Terrible miscommunication, now he won't talk ... long

[NuevoYorko]

Sometimes it's hard to be aware of what "space" means to some people.

 

For me, when there's a conflict in a relationship, I need space to process whatever is troubling me. I need to come around to my own conclusions about it. A loved one calling, texting, asking me what's wrong and can we talk when I'm in this phase really puts me off. I feel that they are disrespecting my need (well communicated to them) to sort through my feelings and thoughts. Their need to have their insecurities assuaged should not supersede my need to have that space.

 

Once I've processed, then is the time for me to talk it through.

 

I understand that this may seem unfair to the person who feels shut out, but you can't get blood from a stone. If I don't know how I am feeling yet, talking about it only adds confusion and alienates me from the other person.

 

Also I understand that this behavior of mine could be easily used for manipulation (to push the other person's insecurity buttons, to hurt them) or even as a cowardly way to ghost on someone. I really don't though. I will talk it through once I'm on steady ground myself, even if the outcome is not positive for the relationship.

 

Just thought it might help you to look at this from a different perspective, and I really do hope it works out for you and him.

[newheart]

Thanks everyone ...

 

So, I heard from him. It isn't going well. He basically said he is confused, I broke up with him, said I was picking up my personal belongings, said we weren't on the same page and he wasn't available ... etc. etc. (I did not say these last two things at all, and again, I can only explain why I reacted that way to thinking he broke up with me how many times? Without an opportunity to discuss in person)

 

Annnnnddd what happened next is exactly what I never wanted to happen. I sent a text to try to clarify a couple things, explained (yet again) I didn't break up with him and I had immediately that evening apologized and explained my mistake the moment he clarified his intentions. I went on to ask to please discuss together as adults, no texting, no bs, no cocktails (for me! lol) and that I do not want to throw away a good year in a good relationship for one argument that started over a miscommunication. I then screwed up ... big time ... I thought, F it, I will just say I will see him tonight to discuss. Then he said that telling me I am coming over is not the best course of action, and he understands I am upset but this is spiraling out of control. I tried to make light of it and said Lol, I know I figured I'd try a different approach, let me try again ... can we please talk tonight?

 

Ugh, I have lost all self respect. I sit here in my office with letters I have prepared the last few weeks for him for our special day today, doing this.

[newheart]

And he doesn't want to see me. Won't be pressured into talking to me when he's not ready. So, I need to let go.

[Zahara]

I posted on one of your previous threads when you were in a similar predicament. Having been in a relationship with a passive aggressive person and one that often handled conflict just as your boyfriend is doing, at some point, you have to just let it go. You either walk away or you wait for when he is ready to come to you.

 

Space is good but when he is leaving you in an indefinite spot, it becomes cruel. I have to wonder if this is his way of teaching you a lesson because that is what passive aggressives do. The more he makes you sit in your insecurity the better the lesson learned. This way, you'll learn never to cross him and that in turn will also condition you to walk on eggshells. OR he could be using this as an excuse to end it.

 

Maybe he's really confused but remembering your past threads, and knowing he is bad at communication/passive, at some point you need to ask yourself if this is something you really want to tolerate in the long run.

[newheart]

I posted on one of your previous threads when you were in a similar predicament. Having been in a relationship with a passive aggressive person and one that often handled conflict just as your boyfriend is doing, at some point, you have to just let it go. You either walk away or you wait for when he is ready to come to you.

 

Space is good but when he is leaving you in an indefinite spot, it becomes cruel. I have to wonder if this is his way of teaching you a lesson because that is what passive aggressives do. The more he makes you sit in your insecurity the better the lesson learned. This way, you'll learn never to cross him and that in turn will also condition you to walk on eggshells. OR he could be using this as an excuse to end it.

 

Maybe he's really confused but remembering your past threads, and knowing he is bad at communication/passive, at some point you need to ask yourself if this is something you really want to tolerate in the long run.

 

Thank you Zahara ... right now, I am heartbroken and can only think about the good things I will miss (which really are many), but you are right. I don't think I can be in a happy, healthy relationship with someone who is passive/aggressive and shuts down on me.

 

Update:

 

I don't think it matters ... he considers us broken up from our talk, he isn't ready to talk, he said he is trying to be considerate of my feelings but won't be bullied or pressured into talking when he is not ready. That comment was it for me ... I may not be perfect, but I have needs and feelings too, and I am in no way a bully.

 

I was so stunned by this, and heartbroken. I was probably too kind in my response. I told him I tried to ask him seriously, I tried to have a lighthearted approach, I tried to give him time and space, without having a clue of how much he needed or what was wrong. I apologized for my terrible mistake, but he seemed hurt last week and I only wanted to fix this and let him know this was important to me. And, as cheesy as it sounds, I pushed today because it is the anniversary of our first date, and it was special to me, and I did not think what had transpired made us irreparably broken. I had no idea we were in such different places, and I was terribly sorry for my mistakes.

 

I told him that I would not contact him again, but I was there if he ever needed to talk.

 

I am kind of kicking myself for adding the last part ... I should have left it as I wouldn't contact him again. I don't know ... just heartbroken.

 

I know he still said "he is trying to be considerate of my feelings" and seems to imply he's just not ready, but I can't sit around waiting for that day because this is too much.

