Tell his wife?

[Nichole77]

Is it ever a good idea to tell the wife? I know he hasn't told her the truth just said "we kissed ". He hurt me and lied so much. We had an affair for 8 months. He told me he was "separated" and I believed him! Now I'm upset. I'm sure the answer is no but I'd like to hear your responses and if any one ever told the wife?

[l8estnews]

You'll receive many different answers from everyone, but I would say yes. She might not believe you since she might just brush you off as a bitter OW, but at least you did your part.

 

Now, care to share the whole story?

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Is it ever a good idea to tell the wife? I know he hasn't told her the truth just said "we kissed ". He hurt me and lied so much. We had an affair for 8 months. He told me he was "separated" and I believed him! Now I'm upset. I'm sure the answer is no but I'd like to hear your responses and if any one ever told the wife?

I vote no because I think it would blow up in your face much more than anything positive you might gain. Stay strong, and focus on you and your healing!!!

[Nichole77]

You'll receive many different answers from everyone, but I would say yes. She might not believe you since she might just brush you off as a bitter OW, but at least you did your part.

 

Now, care to share the whole story?

 

We work together. Started off as friends. He confided in me that his marriage wasn't good etc and I started counseling him etc. well shortly after that it proceeded into a physical affair. This last summer he was kicked out of the house a few weekends. And each time he would say it's over and that he wanted to be with me. He told me I'm the love of his life. He never loved anyone like me. Bla bla bla.. but everytime he was gone for a few days she would cry and he'd go crawling back. He always said it's hard. It's the kids. He was always "confused" his latest line was "let me clear my head and get my **** together so I can leave and be good for you" I believed him!! Anyway his wife came to my work last week stormed in and asked to speak to me. She kept on asking if I slept with her husband etc. I stayed calm and said why don't we all talk, but she didn't want to. She kicked him out that night and ok and behold he came to the house saying he was done even if I wouldn't have him. So he promised me the world and we spent the night together. Guess what? Next morning he went back. Told me at work on Monday that it was over and said that he told her we just kissed and had some fun flirting. I'm pissed. I don't even want him anymore, (I don't think anyway) but he's lying to her .. I'm almost ready to tell her. Now he's doing major damage control. He was so scared when he told me we were done.

[Arieswoman]

I was a BS and yes, I would have liked the OW or in fact anyone to tell me.

 

I was "gaslighted" for 7 months and that was almost worse than his affair. When DD came it was a relief in a way because I knew that I wasn't going crazy and everything fell into place.

 

I just wish I known a bit sooner .....

[Nichole77]

I was a BS and yes, I would have liked the OW or in fact anyone to tell me.

 

I was "gaslighted" for 7 months and that was almost worse than his affair. When DD came it was a relief in a way because I knew that I wasn't going crazy and everything fell into place.

 

I just wish I known a bit sooner .....

 

And are you still with him? He says if I ever told her she would tell our. BoSS and get us fired. I don't think she would or could have that much power.

[Nichole77]

I was a BS and yes, I would have liked the OW or in fact anyone to tell me.

 

I was "gaslighted" for 7 months and that was almost worse than his affair. When DD came it was a relief in a way because I knew that I wasn't going crazy and everything fell into place.

 

I just wish I known a bit sooner .....

 

Was he saying everything you wanted to hear during that time? Did you believe him? I'm thinking this is what he is doing.

[Poppy47]

I was in an A for 8 years. When it ended I considered telling his wife.

 

Then I reconsidered. She is now 71 and married to him for 52 years.

It wasn't in my heart to make the last however many years of her life miserable.

 

Or to blow up xMM's world either. What would it achieve at this late stage of our lives?

 

Perhaps it depends on the individual situation.

 

If she had been a young woman with a long life ahead and no children, then I would not have hestitated.

 

Poppy.

[imperfectangel]

I know people that got suspended from work due to a affair, it can happen.

 

If you reveal you have to be prepared for the fall out.

 

Did you carry on seeing him after you found out he was married?

[l8estnews]

I was in an A for 8 years. When it ended I considered telling his wife.

 

Then I reconsidered. She is now 71 and married to him for 52 years.

It wasn't in my heart to make the last however many years of her life miserable.

 

Or to blow up xMM's world either. What would it achieve at this late stage of our lives?

 

Perhaps it depends on the individual situation.

 

If she had been a young woman with a long life ahead and no children, then I would not have hestitated.

 

Poppy.

 

That was sad. 52 years with lies and deceits. For years.

 

Good move.

[Forever broken]

Personally, I will leave it alone and move on. My friends were upset because I never told the betrayed wife of my XMM the truth and all the lies he told me. Why will I hurt the poor woman even more?

[imperfectangel]

Personally, I will leave it alone and move on. My friends were upset because I never told the betrayed wife of my XMM the truth and all the lies he told me. Why will I hurt the poor woman even more?

