Terrible miscommunication, now he won't talk ... long

[newheart]

Well, all that feedback I received on my other thread about acknowledging the anniversary of our first date (Tuesday) is probably no longer necessary.

 

I need some help getting through today or figuring out what to do, even if it means let go.

 

We had a really nice weekend (my kids were with XH) so I spent Friday - Monday at his place. We made plans for the upcoming few weekends - a day trip including our families, another potential overnight, an activity we were planning for his nephews next weekend. Sunday night, we had talked about our work weeks and he told me he would be working long days Mon - Wed, so probably wouldn't be available before Thursday. I said okay, and we left it at that. We didn't specify when/if we'd do something Thursday or Friday, but I wasn't worried about it since we had the week to figure it out, and we did have set plans Saturday (tickets for an event he bought months ago).

 

2 hours after I left him Monday morning, I got a sweet text from him saying he was just thinking about what a nice weekend we had, and was looking forward to next weekend already. I replied that his text made me smile, I had a nice weekend too, etc. etc. Tuesday, checked in with him via text about his crazy work week, we exchanged texts back and forth, discussed Saturday, all was good. Wednesday, I didn't hear from him, and knowing his hectic week (I've discussed in previous threads - when apart, he is not big on constant communication) and trying to respect his space, I didn't reach out. Thursday evening, I was at happy hour and still hadn't heard from him, so I texted him that I missed him.

 

Now, this is where it gets crazy and confusing (even to me because it makes no sense). I probably was oversensitive (I am the type who likes daily contact, he can go a day or two and be fine) that I hadn't seen him or spoken with him, and I admit that with cocktails added to that, it wasn't a great idea. He replied immediately to my text by sending me a screenshot of something that he knows I like that he had taken the day before. He then wrote, "Haha, how was your day?"

 

Problem was - 1. I got those texts in reverse which actually happens often when he sends pictures from home, due to slow service there. I should have realized that, but I didn't, and I thought his "Haha" was in response to my "I miss you." 2. I was upset he didn't say "I miss you too" which he most often does, but occasionally will not, and that is okay too - I tell him because I want him to know. But I missed him, was sensitive, was drinking ... ugh, you get the picture. Trainwreck.

 

I responded with ???? because I initially didn't understand, then he explained the picture. 9 minutes later, he wrote "....nevermind". Since I was out, I wasn't checking my phone every moment and most times that we text, far longer than 9 minutes passes because we are doing things! I didn't understand why he said nevermind, and I could tell that he was upset/pissy or something.

 

I did not respond to the texts any longer because at this point, I knew it would just further go south. I was already drinking water and getting ready to head home, lol, so I figured I'd call him on the way home to see what the "nevermind" was about. I called him twice - both times on the 2nd ring it went to voicemail, which I can only interpret as him sending me to VM, which has never happened before. So I texted him to "please call me before I drive over, lol" (Ugh - not my finest moment). He texted back, "What's wrong?" which further upset me, because he didn't just call back. I just said I was trying to call him and it went to VM, so he said he'd call me in a minute, and he did.

 

The conversation was worse than the texts. He said he wrote nevermind because I wasn't answering, but clearly he was sensitive about this because we are literally talking about 9 minutes. We went around in circles about this, and then he says (which I believe is the heart of the matter) something about my availability. That everything we do is always on my availability because I have this going on or that going on. I was confused because I pointed out that the reason we hadn't seen each other that week was due to his availability, and I always make time for him, and I am always the one to initiate plans. I mention giving him space and not hearing from him, and he said he hadn't heard from me all week (not exactly true) and that it was ****ty of me to say that. I then asked if we could talk about this in person Friday, because we weren't getting anywhere on the phone. I asked, "Are you available to talk about this tomorrow night?" and he replied rather coolly, "No, actually, I'm not" without further explanation or suggesting another day. I was taken aback, really. I interpreted that as he did not want to talk to me ever (not considering that I said "available") and I responded by saying, "Okay. Well, obviously I am very upset by this but I respect your wishes and appreciate your honesty. I will be in touch in a couple weeks to make arrangements to come get my personal stuff." This was a mistake, I realize, but in that moment, I really thought he just didn't have any interest in talking to me again. He paused, then said okay, and I could hear that he was all choked up. This all happened so fast, and I was so confused. I said, "Is this really what you want?" He didn't answer yes or no, but said that he didn't understand how we got from him texting me a picture to me picking up my stuff. THEN he explained that because I wasn't available* (more on this in a moment) until Saturday, he had made other plans Friday with his friends so that is why he wasn't available to talk. When he explained that, I apologized and said I misunderstood him, I really thought he was saying he didn't want to talk to me again. *But, I also said, I never said I wasn't available until Saturday. He said when I said goodbye Monday, I said that I wouldn't see him again until Saturday. Guys, I swear, I didn't say that ... I may have at some point acknowledged our Saturday plans, but I almost always see him Friday night and I wouldn't have immediately dismissed Friday without us discussing it. I said that to him, but he still said I said that. Moving on ... okay, I again asked can we please just talk in person, Saturday before our plans? And I don't remember his exact words, but he didn't say yes. He said he felt like we needed to hit pause and regroup and get off the phone, and I agreed. He then said that the ball was in my court, which I thought was odd. I said to him that I didn't really think the ball was in my court - I asked to see him in person twice and he declined. So then he said "okay, I guess the ball is in my court" and we said goodbye.

 

Yesterday, I had an awful day thinking about this. I am torn - he and I are very different, he is stubborn and needs space, and I am the type who wants to resolve everything the second it happens. He is not a great communicator and (just like what I think happened here) I believe he bottles things up until they erupt. I don't understand how literally we went from being happy and all these upcoming plans, to this. Clearly, it cannot still be over this stupid text! In addition, because of his comments on not hearing from me and my availability, I almost feel like we are breaking up because of this, which is funny because I also feel like I don't get enough of him. So, I decided to reach out to him yesterday. It went something like this:

 

Me: Good morning. I realize that I said the ball is in your court, but you know, try as I might, I am not really great at sports! If your plans change tonight and you can talk, let me know. Otherwise, I'd like to come over tomorrow before *event* to talk. Is that okay? (Yes, this was cheesy, I was trying to make him smile. Guess that didn't work)

 

Him: (3.5 hours later) I just feel like we were going in circles last night. I'm not sure that talking right now will be any different.

 

Me: Yes, you are right about last night. I've had some time to process, I'm not happy with what transpired, and I take responsibility for that. I'd like to talk to you in person. It won't be the same conversation. (Then I added this, because I never know what he is thinking and just needed to know, as ridiculous as this question was) This is probably a really asinine question, but I have to ask - am I still coming with you to *event*?

 

Him: I'm not brushing you off but I have something important to take care of, I will text you later.

 

At this point, I knew the answer was no, but I just told him that I hope everything was okay, ttyl. Then, around 8:30 pm I get this:

 

Him: I just walked in from work and I am climbing straight into bed. My parents are coming for coffee in the morning. We'll have to catch up later. I don't know about the event. I think it would be an awkward 5 hours.

 

(What I want to say is no ****, that is why I wanted to talk to you before hand and figure out are we continuing this or not, this is ridiculous! But I don't, it takes me 40 minutes to craft this reply)

 

Me: Okay. I am sorry you had another long work day. I'm sure the stress of last night didn't help any, and I'm sorry for that. I hope you get a good night's sleep.

 

Do I just give up and let it go? There is so much I want to say. I love this man, and I thought he felt the same. I feel like if he loved me, he'd be willing to at least discuss this to see if it is something we can resolve. Right now, I am not even so sure what "it" is that we need to resolve, but I can only assume it is because I cannot be with him spontaneously, and we had discussed that thoroughly at the beginning of our relationship. I feel it too, though ... there is something difficult about the days we get to spend together and play house, then my kids come back home and it ends. And that is something that is not going to change, so either he accepts that I am a mother first and we try to come up with a compromise, something that meets both of our needs, or we can't. But I need to know what his needs are in order to do that! And that, he doesn't express them.

 

I am a single parent of 3 teenagers (well, one going on 20 so he is very independent) but he has known this since the day we met that I have commitments at home. I make it a priority to make time for him every week and every weekend. Every week, I feel like he waits for my availability to plan things, he almost never ever initiates plans himself, but then he seems to resent me for this. How can he hold me accountable for 'not being available' if he doesn't try to see me on other days??? Right now, I realize I am just guessing at what his problem is, but this is what I can conclude from our conversation. And maybe, at this point, he is evaluating whether or not he wants to be tied down to someone with children.

 

What do I do? There is so much I want to say to him, even if we decide to part ways. I don't want to regret not saying everything, laying it out on the table and if it can't work out, at least I know we tried. How much time do I give him? I can't help but think if he loved me, he'd see me to talk about this, but that is because that is how I'd handle it, and I realize we are different people. And, part of me thinks he is really not being fair in how he is handling this, I didn't really do anything wrong (sent question marks, waited 9 minutes to respond?).

[Gaeta]

You really have developed the art of fighting about...nothing.

 

You are making a big deal out of thin air.

 

So you're on text with him, you misunderstand something because of a delayed text. You get all offended and defensive and you ask him if you can continue the conversation later. What man wants to continue a fight later?

 

Then you insist on talking it out....talking about what exactly? Again men hate 'talking it out' and I understand your BF for not wanting to continue a talk about....nothing.

 

You got confused while texting, let it go. At the moment you realized the cause of the confusion you should have dropped it right there and go back to being happy bubbly.

 

Also, you've been dating a year, you really think your BF would break up over text with you? Do you always assume he wants to leave the relationship each time you have a difference?

[NuevoYorko]

Hi, newheart. I just happened upon your thread because I am struggling with communication problems myself. I looked at all the threads you posted. I feel that you have been sabotaging this relationship from the beginning. From where I sit, any relationship would be hard pressed to hold up through all the scrutiny and intensive analyzing.

 

It seems that you really have love for each other. If you two get through this, or even if you don't, I think it would be a good idea to consider some kind of counseling for yourself to help deal with your anxiety.

 

Hoping for the best for you.

[Satu]

Texts:

 

The worst possible medium for discussing anything important.

 

Take care.

[newheart]

You really have developed the art of fighting about...nothing.

 

You are making a big deal out of thin air.

 

So you're on text with him, you misunderstand something because of a delayed text. You get all offended and defensive and you ask him if you can continue the conversation later. What man wants to continue a fight later?

 

Then you insist on talking it out....talking about what exactly? Again men hate 'talking it out' and I understand your BF for not wanting to continue a talk about....nothing.

 

You got confused while texting, let it go. At the moment you realized the cause of the confusion you should have dropped it right there and go back to being happy bubbly.

 

Also, you've been dating a year, you really think your BF would break up over text with you? Do you always assume he wants to leave the relationship each time you have a difference?

 

Hi Gaeta,

 

Yes and No, I guess I need to clarify ... I called him on the way home because I hadn't responded to his text, he wrote "nevermind", and so I just wanted to talk to him because I felt like something was wrong. I didn't fight about the text - my initial reaction I had with my friend was WTF, but I didn't harp on that with him. However, what happened when I called him, he started saying I was not available, we only do things around my schedule, etc. It was clear to me that this was about much more, so that is why I wanted to talk to him in person.

 

And, he has refused to see me so far and cancelled our plans today, so yes, you are right, I guess I do assume the worst, which seems to be coming true.

 

I am not sure I can fix it this time.

[newheart]

Texts:

 

The worst possible medium for discussing anything important.

 

Take care.

