grassisorisntgreener Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 Thank you for saying that. I needed to hear that today! Some days I'm so strong and others (like this morning) I'm feeling so sad. I'm glad I can vent here. I flip flop with my strength too. But now I just constantly remind myself that it's okay to be sad, but it's not okay to be hidden or someones second choice. Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 I know my motives are wrong, because I feel I want to get back at him for hurting me and making me look like a fool. I HATE being lied to. I probably won't tell her because deep down I know it isn't right and I'm not a vengeful person. I do try and put myself in her shoes and feel sorry that she won't know but I guess it's his deal to tell her even though he wont. I ran into him at work yesterday after 2 weeks NC. So i asked a few "closure" questions. He stated that he will probably regret his decision a few months down the road because he wanted a life with me. I asked do you even hurt? and he's like, "you don't even know my pain, but I guess I have to do this for my kids." He said it's day to day and that he didn't know how it will end up. I ended the convo. by saying maybe she needs to know everything so you can work on a truthful marriage. He got very scared and said don't say anything please. I left the conversation very vague just to make him feela bit worried. Anyway....6 hours later I check instagram and she posts a snap shot of a text he sent her that day saying how he is the luckiest man alive to be with her etc. She was so happy stating how much she loved those texts. I don't know when he sent it but I believe it's damage control. They go to extremes when they think they are going to be found out. Dear God this man is not even capable of thinking of anyone other than himself is he... Get yourself a new job. Get away from him. He is slime. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 I know my motives are wrong, because I feel I want to get back at him for hurting me and making me look like a fool. I HATE being lied to. I probably won't tell her because deep down I know it isn't right and I'm not a vengeful person. I do try and put myself in her shoes and feel sorry that she won't know but I guess it's his deal to tell her even though he wont. I ran into him at work yesterday after 2 weeks NC. So i asked a few "closure" questions. He stated that he will probably regret his decision a few months down the road because he wanted a life with me. I asked do you even hurt? and he's like, "you don't even know my pain, but I guess I have to do this for my kids." He said it's day to day and that he didn't know how it will end up. I ended the convo. by saying maybe she needs to know everything so you can work on a truthful marriage. He got very scared and said don't say anything please. I left the conversation very vague just to make him feela bit worried. Anyway....6 hours later I check instagram and she posts a snap shot of a text he sent her that day saying how he is the luckiest man alive to be with her etc. She was so happy stating how much she loved those texts. I don't know when he sent it but I believe it's damage control. They go to extremes when they think they are going to be found out. See, you are totally standing by while he lies to her and totally uses her. She deserves to know that NOT ONLY is he screwing around on her, but that his attitude is that he has to "tough it out for the kids." I mean really, this guy is a total user. Was he cheating for the kids too? Gather your proof and tell her the truth. Who cares if he gets hurt. He's using and hurting others recklessly. Including his kids. His kids deserve stability. Not to be stuck with a user Dad. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 Dear God this man is not even capable of thinking of anyone other than himself is he... Get yourself a new job. Get away from him. He is slime. Yeah its really "all about him" typical MM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 Yeah its really "all about him" typical MM. His wife isn't hurting, his mistress isn't hurting oh its just so bad for him... Oh woe is me and now I will use my children as pawns and say its all because of them and try to get you to pity f**k me and continue the affair... Urgh. Men like this should have their testicles removed... 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nichole77 Posted September 29, 2016 Author Share Posted September 29, 2016 And I guess this is dumb for me to ask, but why is she so quick to believe him? Posting that text and all? I KNOW if it were me I would have been asking a million questions and I would KNOW that my husband didn't "just kiss' someone..that's the biggest red flag there is! You are all right that he is a coward...he's been one f'ing coward from day one. A hot coward...but still a coward!! Link to post Share on other sites
Toodaloo Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 And I guess this is dumb for me to ask, but why is she so quick to believe him? Posting that text and all? I KNOW if it were me I would have been asking a million questions and I would KNOW that my husband didn't "just kiss' someone..that's the biggest red flag there is! You are all right that he is a coward...he's been one f'ing coward from day one. A hot coward...but still a coward!! Because she WANTS to believe him... She wants her marriage to work and she probably does love him despite all of this... Think about it - you believed his bull about being separated when he wasn't... Its called ignoring the truth because you want to believe what they say is true... All classic with affairs on all sides. 10 Link to post Share on other sites
