Being called MM's "toy"

[sandylee1]

I don't know. I guess ultimately I am not his judge and jury.

 

his unwillingness to confess when confronted; his brazen requests to continue even after I've cut him off. The affair was completely wrong but I didn't have his motivations. I confessed. (I'm not patting myself on the back). I have a right to my opinion, however...I've been the first to say that I swam in the same mud.

 

People on here keep talking about the reputation I earned and deserved. I was just responding to some of those comments. Don't you think he should have earned one as well? Double standard but that's life. We see it here too.

 

He didn't want to confess because he was trying to save his behind. That's not particularly suprising from a cheater. Wrong. .. yes. But not suprising. Most cheaters will lie and gaslight till the end of time.

 

I'm sure among women he may have a reputation, but his male friends won't be phased by it. I agree that women get the worse deal from an affair. It's society. We're meant to be held to a higher moral standard. It's not fair, but it's life. The OW and the WW will always be seen as worse.

 

I'm not sure what you mean by motivations. His motivation seems like it was to have some fun outside his marriage. He probably had to dress it up to keep you coming back, but I think that's to be expected in an affair.

[BenchCoach]

I just happen to know certain things - his previous affairs; his unwillingness to confess when confronted; his brazen requests to continue even after I've cut him off.

 

this reeks of NARCISSISM. people with such characteristics use other people for their own personal amusement... and boy, are they braggarts. his whole world revolves on his achievements and conquests. you were one of the latter.

 

does your husband know that things like this about the affair still bother you? i don't know about you, but if he doesn't, you really should inform him. i don't know if you two still talk about "it", but total honesty and transparency is essential to recovering your marriage. might want to consider sharing this with him.

[Marc878]

The good thing is now you're seeing the whole picture which will help you.

[gettingstronger]

Toy? That's so ick and sexist-I have a good sense of humor, don't get rattled by off color jokes, give as good as I get-but I would punch anyone that called me a "toy"-

 

I am glad that in retrospect you see it for what it was- a shameful slam against you-

 

 

As for this

 

Is it at all possible that a man would use that terminology in the context of a woman he just thought was attractive???

 

I don't see how- there are a million other words that mean attractive-toy is not one of them-it means something else entirely-

Edited October 6, 2016 by gettingstronger

[Arieswoman]

aileD post #12

 

Your MM was only in it for the sex and he was bragging about his "toy" to his colleagues.

 

There's no other way to spin it, sweetie.

 

You were used and bragged about like a piece of meat. Your mm was a pig. (Am I allowed to say that?)

 

I would go along with this ^^^ and I am glad that you are no longer in this situation.

 

My WS cheated with a girl at work and some time after I divorced him I got info that he'd bragged about it at work.

One particular comment was that because both of us were giving him a hard time ( in his opinion) that " if it carries on like this I won't want either of them".

 

So it would appear, that to him, we were both expendable.

 

This confirmed to me that my decision to kick his sorry @r$e out was the right one.

[cocorico]

 

When we all saw each other, the man exclaimed, "Oh, (MM's name), you brought your toy!" Referring to me. He said it loudly, with me standing right there. It was not intended to be a side or whispered comment.

 

 

Wow! How unprofessional! If that had been me on the receiving end, that guy would never have worked again in that sector.

[Owl6118]

Southern Sun, I'd encourage you to take this as an opportunity to reflect more broadly.

 

For those of us who have shipwrecked ourselves, the work of remaking ourselves into people with integrity often involves exploring the flaws of perception which took root in us long ago, and began to color our thinking and drive our feelings long before we began making and rationalizing overt bad choices.

 

What you encountered here is a brutal and painful example, from late in the story, of how systematically your internal flaws of perception prevented you from seeing who he is, which is now, in painful retrospect, obvious. But rather than dwell on the specific incident, seek the pattern.

 

Maybe I am projecting, but I know for me, I have come to look back on my thoughts and feelings and I have seen a pattern of romanticization. Not romance in the flowers and wine sense, but romanticization. A need to see my internal life as more vivid, my relationships and feelings as deeper and somehow more valid, than those of others. Special, you know.

 

Maybe long before you let yourself nurture romantic flowers and sex thoughts for your boss, you were Romanticizing the connection. I remember in your foggy days how hard you clung to, how much you told us, about how you had valued your working partnership. It wasn't enough that it be what it was--a more than usually productive but limited relationship focused on work. It was an emotional thing defined by feelings of specialness which you invited and nurtured.

