Emotional affair, end of LTR

[Petering]

For some background: I have been in a long term relationship, a fairly stable one, for 5 years. My partner is a kind person, we met at work and I started dating him out of curiosity more than anything else.

We have had our fair share of difficulties, and I have felt for the longest time that it is my job to take care of him, not to be his lover. I have tried for a very very long time to make this work, but it just seems like we are on completely different planets and we stayed together because we are more like best friends.

In the past, he has had his share of inappropriate contact with other girls, but I worked through this with him and we moved on.

We rent a place together, but we are both fairly financially independent, so that part is not an issue.

 

Here's the clincher: I am the one having an emotional affair.

The affair is with, even worse, a friend of his. I denied my feelings for the longest time, but I have come to realise that I am very much in love with this friend (lets call him Fred.) So Fred and I have very recently admitted our feelings for each other, and examined the possibilities of our existing relationships. He is also in a LTR. We are both unhappy and have never particularly been in love with our partners, despite trying.

We are very much in love with each other and are willing to work through the hardest of times to make this work. We have decided to avoid physical infidelity, and wait until we are both single and free to do so without guilt.

 

TL;DR

 

Unhappy long term relationship, I have found myself in emotional affair with one of my partners friends. Navigating how I should go about ending my LTR without hurting my SO too much. He is a good person, maybe just not the right person for me.

 

Please, any advice would be wonderful. I have never been one interested in infidelity and this sudden explosion of feelings has been a shock to the system! I don't know what is the right thing to do.

[Lion Heart]

There's no way to avoid hurting your bf. Breaking up a 5y relationship will no doubt upset him to say the least.

 

When your bf REALIZES that HIS friend is the reason for your break up, it will add salt to the wound.

Depending upon the INVESTMENT your bf had in the R will equal his upset.

 

I hope you and your EA are prepared to be ousted by those circle of friends.

 

My advice?

Break up with BF.

 

Move out of the apartment you share immediately.

 

SEE IF YOUR EA does the same thing (quite often they don't!

So be prepared to lose BOTH OF THEM.

 

Good luck!

 

Lion Heart

[Petering]

I do realise there is no way to avoid hurting him. I know I need to break up with him too, I just thought I might look for advice before doing it in case I have missed something vital. Like I said, this is all new to me.

His friend is not really the reason for our break up - more of a catalyst.

If EA does not do the same thing, so be it. I just want to make sure that my current SO understands there is life outside of me...

A very confusing situation to say the least.

[Petering]

Thank you for your advice!

[elaine567]

I just want to make sure that my current SO understands there is life outside of me...

A very confusing situation to say the least.

Its not confusing at all, you tell your SO to his face, that it is over and that there is no going back, do not give out any false hope.

He will surely then totally understand that there is life outside of you...

You sort out the tenancy agreement and either you leave, he leaves or you both leave.

End of.

No confusion whatsoever.

 

Confusion will only exist if you choose to string him along for the next few months "I don't know what to do", "ILYBIANILWY,", "Maybe we should take a break I need some space... ", "I am gong home to Mom for a few days.... etc. etc. Stalling tactics designed not to hurt him maybe, but will merely twist the knife even further in.

[Friskyone4u]

Elaine told you what to do. That is the way to do it but get over this idea you can do this without hurting him.

 

This being his "friend", and I use that term loosely, is going to make it worse.

 

But I'd be careful to make sure that your new found love is not clouding how you really feel about your husband. Affair sex, no matter EA or PA, is always more exciting that good old boring life with spouse.

 

And both of you leaving your spouses is always a tricky proposition. Numerous times someone gets cold feet or goes back when the consequences hit. You are trying to do like synchronized swimming at the same time out of these relationships. Not easy without a monkey wrench getting thrown in, financial or emotional.

 

Whatever happens, if you are being truthful about no physical infidelity , then you are to be congratulated for your moral fabric and concern for your partner. He ain't going to feel that way about it, but you could have done worse.

[BuddyX]

Are you afraid of being alone?

[Satu]

If you leave, you're not doing anything wrong. People have the right to walk away from a relationship at any time.

 

Wrong would be staying where you are, and continuing the EA.

 

But regardless of the EA, this relationship isn't working for you, so leaving seems a good option.

 

 

Take care.

[DKT3]

Its not confusing at all, you tell your SO to his face, that it is over and that there is no going back, do not give out any false hope.

He will surely then totally understand that there is life outside of you...

You sort out the tenancy agreement and either you leave, he leaves or you both leave.

End of.

No confusion whatsoever.