l8estnews Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 And I guess this is dumb for me to ask, but why is she so quick to believe him? Posting that text and all? Girl, that's not your problem anymore. So there's that. But the good thing that you can learn from here is 1. How bad affairs can be. The bliss at the start is so NOT worth the pain and the drama afterwards. 2. You definitely know firsthand how cheaters operate. This knowledge will help you if your future husband ever cheats (Hopefully not) 3. Don't be like the wife who can be easily swayed with words (or texts) and stuff. These days, being a loving, pliant homemaker is no longer enough. You should also be a smart and emotionally-empowered wife, too. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 His wife isn't hurting, his mistress isn't hurting oh its just so bad for him... Oh woe is me and now I will use my children as pawns and say its all because of them and try to get you to pity f**k me and continue the affair... Urgh. Men like this should have their testicles removed... I agree. I just wish they would use another excuse than "I have to stay for the kids". Damn near all of them use the kids as their excuse. How convenient for them. What's worse are the ones who don't have kids who say they can't leave because she wouldn't have a clue how to take care of herself or she's too ill. Then you find out she makes more money than him and is the picture of health. Just plain liars. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nichole77 Posted September 29, 2016 Author Share Posted September 29, 2016 it's so empowering hearing all of your replies. I wish I had an actual person here (not counselor) to go out with and vent. I feel that friends can't totally understand it until they are in it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 And I guess this is dumb for me to ask, but why is she so quick to believe him? Posting that text and all? I KNOW if it were me I would have been asking a million questions and I would KNOW that my husband didn't "just kiss' someone..that's the biggest red flag there is! You are all right that he is a coward...he's been one f'ing coward from day one. A hot coward...but still a coward!! It kind of helps when the mistress bavks up everything he says. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nichole77 Posted September 29, 2016 Author Share Posted September 29, 2016 It kind of helps when the mistress bavks up everything he says. Explain further please. I don't know what you mean. Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 His wife knows he was having an affair with you. She knows how to reach you if she wants more information. Let them work out their mess. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 His wife knows he was having an affair with you. She knows how to reach you if she wants more information. Let them work out their mess. She did come down to the office and ask the OW. OW didn't give any details. Explain further please. I don't know what you mean. Unless I got that wrong, see above. She came to you for facts and you didn't tell her you were sleeping with him. At this point it is best to compile proof like all of you old text messages/emails, the dates you can remember him being at your place or at a hotel with him. Attach proof or at least give the name of it as well. MM LIE BIG TIME. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 Explain further please. I don't know what you mean. I think DOT means that most OW use the same cover story as MM so the BS will not find out the truth. Or you can call it what it is 'gaslighting.' 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 What's your motivation? Is it selfish? To get back at him for hurting you? Will it make you feel better? You catered to your selfish needs when you allowed yourself to have an affair with this man and now he's dumped you and you want to continue to be selfish and hurt him by hurting his wife and family when you're out of it now? I don't hear remorse in your voice. I don't hear that you want to tell the wife you're sorry for your part in betraying her marriage. I only hear that you want to hurt him because he hurt you. Would you want to tell her if he was still ****ing you and telling you what you wanted to hear? So...what's your motivation for it and what type of person does that make you? What type of person do you want to be? IMO- he dumped you, let him deal with his marriage and wife, it's not rally any of your business If you read he lied to her & told her he was separated...so how was she being selfish starting a relationship with him? I wouldn't tell but it's not right to call someone selfish that was lied to. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
malvern99 Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 And I guess this is dumb for me to ask, but why is she so quick to believe him? Posting that text and all? I KNOW if it were me I would have been asking a million questions and I would KNOW that my husband didn't "just kiss' someone..that's the biggest red flag there is! You are all right that he is a coward...he's been one f'ing coward from day one. A hot coward...but still a coward!! This idea of MM being cowards is a very strange one. I see it a lot on this board and I never quite understand it. Is a MM a coward just because he is not doing what his OW wants him to do? I don't think so. He is just looking out for his own best interests. There is nothing cowardly about that. If OW use the rationale that MM is a coward to make themselves feel better, then I think they aren't being honest with themselves. It stops them from seeing what is really going on and that makes healing that much harder. In your specific case OP, your MM was caught, and he made his choice. All that's left for you to decide is what you will do now. You can accept it, chalk it up as a lesson learned and move on, or you can keep yourself in denial and eventually fall back into the A. Believe none of what he says. Only believe what he does when everything is on the line. He was caught, and he went running back home because ultimately, that is where he wants to be. If he wanted to be with you, he would make it happen. As hard as it may be to accept, he is exactly where he wants to be. No more, no less. About telling the poor betrayed wife, I am conflicted. She deserves to know the truth, but hearing it from you may be the worst way to get that truth. You are likely not her favorite person in the world right now as I am sure you understand. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 If you read he lied to her & told her he was separated...so how was she being selfish starting a relationship with him? I wouldn't tell but it's not right to call someone selfish that was lied to. Started off as friends. He confided in me that his marriage wasn't good etc and I started counseling him etc. well shortly after that it proceeded into a physical affair. As you can see from the above it looks like the affair just started. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Whoknew30 Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 As you can see from the above it looks like the affair just started. He lied to her & it understandable her being upset...he used the "poor me" & took advantage of her. OP...it's up to you if you tell but remember...you don't know the wife. She could be crazy & blame you. Especially if he's a liar, he'll turn it around. If I were you, I'd cut my losses & move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980 Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 He lied to her & it understandable her being upset...he used the "poor me" & took advantage of her. OP...it's up to you if you tell but remember...you don't know the wife. She could be crazy & blame you. Especially if he's a liar, he'll turn it around. If I were you, I'd cut my losses & move on. I agree. Most turn it around. I would not seek out and tell the BS but if she contacted me (and we've met), I would tell her the truth. But she won't - my husband tried to tell her - some people would rather believe the lies than deal with the truth and it's not our place to force them into reality. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
awkward Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 And I guess this is dumb for me to ask, but why is she so quick to believe him? Posting that text and all? I KNOW if it were me I would have been asking a million questions and I would KNOW that my husband didn't "just kiss' someone..that's the biggest red flag there is! You are all right that he is a coward...he's been one f'ing coward from day one. A hot coward...but still a coward!! She came to your work and asked you if you were sleeping with her husband. You did not say yes. Now you are surprised that she believes her husband? He has already told her many things about you. My guess is that he told her you a crazy stalker and he has tried to make you go away. Even if you called her today and told her you slept with him, she wouldn't believe you. Gather your evidence and tell her. She asked you. Why weren't you truthful? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
BTDT2012 Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 She did come down to the office and ask the OW. OW didn't give any details. Unless I got that wrong, see above. She came to you for facts and you didn't tell her you were sleeping with him. Anyway his wife came to my work last week stormed in and asked to speak to me. She kept on asking if I slept with her husband etc. I stayed calm and said why don't we all talk, but she didn't want to. She kicked him out that night and ok and behold he came to the house saying he was done even if I wouldn't have him. The OP didn't deny sleeping sleeping with him. That was enough for his wife to know that she did sleep with him. That's why she kicked him out. To the OP, remove yourself from this equation. His wife will contact you if she wants more information. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted September 29, 2016 Share Posted September 29, 2016 He lied to her & it understandable her being upset...he used the "poor me" & took advantage of her. OP...it's up to you if you tell but remember...you don't know the wife. She could be crazy & blame you. Especially if he's a liar, he'll turn it around. If I were you, I'd cut my losses & move on. He lied to who? His wife? He didn't take advantage of OP, she wanted him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nichole77 Posted September 29, 2016 Author Share Posted September 29, 2016 She did come to my work upset and ready to talk. I walked outside with her and said calmly, " how about we go somewhere and talk all this out." I said why don't you call your husband and we can all talk and get everything cleared up. I was in fact going to tell her everything. . She refused to call him, stormed off to her car and said, I'm filing this weekend and you can have his sorry ass!" There was no way I was going to answer her questions at my work when she was clearly so upset, but I did tell her that I would tell her everything she wanted to know...she has not contacted me since. Link to post Share on other sites
oceansaway Posted September 30, 2016 Share Posted September 30, 2016 I understand you want to hurt him for hurting you. I wouldn't do it. Believe me you'll regret it. Just let karma take it's course. Take the high road and leave him forever. You'll be the stronger person in the end. Take care Link to post Share on other sites
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