Being called MM's "toy"

[Southern Sun]

I had an affair with my boss that's been over for some time. However I was just reflecting on something that happened in a business situation and I guess I was hoping for some feedback.

 

When we were still working together, and still in the affair (though on and off), we were at an evening function and ran into a colleague. This was a man who did work for our company as a consultant, but who was also a longtime friend of MM's.

 

When we all saw each other, the man exclaimed, "Oh, (MM's name), you brought your toy!" Referring to me. He said it loudly, with me standing right there. It was not intended to be a side or whispered comment.

 

We all kind of laughed it off as we shook hands and moved on. MM looked at me and said, "Don't you know by now what everyone thinks of you?" I think he intended it as some sort of compliment but now I'm wondering if he was covering something up.

 

Later, I was blind copied on an apology email from that man and a reply from MM.

 

Why would he call me MM's toy? I am suddenly wondering if that man new about the affair. Or even if MM had told him and under the influence of a few drinks, he let it slip. Or perhaps he just suspected the affair.

 

Is it at all possible that a man would use that terminology in the context of a woman he just thought was attractive???

 

This was a business situation and I was a colleague. He only knew me as a professional. As I remember this, I am now suspicious about why he said what he did.

 

None of this really matters now as I no longer work there. It just hit me and I wondered...

[Midwestmissy]

It's degrading gross and unprofessional. How insulting. Toys aren't equated with professional acumen, they're disposable and replaceable, you get bored with them and move on. I'd have been furious. It amazes me what woman (me included) tolerate. Sorry that happened.

[JewelD]

He said that because that's how your MM referred to you. If they're long time friends, of course he told him. You wouldn't call a woman a 'toy' just because she's attractive. Especially when you were on the arm of a married man.

 

The guy probably apologized because MM got on his ass about being so vocal about the situation in front of other people.

[Satu]

From your affair partner's perspective, you probably were his toy.

 

It seems highly likely that he referred to you as such.

 

 

Take care.

[Methodical]

No professional colleague/consultant would refer to another professional staff member as a toy unless he had inside knowledge of the affair. Even if he suspected more than a professional relationship, he wouldn't be so bold as to voice it aloud unless he was inept and ignorant. His remark was degrading and insulting. Good thing you have cut ties and have no affiliation with that company anymore.

[elaine567]

 

When we all saw each other, the man exclaimed, "Oh, (MM's name), you brought your toy!" Referring to me. He said it loudly, with me standing right there. It was not intended to be a side or whispered comment.

 

We all kind of laughed it off as we shook hands and moved on. MM looked at me and said, "Don't you know by now what everyone thinks of you?" I think he intended it as some sort of compliment but now I'm wondering if he was covering something up.

 

Of course he knew and it was a sexist joke intended to downgrade you as he probably had no respect for you whatsoever.

 

I guess he was used to referring to you as "the toy" in conversations with your MM and it just slipped out, or he was trying to make a point maybe. He perhaps was not too amused the MM was cheating on his wife with you or he was just a jerk and threw out a put down to make you feel uncomfortable, some men like to do that.

The fact your MM then said ""Don't you know by now what everyone thinks of you?"is not good either, as this was no compliment.

It sounds like a bit of a dig at you from your MM too, to tell the truth.

[road]

Many MM brag that they are banging some little sweet thing on the side.

 

 

You were participating in a relationship that society says is bad. Society is hypocritical though hypocrisy never will justify the original bad behavior - your affair.

 

 

There is an endless list of derogatory words that women that are WW, OW, AP are called. Because society does not respect such women.

 

 

So when MM's friend sees you and knows what you are doing he could not help himself to compliment his friend on banging some hottie on the side while using the same words to demean you at the same time.

 

 

Hit tow targets with one shot.

[Southern Sun]

It's degrading gross and unprofessional. How insulting. Toys aren't equated with professional acumen, they're disposable and replaceable, you get bored with them and move on. I'd have been furious. It amazes me what woman (me included) tolerate. Sorry that happened.

 

It is degrading. That same man who used me as his toy told me he loved me more than he had ever loved anyone. Of course, it was all ridiculous and disgusting, but I didn't see it then. I'm glad I can see more clearly now.

[Southern Sun]

He said that because that's how your MM referred to you. If they're long time friends, of course he told him. You wouldn't call a woman a 'toy' just because she's attractive. Especially when you were on the arm of a married man.

 

The guy probably apologized because MM got on his ass about being so vocal about the situation in front of other people.

 

This is exactly what I wondered - why would he used that term unless that had already been thrown around.

 

(I wasn't on MM's arm...I was legitimately at the work function. But I get it).

 

I wondered too if that apology was staged. Nice that he was able to BCC me (and MM spoke for me saying, of course she knows you meant no offense!).

[Southern Sun]

Of course he knew and it was a sexist joke intended to downgrade you as he probably had no respect for you whatsoever.

