Being called MM's "toy"

[sandylee1]

I don't necessarily think your EXMM used the word 'toy' to describe you to his friend. But he probably did tell him you and him had a thing going on and how much he enjoyed it ... it was hot ... you were fun ..... great in the sack etc.

 

I'd say his mate decided to use the word toy following that. He'd been told that MM has fun with you ... as one would with a toy. So that's what he decided to refer to you as.

 

Not a complement one little bit.

[BenchCoach]

I briefly skimmed over your prior thread/posts. Seems like its been awhile since the affair... why is this bothering you now. Do you still have contact with this MM?

 

I might've missed it, but are you still working on your marriage? Does your husband know you had an affair?

 

 

I ask because there seems to be some residual feelings you haven't reconciled with in regards to this horrible decision of yours to have engaged in this affair.

[oldshirt]

That guy was probably editing his response since you were standing right there.

 

The actual term your MM probably used to describe you to him was "f¥<k toy."

[Marc878]

I don't necessarily think your EXMM used the word 'toy' to describe you to his friend. But he probably did tell him you and him had a thing going on and how much he enjoyed it ... it was hot ... you were fun ..... great in the sack etc.

 

I'd say his mate decided to use the word toy following that. He'd been told that MM has fun with you ... as one would with a toy. So that's what he decided to refer to you as.

 

Not a complement one little bit.

 

I would bet you are totally wrong on this. The MM probably used Much more vulgar terminology if his confidant used the word toy. Not the other way around.

 

I've seen the types. Pretty disgusting. Reporting their OW's performance, what acts they are willing to perform, down to the type of noise they make.

 

Don't be naive about a player. They aren't there just for the sex it's the thrills too and bragging rites are up there on the list.

[Southern Sun]

I briefly skimmed over your prior thread/posts. Seems like its been awhile since the affair... why is this bothering you now. Do you still have contact with this MM?

 

I might've missed it, but are you still working on your marriage? Does your husband know you had an affair?

 

 

I ask because there seems to be some residual feelings you haven't reconciled with in regards to this horrible decision of yours to have engaged in this affair.

 

The affair is long over and there is no contact, hasn't been for a long time. MM has made a couple of attempts, to no avail. My husband knows everything and we are working on our M. It's been very hard, as you might imagine.

 

Yes, it was a horrible decision. And yes, I'm sure there are residual feelings, but not because I miss the affair. It's been the worst experience of my life, and my husband's life. Every now and then a memory like this will pop up and I process it. It helps me to add to the pile of garbage that reminds me of the truth about who MM really was and is.

[Southern Sun]

I've told you since you stated posting here the guy thought very little of you, I think you wanted to believe you meant more, and still today it appears to carry too much weight.

 

How is your marriage coming along? Positive I hope

 

Of course I wanted to believe I meant more. I didn't want to think I had put my entire world at risk to be used as someone's "toy." It's shameful and upsetting. It's already bad enough that I was willing do drop all my morals for "love."

 

My marriage is getting there...doing better...one day at a time.

[malvern99]

So... do you have a nice set of jugs?

 

NTV... asking the important questions I see . Just kidding, and I hope you were too.

[NTV]

NTV... asking the important questions I see . Just kidding, and I hope you were too.

 

Yup! Snark knows no boundaries. Lol

[NTV]

NTV... asking the important questions I see . Just kidding, and I hope you were too.

 

Lol although I was tempted to say I was serious just to see if Marc would say I am indecent lol or ungentlemanly. Not that either is inaccurate. I can neither confirm nor deny that lol.

[Marc878]

Lol although I was tempted to say I was serious just to see if Marc would say I am indecent lol or ungentlemanly. Not that either is inaccurate. I can neither confirm nor deny that lol.

 

Ha, I got the humor.

[Redhead14]

I had an affair with my boss that's been over for some time. However I was just reflecting on something that happened in a business situation and I guess I was hoping for some feedback.

 

When we were still working together, and still in the affair (though on and off), we were at an evening function and ran into a colleague. This was a man who did work for our company as a consultant, but who was also a longtime friend of MM's.

 

When we all saw each other, the man exclaimed, "Oh, (MM's name), you brought your toy!" Referring to me. He said it loudly, with me standing right there. It was not intended to be a side or whispered comment.

 

We all kind of laughed it off as we shook hands and moved on. MM looked at me and said, "Don't you know by now what everyone thinks of you?" I think he intended it as some sort of compliment but now I'm wondering if he was covering something up.

