I'm [19/m] and my girlfriend [18/f] broke up with me because we fight too much! What

[okidok]

So two weeks ago, my girlfriend of 9 months broke up with me. Our relationship was perfect 90% of the time, we were inseparable and really in love (like any madly in love couple would say). However, the leftover 10% we would fight, badly. It would always end in her crying and me being extremely frustrated. The worst part about it was for no reason whatsoever, just emotional overflow being let out on each other.

 

We always promised each other to change, but it's easier said than done. The fights got more frequent (once every couple of days) towards the ends. This was right after I had a bad car crash. The day she broke up with me everything was sort of fine... We were making plans for the weekend that morning, but decided not to follow through with that because her mom had been getting aggressive towards her every time she mentioned me (mom didn't like seeing her daughter getting hurt, which I get). We agreed to letting emotions of her parents and us cool off, but I had a panic attack later that afternoon, causing me to text her something irrational (nothing insulting, but pretty much telling her she doesn't listen to my feelings enough).

 

She called late that evening, saying she can't take it anymore and it's over. I acted hysterically, crying and begging in front of her (something I have never done). The fear of losing her got to me. We then ignored each other for a week as she was gone on a trip, but I talked to her the following Monday. I begged for her to come back, but she said I should have realized my issues earlier (I was diagnosed with anxiety after break up, pretty much the reason I would act irrationally) and she can't forget what happened. Later that week I spoke to her again, only to get the same response.

 

She said that things went too far and things can never be the same again. Also, she said she loved me still, but doesn't want to love me anymore. And, she thinks I can change, but when I change, it's going to be too late Ouch. I left it by saying I think she made a mistake in letting me go (Not what I should have said, I know) and I am now not going to approach her anytime soon. Is there any hope? Should I just wait for things to cool down? Is what she said only something she said because I was acting needy/ in the heat of the moment? Will giving her time perhaps benefit my attempt to start over? I have been seeing a therapist to get help for my anxiety, since I want to improve myself. Not necessarily for her, but for any future relationships (work, friends, family etc.).

 

I want to get her back and show her we can have the fun times, even without fights. Also, how do I prove to her that I have changed, so that she actually believes it?

Edited September 30, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
added paragraphs ~6

[benpom]

So two weeks ago, my girlfriend of 9 months broke up with me. Our relationship was perfect 90% of the time, we were inseparable and really in love (like any madly in love couple would say). However, the leftover 10% we would fight, badly. It would always end in her crying and me being extremely frustrated. The worst part about it was for no reason whatsoever, just emotional overflow being let out on each other.

 

We always promised each other to change, but it's easier said than done. The fights got more frequent (once every couple of days) towards the ends. This was right after I had a bad car crash. The day she broke up with me everything was sort of fine... We were making plans for the weekend that morning, but decided not to follow through with that because her mom had been getting aggressive towards her every time she mentioned me (mom didn't like seeing her daughter getting hurt, which I get). We agreed to letting emotions of her parents and us cool off, but I had a panic attack later that afternoon, causing me to text her something irrational (nothing insulting, but pretty much telling her she doesn't listen to my feelings enough).

 

She called late that evening, saying she can't take it anymore and it's over. I acted hysterically, crying and begging in front of her (something I have never done). The fear of losing her got to me. We then ignored each other for a week as she was gone on a trip, but I talked to her the following Monday. I begged for her to come back, but she said I should have realized my issues earlier (I was diagnosed with anxiety after break up, pretty much the reason I would act irrationally) and she can't forget what happened. Later that week I spoke to her again, only to get the same response.

 

She said that things went too far and things can never be the same again. Also, she said she loved me still, but doesn't want to love me anymore. And, she thinks I can change, but when I change, it's going to be too late Ouch. I left it by saying I think she made a mistake in letting me go (Not what I should have said, I know) and I am now not going to approach her anytime soon. Is there any hope? Should I just wait for things to cool down? Is what she said only something she said because I was acting needy/ in the heat of the moment? Will giving her time perhaps benefit my attempt to start over? I have been seeing a therapist to get help for my anxiety, since I want to improve myself. Not necessarily for her, but for any future relationships (work, friends, family etc.).

 

I want to get her back and show her we can have the fun times, even without fights. Also, how do I prove to her that I have changed, so that she actually believes it?

 

Isn't anxiety part of human nature? Just like happiness and sadness? If your anxiety is excessive, it's probably not a problem.

 

Good luck!

[basil67]

It takes two to fight. You may be able to make all the changes in the world, but if she doesn't also change nothing will really be solved.

 

What kind of things were you fighting over? Were they different things all the time or the same problem over and over? Is it possible that the two of you were actually incompatible?

