Thoughts of the OW: The Ugly Truth - Part 2

[Vivir]

*This is a Part 2*

 

Again, statements in parentheses were written after the original journal entry.

 

The Ugly Truth

 

It seems as if I am catering to all of his sexual needs, but he is not catering to most of mine. He seems to want to, but oral is off the table – or I have to jump through a hoop to get it (I’ve never gotten it). While he does things I like sexually, he seems unconcerned with whether or not I achieve orgasm.

 

I am enabling him to cheat on his wife. No matter how terrible she is (or is not, since he would’ve left her if she was that damned bad – let’s keep it real), she does not deserve to be cheated on… and even if she did “deserve” it… I mean, really?... He should leave or try to work it out. (These are my opinions for a so-called problem that existed before I came into the picture. It is not my responsibility to solve other people’s problems.) Since he has not left, his actions have told me his decision.

 

I have decided that since I want more than I wanted in the beginning,and he cannot give these things to me without destroying his life, I should extricate myself from the situation.

 

I realize that, in the beginning, I was extremely attracted to him (I still am) – I wanted to know him. I didn’t necessarily want to bed him, even though that happened quickly. I was vulnerable following the fallout in my own sham of a relationship. This is an excuse for bad behavior. He showed me the attention and affection I craved, and it helped that I was fascinated by him.

When I realized he was married and that probably meant that this woman, whoever she is, gets to wake up next to him every morning and have his undivided attention, I became insanely jealous of her. I had never been so jealous of married people ever in my life, until I met him. Now I am overly aware of people wearing rings and coupled up. It makes me crazy. This is subsiding now, if only a bit. I still feel overly self-conscious about my lack of companionship, feeling that I am just not worthy of "real" love.

 

He got angry and “punished” me. I get angry or sad all of the time, but he is never punished. Interestingly enough, any time he has become angry with me – really angry (which is hardly ever, because, let’s face it, a spat with me is inconsequential) – it is because I have been sad or upset about this situation we are in. He tells me he already knows (code for he doesn’t need me to keep telling him).

 

Stress relief ends when I think of why he has to leave me.

 

I feel broken when he leaves my place; I feel like he literally has been torn from me. I told him that this is my true punishment. It feels like punishment.

 

I know that I want more – a more fulfilling relationship that is not only about sex (he gets upset when I say we are only about sex).

 

I have purchased gifts for him, but he could not tell me “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Valentine’s Day”. My birthday is coming up. It is on a Sunday – this is usually a day on which we do not communicate. I am tired of being a secret and hiding in the shadows like a fraud. I think it would hurt me very badly if he didn’t see me on my birthday. But I am objective and I realize he has obligations… now that his children are living with him, I cannot expect to see him that much at all. In fact, the time I see him is severely diminished as compared to the beginning. I am taking away his sleep time when he comes over before work.

 

(He didn't talk to me on the day, two days prior nor two days following my birthday, while I celebrated his in my own little way)

 

He claims that when we began having sex that he and his wife had not had sex in two months; however, after we had been having sex for several months, he admitted that their sex life had resumed. So, I essentially helped their marriage (like the wh*re-in-waiting, handmaiden-like wh*re to the more senior lady in his life)!

 

I was led to believe that he was seeking a divorce, but he has admitted that he cannot leave right now… he said, “It’s cheaper to keep her.” (Turns out she was about halfway through her pregnancy when he said this.) Ultimately, that means I will forever be a sidepiece, a mistress, although he doesn’t like when I say it. He says, “We don’t know what will happen in the future.” [some people wait for things to happen… and that has been me. Afraid of making moves for fear of the unknown. I am tired, though, and have decided to take a more active approach to making things happen in my life.] Apparently, a lot of people having affairs say that to offer hope to their affair partners. I know it as a sign of future faking, although I hate to identify him with that (Why?? He has had no f*cking problem stringing me along while he has his cake and eats it too).

 

My self-esteem has taken a serious hit, because this affair is outside the sphere of what I claim are my values. It is so painful when he rushes out of here to go home. I actually dream about what he and his wife are doing when he is not with me. I have also dreamed, numerous times, that my sins can be seen through the veil, and, as a result, women whisper nasty things to me because they automatically know I have been a mistress. It has kept me up when I should be asleep.

 

I destroyed the peace of mind I had hard-gained after the last pseudo-relationship debacle, and now I find myself again in a place of sadness and frustrating loneliness.

 

I keep going back and forth with him (which is a frustrating thing for both of us) because I know what we’re doing is not right but I don’t want to lose the little that I have (this is utter selfishness. He allows it, I think, because he is obsessed with the oral that I give him). When I wake up at 5 am and feel a strong desire to have sex, I imagine that he has the opportunity to do just that – with her. And he does do it, right? What, really, is stopping him? (waits for answer)…exactly.