 

Confusion will only exist if you choose to string him along for the next few months "I don't know what to do", "ILYBIANILWY,", "Maybe we should take a break I need some space... ", "I am gong home to Mom for a few days.... etc. etc. Stalling tactics designed not to hurt him maybe, but will merely twist the knife even further in.

 

This 100%

 

The only confusion is maybe you want to do it in a way that makes you seem like the good guy and not have him hate you. Well can't do it, he will be hurt, you will be the bad guy (admitted it or not you are leaving to be with another man) and you will definitely not be his favorite person for a long time if ever again.

[Try]

His friend is not really the reason for our break up - more of a catalyst.

Almost all people in emotional affairs (AE) say that their affair partner was not the cause of the break-up, but this is not true. The emotional energy that you gave to your affair partner came from the emotional energy that you should have been investing in your partner. Also, when you have the next partner already lined up, you lost all desire and motivation to work on improving your relationship with your current partner, thus your feelings for the current relationship was allowed to die.

 

You may not want to hear this, but you are using standard cheater's logic to rationalize why you betrayed the trust of your current partner. It is right out of the cheater's handbook as the regulars on this site have heard this all before many, many times. Your current partner trusted you with his friend and his friend with you, and the two of you went behind his back and betrayed him. Please do the right thing and tell him about your emotional affair when you tell him that you are breaking up with him. Do not betray him further by not telling him the full truth. He should not think that he is crazy for his suspicions. Be the best person that you can be in this bad situation, just because it is the right thing to do, and will make it much easier on him in the long run.

Edited September 29, 2016 by Try

[Petering]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm not afraid of hearing the truth, so I appreciate your truthful replies.

 

I am not afraid at all of being alone, and as I have mentioned already, I have really only just realised the truth of my EA and have chosen to go no further with it until I have sorted out my current relationship. I have no expectations of the man I have fallen for in the meantime and I am happy to live alone. Of course I don't want to be the "bad guy." But of course I have admitted my feelings for someone else, and I have to take the appropriate course of action without messing things up further.

I habe been struggling with my relationship longer than I would like to admit, but I would never think it would come to this. I nearly broke up with him a few months ago but decided to try with him - we spoke about this.

This new realisation that I have developed an EA must be the reason then.

Thank you for the eye opener - I will tell my SO the truth of the matter. He is a good person and he deserves the truth. I am not interested in stringing him along.

[Petering]

Since I posted this, "Fred" and I have both separated from our partners.

 

We made the decision to keep our contact minimal/non existent and make sure our separation from our partners was as fair and unbiased as possible, giving our previous partners the respect they deserved.

 

I maintain that in this situation, leaving the unhappy relationships was the best thing to do. Since leaving, I have realised many characteristics of my previous relationship was abusive - and I was looking for an "out." Meeting "Fred" was still a catalyst, I firmly believe to this day.

 

We are both having time and space away from each other to respect our ex partners and "find ourselves."

 

It is possible to fall in love with someone else when you are in a relationship and still do the right thing. We are human after all.

 

Thanks again everyone, I just wanted to give my 2c worth - it worked out for the best!

[road]

I am glad that you ended a bad relationship. Though you need to end the one with your AP as well. For when they cheat with you they wind up eventually cheating one you.

[goodyblue]

I am glad that you ended a bad relationship. Though you need to end the one with your AP as well. For when they cheat with you they wind up eventually cheating one you.

 

Oh. My. God. Stop.

[Friskyone4u]

I am glad that you ended a bad relationship. Though you need to end the one with your AP as well. For when they cheat with you they wind up eventually cheating one you.

 

You might want to do some research on how low the percentages are for relationships that begin with infidelity. The prognosis is not great.

 

Sounds like you took the high road. You are to be complimented for that.

[DKT3]

You might want to do some research on how low the percentages are for relationships that begin with infidelity. The prognosis is not great.

 

Sounds like you took the high road. You are to be complimented for that.

 

Time will tell, however, it's more likely that she simply wanted out because she saw a better toy. The problem with this approach is that you will never stop seeing better toys.

 

Also, I highly doubt her relationship was "abusive" I've found that this seems to be a major go to when she men "act out" in relationships.

 

It's all part of her justifying that fact that she cheated on her ex with his best friend. I'm not the bad one because he was abusive. Same song different user name.

[BTDT2012]

Since I posted this, "Fred" and I have both separated from our partners.

 

We made the decision to keep our contact minimal/non existent and make sure our separation from our partners was as fair and unbiased as possible, giving our previous partners the respect they deserved.

