Affair sex great? No. My affair story.

[Ganda70]

I had the most stupid affair. Three years ago I started permimenopause. Didn't know it or what it was. I'm stupid. But the mood swings and depression made me feel I was going crazy.

 

Then an old coworker showed up on fb. Didn't really know him. The girls I worked with at the time said he was a "hunk". We chatted and I told him I was married and I loved my husband. I didn't hear from him for several weeks. Then he started love bombing me. And I fell for it. I felt so sexy. His texts made me feel so good. Months of this went by. I can't tell you how screwed up my head was. I made up things to justify what I was doing. Blamed my husband I now know were not true.

 

Then the chat turned sexual. We shared pictures. Only mine had to be full body with my face. His were not. Dumb. He was in the military stationed in Korea. He said we should hook up. I said sure cause he was on the other side of the world. Well, then he showed up. I met him in his car. He seemed handsome and charming. I was excited yes. We had sex in the front seat but it didn't last long. Maybe a minute.

 

I was watching out and he didn't seem to be very hard and it wasn't going in much. Then a cop drove by and I ended it. Then he told me he rented a second hotel room cause he had brought his daughter down and wanted me to come over. I did. I met him in his room and he seemed to be in a hurry cause he told his daughter he went for a run. Then I noticed his member was only about 31/2 inches. This time he wasn't very charming. He wanted all the things done to him that we had chatted about.

 

I sensed an underlying temper. I tried to do oral but he smelled so bad down there I told him I just couldnt. So he jumped me. No passion. Yes I was excited. But he did it fast and hard and it hurt. Plus he wasn't getting very hard. Then after awhile he just quit and said he had to go. Left me there feeling used and cheap. I said that's it no more. I didn't hear from him for a month. Then he popped up bragging how good he was. I really don't know why I didn't end it. But we continued to chat and send pictures for six more months. I didn't have feelings for him but his text made me happy. But he was much different in person.

 

Then he showed up again. I said this is it. I'm going to end it. I went to his room. He was drinking and watching the ball game. The more I wanted to say its over the more my mouth wouldn't open. I was scared. What would he do? He has my text and pictures. Will he blackmail me? So after the game he started taking my clothes off. I said stop but he didn't. It was really bad. He kept loosing his erection and had to masterbate for several minutes. Four times he did this. I was dry and he hurt me cause he just jammed it in even though it was dead. Then he just quit and went to the bathroom for ten minutes. When he came out he asked "how was it?".

 

I told him I've had a lot better and he frowned and said "you know it was good". I went to the bathroom for 20 minutes until the pain went away. I tried to calm myself down. i felt like he used me like a whore. I felt so much guilt. I went home telling myself how stupid i was. The chatting and pictures continued for eight more months. Then I got caught. My husband of 25 years was devastated. So was I. But I felt like a great burden was lifted off my shoulders. It was finnaly over. Why I couldn't end it i don't know. Maybe I was scared. Recovery has been long and hard. My husband is the greatest lover in the world. Best by far of anyone I've ever been with. But my affair has caused him jelousy and insecurities.

 

I can't seem to convince him sex with the other man was really bad. It does not help when everybody online talks about mind blowing affair sex. He just can't believe somebody can be that bad. He thinks I'm lying about it. Well I'm not. I went through affair fog. And the three times we had sex in those two years was the worst. It was degrading and humiliating. I'm so sorry I did this. I can't say how sorry and the guilt ate at me everyday. My affair partner was a professional narcissist con artist. And I fell for it. But I can't convince my husband the sex was rotton.

 

How can I make him feel he is better than that man? And he sure is by a million miles. But he just thinks affair sex must be great cause everybody says so. Any ideas what I can do? He does not believe me. Yes I did wrong. Yes I feel horrible. But I desperately want to fix my wrong. What can I do?

Edited October 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[anika99]

That sounds horrible. Your husband probably thinks what's the point of carrying on a years long sexual affair if the sex wasn't any good? Also even if you do convince him that he is better sexually he still won't feel better because then it will drive him nuts that you risked losing him and your marriage for some scummy guy that's doesn't even come close to measuring up to him. Good affair sex or bad affair sex your husband will be tormented either way.