 

Because it can hurt them more spending years in a fake marriage?

[basil67]

If you do tell, just be prepared for the fallout: His wife being furious with you, him being furious with you and as a result, having you lose your job.

[Arieswoman]

Nichole777 post #6

 

And are you still with him? He says if I ever told her she would tell our. BoSS and get us fired. I don't think she would or could have that much power.

 

No. I dumped his sorry @$$ the minute DD came.

 

I could have told the personnel dept at his work but I didn't. The rest revenge I got was letting the silly girl have him

 

Was he saying everything you wanted to hear during that time? Did you believe him? I'm thinking this is what he is doing.

 

No, he was acting like a total; $h!£ and telling me I was imagining it !

[aileD]

What's your motivation?

 

Is it selfish? To get back at him for hurting you? Will it make you feel better?

 

You catered to your selfish needs when you allowed yourself to have an affair with this man and now he's dumped you and you want to continue to be selfish and hurt him by hurting his wife and family when you're out of it now?

 

I don't hear remorse in your voice. I don't hear that you want to tell the wife you're sorry for your part in betraying her marriage. I only hear that you want to hurt him because he hurt you.

 

Would you want to tell her if he was still ****ing you and telling you what you wanted to hear?

 

So...what's your motivation for it and what type of person does that make you?

 

What type of person do you want to be?

 

IMO- he dumped you, let him deal with his marriage and wife, it's not rally any of your business

[MidnightBlue1980]

Is it ever a good idea to tell the wife? I know he hasn't told her the truth just said "we kissed ". He hurt me and lied so much. We had an affair for 8 months. He told me he was "separated" and I believed him! Now I'm upset. I'm sure the answer is no but I'd like to hear your responses and if any one ever told the wife?

 

I'm not a fan of telling her yourself - are you married? My H forced xMM to tell his wife and H spoke to her right after she found out, to make sure she knew the truth and did not believe mm's twisted version.

 

I certainly got no satisfaction out of it - and neither did my H. His wife kissed his butt to save the marriage and he's happier today because of it. It all worked out for him. His wife did not believe my H (that it was mutual), she believes mm's tale of being a victim by my attention (that I was a crazy stalker) and him falling for it because of her failing as a wife.

 

So if you are looking to hurt him by telling her, it won't happen. You will only end up looking bitter and crazy and helping them fix their marriage. Better to leave him in whatever mess of a marriage he is in and his own guilt.

[Toodaloo]

The wife already knows.

 

Personally I think that she would appreciate your honesty and also your back up.

 

At the moment she probably thinks that you "stole" her husband. She has no idea that you thought he was single nor that you intend to stay away now that you know he is likely to stretch the truth.

 

I think that while you will never be her friend and she will probably hate you, you need to explain to her that you are no threat to her or her marriage. I think she would appreciate knowing that you understand how hurt she must be and that you had no intention of hurting her and had you known he was not separated but just having problems then you would not have started dating him. You need to be calm, remorseful and understanding.

 

If she screams and shouts let her. She deserves that. Her marriage is a mess, the last thing she needs is knowing you were shagging her husband and knowing he is going to be seeing you at work and all the crazy that goes with that.

 

For your own sanity and financial security I also think you need to start looking for another job.

[Midwestmissy]

I'm a bs - I would have loved to have been told, by anyone. I have since sent anonymous letters with factual proof to betrayed spouses. It's hard to argue with facts. Those letters have ended those affairs. The only reason I knew about them was in every case, the ow was indiscreet and blabbing to people about her mm. These are 50 yr old women, not teenagers.

 

Nothing I could have done would have kept wh from cheating. However, his being exposed would have been the humiliation he needed. He was embarrassed - by her, by cheating, by his insecurities, by his lying - that if he thought others knew it would have stopped him. It was a strange combination of his need to perceived well by others and his need to hear flattery from someone he didn't respect (he didn't respect himself either) and that he considered a huge step down - she was the same lame low hanging fruit that he was, but again, his ego, and the biggest lies he told were to himself. He thought as long as no one finds out, no one is getting hurt. Classic effed up logic - he was actively doing damage every day.

 

She needs to know what she's married to and she needs to advocate for herself instead of putting her well being in the hands of a man who isn't even considering her. I will always expose.

[notmyselfnow]

You want to tell his wife to hurt him. That's really the wrong reason to do so. And, it's not going to get him to come back to you, although I think that's what you actually want.

 

But that doesn't matter. She DESERVES to know, whoever tells her. He is likely not just sleeping with you. She is at physical risk, she is living a lie, and he's clearly gaslighting her. The poor woman is probably going nuts.

 

Yeah, it's going to hurt her terribly, and yeah, she's probably going to lash out at you, but she still deserves to know.