 

I maintain that in this situation, leaving the unhappy relationships was the best thing to do. Since leaving, I have realised many characteristics of my previous relationship was abusive - and I was looking for an "out." Meeting "Fred" was still a catalyst, I firmly believe to this day.

 

We are both having time and space away from each other to respect our ex partners and "find ourselves."

 

It is possible to fall in love with someone else when you are in a relationship and still do the right thing. We are human after all.

 

Thanks again everyone, I just wanted to give my 2c worth - it worked out for the best!

 

Just understand that should you and "Fred" end up together, you will likely need to develop a new social circle. It will be apparent to all that your relationships ended at the same time. And unless it is many years in the future , it will be processed by your ex as a double betrayal.

[Cephalopod]

Yes your relationship with your ex boyfriend was abusive. You abused him by cheating with his best friend. I'm glad you are not in his life anymore.

Edited December 12, 2016 by Cephalopod

[Try]

I was looking for an "out." Meeting "Fred" was still a catalyst, I firmly believe to this day.

 

We are both having time and space away from each other to respect our ex partners and "find ourselves."

 

It is possible to fall in love with someone else when you are in a relationship and still do the right thing.

Your affair partner and you need to stop patting your selves on the back. The "right thing" would have been for you and Fred to tell each of your exs about your affair being the "catalyst" for each of you ending it with your exs. This way they would both know all of the factors as to why you both gave up trying to work it out with them, and your ex will know that Fred was not really a friend of his. Instead it appears that you and your affair partner will be keeping "time and space away from each other" so that you can lie and tell everyone that you fell "in love with" each other after the breakup instead of before. This is standard cheaters script stuff, and has nothing to do with respect for your exs.

[Petering]

Also, I highly doubt her relationship was "abusive" I've found that this seems to be a major go to when she men "act out" in relationships.

 

 

Thanks for the assumption, I'm gonna tell you right now it was abusive and my life has been absolutely 1000% better since I left. "New toy" and I decided to cut off contact for a while to do our own thing. We didn't want to make a stupid "heat of the moment" decision in "affair" fog like this forum speaks of so much.

 

Not that we ever did anything more than realise we were getting far too close emotionally and then cut each other off so that we could sort things out with our partners separately.

 

I feel like this site has absolutely no allowance for people to be HUMAN. Once I figured out I had feelings for "FRED" the first thing I said was "this is not right" and left my partner. No more to it.

 

Or am I just a really **** person anyway and might as well of just lead my ex on and lie to everyone for years and continue in the EA knowingly then develop PA and then and then.... geez

 

I just feel like I need to stand up for people who feel like they have morals getting stuck in these situations. It. Happens.

 

When I told my psych the first thing she said to me was "It's not wrong to feel things. It is the way you act on those feelings that matters."

 

She guided me through this whole process and I just wanted to seek a forum for other opinions. My bad!

[somanymistakes]

Remember, a lot of people are here because they've been hurt and are still understandably angry. We're not perfect advice-giving machines.

 

It's best to ignore posts that don't really speak to the truth of your situation. (I say this partly to remind myself of it!)

[aliveagain]

If you and ex's best friend pursue a relationship you both need to be honest with your ex. Most guys won't date a best friends ex because it still hurts him when he finds out your seeing each other. You did the right thing in breaking up with him, you both now have a chance at real happiness.

[BluesPower]

Thanks for the assumption, I'm gonna tell you right now it was abusive and my life has been absolutely 1000% better since I left. "New toy" and I decided to cut off contact for a while to do our own thing. We didn't want to make a stupid "heat of the moment" decision in "affair" fog like this forum speaks of so much.

 

Not that we ever did anything more than realise we were getting far too close emotionally and then cut each other off so that we could sort things out with our partners separately.

 

I feel like this site has absolutely no allowance for people to be HUMAN. Once I figured out I had feelings for "FRED" the first thing I said was "this is not right" and left my partner. No more to it.

 

Or am I just a really **** person anyway and might as well of just lead my ex on and lie to everyone for years and continue in the EA knowingly then develop PA and then and then.... geez

 

I just feel like I need to stand up for people who feel like they have morals getting stuck in these situations. It. Happens.

 

When I told my psych the first thing she said to me was "It's not wrong to feel things. It is the way you act on those feelings that matters."

 

She guided me through this whole process and I just wanted to seek a forum for other opinions. My bad!

 

I think you handled it well...

 

You did not physically cheat, which is good. You had an EA, but you stopped before it became more.

 

Overall I think you did well.

 

So did you and Fred ever get together or not?