 

Precisely ... that is why I called him instead and wanted to talk in person, but he isn't interested in seeing me.

[newheart]

Hi, newheart. I just happened upon your thread because I am struggling with communication problems myself. I looked at all the threads you posted. I feel that you have been sabotaging this relationship from the beginning. From where I sit, any relationship would be hard pressed to hold up through all the scrutiny and intensive analyzing.

 

It seems that you really have love for each other. If you two get through this, or even if you don't, I think it would be a good idea to consider some kind of counseling for yourself to help deal with your anxiety.

 

Hoping for the best for you.

 

Thank you, NY. I am in counseling, I go weekly. Believe it or not, it HAS helped tremendously.

[BaileyB]

Wow, that is some difficulty with communication. And really, because both of you have made assumptions and then, things got really carried away...

 

It is really not good for your relationship when you have been seeing him for a year and yet, things get so blown out of perspective over some misunderstood text messages that you could break up.

 

I would like to think that you've built a better foundation of trust and communication such that something really stupid could be understood and forgiven and wouldn't have this kind of affect on your relationship.

 

What you are fighting about is nothing. How are you going to handle the really tough things in life?

 

What has your communication been like to this point? Have you argued before and how has he handled the disagreement?

 

Based on how you have described his response to the situation, he sounds like a pouting child and he does not communicate well when he is upset. These are BIG red flags when you are looking for a MAN to be your PARTNER.

 

I'm sorry this happened, it is a mess. You need to apologize for your part in the miscommunication and then pay attention to how he responds - does he treat you with kindness and respect, can he accept responsibility for his part in this problem and communicate with you.

Edited October 1, 2016 by BaileyB

[newheart]

Wow, that is some difficulty with communication. And really, because both of you have made assumptions and then, things got really carried away...

 

It is really not good for your relationship when you have been seeing him for a year and yet, thing get so blown out of perspective over some misunderstood text messages that you could break up.

 

I would like to think that you've built a better foundation of trust and communication such that something really stupid could be understood and forgiven and wouldn't have this kind of affect on your relationship.

 

What you are fighting about is nothing. How are you going to handle the really tough things in life?

 

What has your communication been like to this point? Have you argued before and how has he handled the disagreement?

 

Based on how you have described his response to the situation, he sounds like a pouting child and he does not communicate well when he is upset. These are BIG red flags when you are looking for a MAN to be your PARTNER.

 

I'm sorry this happened, it is a mess. You need to apologize for your part in the miscommunication and then pay attention to how he responds - does he treat you with kindness and respect, can he accept responsibility for his part in this problem and communicate with you.

 

We've never had an argument like this before, so I'm at a loss. For the most part, I'm the one to over-analyze/overreact, but before I actually ACT on it, I usually come here and am able to reel myself in with guidance from you guys who give me a dose of reality! So as far as having anything of this magnitude, I just don't know. I also feel like this was over nothing ... I am completely at a loss as to how this has happened.

 

I do recognize that I made a mistake in saying I am picking up my personal belongings, but I misunderstood him, he clarified, and I immediately apologized.

 

Anyway, I don't know what to do now. He cancelled our plans for today, something he bought tickets to months ago. He hasn't reached out to talk to me yet, and I've asked/offered twice yesterday. On one hand, I think I should just give him space and let him come to me. On the other hand, I don't think the way he treating me is fair, and I am thinking of offering to talk one last time.

 

What should I do?

[BaileyB]

You made two assumptions - you assumed from the first text that he was not treating you well/breaking up with you. And then you made another assumption that he was so upset that it was over and you should pick up your stuff.

 

He is obviously unhappy and frustrated with the whole situation, including the fact that you over reacted. No doubt, you don't want to pressure him to talk and continue to beat a dead horse.

 

However, it is not ok for him to give you the cold shoulder and stop talking to you. The adult response would be to at least say, "Hey, it was a misunderstanding and I'm sorry about that." The fact that he hasn't done this gives you some insight into who he is and how he responds to conflict (not well).

 

I would lay low for a while... Then maybe send him a short text to say "I'm sorry for the miscommunication. I over reacted and I'm sorry. I'd like to see you again." Don't tell him that you need to talk and put pressure on him. In an ideal world, he would want to talk about things so that you could move forward such that this doesn't happen again. But for now, I personally would rise above - apologize and just move forward. But, I'd be very watchful of his response because what you've described is not great...

 

I would think, when you have been dating for a while and there is some feeling for each other, that you should both be able to give the other the benefit of the doubt and be kind to each other. How you settle a dispute - without destroying the others character - is a really important indicator of the kind of person you are dating.

 

Best of luck to you.

Edited October 1, 2016 by BaileyB

[anna121]

I would not reach out to him again. You've made an overture and he has declined.

 

The ball really IS in his court.

 

I'm sorry, but I think you need to get in the mindset that this is over. If he reaches out, I would refuse to engage until you can speak in person. You two really do not seem like a good match communication-wise and I would think carefully before giving this another go.

[Poutrew]

I am a single parent of 3 teenagers

 

Thing is, if you do patch things up with him, you will find yourself in the unenviable role of being mommy to 4 teenagers - only one of them you 'll be having occasional sex with...

 

This guy sounds like he can't process information in a fair manner. This will always be cropping up in your relationship with him, only you wont know anything is amiss until the next time he goes Mount Vesuvius on you. Does this really sound like how you want to spend your time - 3 months fine, then BANG!!; three month fine, then BANG!! ? Let him go. Find a more mature specimen.

[newheart]

Hi everyone,

 

After feeling sorry for myself most of the day, I finally decided to get out of the house and felt a little better. I have not reached out to him at all. I guess I was hoping for a miraculous turnaround ... I thought that we could take this incident and learn from it, understand our communication (and communication issues) and our relationship would grow. But as more time goes by, I get a little more angry/disappointed. It is okay to take some space, but I just feel like he may be overreacting. (Ha, that is funny coming from me!) And none of it makes sense, coming from how well everything has been going ... it is like a complete 360. I have never felt so disposable.

 

I will see how I feel tomorrow ... while I want an opportunity to have a face to face discussion with him (and I love the guy), on the other hand, if he is going to break up with me over this I wish he'd just do it already.

[newheart]

Okay, so while I shouldn't have called him tipsy on Thursday and somehow ended up arguing over absolutely nothing, I still have no idea what the heart of the matter really was and what is going on. I understand giving him space, but at what point does it become unfair to me to leave me hanging like this, after a one year relationship? I fully realize that this may be the end of the relationship, and that breaks my heart but may be what is best if we cannot communicate. That said, I still want to talk to him - I still need to tie up some lose ends with him.

 

I think I am going to leave him a voicemail and tell him that I really would like to see him today, and ask him to text me a time. I am on the fence - do I keep it simple, or do I try to explain my position (because I may not get another opportunity?) Ughhh ...

[Mrin]

Okay, so while I shouldn't have called him tipsy on Thursday and somehow ended up arguing over absolutely nothing, I still have no idea what the heart of the matter really was and what is going on. I understand giving him space, but at what point does it become unfair to me to leave me hanging like this, after a one year relationship? I fully realize that this may be the end of the relationship, and that breaks my heart but may be what is best if we cannot communicate. That said, I still want to talk to him - I still need to tie up some lose ends with him.

 

I think I am going to leave him a voicemail and tell him that I really would like to see him today, and ask him to text me a time. I am on the fence - do I keep it simple, or do I try to explain my position (because I may not get another opportunity?) Ughhh ...

 

Neither. Don't call him.

[BaileyB]

If you need to talk with him, call him. Keep it simple - you have not done well by text or on the phone this week. If you would like to try and keep the relationship, you would do better to see him and talk with him.

 

It's not fair for him to leave you hanging like this. It's not a grown up response and it shows he has very poor communication skills/conflict resolution skills.