 

So I think what you have to do is dig deep down inside of yourself and figure out why you had the affair if not for the sex. You may need counselling to help you with this. Right now none of this makes sense to your husband but if both you and he come to understand that the affair wasn't about the other man or about the sex, it was all about you, then both of you may heal. Maybe read some books on the addictive nature of affairs and how affairs are largely about ego strokes and the excitement of doing something in secret.

 

I wish you and your husband luck in your reconciliation. How did he find out?

[Ganda70]

I just wasn't happy during that period. I had depression and felt unloved. I was loved. I just made myself feel that way. Like said I had horrible mood swings and depression. I pushed my husband away. Them this con man entered and flattered my ego. We got counselling and that helped. My husband got my permimenopause symptoms under control with natural herbs. It turned around my life. Depression is gone mood swings are gone. He really took care of me. I can see now what I did was horrible. At that time I didn't think of my kids. Sounds horrible but that's how bad my confusion got.

[Satu]

All you can do is keep telling him the truth and hope that one day he'll believe you.

 

I don't see any other options.

 

 

Take care.

[malvern99]

There really is nothing you can do to convince your BH that the sex was terrible. All he has is your word, and if there was any lying after your D Day, it will take a lot of time for your word to command trust again. What you can do though is work your tail off to understand why you made the choices you made. Peel the layers back until you get to the core problems.

 

How long ago was your D Day, and other than this issue, how are you and your BH doing?

[OneLov]

[]

IMO, telling your husband the dude had a near micropenis, smelled, and sucked in bed the three times you had sex in two years isn't going to make this situation more palatable. It's just going to make you look like you just don't get it and are minimizing the impact of affair.

Edited October 1, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Starting post edited and comment about paragraphs redacted

[Ganda70]

D-day was 1 1/2 years ago. We are doing fine except for that. He still has depression spells. At times I don't know what to say. I stay with him every minute I can. I got a gps tracker so he can see where I'm at if I have to leave. I call everywhere I go and even send pictures of where I'm at. I even made a police report with the military police so they could go after the guy. Adultry and sending nude and lewd pictures is a violation of military law. it was humiliating answering their questions but I did it to prove to my husband it was over and I felt nothing for that man. I know what some of you are saying. My story sounds like I'm down playing it but it's true. Maybe he will never believe me. Yes we had little communication at that time. He didn't understand what was happening to me and I couldn't tell him. I sunk deeper into depression. The only fun part was the texting in the beginning. I did feel special. But after sex with that man I began to realize I was a sucker. In my demented mind I couldn't believe he didn't like me. I was really stupid. I had everything at home and I almost lost it. Then I guess I was to scared to end it. I hated myself. I lived in fear I would be found out if I tried. The OM is friends with so many people I know. Affraid he would tell them and my husband. I found out later he did share my pictures. Guilt never went away. i told my H i would do anything to save our marrage. I'm doing everything I can think of.

[Ganda70]

I read my story and it sounds so stupid. In the years I had my affair, the three times we met, it was altogether less than an hour total. And part of that hour he watched a ball game. My story sounds so unbelievably even to me. I really didnt even know the guy except the image he portrayed on his text messages. I was so stupid. I must be the dumbest person in the world.

[BenchCoach]

First of all. you need to be aware that you can't control the outcome. you need to give your husband whatever space he needs when he gets into a "funk." it's not up to you to dictate the process of his recovery... you've dealt a devastating blow to his self-esteem/ego. it's gonna take time... lots of time. it's been said, it can take up 3-5 to have some semblance of normality; you're only at year-and-a-half mark. some don't come back from such a betrayal. just be prepared for anything.

 

it's admirable the lengths you went to prove to your husband(outing the OM) is the one you want to be end up with. but still, the damage is done. most men have a picture of their wives having pornstar sex when they find out they've been cheated-on. our manhood comes into question.

[malvern99]

you sound like you are doing the right things to rebuild your M. Keep being honest, open and transparent. Over time, those consistent actions will allow for some trust to begin to rebuild. If the sex was bad, the keep the story consistent. Your BH may never believe you, but as long as you are being 100% honest, there is nothing more you can do on that count. Have you and your BH tried both individual and marriage counseling? IC may be helpful to help your BH process his emotions and move on from the sex thing.

 

You are not stupid Ganda. You made some bad decisions in the past, but that does not make you dumb. You recognized you made some bad decisions and are now doing what it takes to repair yourself and your marriage. That is not what dumb people do. Good luck Ganda and stay strong.

[anika99]

I read my story and it sounds so stupid. In the years I had my affair, the three times we met, it was altogether less than an hour total. And part of that hour he watched a ball game. My story sounds so unbelievably even to me. I really didnt even know the guy except the image he portrayed on his text messages. I was so stupid. I must be the dumbest person in the world.

 

I can see why your husband is having a hard time. When I read your posts I see a lot of regret and self loathing, but regret over what exactly? Are you really remorseful for the affair and the devastation to your husband or are you mostly upset that your MM turned out to be a dud? See this is what keeps betrayed spouses stuck and unable to move on. If the OM is seen as great and superior to BS then obviously the BS feels horrible and like they can't measure up. If the OM is seen as a loser who is inferior to the spouse then the spouse is left to think that the only reason the affair stopped or the WS didn't leave the marriage is because they knew they were trading down, not because of some great love for the BS.

 

Your posts sound sort of like that. Like you think you were stupid because your OM didn't turn out to be the Prince Charming you wanted him to be. How would this have played out if the OM had been an even better lover than your husband? Would you still be remorseful and full of regret? Would you still want your marriage if the OM was wonderful, madly in love with you and waiting on you to pick him? I bet your husband has these thoughts too. Like what happens when the next OM comes along and he is good in bed? Then who would you choose?

[RecentChange]

I don't think you are necessarily the dumbest person, but I think you very obviously have self esteem issues.

 

Why else would you out up with this? No self respecting woman would put up with such nauseating sex.

 

Have you been to counseling? It's hard to love another fully (what your husband needs) if you don't love yourself.

[Forever broken]

Your husband might never believe the sex was terrible especially if it happened more than once. However, it doesn't matter whether the sex was terrible or mind blowing, it is still an affair. The good thing is that is over and you are remorseful. Continue to seek counselling and help your husband cope through it. Don't feel dumb or stupid. Everybody makes mistakes. God knows I have had my share.

[Ganda70]

Nausiating sex...well I told my counsellor so why not you. I didn't grow up in this country. At ten i was raped by my step brother. I ran away and got a job as a house girl. I got raped again. I ran away and got grabbed by two guys who sold me to a house run by the police. I was basically raped everyday for months. I was locked up and could not go anywhere unless escorted. My husband found me and helped me get away. So yes I guess I grew up learning to tolerate nausiating sex. We never talked about it. Never told him about my brother or my time as a house girl. Not until counseling. I guess in my depression I just wanted to feel special. To feel wanted and special. That other man ment nothing. I had no feelings of love. He just made me feel like somebody at a time when I needed my husband. I could care less about the rotton sex. I had rotton sex my whole childhood. It's my husband that does. Six months after my affair started (the first and second sex acts happened a few days apart) i wanted out. In person he was a dud. I felt the guilt. And the last six months he was controlling. Texting everyday bugging me for "his pictures". Untill I just gave in and sent them. If I posted on fb how much I loved my husband or pictures of us out having fun, he would pop up. Humiliation and control. Even on my damn anniversary he showed up. Wanting me to stick things inside and take pictures. I don't know the meaning of this or "why". I just know i screwed up. And I do feel so very bad about it.

[Ganda70]

My husband told me it was love at first sight. When we met i was being escorted. He followed me to where I lived. He bought me and I was taken to his hotel. He talked to me and then we ran. He set me up in my own house. He didn't live there and would come to see me every couple of months. We dated during those months. He is very much a Christian man. We married and I came here. Years after we were married i would wake up at night and pinch myself to make sure it wasn't a dream. I have loved this man for almost thirty years. I don't know what caused me to have depression, moodswings, hot flashes and crying for no reason. Maybe menopause. But I screwed up. I opened the door and let the devil come in. My husband has forgiven me and I hope God will. As for forgiving myself? I don't know if I can.

[Ganda70]

Thank you everyone for the answers. I guess this is my problem. I really don't feel comfortable doing this. Goodbye.

[ShatteredLady]

I wasn't comfortable posting on a forum at the start either.

 

For me it wasn't about the (sometimes harsh) responses. I felt very vulnerable & exposed but most of all I felt like I was being disloyal to my husband. Crazy I know! He devastated me. It was just hard to remember that this is completely anonymous.

 

We don't know you & you don't know us. That's the great thing about forums like this. There are members here who have experienced so many things in life. I've found their insight invaluable. Having somewhere to write anything I felt truly helped me get past my depression & anxiety. I'm pretty isolated in life & didn't feel like I could share what I was going through with my friends or family.

 

What were you hoping to achieve here? In what ways isn't it working for you? You've been so brave sharing your 'ghosts'. There are others here who have severe abuse in their history. Please remember that it takes people a while to get to know you.

 

I hope that you do give it a little more time. This forum has been a life saver for me on many occasions. Reading the infidelity forum & this OW/OM has helped me to understand things from different sides.

[road]

Thank you everyone for the answers. I guess this is my problem. I really don't feel comfortable doing this. Goodbye.

 

If you come back recovery is a 2 to 5 year period. Trust takes along time to be repaired. That's it for now.

[Marc878]

Thank you everyone for the answers. I guess this is my problem. I really don't feel comfortable doing this. Goodbye.

 

What you went through when you were younger was horrific but it was nothing you did or deserved.

 

Having your affair was a bad thing but it doesn't make you a bad person. You can overcome this.

 

Look back at how far you've already come.

 

Best wishes to you

[DesertHeat]

Hi Ganda, you are brave to share your background with us. I'm no psychologist, but I think if you dig deep into your FOO and traumatic background, you may find the origins of what lead you to your affair.

 

My FOO background and history of multiple sexual assaults caused me to enter into serial bad relationships, all the way up to my abusive marriage.

 

I've cheated twice on two boyfriends. One was a RA because my boyfriend cheated on me. When my BF cheated, a light bulb didn't go off to leave him. I realized, because of my FOO, that I was implitictly taught that I wasn't deserving of respect because my parents didn't want me (I was adopted). Yet, I internalized the cheating and was secretly angry, but felt like I had no place to say anything.

 

About a year later, when a classmate hit on me, I took him up on his offer. It was good at the moment, but then turned awful because I soon found out he had a girlfriend and I felt awful for inadvertently inserting myself into their relationship. I stopped talking to that classmate. My BF was still disrespectful towards me even though we were still together, and about a year after that, he took a job 8 hours away without even telling me. For some strange reason, that was the catalyst for me to break up with him and not any of the cheating or disrespectful behavior beforehand.

 

The second time I cheated was in response to being raped. I was dating someone, but an ex-boyfriend came by to hang out. It was a poor decision to have an ex-boyfriend over alone, but, to me, the relationship was over and I had no feelings towards him whatsoever. But when he came over, he overpowered me and raped me. I felt so bad and guilty about it. For about 4 months, I continued having sex with the ex-boyfriend whenever he showed up, even though it was awful and I didn't want it. I was afraid of being raped again. I finally moved and didn't talk to the ex-boyfriend again.

 

I didn't tell my boyfriend at that time until a year later, and he never believed my story or my feelings. Incidentally, I found out that he was cheating on me during our entire relationship, so the whole thing was messed up.

 

Your husband seems to be a good man. He rescued you from a horrible situation, and it's such a blessing that you have him in your life. Perhaps your unresolved feelings about your past in addition to your depression drew you back into a situation that somewhat mimicked your past, which is to have awful sex and to be exploited sexually. And this new situation continues to rain on your self esteem, which was already battered by your past.