 

Because only one or two of my closest friends are aware of this affair, I suffer in silence. Overall, I am the one picking up the pieces when I feel that I am falling apart. He listens to me tell him all of my feelings, but really, there is little he can do to help me. His presence is a constant reminder of my failings and I feel shame. I feel that he owes his allegiance to the woman he promised himself to. And I owe my allegiance to myself.

 

--So. I originally wrote this during the 8th month and added to it over time. The affair ended during the 13th month (August 31). So far, I have allowed him to contact me once via phone to say his piece. He claims he is getting a divorce. He doesn't understand why we can't be friends right now, since we had agreed to maintain a friendship if the affair were to end. He doesn't know that I know about the baby and other information he kept from me in spite of me asking him about it directly. At the end of the conversation, I maintained that the entire thing has been very painful for me and I need time to sort through my thoughts and feelings. I also maintained that if I had been a true friend to him, I never would've crossed the boundary in the first place or stopped being selfish and ended it sooner. I suppose it took that proverbial punch to the face to make me feel too sick to continue. His real life became very real to me. finally. I told him I was doing what was right for all parties at this point. Then, I initiated full-on No Contact. I am feeling a little better today, but expect these feelings to wax and wane as time progresses until -hopefully one day - I become indifferent.

 

I appreciate your reading this and any thoughts you all might have to share.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

*This is a Part 2*

 

Again, statements in parentheses were written after the original journal entry.

 

The Ugly Truth

 

And I owe my allegiance to myself.

 

--

 

BRILLIANT STATEMENT!!!! Hang in there. It will get easier.

[Adoraxx]

He got angry and “punished” me. I get angry or sad all of the time, but he is never punished. Interestingly enough, any time he has become angry with me – really angry (which is hardly ever, because, let’s face it, a spat with me is inconsequential) – it is because I have been sad or upset about this situation we are in. He tells me he already knows (code for he doesn’t need me to keep telling him).

 

Stress relief ends when I think of why he has to leave me.

 

I feel broken when he leaves my place; I feel like he literally has been torn from me. I told him that this is my true punishment. It feels like punishment.

 

I know that I want more – a more fulfilling relationship that is not only about sex (he gets upset when I say we are only about sex).

 

Great post(s), Vivir!!! I recognize a lot of my own journey in what you wrote. For example the part that I highlighted above... He was always so angry with me and I got punished all the time. He did all that to keep me under his control and to make me stop having expectations, even the most basic ones like RESPECT. I never punished him..

 

And about feeling broken when he left... I felt that way all the time too. Every time he left my place, it was like he took my heart with him and on his way out he made sure to stomp on it.

 

I'm really glad to hear that you're out of the A and thanks for writing your amazing posts!!

 

xx

Adoraxx

[Toodaloo]

Sounds to me as though you are ready to end it and start putting yourself back together again...

 

Good luck.

[Vivir]

HadMeOverABarrel, Adoraxx, and Toodaloo - I appreciate you all reading and responding to my post Thank you!

 

Adoraxx, although it really sucks to have put ourselves into such a mess, I really appreciate you sharing your experience with me. I have felt so utterly alone in my journey toward healing from this affair. I had no idea that others experienced similar things. It has helped me to read this forum. Thank you again.

 

HadMeOverABarrel, I have been taking this owing allegiance to myself thing VERY seriously lately. I have found that it helps to regard myself in third person. I got this idea from articles that suggest dating oneself or writing letters to our younger selves. I realize that I have had a long, mature relationship with myself, and I need to treat ME as if I am the (significant) other party in a REAL relationship. So, when I go to work and work my butt off, I am doing it for my SO (which is me). When it is time to pay bills and budget money, plan vacations, I am asking my SO how we should get this done... I am planning dates and writing love letters to my SO ... and asking for forgiveness for putting us in this terrible business of having had an affair... It makes me think long and hard about how much to share with another party outside myself and what impact it will have on my emotional and physical well-being. I am just getting started, but I am excited about what's going to happen next - more excited than I have ever been about being with myself and attempting to raise my self-esteem.

 

In case you're wondering, this weekend I am planning to attend a prayer breakfast at my aunt's church (reconnecting with people who actually do love and miss me), an annual tour at a famous cemetery for Halloween (getting out of the house to enjoy my city and myself/meet new people), and a movie (Jack Reacher).

[buglet78]

I could relate all too well to feeling broken. I felt broken when my xMM kept checking the time, I felt broken when he said he had to get going, and I felt broken watching him walk out my door.