Question for OM/OW - why a coward?

[notmyselfnow]

A comment on one of the previous threads got me wondering. Maybe someone here can provide some insight?

 

I am a BS, and the OW sent a variety of nasty texts (before she was blocked) to both me and my WH about how cowardly he was being. She repeated that over and over again, and demanded apologies from him.

 

Before, when he was cheating, she thought he was the be all and end all in men. She thought he was amazing and would do anything for him.

 

Now that I found out, and made it clear what needed to happen for me to stay, he cut off all contact, immediately, and refused to engage with her despite her repeated attempts to contact him. He - immediately - sent a no contact and has honored it since that time.

 

They never shared words of love or talked about the future, according to both of them. WH did talk about what a terrible marriage he was in - the typical. I was selfish and horrible, we never had sex, it was like living with a roommate. All lies.

 

The OW sent texts about how she loves him and he threw her under the bus and what a coward he is and how weak he is. What makes him cowardly and weak? Is it that she just wants to believe that he really wanted her, but is scared to go for it? I find it hard to believe that someone that acknowledges responsibility for the wrongs they have done and tries to atone for them is being cowardly.

 

For the record, the OW is really pathetic on multiple levels, and WH was pretty disgusted with her all along, but hey, she was willing to have sex with no demands, so he selfishly went for it. I don't believe that had he been single, he ever would have been interested in her. And he doesn't want to be with her now, that I am sure of. He's working awfully hard on the marriage and doing everything right to be reasonably pretending. He almost lost me, he may still, and this is his one and only chance to make it right. I don't see how that makes him a coward.

 

In any case there have been a few phrases - thrown under the bus, cowards - that I have seen over and over again. Why? What's the rationale?

 

By the way, posted here rather than in infidelity because I was hoping a OW/OM might shed some light on it. If the mods disagree, my apologies.

[Chica80]

I think many times as OW you believe, and want to believe you're (the MM) is doing this for love. Because the MM wants to be loved.

Because we really can't understand how you can cheat on someone you say you love. If you loved your spouse and were happy you wouldn't cheat.

So if you stay not for love, it's for duty or reputation etc.

Therefore that makes you a coward. Not to really "follow your heart and the one you love"

 

Don't know if this helps?

[Chica80]

"Under the bus" these are generalizations for the most part and applies to most stations not all.

 

MM stories all the same no sex not appreciated on and on.

So the OW provides comfort sex appreciation. Then as soon as wife founds out doesn't matter what occurred, she gets tossed aside used her life upside down esp if she is married with kids too and he goes back to his wife his family.

So he gets reconciliation and light bulb that suddenly appears out of no where oh no I really love my wife and family. So if your wife and family is who you love and what you want. "What the **** do I matter. I meant nothing just for your pleasure and I'm the bad guy now. "

 

Both cheat, MM and OW chose to cheat but she gets discarded like trash and he gets his life back.

[basil67]

Because hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

[oldshirt]

I'm a guy and not an OW so don't take this as gospel, but very few OWs want to face the fact that they are simply a sexual [partner] to the MM.

 

They either really believe or they want to believe that they are younger, cuter, sexier, nicer etc than the BW and they really think the WH is going to leave for them.

 

When the MM goes back to the wife like a naughty little boy and drops them cold, they feel duped, betrayed and bitter.

 

They have spent months and maybe even years hearing how cold, mean, frigid, [] etc the BW is, so when the MM tucks his tail up between his legs and goes back to the W like a timid puppy dog, she sees him as weak and cowardly.

Edited October 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited for language; member already moderated

[Patrice]

of character on the part of your spouse. Those men, just burn women - you and the OW. You demand respect from this, you are entitled to it, and you just keep talking.

[notmyselfnow]

So he gets reconciliation and light bulb that suddenly appears out of no where oh no I really love my wife and family. So if your wife and family is who you love and what you want. "What the **** do I matter. I meant nothing just for your pleasure and I'm the bad guy now. "

 

Both cheat, MM and OW chose to cheat but she gets discarded like trash and he gets his life back.

 

I struggle with this. WH comes out ahead. He gets to have an affair and have sex with someone else and still keep his wife and kids. I get to deal with the fallout and betrayal and gut-wrenching sorrow and anger.

 

But, I guess one of the things that irks me is OW gets to believe that she's some unrequited love affair and that he's staying with me out of duty. I know - from reading on here, that OW suffer too. However, I never asked for this. They did.

