I've been living in a bubble.

[mikeylo]

I don't want him to be numb like I was. I'm doing everything to regain his trust.

 

Regain trust AND invest emotionally in him. Stop talking to other 'friends'. Have you dumped them already? You are going to have a hard time dumping them. They know what they have been planting in your head , so seeing you blocking them, they wont like it. Get a thicker skin and choose your love.

[preraph]

We actually have separate accounts. I have money saved already. It seems like he controls me by making me feel bad, he knows my family is everything to me, nothing else would work or keep me around.

 

Thank goodness you had the foresight to put money away!! I advise all women to always do this; otherwise, you can end up trapped.

 

Listen, once you think it all through, do not try to do anything without first hiring a family-law attorney. Do NOT share an attorney with him or let him pay for YOUR attorney. Because he is going to put up a big fight to try to keep control over you and that will include threatening you every way possible to tell people and judges that you are an unfit mother, etc. I promise you I have seen this over and over in my work. He is controlling already and he will go nuts when he finds out that you may leave him. So when you do it, don't even tell him until he is served the papers through the attorney, and then go be in a safe place during that time. But talk to the attorney about whether it's fair for you to take the kids. I think it will be just for that short time, but it can't be viewed as running off with them, but I think most family judges would acknowledge that kids and wife being around right after the man is served with papers isn't the safest thing. Do what your attorney tells you to do in that regard, and that's the other reason you need one, so you don't make a critical error, like leaving your kids with him to keep yourself safe, which could then be called abandoning them in a court of law.

 

Just think it through, keep it to yourself, and then hire an attorney if you decide you must get out. Good luck whatever you do.

[Helivesforme]

I was just exposed to a lot when I started working in my new profession 4 years ago, my dh says I changed, that I'm into myself too much. I'm too concerned about how I look and what ppl think. It's not that. I just take better care of myself and am evolving into a more mature woman. I know what I want and I am going after my goals. I now refuse to let anything stand in my way including him. He sees the men that I work with as a threat. He asks me if I love him, if I want to grow old with him. If we are going to be like the notebook all the time. It is kinda draining sometimes, knowing that I am responsible for his happiness and for his well being. He has improved quite a bit since he was promoted. Before his promotion he saw my promotion as a threat and thought I would leave him for someone that had a higher income. Again, for some reason I think he feels like less of a man if he has insecurities.I have suggested in the past that we separate , just to work on ourselves and to regain control of our lives as individuals but he refused. He said being separated is like being divorced, he said doesn't want to play games and will not accept us being apart and then potentially getting back together. He's plain black and white, either we stay together or we don't. He says he will not want to be with me again if we ever took a break. I think he's thinking I'm going to date and hook up with dudes and then go back to him. This is not the case. I just want him to be able to stand on his own 2 feet. I do not want his happiness to be based solely upon our relationship. He relies on my son and I to give him a reason for life in general. He doesn't seem like the suicidal type, but he wants me to promise him forever today. I tell him I cannot control the future but I do want to work on us.

Edited September 30, 2016 by Helivesforme

[MJJean]

You do realize that you are free to separate whether he likes it or not, right?

[preraph]

Stop looking at the getting the kids to school and backs as insurmountable. For one thing, most places have busses to take them to school. But it doesn't matter because a judge an order who does what even if you are no longer living together. He will get joint custody of the kids, and you should insist on that, no matter what excuses he makes because you will need a full-time job too, so with joint custody, you won't be the only one having to take off work and pick the kids up, etc.

 

The judge can order that one of you takes them and one picks them up and you can work that out. It's better if custody is one takes the kids for 4 days and then hands them over just because you see the ex less, but not everyone can do that. So most places offer a course in how to get along with your ex for your children's sake during child exchanges and some order a mediator to do it so you never have to come face to face. You can both still run them to school, but you will be responsible on the days you have custody for everything except the essentials like getting them to school, so you may have to make some adjustments, like more activities, less activities for them and they may not get to do every single thing they want when they want. Then you find a job that allows you to do whatever you have to do, just the essentials. You can't expect an employer to allow anything beyond that.

[NTV]

Actually I think he sounds pretty smart on at least half the stuff he's said.

