Is stealing someone as bad as cheating?

[Kens8156]

Hi all,

 

Yesterday I had an argument with my current gf. We are together for 8 months now and it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

But then yesterday I told her that the two girls I was with before her, I stole from someone else. She said she could not believe I am that kind of guy and that it is as bad as cheating (which she once did before she knew me btw).

 

Am I wrong or is she completely exaggerating? I know that what I did is not the good thing to do and in retrospect I shouldn't have done it, especially not after the first time. But then again, the second time the girl actually started the whole thing and I just wasn't able to say no to her.

 

So surely, this isn't as bad as cheating? And secondly, should I be worried she thinks it is?

[mikeylo]

People get stolen only if they want to.

[jen1447]

If by stealing you mean having sex w them while they're in another relationship and on the way out to be w you, then it's actually the same thing as cheating.

 

Opinions vary otherwise. Some ppl think it's the lowest of the low but others don't see much alternative when the choice is let someone you really like pass by (quite possibly for someone they're not much invested in) or stake your claim. We live in a competitive social culture, like it or not. And circumstances vary too.

 

I will say I don't like the weasally approach to doing it, which is what most stealers use.

[Toodaloo]

Shows a lack of morals.

 

So yes it is as bad.

 

But no I don't think you should worry. Just drop the subject and move on.

[Kens8156]

I didn't have sex with them when they were together with the other guy, and the last time I didn't even kiss her before she told him.

 

Is it then bad that I did it twice and thus didn't learn from my mistake, and she did because she only cheated once?

[Toodaloo]

I didn't have sex with them when they were together with the other guy, and the last time I didn't even kiss her before she told him.

 

Is it then bad that I did it twice and thus didn't learn from my mistake, and she did because she only cheated once?

 

Its even worse that you are comparing your own morals to those of another.

 

How about setting your own standards of what you find acceptable in your own and others behaviour...

[kgcolonel]

Like Jen said, opinions vary widely. I typically look at these type of questions as how would i feel if i were in the other person's shoes so in this instance, yes every bit as bad.

 

You stepped into someone else's relationship and were an element that helped in the betrayal. Others will feel differently but again, how would you feel if the roles were reversed?

 

Integrity is not fluid, either you are bound by integrity or you bargain with it to meet your wants and desires....just my take.

[SammySammy]

Depends on how it was done.

 

If the person left their partner before getting with you, it's not as bad as cheating. If there was no deception or dishonesty, it's not as bad as cheating.

 

Similar, but not the same.

 

Getting dumped for somebody else might be painful, but it's not technically cheating unless the dumper was unfaithful.

[l8estnews]

What do you mean stolen?

 

a. If someone is forced to have sex, then that's rape.

b. If someone is forced to have feelings for someone, then... actually that's not possible so scrap that

 

So if one person is in a relationship with another, then suddenly he/she went with another one, then that's not "stealing." I don't believe in "stolen" boyfriends/girlfriends.

 

That's such an insult to victims of kidnapping/abduction.

[carhill]

OP, how did the discussion of the two partners before her come up? If you're asking for specifics regarding your relationship, context matters IMO. In general, treating the past as the past is prudent. You're in a great 8mo old R here. That's cool.

 

In general, since we can't read minds, save for legal stuff like a marriage, it's really impossible to know how people are attached to other people. Everyone is different.

 

Historically, tiptoeing around the vagaries of who's with who led to a lot of lonely nights for myself as a young man. Why? Everyone seemed to be, with emphasis on seemed, with someone, dating someone, someone's girlfriend, living with someone, etc, etc. Another guy, a guy who was more bold and cared less about rules, just placed his interest front and center and the lady's relationship status was her issue, not his. If she turned, she did. If not, not. She was in complete control of her choice.

 

I called that era the school of hard knocks love is war era. Learned a lot. Solitude provides time for reflection.

 

You're not alone, rather in a great 8mo relationship with a lady you state is the best thing to happen to you. Sure, contemplate such issues and resolve your own boundaries but let those processes show through your actions rather than gushing everything out. What do you choose now? Go with that.

[Space Ritual]

Hi all,

 

Yesterday I had an argument with my current gf. We are together for 8 months now and it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

But then yesterday I told her that the two girls I was with before her, I stole from someone else. She said she could not believe I am that kind of guy and that it is as bad as cheating (which she once did before she knew me btw).

 

Am I wrong or is she completely exaggerating? I know that what I did is not the good thing to do and in retrospect I shouldn't have done it, especially not after the first time. But then again, the second time the girl actually started the whole thing and I just wasn't able to say no to her.

 

So surely, this isn't as bad as cheating? And secondly, should I be worried she thinks it is?

 

An odd thing to get into an argument about. I suggest in the future perhaps in your next relationship you don't mention how you "stole" women away from their man. I can tell you from experience that women don't like to hear such things. It gets their Irish up and before you know it you've got a blowout on your hands for no reason at all.

 

Nothing good will come of it. Because in equation arguments with partners there will never be a right answer for the person you are arguing this point with...it does not matter why, there just isn't.