[DarrenB]

It's s*** man. Our actions and words we say and do to one another is perceived differently by our other half, to how it views from our behalf.

 

I to had this. Fairly often in the last few months of my most recent R/S. Normally it's just a common debate you feel, which turns into an argument, which turns into something more severe and ends up in more irrational emotions to be developed between the two of you. You are more than right, the balance between the good times and the bad evens out more to the positive side, but we as humans can only take so much before it becomes unbearable to deal with.

 

She has reached that climax. She's decided the R/S you both had was not good in the end, not worth the hurt and struggle you both had to endure through the hard times. I know how you feel. It's not completely your fault, if at all. We all handle things differently, handle stress and angst on various levels to someone else. Please, don't ever feel that she made this decision to be spiteful. I am almost certain it has been a hard decision for her but she has to go with what makes her happy.

 

Now, as it goes for rekindling your love together, if it is possible. You will have to give her time, give yourself time. I'm not talking a day, a few days, a week, even a month. I'm talking enough time where you don't feel the emotion you did at the start of the B/U. Showing change and proving change is a process which needs to be addressed by you and only you. Giving the impression that you still have so many built in emotions whilst undergoing this (which by the way, is completely normal), it will not make it easier for you. You need to understand the route of the problem/s you had, as individuals and as a couple. You need to realise what went wrong as well as what went right; how to avoid the common mishaps in relationships. Do not plead, do not beg anymore. This will not make her anymore willing to work things out with you, it'll be the complete opposite.

 

There's not much you can do, really at the minute. Anything that involves her or anyone related to her will only aggravate the situation further and make it more distant of trying to get her back. If you really want her back, you will have to respect the fact she needs time, she needs to do things that don't involve you, for the better and for her sake as well as yours. However, I would not put all your hope into reconciling with her. I've had this hope with my own situation for more than 50 days now, and I can tell you it looks more bleak as the days progress. Do not put yourself in this situation; you want to strengthen yourself, not break yourself into further, deep sadness.

 

Most importantly, don't just change for her. Don't just change for the R/S or hope of getting her back. Change for yourself as well as anyone. Because if things do not work out in the end, you will still have something to build a foundation of off and apply into future reference into a completely new R/S.

 

Best of luck

[NTV]

Dude you're 19. Learn what you can from this and move on. You have to have other options. Take your 2 weeks to get over it and then look around. She's probably already got a new dude on the hook.

[okidok]

Darren,

 

thanks for your answer! It was very insightful and I agree with everything you have said. Just one question, do you think writing her a letter (not full of emotions) apologizing for my mistakes, telling what I need to change, and how I am changing them would be beneficial? I would also make sure to mention that I miss our friendship, rather than the relationship.

[DarrenB]

Darren,

 

thanks for your answer! It was very insightful and I agree with everything you have said. Just one question, do you think writing her a letter (not full of emotions) apologizing for my mistakes, telling what I need to change, and how I am changing them would be beneficial? I would also make sure to mention that I miss our friendship, rather than the relationship.

 

Hey, no problem.

 

If you want an honest opinion, I would say write her a letter... but do not actually send it. The concept of writing the letter, to simply vent out how you feel on paper is a better option than actually writing one out and then sending/giving it to her. For someone to write out a letter in regards to their feelings, and then sending it to the recipient will trigger alot of emotional responses. Worse yet, you might just get completely ignored and she'll neglect it. Whether it was an abrupt B/U or not, it's not really something the OP wants to hear. They especially do not want to hear about 'how much you plan to change' or 'apologizing for things that that happened during it'. Trust me on this, they do not want to hear it; it's something you should have been doing and changing during your time together, not after it has ended. It's perceived to them simply as a manipulating or desperate attempt for reconciliation. Definitely will not help. Maybe send a letter to her, if you still feel this way in say a couple months or so, or if you feel as if you have changed and that you want to tell her that. But I myself and I'm sure many others can agree that it's not a viable asset to help you. I am completely against giving someone the satisfaction they do not deserve. In this case, for them it's the fact of knowing that you still think of them. Out of presence, out of mind. Out of present, out of future.

 

I think, simply letting her be, letting yourself change w/o her having to know, is probably the best option. If she randomly comes across you, or feels the need to address you or notice you, and she realizes then kudos to you. But don't try to make it, in fact don't make it at all completely obvious and evident towards her. The things that you would have personally written in a letter to her... think of it this way: Re-read what you have written, and apply it in your own mind, rather than trying to make her understand.

 

Emotions run wild, especially after a B/U of any sort. Simply giving it time, is your main healing process here.

Edited October 2, 2016 by DarrenB