 

I guess he was used to referring to you as "the toy" in conversations with your MM and it just slipped out, or he was trying to make a point maybe. He perhaps was not too amused the MM was cheating on his wife with you or he was just a jerk and threw out a put down to make you feel uncomfortable, some men like to do that.

The fact your MM then said ""Don't you know by now what everyone thinks of you?"is not good either, as this was no compliment.

It sounds like a bit of a dig at you from your MM too, to tell the truth.

 

I don't think either man was looking at me with disgust and saying, ugh, that nasty toy.

 

But believe me, I don't take it as a compliment either. It's evident I was being discussed as MM's AP, in whatever disrespectful terms one might come up with. Although it was sort of like the man was giving MM a high-five and a wink, and MM was walking around like he's getting away with something and pretty pleased about it.

 

Gross.

[Southern Sun]

Many MM brag that they are banging some little sweet thing on the side.

 

 

You were participating in a relationship that society says is bad. Society is hypocritical though hypocrisy never will justify the original bad behavior - your affair.

 

 

There is an endless list of derogatory words that women that are WW, OW, AP are called. Because society does not respect such women.

 

 

So when MM's friend sees you and knows what you are doing he could not help himself to compliment his friend on banging some hottie on the side while using the same words to demean you at the same time.

 

 

Hit tow targets with one shot.

 

Wow. I think you are exactly right.

[aileD]

Cmon. You already know the answer.

 

Your MM was only in it for the sex and he was bragging about his "toy" to his colleagues.

 

There's no other way to spin it, sweetie.

 

You were used and bragged about like a piece of meat. Your mm was a pig. (Am I allowed to say that?)

[malvern99]

When we all saw each other, the man exclaimed, "Oh, (MM's name), you brought your toy!" Referring to me. He said it loudly, with me standing right there. It was not intended to be a side or whispered comment.

 

We all kind of laughed it off as we shook hands and moved on. MM looked at me and said, "Don't you know by now what everyone thinks of you?" I think he intended it as some sort of compliment but now I'm wondering if he was covering something up.

 

I agree with others who say this is likely how MM and his friend talked about you behind your back, and it just slipped out in the moment. It also shows how much (or little) respect MM and his friend had for you. If MM had any respect for you, he would not let a comment like that slide. He would have demanded an apology on the spot.

 

I think you misinterpreted what MM was saying to you. He was essentially reaffirming what his friend had said. It's a good thing you moved on from him.

[MoonshineGirl1990]

Its concerning to me that at that time you considered that a compliment. did that involve some heavy mental gymnastics on your part? Or were you maybe just so "foggy" with the affair that you werent thinking clearly?

 

LIke everyone has said, you MM obviously called you his "toy" privately to this friend/colleague, and thats why he addressed you that way. Then MM tried to play it off, and at the same time keep you down, by saying thats what everyone thinks about you. Then after some thought felt bad and orchestrated the apology probably.

 

There is nothing worse a woman can do for her career than sleep with married men in the workplace. It ALWAYS affects the woman more detrimentally than the man. At the time you probably feel you are moving up the ladder, and getting inside scoop, and that everyone envies your closeness with men in the office....but thats not what others think at all.

 

This is almost uncomfortable to read. Hope you are in better place.

[Southern Sun]

Its concerning to me that at that time you considered that a compliment. did that involve some heavy mental gymnastics on your part? Or were you maybe just so "foggy" with the affair that you werent thinking clearly?

 

LIke everyone has said, you MM obviously called you his "toy" privately to this friend/colleague, and thats why he addressed you that way. Then MM tried to play it off, and at the same time keep you down, by saying thats what everyone thinks about you. Then after some thought felt bad and orchestrated the apology probably.

 

There is nothing worse a woman can do for her career than sleep with married men in the workplace. It ALWAYS affects the woman more detrimentally than the man. At the time you probably feel you are moving up the ladder, and getting inside scoop, and that everyone envies your closeness with men in the office....but thats not what others think at all.

 

This is almost uncomfortable to read. Hope you are in better place.

 

Well, I do think I was pretty messed up at the time. But don't misunderstand - I don't consider it a compliment.

 

I think MM believed I would receive his comment as a compliment, in sort of false flattery kind of way. He was at least as messed up as I was and thought the whole thing was "hot." Believe me, I see it for what it is NOW.

 

I wasn't trying to use the affair as a way to move up the ladder. There was no ladder. Small company. Very small. But it did cost me my job.

 

A friend IRL believes that MM wouldn't have talked about it, but that this man just commented on the obvious. It all sucks. It's shameful and humiliating and I regret it all.

[NTV]

A lot of people married and single want toys. A lot of people want to be toys. If my wife wanted to use me like a toy every now and then I won't be offended.

 

Truthfully I don't think this was intended as an insult to you as much as it was a potshot at your old boss. He didn't sound like he had any real reason to insult or degrade you but you have plenty of reason to poke at his old buddy.