 

Later, I was blind copied on an apology email from that man and a reply from MM.

 

Why would he call me MM's toy? I am suddenly wondering if that man new about the affair. Or even if MM had told him and under the influence of a few drinks, he let it slip. Or perhaps he just suspected the affair.

 

Is it at all possible that a man would use that terminology in the context of a woman he just thought was attractive???

 

This was a business situation and I was a colleague. He only knew me as a professional. As I remember this, I am now suspicious about why he said what he did.

 

None of this really matters now as I no longer work there. It just hit me and I wondered...

 

Your boss called you that at some point with that co-worker . . . technically, I think that man thought it would be a "private" joke . . . nevertheless, it was completely inappropriate. Your boss probably got in that guy's ear later -- "wtf, dude? I don't need **** from her now and I guess I can't talk to you"

 

Your boss is a douche and his apology email is just damage control. Never poop where you eat and don't trust the hand that feeds you to clean up that poop for you. It just gets smeared around.

[Marc878]

Yes, it was a horrible decision. And yes, I'm sure there are residual feelings, but not because I miss the affair. It's been the worst experience of my life, and my husband's life. Every now and then a memory like this will pop up and I process it. It helps me to add to the pile of garbage that reminds me of the truth about who MM really was and is.

 

Just because you made a bad decision/choice doesn't make you a bad person. Move forward learn from this and never let it define who you are.

 

Your H is still beside you which says a lot. Many would have left. Which says there has to be a lot of good there for him to stay.

[Poppy47]

You said you worked in a very small business.

 

It doesn't take long for word to get around that something is going on between two people. You think you are being careful but nobody is invisible.

 

Maybe this man had a big mouth and was just saying what everybody else was thinking.

 

Poppy.

[Southern Sun]

You said you worked in a very small business.

 

It doesn't take long for word to get around that something is going on between two people. You think you are being careful but nobody is invisible.

 

Maybe this man had a big mouth and was just saying what everybody else was thinking.

 

Poppy.

 

This man was a consultant, not a coworker, and I had only been around him on a couple of occasions prior to that night. It would be highly unlikely for him to have been able to develop an opinion from direct observation.

 

Amazing how much more flack the woman gets in these situations. MM has never owned up to what he did and likely never will. I am trying to make things right.

[Southern Sun]

I didn't mean that to sound snippy. I'm genuinely interested to know what you thought that interaction meant?? How could it be a compliment?

 

I've been trying to dig deep to give you a good answer on this.

 

I obviously know it's not a compliment. At the time, I was shocked that the man said it. I did not assume at all that MM had told him about the affair or called me a toy or anything. What I thought was, the man stuck his foot in his mouth by saying, hey, you brought your hot employee, lucky dog! It was wrong on so many levels, but all I worried about was MM.

 

I was very wrapped up in the affair then and MM had me by the nose. I was pretty broken. Any little breadcrumb gave me life. So when I saw that it gave MM some pleasure to be seen with me, that it seemed he liked others envying him because of me, it gave me a boost. A morsel. Something.

 

I believe MM got off on other people suspecting we were having an affair. He liked walking that line. And in my twisted thinking, that made me feel good. Because that must mean he didn't want to hide me. He was "proud."

 

It's all very messed up. I'm just trying to go back and remember how I felt then and I think this is pretty close to the truth. Such ego - ego stroking and ego needs. Arrogance and insecurity all bound up together.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Southern Sun, am not on LS much so can't recall your other threads but in this one you definitely come across as a thoughtful and worthwhile person, whereas your exMM does sound pretty crass and low class. Lucky you to have gotten away from him.

 

I'm with sandylee in believing the friend's reference to you as a toy doesn't necessarily mean your exMM had spoken of you in those terms, though it could have been so. No one on this thread knows for certain your exMM had referred to you that way. The "friend" may have been just trying to be cute and missed the boat on that one.

[whichwayisup]

I had an affair with my boss that's been over for some time. However I was just reflecting on something that happened in a business situation and I guess I was hoping for some feedback.

 

When we were still working together, and still in the affair (though on and off), we were at an evening function and ran into a colleague. This was a man who did work for our company as a consultant, but who was also a longtime friend of MM's.

 

When we all saw each other, the man exclaimed, "Oh, (MM's name), you brought your toy!" Referring to me. He said it loudly, with me standing right there. It was not intended to be a side or whispered comment.

 

We all kind of laughed it off as we shook hands and moved on. MM looked at me and said, "Don't you know by now what everyone thinks of you?" I think he intended it as some sort of compliment but now I'm wondering if he was covering something up.

 

Later, I was blind copied on an apology email from that man and a reply from MM.

 

Why would he call me MM's toy? I am suddenly wondering if that man new about the affair. Or even if MM had told him and under the influence of a few drinks, he let it slip. Or perhaps he just suspected the affair.

 

Is it at all possible that a man would use that terminology in the context of a woman he just thought was attractive???

 

This was a business situation and I was a colleague. He only knew me as a professional. As I remember this, I am now suspicious about why he said what he did.

 

None of this really matters now as I no longer work there. It just hit me and I wondered...

 

It meant MM spoke about you to him and chances are there was gossip that you had no idea what was said behind your back. A reputation and not a good one.

[BenchCoach]

I'm with sandylee in believing the friend's reference to you as a toy doesn't necessarily mean your exMM had spoken of you in those terms, though it could have been so.

 

I beg to differ.

 

After the incident where the OP was referred to as a "toy," MM Bcc her an email message where he remarks- "she had a nice pair of jugs." now, given that statement- and the aforementioned "toy" referrence -do you actually believe he never referred to her in any more disparaging ways behind her back? i'm willing to bet my life that he was indeed bragging about having a sexual relationship with her. sorry, but you have to be pretty naive, NOT to believe he wasn't saying those things to other men in his circle.

 

 

That being said- what's done is done. It stings... I get it. You were in the so-called "fog" of the affair. What I'm getting at is, obviously you're not as far along as you'd hoped. You still want to believe that what you two had was "special." It wasn't. Hence, the affair is still taking head space.

Edited October 1, 2016 by BenchCoach

[Southern Sun]

I beg to differ.

 

After the incident where the OP was referred to as a "toy," MM Bcc her an email message where he remarks- "she had a nice pair of jugs." now, given that statement- and the aforementioned "toy" referrence -do you actually believe he never referred to her in any more disparaging ways behind her back? i'm willing to bet my life that he was indeed bragging about having a sexual relationship with her. sorry, but you have to be pretty naive, NOT to believe he wasn't saying those things to other men in his circle.

 

 

That being said- what's done is done. It stings... I get it. You were in the so-called "fog" of the affair. What I'm getting at is, obviously you're not as far along as you'd hoped. You still want to believe that what you two had was "special." It wasn't. Hence, the affair is still taking head space.

 

I'm not still living in denial that what we had was special. I believe I have stated so above. This memory, though, was jarring. I never really thought that MM may have talked about us to anyone. It would have been quite dangerous for him to have done so. He seemed to have two sides at war - the part that kind of liked the idea of people knowing, and the part that desperately needed to protect his image (civic and religious activist; philanthropist; successful entrepreneur; devoted family man).

 

Regardless of whether he talked about me, I know how he (and apparently others) probably thought of me. He deserves at least as bad as I got.

[sandylee1]

I would bet you are totally wrong on this. The MM probably used Much more vulgar terminology if his confidant used the word toy. Not the other way around.

 

I've seen the types. Pretty disgusting. Reporting their OW's performance, what acts they are willing to perform, down to the type of noise they make.

 

Don't be naive about a player. They aren't there just for the sex it's the thrills too and bragging rites are up there on the list.

 

It's possiblebut none of really know.

 

It's not difficult to jump to the conclusion of being 'a toy', without specifically using that description.

 

When the words hot, great fun and exciting are used by a MM who has no intention of leaving his wife and isn't declaring undying soulmate love for his OW, it's safe to assume she's just a bit of fun that can be used like a toy, but one that you'll eventually grow out of.

 

In fact I've said something similar to a male friend who wasn't serious about his GF and would cheat on her. I didn't say it in front of the GF, but I did ask if she was just his pokemate. Because his actions and treatment of her were terrible. Not how you'd treat someone you loved.

 

SS - you call him a lot of mean things, but you're both equally to blame. What makes him worse than you?

Edited October 1, 2016 by sandylee1
Addition

[Southern Sun]

It's possiblebut none of really know.

 

It's not difficult to jump to the conclusion of being 'a toy', without specifically using that description.

 

When the words hot, great fun and exciting are used by a MM who has no intention of leaving his wife and isn't declaring undying soulmate love for his OW, it's safe to assume she's just a bit of fun that can be used like a toy, but one that you'll eventually grow out of.