 

You'd be best advised to develop a long term loss of short term memory if it ever comes up again...lol

[Buddhist]

Am I wrong or is she completely exaggerating? I know that what I did is not the good thing to do and in retrospect I shouldn't have done it, especially not after the first time. But then again, the second time the girl actually started the whole thing and I just wasn't able to say no to her.

 

So surely, this isn't as bad as cheating? And secondly, should I be worried she thinks it is?

 

It's exactly the same thing as cheating because you are starting up a relationship with someone who isn't single. There is no difference. Secondly it shows you have a desire to 'win' in love which isn't a very good trait. You are seeing it as a game and it means more to you to win something than to be genuine. Thirdly if you can't say 'no' then what does that say about your character? Can your gf trust you to say 'no' now if another temptation comes along? I doubt it. You're abdicating responsibility for your own actions which is a weakness.

[Kens8156]

OP, how did the discussion of the two partners before her come up? If you're asking for specifics regarding your relationship, context matters IMO. In general, treating the past as the past is prudent. You're in a great 8mo old R here. That's cool.

 

In general, since we can't read minds, save for legal stuff like a marriage, it's really impossible to know how people are attached to other people. Everyone is different.

 

Historically, tiptoeing around the vagaries of who's with who led to a lot of lonely nights for myself as a young man. Why? Everyone seemed to be, with emphasis on seemed, with someone, dating someone, someone's girlfriend, living with someone, etc, etc. Another guy, a guy who was more bold and cared less about rules, just placed his interest front and center and the lady's relationship status was her issue, not his. If she turned, she did. If not, not. She was in complete control of her choice.

 

I called that era the school of hard knocks love is war era. Learned a lot. Solitude provides time for reflection.

 

You're not alone, rather in a great 8mo relationship with a lady you state is the best thing to happen to you. Sure, contemplate such issues and resolve your own boundaries but let those processes show through your actions rather than gushing everything out. What do you choose now? Go with that.

 

First of all thanks for your opinion carhill!

The discussion came up because we were talking about her exes first, and then mine came up. Sometimes we talk about that, but now I told her about the 'stealing' for the first time.

 

I've been in the same position as you are for years, seeing how everyone around me was getting a gf and I didn't. Maybe that is the reason why I stole someone, because I felt it was maybe my only chance.

 

Of course now I know that is not the right thing to do and I also wouldn't want anyone else steal my gf, but in the end I also have to trust that so wouldn't allow that to happen. Similarly I will have to show her that those things happened in the past and that I am now fully committed to her, not to give her the right image but simply because it is true.

[Satu]

There are no conscripts in adult relationships, everyone is a volunteer.

[Shanex]

I was stolen a couple girlfriends by ''friends'' in the past, friends that I had to dispose of, naturally. I grow a thicker skin, but didn't appreciate then. No moral, no scruples. These are people I have no business to be with.

 

It's not cheating, if you get dumped and they leave for the other person, but it's irritating enough.

[elaine567]

She said she could not believe I am that kind of guy and that it is as bad as cheating (which she once did before she knew me btw).

 

...So surely, this isn't as bad as cheating? And secondly, should I be worried she thinks it is?

 

Something done in the past that changes a person's perception of you as an individual for the worse, is always a worry.

She obviously did not like to hear that about you, and whilst she actually cheated, that may make no difference in how she views what you did. Just because she cheated doesn't mean she will accept your past demeanours. People who have cheated tend to want to avoid cheaters as partners, as they know how they think.

 

It is now all down to trust, can she trust you, now she knows you apparently cannot say no? Can she trust you around her "attached" gfs? Are you constantly on the look out for women you can steal?

How moral and trustworthy are you if you can steal another man's gf out from under his nose?

 

YOU know that you are fully committed to her, but this will no doubt have made her a bit suspicious of you. Sorry.

 

I never think it is a good thing to go into too much detail about exes, it rarely benefits any relationship, in fact it is usually detrimental.

[basil67]

I find it interesting looking at how times have changed. In the works of Austen and Alcott, it was acceptable for a man to woo a woman if she wasn't engaged. I'm trying to recall if the Bronte sisters also found this to be normal.

 

Anyway, I agree with their sentiments. If there's been no great commitment made, I see no foul in competing for a person's affections.

[smackie9]

Well if they are not engaged or married then they are free game technically. BUT it does say a lot about your character. Getting involved with someone who is in a relationship shows a lack of respect/empathy for others. You have no self control over your own selfish desires. That is why your GF is alarmed about the choices you made. I don't blame her.

[aileD]

By pursing someone who was already in a relationship, you have shown yourself to be someone who does not respect relationships.

 

Your girlfriend is now worried because if you didn't respect the relationships of the other girls, it means there may come a time when you won't respect the relationship with your girlfriend.

 

Is it as bad as cheating? Yes, it's the same thing. Cheaters don't respect their relationships and neither do the people they cheat with.