 

I think the takeaway here is to use this very painful insight about this incident to reexamine those feelings all the way back. Why did you need to take a good but mundane connection--a work partnership-- and romanticize it into something special--or more precisely, something that assured you that you were special when maybe you doubted you are.

 

I think for a lot of us it is some deep self-doubt under our external confidence that leads us to seek and nurture feelings of special in situations, and in people, that are not valid sources for such feelings. That's the source of the flaw in perception that leads us not to see clearly--right up until we wreck ourselves on the iceberg right in front of us.

[Southern Sun]

Southern Sun, I'd encourage you to take this as an opportunity to reflect more broadly.

 

For those of us who have shipwrecked ourselves, the work of remaking ourselves into people with integrity often involves exploring the flaws of perception which took root in us long ago, and began to color our thinking and drive our feelings long before we began making and rationalizing overt bad choices.

 

What you encountered here is a brutal and painful example, from late in the story, of how systematically your internal flaws of perception prevented you from seeing who he is, which is now, in painful retrospect, obvious. But rather than dwell on the specific incident, seek the pattern.

 

Maybe I am projecting, but I know for me, I have come to look back on my thoughts and feelings and I have seen a pattern of romanticization. Not romance in the flowers and wine sense, but romanticization. A need to see my internal life as more vivid, my relationships and feelings as deeper and somehow more valid, than those of others. Special, you know.

 

Maybe long before you let yourself nurture romantic flowers and sex thoughts for your boss, you were Romanticizing the connection. I remember in your foggy days how hard you clung to, how much you told us, about how you had valued your working partnership. It wasn't enough that it be what it was--a more than usually productive but limited relationship focused on work. It was an emotional thing defined by feelings of specialness which you invited and nurtured.

 

I think the takeaway here is to use this very painful insight about this incident to reexamine those feelings all the way back. Why did you need to take a good but mundane connection--a work partnership-- and romanticize it into something special--or more precisely, something that assured you that you were special when maybe you doubted you are.

 

I think for a lot of us it is some deep self-doubt under our external confidence that leads us to seek and nurture feelings of special in situations, and in people, that are not valid sources for such feelings. That's the source of the flaw in perception that leads us not to see clearly--right up until we wreck ourselves on the iceberg right in front of us.

 

Totally and completely agree with all of this. And it is something I've been working to remove the root of now that I understand.

[Matahari007]

Southern Sun, the fact that you were referred to as his "toy" shows the lack of respect the MM had for you. You also know that you were a topic of conversation at one point and who knows what details your AP gave him. Situations like this can give that consultant a pass to think he can have access to you too. Being known as a "toy" is degrading and just think of what a toy basically means. Its an object that is used for amusement, that is played with, and put down right after they are done. This terminology is by no means used to refer to you as being attractive.

[DKT3]

I think the difficulty here is she is finally, truly starting to see this thing that meant so much to her that she was willing to risk her marriage, well being of kids, career and reputation meant absolutely nothing to him.

 

I think this is were so many WW's struggle once the affair has ended. Sadly, all the signs and proof are there from the start of the affair, and runs concurrently throughout. Those signs are ignored, made excuses for or twisted into something positive. How SS could ever take the comments as positive is hard for others here to grasp.

[Southern Sun]

I think the difficulty here is she is finally, truly starting to see this thing that meant so much to her that she was willing to risk her marriage, well being of kids, career and reputation meant absolutely nothing to him.

 

I think this is were so many WW's struggle once the affair has ended. Sadly, all the signs and proof are there from the start of the affair, and runs concurrently throughout. Those signs are ignored, made excuses for or twisted into something positive. How SS could ever take the comments as positive is hard for others here to grasp.

 

This is hard for me to get across...I never really took the comments as "positive." As a poster above said, I didn't assume that the man meant that I was attractive either. My original question had some sliver of hope that PERHAPS this consultant MAYBE could have said that for his own reasons rather than due to knowing about the affair. That's why I used the term "attractive"...like please give me some other reason he could have used that word You all have told me it is pretty much a done deal that he knew or at least highly suspected. So okay.

 

I do my very best to answer your questions as honestly as I can...for the benefit of everyone. Maybe somebody can learn. Maybe somebody will avoid what I did. I don't know. Maybe some devastated husband can grasp what was going on in the mind of his wife. Maybe he doesn't want to know and shouldn't read. Maybe another woman will need someone to relate to. But I just try to dig deep and answer. I get a lot of appalled reactions but it is the truth of how I felt AT THE TIME.