 

If you meet with him, you will know a lot by how he responds. If he responds with kindness and forgiveness, there may be something to save... If you want to save the relationship. If he continues to be an ass, then... don't let the door hit you on the way out, my friend. He is not worth your time.

Edited October 2, 2016 by BaileyB

[anna121]

Don't call him.

[newheart]

Neither. Don't call him.

 

Yeahhhh ... too late. I left a vm saying that I'd like to see him today to discuss this, to please text me with a time that worked for him.

 

I got a text back within a couple minutes that said sorry, he wasn't ignoring my call, he is at the office working on month end billing stuff, and that he has to get this done today to run tomorrow and won't be able to meet me today.

 

He also said he is understanding of my feelings, but that I should try to understand his feelings too.

 

I responded by laying it all out - that he was right, but I don't know what his feelings are so that is why we need to talk. I was confused with what was going on, that after a year I'd expect he cared enough to have a discussion with me about this, even if he didn't want to talk, to hear me out. I said that this may be it for us, or maybe it is something we can work through, but I'd like to talk about it.

 

He responded that he does care about me, he is not mad about it, he is not blaming me, he can tell that I am upset but he just cannot meet me today. He's not trying to be mean, he just cant.

 

I said I understood, and that I just hated having this unresolved over us for several days now, and that I hoped all was okay.

 

He w/b that it was, but that he committed to this job and wished he hadn't, and couldn't back out now. I said sorry you have to work again, hope it goes well.

 

I am glad he engaged in conversation with me and I do understand there is this work commitment this time of the month for him, though I am sure he will be home by the evening so I know there isn't really a reason why he couldn't make a half hour for me other than this being more about him not knowing what he wants, and I think our little misunderstanding likely gave him an excuse. Or to suggest tomorrow.

 

My plan: no contact, therapy tomorrow, see what she thinks, go from there.

 

If we do get together to discuss, while I realize I have anxiety issues, his communication skills suck and I am not sure it meshes with my issues.

[newheart]

If you need to talk with him, call him. Keep it simple - you have not done well by text or on the phone this week. If you would like to try and keep the relationship, you would do better to see him and talk with him.

 

It's not fair for him to leave you hanging like this. It's not a grown up response and it shows he has very poor communication skills/conflict resolution skills.

 

If you meet with him, you will know a lot by how he responds. If he responds with kindness and forgiveness, there may be something to save... If you want to save the relationship. If he continues to be an ass, then... don't let the door hit you on the way out, my friend. He is not worth your time.

 

I agree, and if we were to consider continuing this relationship, his communication needs to change. I don't know if he sees this about himself, and I honestly don't know if he can change it. I know that with my type of personality, I cannot be with a person who cannot discuss conflict. In person, he is very affectionate and a great listener - it is the separation that always seems to cause issues between us.

 

Despite this, I am hoping by the fact that he told me he cares, etc. doesn't mean he has decided he has given up on us, and that perhaps we can work through this. I just don't know.

[anna121]

I do not think he is intentionally jerking you around, but it seems clear to me that his communication and attachment style is radically inadequate to your personality and needs. For example, if I were in your shoes I would be upset but hell would freeze over before I would have reached out to him today.

 

I think I read that he is 42 years old. I suspect you are correct and there is very little chance he will change.

[NuevoYorko]

Thing is, if you do patch things up with him, you will find yourself in the unenviable role of being mommy to 4 teenagers - only one of them you 'll be having occasional sex with...

 

This guy sounds like he can't process information in a fair manner.

I don't know any more than what I've read on newheart's threads, but from that, I have to disagree with this.

 

Consistently since the first one, a year ago, I get the impression that the man has been upfront with his feelings and proceeding with this relationship in a pretty straightforward way. I'm sure he's done stuff wrong but the problems I've read about have been with newheart's insecurity and over analyzing, and then reacting to her own insecurity and (probably) mistaken analysis. It's had to be in a relationship that is subjected to this on an ongoing basis. After a while, it will come to a breaking point.

