Our Relationship is finally better after 2 years but I don't know how to maintain?

[gozdetak]

Before saying what my problem is I should give some information about our relationship and him. I met this guy 3.5 years ago, and I have been in this relationship for 2 years, but there are several break ups which last 1-2 months.

 

He is very different than other guys that I've known so far. When I met him, he was in depression and he still in depression but he feels know better. He goes to psychiatrist regularly and takes some pills every day. He has bipolar disorder. However, he is much happier and better now. He doesn't talk about pessimistic topics anymore and feels much better thanks to treatment.

 

When it is started, I was so unhappy but I also couldn't finish the relationship. I tried several times but it started again and again. The last time I left him, I said that I cannot maintain this anymore, it makes me unhappy. And I don't want a relationship that is unclear. He respected to my decision but after one week, he texted me. He said that I miss you, one way or another I'm gonna change because I feel the absence of you in my life. You fell in love with me, but I cannot love someone easily. I said that how do you love me, as a friend or what? He said I am not sure. Really. I am very honest because I give value to you. One day I can love you too but it is not certain. If it will not happen we will be very good friends for a lifetime (I don't wanna think this possibility..). And he added I am really gonna try. And after that our relationship is changed. The time when our relationship was started and now is very different. Before he didn't care of me and he gave almost no value. He was unhappy and he could not forget his ex-girlfriend. However, even though no one else can endure this kind of a relationship, I was always with him and I gave all of me, because I fell in love with him and I've never love someone like this and I don't want a life if he is not with me. Anyway. After some time, he began to love me (not like me but better than before), he began to see my value and also my love. We began to see each other more. We see each other at least once a week and texting each other each day. And this change is very new (one month)

 

Now, actually he changed but it is so new, and I have fear that it will return to old days. And even though he changed I am still not so happy, because I can feel his love but it is not it suppossed to be. Yesterday, I saw his emails that are sended to his ex girl friend 3 years ago. His girlfriend was in France and they were communicating with e-mails. I saw that he really loved her, he expressed his feelings so cleary, I saw that there is no problem with him to chase a girl, but he has to try to love me.

 

My concerns are these. I was so patient (actually still) and I saw the progress, but I am not sure if it will be better. And I said that this last change is so new, and I have fears that it will continue or not. Our current relationship is good for now but I can feel that it cannot continue like that. If it will be a healthy relationship, he should make more investments. I don't know how to make this better, and I don't want to leave him. If someone gives me some advice or want to share something about my situation, I will be glad. Thank you for reading this, it is very important for me.

[BluesPower]

It is very difficult to be in a LTR with someone who is bi-polar. My wife is and let me tell you, it can be pure hell.

 

If you really love this guy and you want to be with them, just prepare yourself.

 

I you are wondering, then maybe it is better to get out. Or at the very least don't get your hopes up.

[gozdetak]

It is very difficult to be in a LTR with someone who is bi-polar. My wife is and let me tell you, it can be pure hell.

 

If you really love this guy and you want to be with them, just prepare yourself.

 

I you are wondering, then maybe it is better to get out. Or at the very least don't get your hopes up.

 

Thank you for your comment. I've never met someone whose partner is also bi-polar. Does your wife take treatment and use drugs to get better? And I wonder what kind of problems you face in your relationship, so I can make some inferences about mine (is it because his disease or because of me). I don't want to dream big but his current situation is better after his treatment. And I saw that when he gets better, our relationship also becomes better.

[BluesPower]

OK, here you go...

 

Their are several things that get called bi-polar and other names. You really have to look that up on the internet. But it takes a good doc to really diagnose what type he actually has. There is just chronic depression, bi-polar, bi-polar II, Manic depression (which is actually just bi-polar).

 

So getting the proper diagnosis is critical. Here is one thing to watch out for: Some people present as just chronically depressed, OK, so you put them on an anti-depressant, cool. If in fact, those people are manic depressive or bi-polar, what happens is that they get better for 2 to 5 weeks and they keep on going. Then they will enter the manic stage and do some crazy stuff. Such as, wild spending, grandiose proclamations, grandiose decisions, strange behavior, the list goes on.

 

So when he starts to get on med you have to monitor his behavior and to be aware of any drastic changes in his mood or behavior.

 

However, once the proper combination of meds is realized the person can function normally for the most part.

 

All of this stuff is something that he has to be aware of as well. If you are going to stay together, the you both have to gain some knowledge about all the types and signs of different depression syndromes.

 

Do your research and good luck...

[Downtown]

Gozdetak, based on experience with my bipolar-1 foster son, I agree with everything BluesPower said. You may also benefit from the knowledge of John McManamy, a mental health journalist. He wrote the 2006 book, Living Well with Depression and Bipolar Disorder: What Your Doctor Doesn’t Tell You That You Need to Know. McManamy writes:

Clinicians cite high success rates for treating bipolar disorder, as high as 80 percent. Findings from the Stanley Bipolar Network, based on surveys of outpatients at participating clinics, however, paint a far different picture: Only a third of the patients in that particular study were currently married. Another third were single, and the rest were separated, divorced, or widowed. Despite the fact that approximately 90 percent had high school diplomas and a third had completed college, almost 65 percent were unemployed and 40 percent were on welfare or disability. Admittedly, the individuals surveyed represented a population of struggling patients, but other studies corroborate these findings.

 

What is going on? Why the apparent disconnect between

so

-called treatment success rates and reality? Time for a word lesson:

Response

is a term commonly used to measure the success (or failure) of a clinical drug trial. Response means a 50 percent or more reduction in symptoms. A clinical trial is deemed to be successful if 50 percent of the people taking the test drug experience a 50 percent reduction in symptoms. But can we truly regard a 50 percent improvement as successful treatment? (From

"Recovery Is a Journey"

at Healthcentral.)

Another thing to consider is that, if your BF has suffered a bipolar episode in the past year, there is a 50% chance he also suffers from full-blown BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which cannot be treated with medication. Specifically, the chance of BPD is 54% for bipolar-1 and 47% for bipolar-2. See Table 2 at 2008 Study in JCP. Based on my experience with my BPDer exW and my bipolar-1 foster son, I describe the differences I've seen in those two types of behavior at 12 BPD/Bipolar Differences. If any of those behavioral symptoms ring some bells, I would be glad to join BluesPower in discussing them with you.

[BluesPower]

Really good info...

 

So your x was a borderline? That is tough.