 

I also think that if you speak the way you type the directness you're getting from him that sounds like emotional abuse is actually him trying to be truly heard and have his words valued.

 

But who am I? Just some stranger on the Internet.

[Helivesforme]

Stop looking at the getting the kids to school and backs as insurmountable. For one thing, most places have busses to take them to school. But it doesn't matter because a judge an order who does what even if you are no longer living together. He will get joint custody of the kids, and you should insist on that, no matter what excuses he makes because you will need a full-time job too, so with joint custody, you won't be the only one having to take off work and pick the kids up, etc.

 

The judge can order that one of you takes them and one picks them up and you can work that out. It's better if custody is one takes the kids for 4 days and then hands them over just because you see the ex less, but not everyone can do that. So most places offer a course in how to get along with your ex for your children's sake during child exchanges and some order a mediator to do it so you never have to come face to face. You can both still run them to school, but you will be responsible on the days you have custody for everything except the essentials like getting them to school, so you may have to make some adjustments, like more activities, less activities for them and they may not get to do every single thing they want when they want. Then you find a job that allows you to do whatever you have to do, just the essentials. You can't expect an employer to allow anything beyond that.

 

I work graveyard, don't have anyone I can rely on to care for our son while I'm at work. I felt like I was at his mercy.. I think it may be my natural response, defense mechanism,, not allowing myself to depend on him to support me.. So I might have to add inconvenience to my parents lives.. By asking them to help me.. I do not like to ask for help because I've used to doing everything on my own... Since the age of 16... I moved out at 20.. Supported myself financially since 16.... I love being independent.

[preraph]

But once you have kids, you are not independent. Anyway, you will obviously have to make huge life changes to make a change in your status. There are medical care workers working graveyard all over the place who have kids. There are ways to do it. But you might just need to change jobs. I mean, I will tell you for sure you cannot just keep things just like they are and make that big of a change to leave him. He will get joint custody, and that will give you some time. You will not have the option to not have him involved unless he tells you he doesn't want any part of the kids. But if he does THAT before the judge, then he will have to pay the maximum child support and keep a roof over your heads because he can't just do nothing. My guess is he will try to get sole custody just to control you. So the kids will be staying with him half the time. You'll have to make life changes to accommodate everything. There's no way to keep things as they are. This will require massive change.

[wmacbride]

Well he is constantly on me, like right when I wake up he asks me if I'm ok, when I come home he asks me if I'm ok, will follow me to the bathroom and says we never have time to talk, that he is not important to me. That he wishes I loved him as much as he loves me. He says all we need are each other. Sometimes I feel like I'm not deserving of his love because I should be just as obsessed with him as he is with me, I would be just fine without him and don't need him financially but do want to be with him. He says I'm the only female in his life that has been stable. He doesn't have a good female role model living. His mom was horrible to him, he is not close to his sister 7 yr age gap. His grandma passed 8 yrs ago which he adored. He cried for the first 2 weeks , couldn't sleep, couldn't eat when I told him I didn't want to be with him, it got worse after he found out I was texting a male coworker. He couldn't sleep, and I felt disgusted with myself .. I wasn't thinking about his feelings at the time , I wanted out. Now I'm back on planet earth and trying to figure out what it is I want..

 

Look, you really are all over the place here, and you need to sort all this out.

You say in one breath he has no friends or interests, yet complain because he went to friend's wedding when you needed him.

 

You say he didn't ave a good female role model, yet then say he was devastated when his grandmother died

 

You say that he said you never had time for him, which is a legitimate concern, but then say you took the backshift ( graveyard shift) and hardly ever see him.

 

You say you care, and that you are disappointed in him for not trusting you at work, and look what happened? You met a man, started texting him, and began at least an emotional affair.

 

I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but placing the fault on his shoulders for the state of your marriage and you choosing to cheat won;t help you.

 

What has been YOUR role in the marriage? How have you failed him( beyond the A) ? Counseling will help you both sort all of that out and find better ways of interacting with each other.

 

I would also caution you against armchair diagnosis of your relationship type, especially using a pop culture list of "symptoms". It's impossible to give a clear analysis of your relationship type when one is only getting one side of the equation.

 

One more question, have you ever given much thought to the idea that you may not be cut out for marriage? Not everyone is, and sometimes, they would be happier single. Does that sound like you?

