a queen, a king if possible. If you aren't, there are still compromises that can be made. Do you not enjoy cuddling with him? If not, why not? If you do, and it's just the sleeping that is the issue, then why not cuddle with him before he goes to bed, regardless of which bed you are sleeping in? Snoring can be an issue, but given that you're the snorer and he's the, uh, snore-ee ... I think it's his prerogative to decide whether he can sleep with the snoring or not. If he's okay, you should accept. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyDraper Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 If you are willing to try sleeping in the same bed, I would strongly recommend a good-sized bed with a quality mattress. It makes ALL the difference. Get at least a queen, a king if possible. If you aren't, there are still compromises that can be made. Do you not enjoy cuddling with him? If not, why not? If you do, and it's just the sleeping that is the issue, then why not cuddle with him before he goes to bed, regardless of which bed you are sleeping in? Snoring can be an issue, but given that you're the snorer and he's the, uh, snore-ee ... I think it's his prerogative to decide whether he can sleep with the snoring or not. If he's okay, you should accept. I asked my hubby if he thinks we need a larger bed and he said no. I'm fine with it as well; our bed is a very comfortable pillowtop queen. I enjoy cuddling with my husband but the main issue is that he needs far more cuddling than I do. My husband is wonderful to me so I owe it to him to meet him halfway. My husband wants to be closer in many ways and sleeping together is just one of them. He wants to hold me all night long. It's very romantic of him. Our marriage has changed immensely since we bought our house, I stopped smoking weed and embraced a healthier lifestyle. I am more aware of my intimacy issues as well as my husband's emotional and physical needs. Snor-ee?! Too funny. He can sleep beside me snoring and wears earplugs when it gets particularly loud. Sometimes my husband snores as well but not as loudly as I do. Link to post Share on other sites
Els Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 (edited) I asked my hubby if he thinks we need a larger bed and he said no. I'm fine with it as well; our bed is a very comfortable pillowtop queen. I enjoy cuddling with my husband but the main issue is that he needs far more cuddling than I do. My husband is wonderful to me so I owe it to him to meet him halfway. My husband wants to be closer in many ways and sleeping together is just one of them. He wants to hold me all night long. It's very romantic of him. Our marriage has changed immensely since we bought our house, I stopped smoking weed and embraced a healthier lifestyle. I am more aware of my intimacy issues as well as my husband's emotional and physical needs. Snor-ee?! Too funny. He can sleep beside me snoring and wears earplugs when it gets particularly loud. Sometimes my husband snores as well but not as loudly as I do. Well, the bolded sounds nice in romance novels and maybe during the occasional vacation together... but to be fair I don't think most couples literally hold each other all night long every night. My SO and I sleep in the same bed, and we cuddle before we sleep (and in the morning on weekends), but when it's actually SLEEP time we each get our own space (hence the need for the queen bed). We do sleep side by side sometimes and I like feeling his warmth next to me, but we'd never try holding the other person after they fell asleep, it would just wake them up. I can't imagine sleeping with someone who literally wants to hold you ALL night, I'd never get any sleep that way. So I'd say your H needs to manage his expectations a bit, but it's good that you're going to compromise and sleep together. Edited October 5, 2016 by Elswyth Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 BD, I don't remember why you came to LS so this is why I ask was their an EA, PA in your marriage? I do not have to snuggle up tight. Though I do sleep better when I can feel my wife is next to me. So my wife tries to maintain close to constant contact through the night. We both seem to like her wrapping her leg over mine. She does not feel squashed and yet it allows us enough freedom to move around enough while still maintain contact. Though we may spoon as well, but we never limit how we make contact. For the goal is just contact. Neither one of us can stay in one position all night. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyDraper Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 BD, I don't remember why you came to LS so this is why I ask was their an EA, PA in your marriage? I do not have to snuggle up tight. Though I do sleep better when I can feel my wife is next to me. So my wife tries to maintain close to constant contact through the night. We both seem to like her wrapping her leg over mine. She does not feel squashed and yet it allows us enough freedom to move around enough while still maintain contact. Though we may spoon as well, but we never limit how we make contact. For the goal is just contact. Neither one of us can stay in one position all night. Nope. There is no cheating in our marriage as far as I'm aware. I agree that staying in one position all night is difficult if not impossible. My husband just likes to hold me as much as he can and that's not possible if we aren't even in the same bed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyDraper Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 Well, the bolded sounds nice in romance novels and maybe during the occasional vacation together... but to be fair I don't think most couples literally hold each other all night long every night. My SO and I sleep in the same bed, and we cuddle before we sleep (and in the morning on weekends), but when it's actually SLEEP time we each get our own space (hence the need for the queen bed). We do sleep side by side sometimes and I like feeling his warmth next to me, but we'd never try holding the other person after they fell asleep, it would just wake them up. I can't imagine sleeping with someone who literally wants to hold you ALL night, I'd never get any sleep that way. So I'd say your H needs to manage his expectations a bit, but it's good that you're going to compromise and sleep together. My husband's a romantic man who has patiently dealt with a wife who was cold and distant for years. There were reasons for my coldness but now we're both ready to embrace a new phase in our marriage. Strangely, my husband is very pragmatic and logical in other areas of life but he's a complete mushball when it comes to me. In some ways, this makes up for all of the trauma and abuse I have suffered in my life. I don't think there is anything weird about holding your spouse after they fall asleep. It actually feels wonderful. All couples are different so I don't like to judge other spouses for what they do unless one of them is being hurt badly. I've read that queen beds are the most common size for couples. It's easy to see why. We slept in a double bed during the early years of our marriage when we were too poor to buy a larger bed. It was hell because my husband is 6'2. Buying a queen sized bed made a world of difference. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted October 9, 2016 Share Posted October 9, 2016 This should teach me a lesson. Guess who got booted from the marital bed? You're right, that would be me. Just because our son is getting married next Saturday and I managed to catch a cold. My wife wants me several feet away or more at all times until the wedding is over. So I'm sleeping alone in sonny's old bed. I hope my wife doesn't learn the joys of solitude too well this week. Link to post Share on other sites
Author BettyDraper Posted October 12, 2016 Author Share Posted October 12, 2016 This should teach me a lesson. Guess who got booted from the marital bed? You're right, that would be me. Just because our son is getting married next Saturday and I managed to catch a cold. My wife wants me several feet away or more at all times until the wedding is over. So I'm sleeping alone in sonny's old bed. I hope my wife doesn't learn the joys of solitude too well this week. Congrats to your son! Your post made me smile. I bet your wife will miss having you next to her. Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted October 14, 2016 Share Posted October 14, 2016 Thank you. Cold is now 3 weeks old. I'm sick of it. Only good thing is loss of appetite so I'm not eating too much before the wedding festivities. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts