Thoughts of the OW: Rose-Tinted Glasses - Part 1

[Vivir]

I apologize in advance. This might be long.

 

Foreward:

 

Hello all. I am new here. I have been reading this forum almost nonstop since this past weekend. While I will refrain from sharing my story, because really, it is no different than anyone else’s, I would like to share my thoughts, which I wrote in the later stages of being an OW to a MM. I own my part: I agreed to an affair because I was gravely lonely and thought I could handle being a part-time lover; I was also starving for affection. His real life wasn't real to me, per se, because I never saw it.

 

The affair lasted for 13 months and came to a final end four weeks ago today after I did some boundary busting investigative work. I learned through snooping that they had had a baby in January. I had asked him about this on three different occasions, and he had maintained that he only had two children from a previous marriage. I saw pictures of her and of them together … and reality punched me hard in the face… and I just couldn’t bring myself to continue in any capacity – cutting off the pseudo-friendship that had been dragging on past the questionable, merry-go-round end of the physical aspect.

 

At first, I was sick to my stomach. Then I was ok. During the third week of low contact, I became very depressed and filled with shame. This week is no different. I read a previous thread about thoughts of the OW, and thought I would share mine. Please, feel free to share your thoughts with me. I find that I am very much alone these days and reeling and these threads help me to feel better. Thanks in advance.

 

BTW, statements in parentheses constitute thoughts I had after the fact.

 

No Borrowing is a CORE VALUE by which to live (NML of baggagereclaim.co.uk).

 

Rose-tinted Glasses

Someone to hold, who wants to hold me back – if even just for a little while.

I love it when he tells me why he chose me (because I was an “easy” target, proven by the fact that I participated. Proven by the fact that he admitted he had intended to involve me in an affair). I love it when he tells me I am beautiful (you know, on the inside. women who are beautiful on the outside are the ones they buy fancy houses for. Not the women who struggle in every instance to become more attractive. Not the women who toil away in manual labor). I love it when he calls me and sits on the phone with me for hours (making sure I am unavailable for anyone else who might want to be more fully present in my life). I love it when he has bursts of energy and talks and talks and talks (mostly superficial filler, but also telling me who he really is so I can more easily make the decision to walk away). I love to learn things about him (to prove our ‘connection’). Like, I had no idea he is afraid of heights (utterly superficial and unnecessary information).

He is incredibly beautiful (on the outside, which adds no long-term value, let’s be real). I really should’ve tried harder to join the military, because I swear all of the good looking men are hiding there (some of the craziest ones, too).

 

Stress relief (and stress inducer)

 

We’ve been building a connection for eight months, but it only lasts while he is at work or stealing (small amounts of) time from his wife and family (a very limited capacity, crumbs is the operative word).

 

He is the man I chose above all of the others (fantasy), but that was before I knew he was married. (Now that I know he is married, he is actually unavailable and inappropriate as a choice; thus, he is not a choice.)

 

He feels that my feelings for him are not real if I can leave him. That is so far from the truth, however. He seems angry that I want to end it. He knows that I am on shaky ground and that I might cave very easily. (He has taken advantage of this knowledge more than once, and I have let him. As if to say, “Yes, please tell me who you are so I can use it to my advantage.” Manipulation at its finest.)

 

He says that I relax him (it is all about him), and I cannot help but feel empowered by that (which is ridiculous). Because I am fond of him, I want to make him happy. Having this affair makes him happy. He was wounded more than once while in a warzone, and I have rationalized that it is my civic duty as an American to do whatever he wants to do (I know this is crazy, but I actually used this excuse to rationalize our affair).

 

He seemed/seems genuinely interested in me (except the times when his actions prove he isn’t). I cannot help but feel that he would’ve been my future husband had he been single, but of course that is… a daydream (if he had been single, it is highly likely I would not have been on his radar at all. He would’ve had little use for me). He is not single, nor is he available for a mutually fulfilling relationship. We have eaten P.F. Chang’s at the house, but have never been out on a date (and I have paid for everything we have done together.).

 

My intimacy needs are met for the most part, but my sexual satisfaction is not (I was merely a vehicle for his satisfaction; a physically substandard emotional airbag substitute for a very beautiful woman I later learned had been pregnant! and then nursing). I am selfish in wanting to keep the little that I have with him, especially because I have waited so long for something and I am not confident that I will meet someone else who wants more with me… so why give him up? I am so tired of not sharing my life and myself with a companion. (By participating, I took my own self off the market for a mutually fulfilling relationship with anyone else.)

 

__there is a part 2__

[heartwhole]

Thanks for sharing. You seem to have gained a lot of insight since first writing your thoughts down a few months ago.

[rainbowsandkittens]

I related to so much of what you wrote in both your posts. I know how much it hurts: knowing you gave so much to a person who didn't give that much back, feeling like you were used even though they swore up and down they weren't using you, wanting so much for but accepting so much less.

 

I swear I could have written this:

 

I own my part: I agreed to an affair because I was gravely lonely and thought I could handle being a part-time lover; I was also starving for affection. His real life wasn't real to me, per se, because I never saw it.

 

also this:

 

especially because I have waited so long for something and I am not confident that I will meet someone else who wants more with me… so why give him up? I am so tired of not sharing my life and myself with a companion.

 

I kept saying I would be ok if he left bc I wasn't that involved, didn't see him that often, knew what this was, blah blah total bs blah. I believed so much of what he told me. Or I ignored the bells going off in my head.

 

I love your phrase "emotional airbag." I told my xMM that I was his emotional release valve. His feelings of frustration and sadness and resentment towards his partner/ life would build up and then he would use me to take the pressure off. And then he could go back to his life refreshed.

 

It's a terrible feeling that lasts longer than any of us would like. But you're on the uphill climb now. A lot of people here say, "NC means no new hurts" and it's really true. (Don't tell them that I am fully capable of creating new hurts for myself when I imagine how great his life must be right now. Without me.) You are on your way to gaining your self esteem back, of being true to yourself again, to having the life and love that you really want. I say this bc I believe it's true for you and me and everyone else on here. You're headed in the right direction!!

 

And a man who starts seeing someone when his wife is pregnant and then nursing is gross. So selfish. So low. My xMM did this too- not with me but with one of his (3 other) APs.

[SeenNotHeard]

Thank you for sharing. You nailed it. By encapsulating these thoughts, feelings and ideas it really hit me like a ton of bricks, forgive the cliche.

[SeenNotHeard]

[quote=rainbowsandkittens;7069221

 

And a man who starts seeing someone when his wife is pregnant and then nursing is gross. So selfish. So low. My xMM did this too- not with me but with one of his (3 other) APs.

 

Agree! Yuck!

[ladydesigner]

He feels that my feelings for him are not real if I can leave him. That is so far from the truth, however. He seems angry that I want to end it. He knows that I am on shaky ground and that I might cave very easily.

 

I cannot stand WS that do this to their OW. I mean come on he is married and expects you to be his one and only

 

What about him? If he cannot leave his wife for you does that mean his feelings aren't real?

[Vivir]

Heartwhole, Rainbowsandskittens, Seennotheard, and Ladydesigner: I just want to say Thank You All for reading and responding to my post. Forgive me for not writing this sooner.

[Vivir]

Well, Ladydesigner... [please note my dripping sarcasm] leaving a marriage is a lot harder than leaving a girlfriend... I was supposed to be understanding and wait, because "We never know what's going to happen in the future..." in the meantime, I get to be unavailable for available potential suitors.

 

I suppose it's not his fault. All I had to do was say NO and walk away. He wasn't holding a gun to my head :-(

[Vivir]

Thank you for sharing. You nailed it. By encapsulating these thoughts, feelings and ideas it really hit me like a ton of bricks, forgive the cliche.

 

SeenNotHeard, I posted this journal entry as a means of getting others opinions, but also to possibly help others who might be suffering in silence with no one but themselves and the AP to turn to. So glad I could help :-)

[Vivir]

Rainbowsandkittens, I see myself in what you have written, too, and I greatly appreciate you sharing. In the beginning, I really had been selfish and thinking I could just borrow him for a while, like I wasn't conscious of what I was doing... it was when I noticed that I wanted much more that I started toward ending the affair.. how could I ask him to leave her.. that it came up at all was his doing. When he wouldn't agree to ending the affair, I became more and more angry that he seemed to be using me as a sexual release and then it turned out I was probably a substitute for her while she was pregnant/nursing..

 

I realize that I remain resilient in not contacting him when I think about how I have little support in my life but he supports her (which he should since he is her husband and all), but... I realize he should receive ALL of his sexual anything from the person he supports. He doesn't deserve mine. And I was totally out of bounds.

 

This has been one of those things where you know but you don't really *know with an understanding* until you get burned... I have learned some very painful lessons and I am still learning. I realize I have to be diligent in my choices and make conscious decisions regarding my life.