 

In fact I've said something similar to a male friend who wasn't serious about his GF and would cheat on her. I didn't say it in front of the GF, but I did ask if she was just his pokemate. Because his actions and treatment of her were terrible. Not how you'd treat someone you loved.

 

SS - you call him a lot of mean things, but you're both equally to blame. What makes him worse than you?

 

I don't know. I guess ultimately I am not his judge and jury.

 

I participated in the affair too, so I take just as much blame there. I just happen to know certain things - his previous affairs; his unwillingness to confess when confronted; his brazen requests to continue even after I've cut him off. The affair was completely wrong but I didn't have his motivations. I confessed. (I'm not patting myself on the back). I have a right to my opinion, however...I've been the first to say that I swam in the same mud.

 

People on here keep talking about the reputation I earned and deserved. I was just responding to some of those comments. Don't you think he should have earned one as well? Double standard but that's life. We see it here too.

[doble]

SS - you call him a lot of mean things, but you're both equally to blame. What makes him worse than you?

 

That in a nutshell says it all. SS while you are concerned about whether others knew about the A, and in all likelihood they did. You were a toy for MM, and received other disparaging remarks from him and colleagues. MM flaunted you in front of others, and you liked it.

 

You liked being MM's eye candy, you enjoyed his attention beyond what your unsuspecting BH gave you, and if others in the office referred to you as a toy, or nice jugs in public, you did nothing to quell it. Now suddenly humiliation at being the MM's toy? Okay. Look at your BH for real humiliation. So how is MM worse than you? The fact is he is not.

 

I hope your reconciliation continues, but know MM is not worse than you.

[SeenNotHeard]

That in a nutshell says it all. SS while you are concerned about whether others knew about the A, and in all likelihood they did. You were a toy for MM, and received other disparaging remarks from him and colleagues. MM flaunted you in front of others, and you liked it.

 

You liked being MM's eye candy, you enjoyed his attention beyond what your unsuspecting BH gave you, and if others in the office referred to you as a toy, or nice jugs in public, you did nothing to quell it. Now suddenly humiliation at being the MM's toy? Okay. Look at your BH for real humiliation. So how is MM worse than you? The fact is he is not.

 

I hope your reconciliation continues, but know MM is not worse than you.

 

I totally disagree. Just because of the societal construct. Guys in a general sense get high fived when they play the game, woman are shamed. He was a pig, I don't see the OP as a pig, nor a victim but in no way is this in the same arena. Both exhibited bad decision making and betraying their spouses.....but come on don't give this cruel degrading man a free pass.

[William]

Good morning folks,

 

I just approved a couple posts that resulted from moderation due to using prohibited language elsewhere so wish to remind members that, when discussing 'Being called MM's toy', use of prohibited and berating language to describe affair partners, members, or people in general, is disallowed here so please save yourself the moderation period by focusing on the topic and always using appropriate and respectful language.

 

For more information, please see this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/546209-policy-individual-group-bashing-berating

 

Thanks so much and have a pleasant morning and weekend!

[doble]

I totally disagree. Just because of the societal construct. Guys in a general sense get high fived when they play the game, woman are shamed. He was a pig, I don't see the OP as a pig, nor a victim but in no way is this in the same arena. Both exhibited bad decision making and betraying their spouses.....but come on don't give this cruel degrading man a free pass.

 

You are quite right about MM, 100%. He is what he is. But SS is just as culpable as MM. He is NOT worse than her. She went into the A willingly.

 

Her being referred to as a toy, or by her attributes is bull**** Not proper by any stretch. There is no free pass. She did nothing to quell the behavior, and admitted even liking it. As sad as the chauvinistic workplace is, from what I read it is equally sexist on the other end of the spectrum.

 

Truth is both are equally responsible, equally to blame, and equal in who is worse. Neither deserve a free pass.

 

SS is looking back and recognizing things that happened, she is doing the work. She is remorseful. She wonders if that's all she was, and feels for it. In all probability that is all she was to MM, and it hurts to be used, and it hurts to finally realize it, and what was almost destroyed, when you realize all you were was another person's plaything.

 

MM has probably found another "toy". AND NOW that makes him worse. SS is working to improve herself, help her BH, and become the safe wife, friend, lover he needs. She was granted a second chance. More power to her and her BH. It is good she can come here and get other perspectives.

 

SS, in the A you were equally worse. Now, it is different. Look to who you are now, let not the past define you, but let it guide you.

Edited October 1, 2016 by doble