[mikeylo]

I agree. There are a lot of contradictory statements here.

 

I guess, they better split. There is nothing in this for him. Her entire attention and affection is on other men and when it comes to him, she has all the excuses and brings up her past issues and bringing up.

 

OP, you do realize everyone has a breaking point and your husband might have reached it.You can't give him anything. Accept that and let him go. He deserves your undivided affection ,attention and emotional investment. He doesn't deserve your side pieces ( other guy friends aka side kicks )alongside you. Just like you wouldn't. There are people who agree that since you are ultimately coming home to them, so if you get your thrill and excitement outside, it's acceptable. You might be happier there.

[NuevoYorko]

. I do not like to ask for help because I've used to doing everything on my own... Since the age of 16... I moved out at 20..

I think you've said many times that you were already married at the age of 18, and with this guy some time before that. So ... which is it?

[Helivesforme]

I think you've said many times that you were already married at the age of 18, and with this guy some time before that. So ... which is it?

 

No starting dating dh 18. Married since 2012.

[elaine567]

Seems to me this man wants a "traditional" marriage, where he is the breadwinner, he gets a kept wife who looks after his children, +/- part-time job and she is as besotted with him as he is with her.

She looks past his faults and flaws and everything is just hunky dory.

 

The OP may indeed have been the person he needs and wants when she was 18, but in the meantime she has grown up. She was hurt over his past misdemeanours and how she has been treated by him and she carries a load of resentment with her.

She wants to be a modern woman, out in the workplace getting promotions, being a person in her own right, not a Stepford wife who is merely an extension of her husband.

NO doubt his ideas have been fostered by his close relationship with his grandmother who most likely advocated a more traditional type of marriage.

 

Yes the OP can bow down to pressure here, wear the hair shirt, knuckle down to "family life", accept her husband unconditionally, put any thoughts of other men on the back burner, wander around like an earth mother, sacrifice her own profession whilst he goes from strength to strength with her unwavering support.

BUT if that is NOT who she truly is, then it will all unravel again fairly quickly.

 

He needs a home-maker, she needs a man who will accept an ambition driven woman.

[mikeylo]

Seems to me this man wants a "traditional" marriage, where he is the breadwinner, he gets a kept wife who looks after his children, +/- part-time job and she is as besotted with him as he is with her.

She looks past his faults and flaws and everything is just hunky dory.

 

The OP may indeed have been the person he needs and wants when she was 18, but in the meantime she has grown up. She was hurt over his past misdemeanours and how she has been treated by him and she carries a load of resentment with her.

She wants to be a modern woman, out in the workplace getting promotions, being a person in her own right, not a Stepford wife who is merely an extension of her husband.

NO doubt his ideas have been fostered by his close relationship with his grandmother who most likely advocated a more traditional type of marriage.

 

Yes the OP can bow down to pressure here, wear the hair shirt, knuckle down to "family life", accept her husband unconditionally, put any thoughts of other men on the back burner, wander around like an earth mother, sacrifice her own profession whilst he goes from strength to strength with her unwavering support.

BUT if that is NOT who she truly is, then it will all unravel again fairly quickly.

 

He needs a home-maker, she needs a man who will accept an ambition driven woman.

 

Then she needs to set him free and then pursue as many men as she wants. We all evolve during our marriages. Since she was not affectionate to him, did he go around getting affection from other women ? Morals. OP lost on morals.

 

Where was he getting his emotional needs met from while she was getting them from other men ?

[Helivesforme]

I actually cannot say what my dh would do if I did all the things I did to him, can't compare an EA with all the disappoints from his end over our decade and some together. He says ever since I started my new job with this company 4 years ago things have changed . I'm not looking to pursue other men just my career.

[NuevoYorko]

No starting dating dh 18. Married since 2012.

Well I'm confused. In any case, if you "moved out" at 20 (I'm assuming from your parents' home) and you've been with your husband since you were 18, I'm not seeing even a year of independence or doing "everything on your own." In any case, I agree with elaine567. Your marriage has run its course. I'm not sure how many different words and ways you can express this but you've done a good job of it by now.

[Helivesforme]

I have been financially supporting myself, not expecting you to understand. That's how I've been independent.