 

Often, in instances of infidelity, I see often that IC is recommended for people who cheat to untangle their "whys". I would recommend to continue your counseling to untangle your past and what made your boundaries so weak. You aren't a bad person and you seem sincere, it's just that you need to figure out what made you open to another person. You need to shore up your boundaries so it doesn't happen again. For me, I didn't cheat again, but it was a concerted effort on my part because I have had many offers and have been in awful relationships. When I'm in a relationship now, I consciously do not flirt, do not seek attention from other men, shut down or shut out men who try to flirt with me, and do not ever be alone with another man in his or my home (or similar circumstances, like a hotel).

 

It's going to be a long road of recovery with your husband, but continue working towards healing. Continue posting here if you want, or at least read if you aren't comfortable. Continue counseling. Continue telling him the truth (give him a timeline, if you haven't already). As you discover your "whys", keep your husband in the loop. Be sensitive to his devastation. Find out where the holes are in your boundaries and patch them up.

 

Remember that you are worthy and deserving of your husband's love. Keep that in mind and honor it as you go through life.

[bubbaganoosh]

You better hope that the pictures you sent him don't pop up anywhere. All that will do is set back this whole thing.

 

Why in Gods name would you agree to show your face on the pictures? I wish you luck and hope everything turns out good for you.

[Chica80]

Ganda please don't go.....

 

You have been through so much trauma and hurt..the man you had an affair with raped you that was not sex it was rape.

Depression is really anger turned inward. And from your story there is alot to be angry about. It seems like you are getting counseling I hope.

Many times when you suffer trauma in your life. You will subconsciously place yourself in the same situations hoping to heal...but really all you do is reinforce more of the hurt you already feel.

You're not alone.

Lots of love and hugs.

[Miss Clavel]

D-day was 1 1/2 years ago. We are doing fine except for that. He still has depression spells. At times I don't know what to say. I stay with him every minute I can. I got a gps tracker so he can see where I'm at if I have to leave. I call everywhere I go and even send pictures of where I'm at. I even made a police report with the military police so they could go after the guy. Adultry and sending nude and lewd pictures is a violation of military law. it was humiliating answering their questions but I did it to prove to my husband it was over and I felt nothing for that man. I know what some of you are saying. My story sounds like I'm down playing it but it's true. Maybe he will never believe me. Yes we had little communication at that time. He didn't understand what was happening to me and I couldn't tell him. I sunk deeper into depression. The only fun part was the texting in the beginning. I did feel special. But after sex with that man I began to realize I was a sucker. In my demented mind I couldn't believe he didn't like me. I was really stupid. I had everything at home and I almost lost it. Then I guess I was to scared to end it. I hated myself. I lived in fear I would be found out if I tried. The OM is friends with so many people I know. Affraid he would tell them and my husband. I found out later he did share my pictures. Guilt never went away. i told my H i would do anything to save our marrage. I'm doing everything I can think of.

 

in spite of the fact that i might get **** for this: it sounds to me, almost, like rape.

 

its best that all of this is out in the open and all anyone has to do to verify your story is ask the narcissus misogynist to unzip.

 

you are lucky in your husband. but i'd stop talking to him about it.

 

i know it's hard to lose the attention of photos and texting and trysts. but maybe you can use the time to seek counseling? you need to find out why you only feel alive when you're letting someone debase and use you. an expert at that.

 

i call the state of horror we feel as we are outside ourselves watching ourselves see things that horrify and hurt us, a furuge?

 

not sure it that's a real word but it's a real feeling. the inner slow mo feeling you have when all you think is, this is so interesting, i wanna see where it will go, can it get worse, can go lower, is there more? i mean, the guy basically rapes you (your soul) and you sit there while he's in the bathroom getting off?

 

talk to a professional, for the love of god.

 

mention that you just sat there.

 

all the best, e.n.

Edited October 3, 2016 by Miss Clavel