 

Maybe what bothers me about this question is that WH gets everything, OW gets the fantasy that he really loves her and hates me, and I get betrayal and heartache.

[Chica80]

I struggle with this. WH comes out ahead. He gets to have an affair and have sex with someone else and still keep his wife and kids. I get to deal with the fallout and betrayal and gut-wrenching sorrow and anger.

 

But, I guess one of the things that irks me is OW gets to believe that she's some unrequited love affair and that he's staying with me out of duty. I know - from reading on here, that OW suffer too. However, I never asked for this. They did.

 

Maybe what bothers me about this question is that WH gets everything, OW gets the fantasy that he really loves her and hates me, and I get betrayal and heartache.

 

I'm really sorry. This happened to you. I can't imagine your pain.

I think not all A are the same or happens for the same reasons. This is a public forum so everyone will give you advice based on their experience.

 

What does Your H say his reasons are? Do you believe him? Do you think he's told you the whole truth and do you believe he really wants to reconcile?

Also how long was the A?

 

I can tell you that I think my MM is cowardly, because he lies to his W. Because he has never future faked or lied. But if he loves his W how can you do that to the person you say you love. Our A started before he was married. To me I see their whole marraigned based on a lie.

I'm not a victim, I chose this she didn't. She's the only innocent.

So when you say why is he a coward. That's why I think he's a coward. But that's my POV. From my experience.

[Midwestmissy]

My wh didn't get away without agony. He lost the respect of his kids, one of whom left for college without having resolved any of this. He allowed his abusive behavior of me to affect the kids. He will never get back the time he lost with his family due to the fact he lied for so long (during and after it ended). He never considered his family when he stepped out because he wasn't going to get caught. So no need to think ahead at all.

 

He's embarrassed and ashamed of what he did and how his choices screwed up so much good in his life. He didn't walk back into the marriage all happy. We had to deal with cuckoo pants mow, the fact that wh became a punch line for his association with her. He doesn't consider having had easy sex for 5 months a win (I do not believe the ow was easier than he was, they were both a hot mess). Once he went down that rabbit hole of bad decisions, everything was tainted for him professionally. As he said, he couldn't act like a sewer rat and associate with winners. Like attracted like. He brought so much crap into his life and we are still shoveling it.

 

No one feels like a winner. I think we ascribe our thoughts to others and assume we have it the worst. But I would not trade places with my wh for anything.

[Midwestmissy]

Eta, it's easy to also say that the ow waltzed in, tried to grab at things that weren't hers, get dumped and waltz off to find the next victim. But one just needs to read here that it doesn't happen much.

[notmyselfnow]

I'm really sorry. This happened to you. I can't imagine your pain.

I think not all A are the same or happens for the same reasons. This is a public forum so everyone will give you advice based on their experience.

 

What does Your H say his reasons are? Do you believe him? Do you think he's told you the whole truth and do you believe he really wants to reconcile?

Also how long was the A?

 

I can tell you that I think my MM is cowardly, because he lies to his W. Because he has never future faked or lied. But if he loves his W how can you do that to the person you say you love. Our A started before he was married. To me I see their whole marraigned based on a lie.

I'm not a victim, I chose this she didn't. She's the only innocent.

So when you say why is he a coward. That's why I think he's a coward. But that's my POV. From my experience.

 

It has been heartbreaking. Their affair spanned a few years but involved relatively few physical, all drunken, encounters as she does not live in the same state we do. He said he blamed me for having to move (it was job related but not my fault; we had no other choice as I make significantly more money and we need my income). He said he was acting selfishly, and she adulated him, gave him constant ego boosts and hung on his every word. She also made it very very clear (not just to him, but as I found out later from the person that told me about the affair, to everyone around, which is humiliating in itself) that she wanted to sleep with him and pursued him. He said he was drunk and selfish and liked the attention. He says he doesn't really like her as a person, doesn't even really know her, and while it was obvious she was head over heels for him, he wasn't attracted to her or cared about her. And, yes, I know he slept with her, but I truly don't think it was about her - it was about her being a person that he knew would say yes.

 

I do really think he is trying to reconcile as from the moment I found out, he did everything I asked and has been very very remorseful. Sure - he could be lying. But I don't think he is and at some point I have to believe his current actions and try to move on if I want to try to make it work. We're both in counseling - me to try to recover who I was before this, and him to figure out why he betrayed his family and the woman he supposedly loves.

