planning4later Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 (edited) Ever since my divorce, my ex wife has been engaging in pissing contests with me. She always tries to one up everything I do. Any special trend I start with my kids, she has to copy or even outdo. For example, years ago when she found out I was planning my first fishing trip with my kids, she tried to have her dad (their grandpa) beat me to the punch. Another time, after I bought them their first comic books, she immediately bought them a whole multi volume set of a different character...decked them out with posters, got them figures for those characters, etc. There are literally dozens of examples. Just now I find out that she's taking my kids to a baseball playoff game. Forever baseball has been my bond with my kids. She's never been interested. She knows nothing about the sport. I always take my kids every summer to a game. Now I find out she really stepped it up and is taking them to playoff game. Just FYI, the cost of those tickets for all them will equal my monthly child support payment. How wonderful. Glad I'm paying for them. What are your takes on this? How do I deal with this? They've always tried to sideline me as a father and neutralize everything I do. Should I be flattered that they're imitating me? Or should I just accept their immaturity and stay true? I've never tried to take over the things my kids do with their mom. I wouldn't want to. Truthfully those things bore me to death. So why can't they just leave me alone and let me have my thing with my kids? Edited October 1, 2016 by planning4later Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 So why can't they just leave me alone and let me have my thing with my kids? I'm not sure how having your kids attend one more baseball game or read one more comic book infringes on your "thing" with your them? Parenting isn't a beauty contest, there's not a winner and a runner-up. Your kid's experiences with you plus their experiences with your ex are the main factors in shaping their lives, and it's fortunately additive, no subtraction involved. Relax and do the things you enjoy with them. Strikes me that you're over-thinking it... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 Mr. Lucky is right....at the end of the day, your kids are the beneficiaries of the situation. Just a couple of things to ponder: You appear to be just as interested in the competition as your wife.... How does your wife know about your plans with your kids, if you're not advertising it, she would not know. If your intent is to build your bond with your kids, do that without concern as to what you ex is doing....if the kiddos get two games instead of one, isn't it better for them? You don't own specific activities with the kids and if the ex sees that they enjoy the activities you are doing, and duplicates them, then that is a compliment to your parenting. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 I understand you not liking what your WW is doing. Understand this do not waste time on this for there is nothing that you can do stop this. So let the kids enjoy those wife provided benefits and you enjoy your time when you are with your kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 The big issue is why do you care? It's obvious you haven't achieved detachment. You need to cut off any unnessecary contact with the ex. Never call or answer a call unless absolutely necessary. Text or email. Keep that shirt and to the point. Only about the. Kids. Don't engage in conversation etc. ignore everything else ith no response. If you can do these things in time you won't care what she does. She'll just be the kids mother whom you used to know. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 If it's all for the kids, who cares? Remember, it's about the connection you foster with your kids, not the stuff. Also, there are no "winners" in a family. If anyone loses (mom or dad), the kids lose. So stop competing. She can't compete without your willing participation. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 I already have gone NC. It's been this way for 4 years. But their mom continues to monitor their phone calls. She keeps them on speaker phone and always keeps tabs on our conversation. That's how she knows what my plans are with my kids. I don't "advertise" it. She eaves drops, then tries to copy. It's just annoying. And I know exactly why she does it. She doesn't want their time with me to be unique in any way. Sure, sure...I guess they get to attend two games and they win, but it's all for the purpose of neutralizing so my time isn't special with them. "Oh we did that at moms too!" It's ridiculous. Even the new food meals I make them, she copies. It's getting out of hand. Just because this bothers me, doesn't mean I haven't "detached". I have. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 Sure, sure...I guess they get to attend two games and they win, but it's all for the purpose of neutralizing so my time isn't special with them. . Your time is special with them because it's with you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 Look at it this way. Her trying to copy you means you're doing a lot of good things with the kids. She's trying to keep up but it's always after you. I see this as you are in the lead. She just follows 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 Look at it this way. Her trying to copy you means you're doing a lot of good things with the kids. She's trying to keep up but it's always after you. I see this as you are in the lead. She just follows Right, but there's always the argument that since I'm the "weekend dad", it doesn't count because it's easier for me to devote time to what they enjoy rather than mundane, routine things. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 Right, but there's always the argument that since I'm the "weekend dad", it doesn't count because it's easier for me to devote time to what they enjoy rather than mundane, routine things. This is your insecurity speaking. I've got a teenager. The years of her asking to spend time with me are over. Now, I'm the one asking her to make time for us. Yours are still young. Take hikes, cook, read, go fishing, have kitchen dance parties. But at this age, the activity is secondary to being with you and having your undivided attention. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 This is your insecurity speaking. I've got a teenager. The years of her asking to spend time with me are over. Now, I'm the one asking her to make time for us. Yours are still young. Take hikes, cook, read, go fishing, have kitchen dance parties. But at this age, the activity is secondary to being with you and having your undivided attention. I was never insecure about stuff like this. The reason is because I had never met people before my ex and her family who were so territorial. I thought everyone just lived and let live. It's only after being woken up from 5 years of these games that I realized I can't just live and let live anymore, or they will walk all over me and crap in my face. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 Right, but there's always the argument that since I'm the "weekend dad", it doesn't count because it's easier for me to devote time to what they enjoy rather than mundane, routine things. Maybe just make the plans and surprise your kids each weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 I was never insecure about stuff like this. The reason is because I had never met people before my ex and her family who were so territorial. I thought everyone just lived and let live. It's only after being woken up from 5 years of these games that I realized I can't just live and let live anymore, or they will walk all over me and crap in my face. If you make your time with your kids "special" by spending money (either of you), that will bite you in the behind when they are teens. They will expect you to spend money on them, and they will resist spending time with you unless there is something monetary in it for them. This is just as true for her as it is for you. "Winning" by providing the most unique treats is actually losing. The real win is to establish a deep connection with your kids now, at these ages, so that they will trust you and want to come to you with issues as they enter the adolescent age. If anything, it's much easier to open the wallet and buy playoff tickets. Kids are smart. They know who's got their back. Right now, does anyone? Or are both parents focused on outdoing the other? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author planning4later Posted October 1, 2016 Author Share Posted October 1, 2016 (edited) Maybe just make the plans and surprise your kids each weekend. Funny you said that. I did this for quite a while. It worked. But then as time went along I figured I'd just loosen up and not be so "secretive" (an adjective that my MIL called me in court). But then after loosening up and just talking with with my kids on phone like normal, the ex started picking up information and began the games again. Guess I need to start being "secretive" again. Edited October 1, 2016 by planning4later Link to post Share on other sites
Nowty V Posted October 1, 2016 Share Posted October 1, 2016 (edited) Perceiving that your ex wife is playing mind games gives you a tremendous opportunity to grow as a human being. If you can work on a greater 'awareness' of yourself, so you can feel and know what emotional mechanisms are coming into play, how you are reacting to the situation, you may be able to possess a better/healthier control on the situation. If you can grow emotionally, so she can no longer punch your buttons because it becomes so 'old hat' to you, you can concentrate on the matter in hand; which is having a great relationship with your kids, in whatever form that takes. What is important is your connection with them, not the effects of a woman who is clearly afraid. Fear makes people do weird stuff. You have the tools at your disposal to be able to process this situation more favourably, rather than withdrawing. God has a plan for you, the Devil also has a plan, which is to prevent you achieving your potential and not being up to the work God has for you. You know you can overcome this with dignity and fortitude. Edited October 1, 2016 by Nowty V typo 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Right, but there's always the argument that since I'm the "weekend dad", it doesn't count because it's easier for me to devote time to what they enjoy rather than mundane, routine things. So what. Their thoughts are nothing to you. Be glad you're away from them 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Funny you said that. I did this for quite a while. It worked. But then as time went along I figured I'd just loosen up and not be so "secretive" (an adjective that my MIL called me in court). But then after loosening up and just talking with with my kids on phone like normal, the ex started picking up information and began the games again. Guess I need to start being "secretive" again. Kids like surprises anyway. Perfect solution. From what I've read they're not the type you can have any relationship with anyway. Keep the at arms length. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 It's only after being woken up from 5 years of these games that I realized I can't just live and let live anymore, or they will walk all over me and crap in my face. They only have the power over you that you give them by caring about what they say or do. Ignore them, that power goes away. You win when your kids win, it's no more complicated than that. But at this age, the activity is secondary to being with you and having your undivided attention. There you go. Do they things you enjoy as a family, don't worry about anything else. Just sent my last one to college - trust me, it goes by fast... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CanJanus Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Right, but there's always the argument that since I'm the "weekend dad", it doesn't count because it's easier for me to devote time to what they enjoy rather than mundane, routine things. Maybe it is time to become something more than the weekend dad? Move close to kids and start spending more time with them. Your ex can win because, as you said, you are not a real parent. The solution is simple, become a real parent. I know it will be tough, and you will face stiff opposition from the ex. The other posters are wrong though. She is one-upping you, and you are losing. This isn't a kumbaya world where everything just works itself out. After you move close, volunteer to do all the crappy stuff for the kids. Bring them to the dentist, bring them to their soccer game when it is pouring rain outside. Bring them to school in the morning, or pick them up after school. Once you are a real parent, you won't have to worry about baseball games. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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