KaliHoku77 Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 I've been perusing these boards for about a year now, and I've finally decided that I need some help. Here's a little (well, it's a lot really...) background: I met this fantastic guy and we hit it off. It was instant chemistry *and* we had (have?) a great friendship. We have so many things in common so we are able to have great conversations and also share enjoyment in many of the same activities. I'm 27 and he's 31. We have both been in relationships in the past where we were each hurt badly (but, who hasn't been, huh?) his ended in a broken engagement. From the start of the relationship he was open about how he felt in terms of commitment (terrified). Because of this, I never put any pressure on him but it was basically understood that we weren't seeing other people. I just felt this peace in our relationship. It was so easy, there was no drama. For the first time, I thought, "ohmygosh! I've found him. THis is the One." So, we dated and things were good. Then, there was a serious incident within his family and rather than pushing me away, he wanted me there for support. It was the first real test of our relationship because up until then things were great, but everything around us was great too. As I looked at this man going through this awful time it struck me how much it hurt me that he was hurting and I realized that I was in love with him. I feel like this situation changed us and began to define us as a couple rather than just people who're dating. His family even incorporated me into their very personal situation. We began to see each other every day, he would leave me to sleep at his home and his parents' home while he went to work. There were all these indications that things had indeed changed. About a week later, he left for a week long trip with friends that they'd planned months before we met. I saw him the day he returned, and everything was OK between us. He mentioned to me that he was feeling a bit numb, like there were no real highs or lows in his life. Because of this, he decided to seek help for depression. One week after that, he was extremely distant. It took him longer (days vs. hours) to return my phone calls, and when we did finally spend time together he was no longer affectionate. I realized something was up, but chalked it up to his depression. Then, one week after that he called me, and when I didn't answer, he left a voicemail apologizing for having been so distant lately he then said something along the lines of, "and I've been thinking that we need to slow the relationship down..." When we finally spoke he said things like, "I know it's cliche, but it's not you it's me." and "I just feel like something is missing." I decided (unhapily) that the best course of action was no contact. ABout two months later, I called him and we hung out. Right away it was comfortable. We spent the evening with some of his friends, and it felt like we'd never been apart. He kept telling me how much he missed me, and how great I looked. Later that night, we slept together. He was incredibly affectionate afterward, held me the whole night, woke up to give me a kiss on the forehead, etc. I felt like it was all a great sign. The next day he left for a trip so we were out of contact for about a week. When we finally talked he basically said that "yes, you're great, and I feel great with you, but I still feel like something's missing. I probably shouldn't have slept with you. I don't want to hurt you..." blah blah blah. I ended up sending him an email putting it all out there. Telling him that it made no sense, that there was obviously chemistry, that we're great together, that I understand his fears, that I have no intention of giving the ring back (which was what happened 3-4 years ago), etc. He responded and said that he agreed with everything that I said, and that looking back he felt like things were amazing but, "That said, I still felt like something was missing." After his email, I left things for another month and then emailed him a link to an article I thought he'd be interested in reading. He responded and said that it was so weird that I'd just emailed him 'cause he'd sat down at his computer to email me. He called me a couple of days later and we chatted for an hour.. mainly just catching up small talk stuff. It wasn't awkward, but it was like two people who hadn't talked in a long time.... I left it for a week and then called him last night. We ended up hanging out, and once again it was like no time had passed at all. It was never awkward, we had a great time, etc. We talked the whole night. Currently, he lives about an hour away but will be moving much closer in about two months. He took me to see his new home, and clocked the mileage from my place to his. He talked about stuff we'd do when he lived closer. He ended up spending the night at my place, and once again, we slept together. Both times that it's happened since we've broken up, I tell myself I'm not going to do it. I even wear ugly panties (a la bridget jones)! When he left this morning I felt awful. I have so many emotions running through my head. I love him, and I want to be with him. I feel like the stuff he's saying (something's missing) doesn't make any sense. It's been a long time since I've "clicked" like this with anyone. Things are really easy between us, and i love that. I don't know if this is what he's talking about when he says something's missing. He's right in that I don't have that infatuated feeling like you get when you're a freshman and you see the senior star of the football team walk by even though he doesn't know you're alive. I feel like we have something incredibly meaningful, and that we absolutely could have a very happy life together. I'm having a really hard time letting this go because I truly believe he is a wonderful man, and to be honest, I don't want to let him go. So, if you've made it this far, does that mean you have some great advice? I want a 2nd chance. I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. How do I do this? Thanks for reading! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 I feel like the stuff he's saying (something's missing) doesn't make any sense. That's because you can't see the relationship through the same eyes that he does. Just because you see it as perfect, doesn't mean that he does. This 'great connection' you see - through his eyes might just be 'fun, easy, no pressure, accessible sex with someone he likes but not enough to make a commitment out of it'. If you want to see the direction this is taking, stop the sex and intimate affection ENTIRELY. Don't let him reap all the benefits of a relationship without actually having one with you. If he tries to come on to you, or the talk gets 'affectionate' change the subject, or physically remove yourself from the situation. If he insists, let him know that you do not want to have sex/romance/intimate affection unless you are in a committed relationship. You will be standing up for what you want and I'm curious to see how he deals with that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author KaliHoku77 Posted July 7, 2005 Author Share Posted July 7, 2005 Originally posted by LucreziaBorgia If you want to see the direction this is taking, stop the sex and intimate affection ENTIRELY. Don't let him reap all the benefits of a relationship without actually having one with you. If he tries to come on to you, or the talk gets 'affectionate' change the subject, or physically remove yourself from the situation. If he insists, let him know that you do not want to have sex/romance/intimate affection unless you are in a committed relationship. You will be standing up for what you want and I'm curious to see how he deals with that. Thanks for the reply. I know it's true. I can't stop beating myself up over the fact that we slept together. Both times I've gone to see him I've promised myself that I wouldn't do it. It's so hard though. But, in the end, I end up feeling terrible because I let him cross a line that I didn't want him to cross. I know to him it must be unattractive, too. Ugh! So now, I'm sitting here thinking, "I want another chance so that I can show myself I can be strong and not give in to something I know is only going to make me happy for 20 minutes. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted July 8, 2005 Share Posted July 8, 2005 I would agree with the idea of not sleeping with him. It sounds like you do have a fairly promising base here, maybe he just needs to realise what he is missing? If he can still go to bed with you without any of the hassles of commitment, then you're not going to get anywhere. So I'd suggest pulling away much more, if he gets in touch just be polite but don't meet up, drop hints you are moving on with your life, and if he talks more seriously then just say you think you deserve better than this, so if he can't give it you are going to call it quits and eventually look elsewhere. Sometimes guys just need a bit of space to assess whether this woman really is the one, especially if they're a bit worried about commitment. IMO he's just a bit unsure, and you have a good chance of getting back. But you have to pull away and give him his space for this to have a decent chance of happening. However, you should prepare yourself for the possibility that he's concluded it's just not going to work. Be prepared for both possibilities, cross your fingers, and good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author KaliHoku77 Posted July 8, 2005 Author Share Posted July 8, 2005 Originally posted by mental_traveller Be prepared for both possibilities, cross your fingers, and good luck! Thanks, mental_traveller! I figure I'll give it a week or two and see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
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