 

And I guess what bugs me is that BEFORE I found out, she thought he walked on water and every word from his mouth dripped with brilliance. AFTER I found out, and he dumped her, then she decided he was a coward. She didn't think he was a coward for lying to me, she thought he was a coward for not picking her

 

Gah! I just feel so angry about all of this. I didn't choose this, but I have to deal with it. I'm SO SO glad I know, but this is really horrible. It just feels so very unjust.

[Lion Heart]

I'm a guy and not an OW so don't take this as gospel, but very few OWs want to face the fact that they are simply a sexual side dish to the MM.

 

They either really believe or they want to believe that they are younger, cuter, sexier, nicer etc than the BW and they really think the WH is going to leave for them.

 

When the MM goes back to the wife like a naughty little boy and drops them cold, they feel duped, betrayed and bitter.

 

They have spent months and maybe even years hearing how cold, mean, frigid, bitchy etc the BW is, so when the MM tucks his tail up between his legs and goes back to the W like a timid puppy dog, she sees him as weak and cowardly.

 

This.

Ofcourse people who have affairs are cowardly.

 

COURAGEOUS people will face the truth and DEAL with it. (This is you not myself NOT the other 2).

COWARDS will hide behind lies and deceit and do everything they can for you NOT to know what's going on.

 

Can cowards become courageous?

Lol. Maybe! You are choosing to see your WH actions NOW as courageous.

Good for you. Your improved opinion of him is much needed for R.

I see a cake-eater. Hopefully past tense for your sake.

 

The IMPORTANT THING TO REMEMBER is that HE SHOWED YOU what his capabilities ARE. Fool me once etc etc.

 

It's very important you noted that he's skating on thin ice.

 

CONSEQUENCES for further cheating must be clearly communicated.

FOLLOWED through upon.

Executed swiftly.

 

Hence my repulsion for R. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with my ducks steady in a row. Thank GOODNESS I ended it.

 

So...to the OW lol. Oh if I could be bothered I'd have pity for OWs and OMs. The only ones I do feel empathy for are those that had no idea their AP was M. You see what most of these do?

EXIT IMMEDIATELY.

This shows proper disgust.

This shows their COURAGE.

It also shows their degree of SELF-RESPECT.

 

They recognize their position IMMEDIATELY and ACT SWIFTLY. They are not going to be a THIRD wheel. They deserve BETTER and get it. AWAY from a CHEATING MM.

 

Done.

 

The OW in your case?

Just get OUT OF HER HEAD.

WHO CARES WHAT she thinks lol.

 

I think from all your quizzical thinking on the matter you KNOW that alot more went on than you know.

 

Your WH DID throw her under a bus. Sure he did! They were in a SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP and ongoing sexual relationships HAVE some type of connection. Ofcourse expectations of SOME type.

 

IF YOUR WH had have said to OW "Hey honey, let's f*** whenever I want it. You're NEVER gonna be my anything BUT a dumb thing on the side. I will NEVER leave my W no matter HOW MUCH I complain about her. In fact THAT'S ALL LIES too! She's pretty awesome in fact and THAT'S WHY I MARRIED her. I'd never marry you." Blah blah blah.

 

Do you THINK OW would've hung around long?

That's what prostitutes are for.

 

He used her like a free prostitute so OFCOURSE NOW she feels completely betrayed because she WAS.

 

Cheaters are not of nice character to do any of this to their spouses, children and APs.

 

You need to focus more on the character of your WH and find out what you want.

 

Lion Heart

[ladydesigner]

Cheaters are not of nice character to do any of this to their spouses, children and APs.

 

You need to focus more on the character of your WH and find out what you want.

 

Lion Heart

 

^This^

 

I would focus more on what your WH's character really is than on what the OW thinks of him. I think EVERY single WS behaves cowardly by having an A.

[Blanch]

Why call a MM a coward? I'm a BW too and I think what my WH did was totally cowardly. He basically did almost evil things and said totally despicable things behind my back that he wasn't brave enough to say to my face or do in front of me. He didn't want anyone else other than the OW to know either. THe OW of course knew he was doign these things and chose to accept him in full knowledge of who and what he was. I was the innocent party.

 

After d-day he did the standard NC thing of course because in the end it was me he decided to be with. This was cowardly too as he wouldn't face her with the truth, (and of course for reconciliation this is what is supposedly required so that suited him quite well) and I guess that was the point when it was brought home to her that he was a coward. Before that she was a smug observer of what he was doing to me. The BW always bears the brunt of the bad behaviour and is often heartbroken for years afterwards.

