Fed up from loneliness and depression, I'm having difficulty having fun.

[ZHguy]

I don't know what to do. I just need to be better, and need help.

 

I'm a slim 18 year old average looking guy. I think I'm good socially (apart from my other thread the other night which involved me having a nervous breakdown when I was freaking out about me going to a social gathering), partly from reading a lot of social improvement articles, especially in the past few days. When you meet me, you couldn't tell what's going on inside.

 

I went out with this guy last night and we went clubbing. He's got muscles and is above average. I was enjoying my night in the beginning. Then I started dancing, and no one wanted to dance with me. I was fine with that, because I get that people have boyfriends or just maybe don't find me attractive. Okay. Now, I've been lonely and depressed before. Later on in the night, when guys were being paired up with women and I found my self alone, I started falling into moments of being really sad. I felt rejected. I felt unwanted and bad. I haven't been with a woman before, but I've been with about thirty plus men. All casual sex with strange older men, I've never been in a relationship (I am bi). No ones ever wanted me.

 

As I've suffered loneliness and depression in the past, shaking off the five to seven times I had those feelings became harder. At the end, the guy I was with (who has had sex every night at these clubs) was being made out by this beautiful woman. And I think I had a hint of jealousy on the very inside, but I had had enough.

 

I went home a couple hours earlier that he did (I went at 2am). Maybe it's because I have no coping resources at all (I'm saying this because apparently depression + a lack of coping resources causes suicidal thoughts ((according to the good samaritans)), and maybe it's because I'm emotionally unstable, but I just went home, crying. I suddenly found myself in depression again, to a point never before seen. I woke up the same way. I saw no point of waking up though and thought constantly of killing myself from yesterday up until now. I was on the phone on the suicide hotline for like 30 minutes last night, and we concluded that I was to go to my university's student support to ask about mental health support. I will get a therapist, but that will be a four month process just to let you guys know.

 

Yesterday was my first night out. I got a bit drunk and danced and had fun for the first time. I didn't have close friends or a social life. I never showed that empty part of me to anyone. The point is, I had some fun in the beginning like I never have had.

 

I just want to go out and have fun again. Yeah, no one wanted me at the club, but is there anyway to get over this feeling? I just want to go and have a good time. I don't want to come back suicidal and depressed. I'm in a very sensitive state right now.

 

Please, help.

[Fruitee]

I know the feeling. When you go out. Leave early. When its still fun. Grab some burgers on your way home and pass out happy!

[Nowty V]

Do you have a lack of confidence, and are also nervous?

 

Are you a sensitive sort?

 

If so I would suggest getting to know more about your personality type.

 

There is a book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking by Susan Cain

It is available quite economically priced on a well known online auction site.

 

It could really open your eye's to why you do what you do, if you are of an Introvert personality type.

[Mr Cage]

You've over thinking/analysing the whole situation.

 

You said it was your first night out and you've never been with a woman before.

 

Just because your first time didn't go the way you wanted, doesn't automatically mean everytime is going to be a failure. Confidence goes a long way and never being with a woman before, you may have been acting shy/nervously unknowingly. Don't let it get you down or put you off. Just go to have fun, anything else is a bonus.

[preraph]

It sounds like your problem isn't so much loneliness as much as some self-esteem issues which are just highlighted when you are trying to meet someone to be a partner with. But I will tell you that it's MOST people who have trouble with that and feel like crap and go home lonely and wake up lonely when we're young. Your friend may get lucky, but you are not out of the norm in that way.

 

So I am really happy to hear that you called that hotline and got on the path to going to therapy, because that will help you and give you someone to talk to and give you some insight about any issues you have that may help you be more comfortable with yourself in the future. Meanwhile, going out and whether you have fun or not is a crap shoot, even for the luckier among us. As a (now older) woman, men never believe it, but I can't count how many times I went out and just ended up sad and lonely at the end of the night. Because maybe I was interested in a particular guy and he wasn't interested enough back or maybe none of the guys out that I thought were interesting were even paying attention to women in the club that night. Don't feel like you're the different one because of that. It happens to everyone at some time or another.

 

I will give you one tip that you will eventually learn in therapy, and I do so because you mentioned being with a lot of guys but none of them wanted anything except sex. You have to set boundaries if you don't want that. You have to teach people that you don't respond or go along if you think they only want sex, unless that is all you want. As the case may be, maybe you think sex is better than nothing -- and maybe it is, but if you don't require more of people you meet, you won't get more. So you need to find some balance of expecting and requiring people to treat you as you want to be treated if they want to keep you around for any reason. Don't offer yourself up out of desperation. Let people know you want a relationship. And then act like it!