 

newheart - I don't mean to pick on you in your hour of trouble. But I do think that he is mostly just finally throwing up his hands. I speak from experience.

[BaileyB]

It sounds like you did ok. You said what you needed to say in a polite and respectful way. You should feel proud of that.

 

Now, I think the ball is in his court. Don't chase him. You have apologized and told him how you feel. You have given him some space and then made the first step to meet to talk about things. Either he will take you up on that, or he will not.

 

As I've said, I'm a little worried about how he has chosen to handle this conflict. You need to find out if this is how things will go in the future and if you can live with this... Because it's unlikely that his skills will charge - unless he really sees that there is a problem and wants to do differently.

 

And, you need to work on your anxiety such that a misunderstood text message doesn't make you think that he's breaking up with you... Good that you are going to your counsellor tomorrow.

 

Best of luck to you.

[preraph]

This whole thing is your doing, not his. I agree with Satu that texting isn't working for you two and you should both agree to set texting completely aside for now. You are the one making things complicated and fraught with problems. You are misinterpreting every single thing he does or says. You also both need to agree on frequency of contact. And again, stop texting for the time being and when you resume, stop texting for no reason and then getting mad if the other has something more important to so than text "I miss you too" back when they do not miss you since they're in the middle of something else.

 

Call and tell him you realize you're an insecure mess who misinterprets things without thinking them through or waiting for clarity and that in order for you to learn to be a better communicator, you wonder if he'd agree to a moratorium on texting and also for you two to make a communication schedule and put those rules into place.

 

I'm sure in his mind, him having to deal with all your confusion on an ongoing basis, he's thinking aboutt he future if he took you on as his wife and is thinking "No, I don't want to deal with that for the rest of my life."

[newheart]

I don't know any more than what I've read on newheart's threads, but from that, I have to disagree with this.

 

Consistently since the first one, a year ago, I get the impression that the man has been upfront with his feelings and proceeding with this relationship in a pretty straightforward way. I'm sure he's done stuff wrong but the problems I've read about have been with newheart's insecurity and over analyzing, and then reacting to her own insecurity and (probably) mistaken analysis. It's had to be in a relationship that is subjected to this on an ongoing basis. After a while, it will come to a breaking point.

 

newheart - I don't mean to pick on you in your hour of trouble. But I do think that he is mostly just finally throwing up his hands. I speak from experience.

 

No offense taken, NY. I appreciate your honesty, and I completely agree. Sometimes I think I am doing so well, but when I took a step back yesterday I read through months of texts to my BFF about my relationship, and even during our best times when he did nothing wrong, I questioned everything. I didn't do this directly with him/to him, but I am sure that despite my best efforts, I wasn't able to hide all my fears and insecurities.

 

I never told him I am in therapy. He is aware of the fact I had a pretty horrendous childhood, but no details. He's always been encouraging and expressed that he thinks it makes me a pretty awesome person for overcoming so much. Maybe I need to divulge that I go to therapy for this relationship anxiety. I guess I don't really have much to lose now.

[newheart]

It sounds like you did ok. You said what you needed to say in a polite and respectful way. You should feel proud of that.

 

Now, I think the ball is in his court. Don't chase him. You have apologized and told him how you feel. You have given him some space and then made the first step to meet to talk about things. Either he will take you up on that, or he will not.

 

As I've said, I'm a little worried about how he has chosen to handle this conflict. You need to find out if this is how things will go in the future and if you can live with this... Because it's unlikely that his skills will charge - unless he really sees that there is a problem and wants to do differently.

 

And, you need to work on your anxiety such that a misunderstood text message doesn't make you think that he's breaking up with you... Good that you are going to your counsellor tomorrow.

 

Best of luck to you.

 

Thank you, BaileyB. I appreciate the support. I was really on the fence about reaching out, but ultimately I am glad I did. I am sad, I just miss him.