 

We're now a long time past d-day and both retired from work with our children grown up. I often wonder if we did the right thing in staying together.

[Satu]

I see it this way:

 

Your WH wronged you and his AP.

 

His AP wronged you.

 

I'm not sure that she wronged your WH, because if he'd kept his zipper done up, none of this would have happened.

 

Just my take on it.

 

 

Take care.

[Chica80]

It has been heartbreaking. Their affair spanned a few years but involved relatively few physical, all drunken, encounters as she does not live in the same state we do. He said he blamed me for having to move (it was job related but not my fault; we had no other choice as I make significantly more money and we need my income). He said he was acting selfishly, and she adulated him, gave him constant ego boosts and hung on his every word. She also made it very very clear (not just to him, but as I found out later from the person that told me about the affair, to everyone around, which is humiliating in itself) that she wanted to sleep with him and pursued him. He said he was drunk and selfish and liked the attention. He says he doesn't really like her as a person, doesn't even really know her, and while it was obvious she was head over heels for him, he wasn't attracted to her or cared about her. And, yes, I know he slept with her, but I truly don't think it was about her - it was about her being a person that he knew would say yes.

 

I do really think he is trying to reconcile as from the moment I found out, he did everything I asked and has been very very remorseful. Sure - he could be lying. But I don't think he is and at some point I have to believe his current actions and try to move on if I want to try to make it work. We're both in counseling - me to try to recover who I was before this, and him to figure out why he betrayed his family and the woman he supposedly loves.

 

And I guess what bugs me is that BEFORE I found out, she thought he walked on water and every word from his mouth dripped with brilliance. AFTER I found out, and he dumped her, then she decided he was a coward. She didn't think he was a coward for lying to me, she thought he was a coward for not picking her

 

Gah! I just feel so angry about all of this. I didn't choose this, but I have to deal with it. I'm SO SO glad I know, but this is really horrible. It just feels so very unjust.

 

Its very unjust!! Your feelings are valid.

 

Only time will tell. Look at his actions. What he does not what he says. He could now tell you that you hung the moon and your his only love or whatever he says. It could be he realized what he almost lost. Or he is scared and will say anything....I hope for your sake it's the former...

 

I think whether BS OW WS. There will always be questions. Sometimes you may never get the real answer you are searching for because you are trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense.

 

Are you in IC? Or MC?

[SammySammy]

She's hurt. Lashing out in pain. I imagine she's in a weakened emotional state right now. She's probably called him a lot of things that may or may not be accurate.

 

What's important is rebuilding your marriage. I don't believe the names she calls him affects that in any way. I would focus on what matters.

[wmacbride]

In all honesty, it's been my observation that OW will also throw the mm under the bus when the A ends.

By this I mean that the man who they were smitten with suddenly becomes a terrible person, a liar, a manipulator, etc.

 

the funny thing is that he was all those things before the end of the A ...but since it was to his bS, ow's will excuse it.

 

I can understand this, and bs do it too, to a point.

[MidnightBlue1980]

 

For the record, the OW is really pathetic on multiple levels, and WH was pretty disgusted with her all along, but hey, she was willing to have sex with no demands, so he selfishly went for it. I don't believe that had he been single, he ever would have been interested in her. And he doesn't want to be with her now, that I am sure of. He's working awfully hard on the marriage and doing everything right to be reasonably pretending. He almost lost me, he may still, and this is his one and only chance to make it right. I don't see how that makes him a coward.

 

 

So the woman who fell for your husbands bag of tricks is pathetic, but you stay with him and call the other woman who believed his lies pathetic.....we are not very different from each other. Your post makes me so angry, I cannot even respond.

[MidnightBlue1980]

My H has been so mad this whole year. xMM has been telling me how he is lying to his wife in MC, telling her what she wants to hear to lead her into false security. He was not even supposed to talk to me, he;s been following me around and basically making me upset for months and months. mm told me how he lied to BS about saying he loved me, said he said what she needed to hear. My H is planning on telling her all this at the holidays, how its a big stinkfest of false reconciliation, and after reading this and realizing she probably is saying these things about me - since you could be describing my xmm, I am going to let my H do whatever he wants. Tear it all down.