[Midwestmissy]

I agree that the motives are irrelevant - if an ow thinks the reveal will drive the mm into leaving the bs, revenge, jealousy, wanting to hurt the bs - who cares.

 

I've said to my wh - after your world blows up, feelings are hurt, the only thing left standing in the room is the truth. So you may as well have started there to begin with.

[stillafool]

 

We work together. Started off as friends. He confided in me that his marriage wasn't good etc and I started counseling him etc. well shortly after that it proceeded into a physical affair.

 

So you did know he was a married man.

 

This last summer he was kicked out of the house a few weekends. And each time he would say it's over and that he wanted to be with me. He told me I'm the love of his life. He never loved anyone like me. Bla bla bla.. but everytime he was gone for a few days she would cry and he'd go crawling back. He always said it's hard. It's the kids. He was always "confused" his latest line was "let me clear my head and get my **** together so I can leave and be good for you" I believed him!!

 

It was probably more that he was begging her to come back. It's not just the kids he wants but her. He just wanted some fun on the side.

 

Anyway his wife came to my work last week stormed in and asked to speak to me. She kept on asking if I slept with her husband etc. I stayed calm and said why don't we all talk, but she didn't want to. She kicked him out that night

 

Now, if this woman is bold enough to come to your job and confront you I can only imagine what her action will be when you tell her you in fact have been having an affair with her husband. She still deserves to know but; good luck with this one.

 

and ok and behold he came to the house saying he was done even if I wouldn't have him. So he promised me the world and we spent the night together. Guess what? Next morning he went back. Told me at work on Monday that it was over and said that he told her we just kissed and had some fun flirting. I'm pissed. I don't even want him anymore, (I don't think anyway) but he's lying to her .. I'm almost ready to tell her. Now he's doing major damage control. He was so scared when he told me we were done.

 

So you are a bit on the fence as to whether you want to be with him again but you want to tell his wife about the affair? Even after he's thrown you under the bus. If you are planning to tell her just to hurt him, she kick him out and you two eventually end up together; forget it. Your telling will probably make them gang up on you - making them closer; or worse, with her temper she will probably tell your boss. However, she still deserves to know.

[Nichole77]

I know my motives are wrong, because I feel I want to get back at him for hurting me and making me look like a fool. I HATE being lied to. I probably won't tell her because deep down I know it isn't right and I'm not a vengeful person. I do try and put myself in her shoes and feel sorry that she won't know but I guess it's his deal to tell her even though he wont.

 

I ran into him at work yesterday after 2 weeks NC. So i asked a few "closure" questions. He stated that he will probably regret his decision a few months down the road because he wanted a life with me. I asked do you even hurt? and he's like, "you don't even know my pain, but I guess I have to do this for my kids." He said it's day to day and that he didn't know how it will end up. I ended the convo. by saying maybe she needs to know everything so you can work on a truthful marriage. He got very scared and said don't say anything please. I left the conversation very vague just to make him feela bit worried. Anyway....6 hours later I check instagram and she posts a snap shot of a text he sent her that day saying how he is the luckiest man alive to be with her etc. She was so happy stating how much she loved those texts. I don't know when he sent it but I believe it's damage control. They go to extremes when they think they are going to be found out.

[grassisorisntgreener]

She knows something happened if she confronted you about it. He showed his true colors by showing up when she kicked him out, and then leaving again.

 

He is a giant coward and you deserve better.

 

If she approaches you again, tell her the truth. In the meantime DO NOT ANSWER HIS CALLS AND DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM!! He doesn't deserve you!

[Nichole77]

She knows something happened if she confronted you about it. He showed his true colors by showing up when she kicked him out, and then leaving again.

 

He is a giant coward and you deserve better.

 

If she approaches you again, tell her the truth. In the meantime DO NOT ANSWER HIS CALLS AND DO NOT SPEAK TO HIM!! He doesn't deserve you!

 

Thank you for saying that. I needed to hear that today! Some days I'm so strong and others (like this morning) I'm feeling so sad. I'm glad I can vent here.

[Nichole77]

I'm not a fan of telling her yourself - are you married? My H forced xMM to tell his wife and H spoke to her right after she found out, to make sure she knew the truth and did not believe mm's twisted version.

 

I certainly got no satisfaction out of it - and neither did my H. His wife kissed his butt to save the marriage and he's happier today because of it. It all worked out for him. His wife did not believe my H (that it was mutual), she believes mm's tale of being a victim by my attention (that I was a crazy stalker) and him falling for it because of her failing as a wife.

 

So if you are looking to hurt him by telling her, it won't happen. You will only end up looking bitter and crazy and helping them fix their marriage. Better to leave him in whatever mess of a marriage he is in and his own guilt.

 

No I am not married. I realize it will only make me look bad if I tell her. I really am a smart person and usually do the right thing but yesterday I was seething mad and thought telling her would make me happy. In the end...it wont.

I'm mad at myself for believing his lies.