 

Even then, I didn't hear it and feel good. Even when I took it as some kind of sign that MM was pleased to be seen with me, I knew it was twisted. I saw everything from two perspectives - my logical brain and the brain that was in the deepest pit of my life.

 

All I know is, at the time, I felt so low and my self-worth was so demolished, that my only currency was how that man treated me and felt about me (or how I perceived it). So even a backhanded "compliment" - though I had to take it with a spoonful of sugar - was useful.

[DKT3]

This is hard for me to get across...I never really took the comments as "positive." As a poster above said, I didn't assume that the man meant that I was attractive either. My original question had some sliver of hope that PERHAPS this consultant MAYBE could have said that for his own reasons rather than due to knowing about the affair. That's why I used the term "attractive"...like please give me some other reason he could have used that word You all have told me it is pretty much a done deal that he knew or at least highly suspected. So okay.

 

I do my very best to answer your questions as honestly as I can...for the benefit of everyone. Maybe somebody can learn. Maybe somebody will avoid what I did. I don't know. Maybe some devastated husband can grasp what was going on in the mind of his wife. Maybe he doesn't want to know and shouldn't read. Maybe another woman will need someone to relate to. But I just try to dig deep and answer. I get a lot of appalled reactions but it is the truth of how I felt AT THE TIME.

 

Even then, I didn't hear it and feel good. Even when I took it as some kind of sign that MM was pleased to be seen with me, I knew it was twisted. I saw everything from two perspectives - my logical brain and the brain that was in the deepest pit of my life.

 

All I know is, at the time, I felt so low and my self-worth was so demolished, that my only currency was how that man treated me and felt about me (or how I perceived it). So even a backhanded "compliment" - though I had to take it with a spoonful of sugar - was useful.

 

My comments were not really about the toy thing but the totality of the affair, and not just you but WW's in general. Accepting of poor treatment by some guy they have placed on a pedestal as some kind of amaz-man.

 

You speak of two trains of thought, one being the truth the other being a delusional illogical rationale that is at the root of the affair itself. You convince yourself that you his guys approval, attention and validation has meaning above all else. Then one day it all comes crashing down, there come a point were irrationally you can't even explain or accept his behavior. This doesn't only happen in affairs, but more commonly are required in affairs.

 

SS, I don't know how your R us really going, but don't allow too much of these moments derail your progress. In the end, does it really matter? The affair is dead, there is no future with him so why so much energy? Keep moving forward, you can do it

[Southern Sun]

My comments were not really about the toy thing but the totality of the affair, and not just you but WW's in general. Accepting of poor treatment by some guy they have placed on a pedestal as some kind of amaz-man.

 

You speak of two trains of thought, one being the truth the other being a delusional illogical rationale that is at the root of the affair itself. You convince yourself that you his guys approval, attention and validation has meaning above all else. Then one day it all comes crashing down, there come a point were irrationally you can't even explain or accept his behavior. This doesn't only happen in affairs, but more commonly are required in affairs.

 

SS, I don't know how your R us really going, but don't allow too much of these moments derail your progress. In the end, does it really matter? The affair is dead, there is no future with him so why so much energy? Keep moving forward, you can do it

 

Maybe it requires energy bc MM is still lurking. I am the one having to keep it dead. So these are good reminders.

 

R is pretty good...up and down, back and forth, tough at times, but generally in an upward line. I've been given a chance I don't deserve to try to keep my family together and I really want to make the most of it. Thanks for the encouragement.

[DKT3]

Maybe it requires energy bc MM is still lurking. I am the one having to keep it dead. So these are good reminders.

 

R is pretty good...up and down, back and forth, tough at times, but generally in an upward line. I've been given a chance I don't deserve to try to keep my family together and I really want to make the most of it. Thanks for the encouragement.

 

Of course he is lurking, you were fun and totally under his control, I'm sure he thinks it's only a matter if time before he gets......

 

Question, why do you allow him to lurk?

[Southern Sun]

Of course he is lurking, you were fun and totally under his control, I'm sure he thinks it's only a matter if time before he gets......

 

Question, why do you allow him to lurk?

 

The man does what he wants, always has. What's different is my husband knows and he won't get a response from me.