 

I am so angry now. You could be her and I am not pathetic. He LIED and I am not going to protect him anymore. You post makes my blood boil. I am sure he said those things to her about me, I know some of them as she spoke to my husband. He wants to enlighten her about what a LIAR her poor, victim husband is. I am going to say - go for it.

 

Edited to add - I understand you felt for his bag of tricks same as we did. I'm not mad at you. You hit a nerve. No one will call me pathetic, that's all. He's lying to her and boasting to me of it. It ends.

Edited September 30, 2016 by MidnightBlue1980

[malvern99]

The OW sent texts about how she loves him and he threw her under the bus and what a coward he is and how weak he is. What makes him cowardly and weak? Is it that she just wants to believe that he really wanted her, but is scared to go for it?

 

You hit the nail on the head here. This is why some OW call their exMM cowards. The only other option is accepting the fact that their "lurve" was nothing but smoke and mirrors designed to keep the A going. It must be really difficult to wake up one day and realize that what felt so real was fake, so it is easier for some to throw the blame for their reality at someone else. It really is a shame though, because instead of taking stock and looking at themselves in the mirror, they would rather leave themselves blameless and put all the baggage on the "coward".

[MidnightBlue1980]

You hit the nail on the head here. This is why some OW call their exMM cowards. The only other option is accepting the fact that their "lurve" was nothing but smoke and mirrors designed to keep the A going. It must be really difficult to wake up one day and realize that what felt so real was fake, so it is easier for some to throw the blame for their reality at someone else. It really is a shame though, because instead of taking stock and looking at themselves in the mirror, they would rather leave themselves blameless and put all the baggage on the "coward".

 

Believe me, we do not think ourselves blameless. We come to the realization that the "love" was a bunch of BS to get us to do sexual acts their wives wouldn't do. (or so they say, who knows the real story). What gets us so angry is that most of these guys win, there is no consequence to their actions. They dance on. Meanwhile it is the women - the collateral damage posting here, pointing fingers against each other.

[BuddyX]

I'm going to be honest with you, your husband is not good marriage material-from what you described.

 

His infidelity, according to him was due to a lack of sex, attention, distance, booze. All lies according to you. So if he's not in a miserable marriage and is still willing to cheat then what kind of boundaries does he have?

 

And don't tell me alcohol was the main factor. Alcohol alters actions not morals. If he's meant to do it, he's meant to do it.

 

I would be very careful with your husband.

[Chica80]

Believe me, we do not think ourselves blameless. We come to the realization that the "love" was a bunch of BS to get us to do sexual acts their wives wouldn't do. (or so they say, who knows the real story). What gets us so angry is that most of these guys win, there is no consequence to their actions. They dance on. Meanwhile it is the women - the collateral damage posting here, pointing fingers against each other.

 

YES!! I agree!!!

 

Sometimes not always... MM will go out tell OW all these lies how awful it is for them blah blah... Really it was just because they weren't getting enough attention or ego boost at hm. So when they are caught oh no it was wife they wanted all along. OW was beneath me. I was drunk.... whatever. So then they go hm and wife forgives wants to reconcile no all of a sudden they are getting all the love attention they wanted from their wife. So two women are hurt pitted against eachother in a way so MM gets what he wants.

 

Again generalization.....

Edited September 30, 2016 by Sunshinechica

[Lion Heart]

YES!! I agree!!!

 

IDK I'm kinda dancing with JOY that the truth ALL came out! Always have been so GRATEFUL for the truth.

 

I'm a BW twice over! I'M SO SOOOOOO HAPPY to leave ALL of that complete garbage behind me. I'm talking about the BEHAVIOURS of these types of people.

 

IT'S WONDERFUL without them.

 

Sure there's "collateral damage" lol. WAY more on his side than MINE. He's completely lost the respect of his children. The house. The M he did an about turn on WANTING. ALL OF IT.

 

Too bad. Too sad. For HIM. NOT ME.

 

I'm busily repairing the damage he's done to the kids. Myself.

My finances.

My life. It's ok. I'm happy to have him out asap.

 

Phoenixes rise, with Lion's Hearts.

 

It was hilarious watching OW throw HIM under the busses. Plural. She had him sacked after HIS family had her sacked.

 

It was a VERITABLE CIRCUS. STILL IS.

 

BE A BYSTANDER.

BE in the AUDIENCE if you must.

 

I left the show. It was not WORTH the price of the ticket lol.

 

Once you realize your life is worth MORE than being a clown in one's performance.

You'll exit the show.

 

Lion Heart