[carhill]

OP, presuming you consider it relevant to your boundaries, when you were with the two previous partners, did you pursue or 'steal' a new partner while still with them or did the relationships end of their own accord and you 'stole' a new partner while single and unattached?

 

I'm asking the question because of often getting 'felt out' (not physically but rather for interest) by MW's when I was a younger man. Nothing 'happened' but I sincerely doubt their husbands would have appreciated or approved of their fishing expeditions. Some people call it 'testing the waters'.

 

There's a lot of interpretation in relationships and each person interprets uniquely. What may appear to be 'stealing' or 'cheating' to one person may not be perceived that way by another. This also extends to what is 'bad' or not. As long as you and your GF are on the same page here, now and voluntarily and fluidly, IMO go with the flow and enjoy the R.

[Poutrew]

Here's the problem I have with 'stealing' a woman. It assumes the woman has no choice in the matter. This places her on the same level as a chimpanzee - the males fight for mating rights, and the female offers herself to the victor. Both the male and female in this case are totally controlled by the DNA programming in their cells. They have no ability to go against their programming. Humans are supposed to be different, and in fact are. We have the ability to over ride our instinct to behave like beasts of the field. That's what our huge brains are for. By saying you stole a human female, you are implicitly comparing her to an animal. Your present girlfriend may not want a man who is happy being with an animal... It that case, your GF will soon be your ex gf...

[redbaron007]

Here's the problem I have with 'stealing' a woman. It assumes the woman has no choice in the matter. This places her on the same level as a chimpanzee - the males fight for mating rights, and the female offers herself to the victor. Both the male and female in this case are totally controlled by the DNA programming in their cells. They have no ability to go against their programming. Humans are supposed to be different, and in fact are. We have the ability to over ride our instinct to behave like beasts of the field. That's what our huge brains are for. By saying you stole a human female, you are implicitly comparing her to an animal. Your present girlfriend may not want a man who is happy being with an animal... It that case, your GF will soon be your ex gf...

 

I agree with this completely. A thief "steals" a possession. When one talks about "stealing" a woman, one implies that she is an inanimate object owned by another person, instead of an independent free-thinking human who can make her own choices.

 

I also agree with some of the other posters that relationships other than wedlock are pretty fluid, and women (especially younger ones) often "monkey-swing", or at least are curious about other prospects (posters like oldshirt have commented at length on other threads re:this). I personally have been in two situations where women (local college students) gave me their numbers and agreed to go out with me, and literally the very next day, I practically bumped into them when they were all lovey-dovey/PDA with their boyfriends at the local Starbucks or cinema.

 

I personally do not give any credence to any relationship other than one where a formal commitment has been made, i.e. a ring on her finger is the only thing that will stop me from approaching a woman I find attractive. The rest is on her - she will make the choice best for her.

[SammySammy]

Here's the problem I have with 'stealing' a woman. It assumes the woman has no choice in the matter. This places her on the same level as a chimpanzee - the males fight for mating rights, and the female offers herself to the victor. Both the male and female in this case are totally controlled by the DNA programming in their cells. They have no ability to go against their programming. Humans are supposed to be different, and in fact are. We have the ability to over ride our instinct to behave like beasts of the field. That's what our huge brains are for. By saying you stole a human female, you are implicitly comparing her to an animal. Your present girlfriend may not want a man who is happy being with an animal... It that case, your GF will soon be your ex gf...

 

Agreed.

 

Treating women like they are property.

[Kens8156]

@carhill:

I was not in a relationship when I was pursuing those girls, and I would also never do that when I was. I think we are both on the same page regarding our relationship, both fully committed and wanting to build a life together. We both made mistakes in the past, we know that, but we want to do this together and to the best of our ability. I think that is most important and I don't think past behaviour is always a predictor for future behaviour.

 

Furthermore I want to say that I absolutely do not see women as a possession and indeed as fully independent people who make their own decisions. So when they are in a relationship and they start pursuing me (both times I did not make the first move), I don't think I am the only one responsible.

 

I do feel like a bad person though that I did not put myself in the position of the other guy and think about how I would feel if I were them. I have been in that position, being the other guy, but I must say that I blame my ex more for allowing him to come closer than I blame him for trying.

[Gaeta]

You did nothing wrong if you were single and did not cheat on someone while 'stealing' these girls away.

 

To steal someone away you need someone willing to be stolen. The one person who's got to wonder about their morals is the woman accepting to be stolen while in a relationship. Women aren't inanimated objects you can steal, to be stolen they have to give their agreement. She is 100% responsible

 

This is the world of dating. If you are not married or are not living together this is a game of finding the right person. People steal and change BF GF every day till they find that one they want to spend the rest of their life together.

 

I have a friend who's been married 25 years. She 'stole' her man from another woman. He was dating someone else and she tried to win him over and he chose her instead of his girlfriend. HIS choice, he could have rejected her and stay with his girlfriend. In his case it turned out to be a good choice 25 years together.

 

If someone tried to steal me away they'd hit wall of brick. I AM the only one deciding who I want to be in a relationship with, no one steal me away unless I consent to it.