 

If you're embarrassed and ashamed that you are a married man's toy, that's understandable... but you and I both know you went into it with your eyes open. Whether you regret that relationship or not you should learn from it.

 

The question becomes what did you learn? ( that you can share here to help others.)

[stillafool]

He said that because that's how your MM referred to you. If they're long time friends, of course he told him. You wouldn't call a woman a 'toy' just because she's attractive. Especially when you were on the arm of a married man.

 

The guy probably apologized because MM got on his ass about being so vocal about the situation in front of other people.

 

I agree. At some point MM referred to you as his toy in front of this man so he felt it was okay to say this. Or, perhaps the man had met MMs wife and knew you could only be a toy to MM. Or, maybe that man has a toy of his own. I hope you realize how little respect MM has for you as well as this OM. If I were you I wouldn't have smiled I would have walked off and MM would never seen me again. Please find your self respect and move on to a single man who will respect you.

[MoonshineGirl1990]

A lot of people married and single want toys. A lot of people want to be toys. If my wife wanted to use me like a toy every now and then I won't be offended.

 

TNV, I agree and love it when my husband uses me as his toy. However that is a different situation.

 

If you read OP post, even now she cant seem to cognitively grasp that her MM could have openly referred to her as a "toy" to his friend. Her thoughts are that maybe he was drunk and accidentally let it slip he was in an Affair. Its like, her vision of MM is so tainted it doesnt occur to her that he openly would have called her that and told his friends their secret.

 

That is what is discerning as well.

[Marc878]

You were the brunt of locker room talk.

 

He was bragging about his conquest.

 

Sorry but that's the position you put yourself in.

[Southern Sun]

TNV, I agree and love it when my husband uses me as his toy. However that is a different situation.

 

If you read OP post, even now she cant seem to cognitively grasp that her MM could have openly referred to her as a "toy" to his friend. Her thoughts are that maybe he was drunk and accidentally let it slip he was in an Affair. Its like, her vision of MM is so tainted it doesnt occur to her that he openly would have called her that and told his friends their secret.

 

That is what is discerning as well.

 

I was referring to the possibility that MM's friend was over-served and he said something he normally wouldn't have...not that MM would have never spoken about me like that. Unfortunately, I have further evidence to the contrary.

 

Some time later, after D Day and I was no longer working there, MM blind copied me on another email between him and a mutual friend of ours. He was a work friend and we saw him in professional settings, but he was known by both of us for more than a decade. This man and MM were certainly closer than the man and I were.

 

There was some commentary regarding my departure and, in what "appeared" to be an effort to end the email on a light note, MM said, "She still has a nice set of jugs."

 

I was appalled. Hurt. And blown away that he would copy me on that email. As if I would like to see it? His emotional intelligence is below zero. My self-esteem was completely destroyed by that relationship, but I know I put myself there.

 

In my everyday life, I am a strong person. Kind, conscientious, non-judgmental, concerned for the rights of others. I can't stand to see someone mistreated. I am hardworking, respectful, smart, observant. But I did allow myself to be used. Why? I think it was small boundary violations over time that chipped away at me until I broke wide open. I was overly concerned for MM and his needs, even before the affair. I took on the role of his caretaker. It became a source of self-esteem for me I suppose. It apparently took on more importance than other things in my life. And it grew and grew until...he saw his opportunity and took it.

 

Eventually I had given myself over to the point that he held me in his hand. I didn't even stay mad about the jugs comment. The toy thing only made me flinch for a second. I am only now getting back to myself.

 

Affairs are soul-destroying relationships.

[ShatteredLady]

That's horribly degrading!

 

I agree with the members who have posted on your thread. I'm stuck for any other meaning of "toy" & your MM comment?!??!? Please tell me how you spun that in your head to be a compliment?

 

I worked in a VERY male dominated industry. I've had the 'pleasure ' of hearing some of the locker room repulsive rubbish these guys spew. My interpretation? The 'friend' was offended that MM would bring his "toy" out in public with people who know he's married.

[ShatteredLady]

I didn't mean that to sound snippy. I'm genuinely interested to know what you thought that interaction meant?? How could it be a compliment?

[DKT3]

I've told you since you stated posting here the guy thought very little of you, I think you wanted to believe you meant more, and still today it appears to carry too much weight.

 

How is your marriage coming along? Positive I hope

[Marc878]

You like most were nothing more than a side piece to your MM. Look There were no romantic dreams for MM here.

 

I suspect everyone close to your MM knows the intimate details of the affair as told by him. Your the girl known for "putting out on the side". Other man got great bragging rites at your expense.

 

It's surprising that you haven't figured this out before now.

 

I'm sorry but you like many were had. Once that definition gets imprinted it never changes at least for the people who were in the know.

 

You've reaped what you sewed.

[Marc878]

The thing you need to understand now is just how much of a low life POS MM is.

 

No decent guy I know would ever talk about or discuss any woman like that.

 

It's beyond degrading and coarse. Nothing you can do now but file that for your future references