[Zahara]

Thank you Zahara ... right now, I am heartbroken and can only think about the good things I will miss (which really are many), but you are right. I don't think I can be in a happy, healthy relationship with someone who is passive/aggressive and shuts down on me.

 

And that is normal. I completely understand. I did the very same thing, and each and every time ignoring the bigger picture -- but at the end of the day, it always came back to bite me. This is who he is and I know that aside from that, I am sure you had good times.

 

I don't think it matters ... he considers us broken up from our talk, he isn't ready to talk, he said he is trying to be considerate of my feelings but won't be bullied or pressured into talking when he is not ready. That comment was it for me ... I may not be perfect, but I have needs and feelings too, and I am in no way a bully.

 

And this is why I think it's becoming a manipulative tool to condition you under his terms. There's nothing considerate about shutting someone out. I understand the concept of space, but to leave someone in an indefinite state is cruel. I'm going to say this again -- he's likely doing it to punish you or he's doing it because he has been looking to end it and what would be the best way to do it than to pin it on you.

 

Don't contact him again. And if he does contact you, which I think he will, please think about the bigger picture.

 

All this therapy is counter productive when you're stuck in a situation that's constantly feeding the monster inside you.

[newheart]

And this is why I think it's becoming a manipulative tool to condition you under his terms. There's nothing considerate about shutting someone out. I understand the concept of space, but to leave someone in an indefinite state is cruel. I'm going to say this again -- he's likely doing it to punish you or he's doing it because he has been looking to end it and what would be the best way to do it than to pin it on you.

 

Don't contact him again. And if he does contact you, which I think he will, please think about the bigger picture.

 

All this therapy is counter productive when you're stuck in a situation that's constantly feeding the monster inside you.

 

I wonder if this is it ... earlier when he texted that I broke up with him, he said I said we were on different pages and he wasn't available. Either, he is doing what you mentioned above or really extremely confused because I never said either of those things.

[anna121]

Basically what I am getting here is that he considers you broken up already and is treating your request to get together as one between exes.

 

Either we cannot take your accounts of your interactions with him at face value, OR he is delusional, OR he is extremely, frighteningly manipulative.

 

I'm sorry, but I would "NEXT" this one and block further means of communication. He is no good. In fact, I am quite sure that he is a rat fink.

 

No more kindness, no more prostrating yourself. He is an ass****.

 

I really am sorry.

[Zahara]

I wonder if this is it ... earlier when he texted that I broke up with him, he said I said we were on different pages and he wasn't available. Either, he is doing what you mentioned above or really extremely confused because I never said either of those things.

 

I don't think he is confused. I think he knows what he is doing.

 

"The one that cares the least has the most power."

[eightytwenty]

To me it sounds like this was his way of getting out of a relationship, and he won.

[NuevoYorko]

And he doesn't want to see me. Won't be pressured into talking to me when he's not ready. So, I need to let go.

Did you read what I posted? I have a feeling that he and I function in a similar fashion.

 

Back way off. If he wants to work this out, he will come to you. If he doesn't, he won't. That will be painful, but would you want to be with him if it were ultimately just because you would not give him any space to decide for himself?

 

Also - sorry to be blunt, but WHY WHY WHY did you send that text? I thought it was firmly established that none of this type of communication should be happening via text.

[NuevoYorko]

 

Space is good but when he is leaving you in an indefinite spot, it becomes cruel. I have to wonder if this is his way of teaching you a lesson because that is what passive aggressives do. The more he makes you sit in your insecurity the better the lesson learned.

I don't know, but maybe it's unfair to label the guy as passive aggressive because he is trying to process. The troubling event happened one week ago and according to this thread, so far no space has been given to him. As long as he doesn't get any time to process without any pressure to make OP feel better, time passing really doesn't count.

 

If OP could actually let it go for 2 days, perhaps, then she (IMO) would have grounds for requiring him to communicate where he's at. If I were in your position, OP, I would make sure he knows that I wanted to be together, and that I am giving him space to process for himself (so he doesn't think you're "out"). Then I would leave him alone for 2 days.

[Gaeta]

Sounds like someone was looking for a way out and found it.

 

He also sounds like someone who has been accumulating resentment. Probably resentment you know nothing about.

 

He is done. Just too coward to say so

[hippychick3]

Newhart, you have been way too kind to this man. Way more than he deserves. I totally agree with Zahara in regards to his passive aggressiveness. In your shoes, I would be LIVID at his lack of communication. It would have been a deal breaker for me before your therapy session.

 

It's one thing to need space for a few hours.... more than a day or 2 after a year together would not fly for me.

 

You're too kind and forgiving. You deserve far better.

[newheart]

I don't know, but maybe it's unfair to label the guy as passive aggressive because he is trying to process. The troubling event happened one week ago and according to this thread, so far no space has been given to him. As long as he doesn't get any time to process without any pressure to make OP feel better, time passing really doesn't count.

 

If OP could actually let it go for 2 days, perhaps, then she (IMO) would have grounds for requiring him to communicate where he's at. If I were in your position, OP, I would make sure he knows that I wanted to be together, and that I am giving him space to process for himself (so he doesn't think you're "out"). Then I would leave him alone for 2 days.

 

It has been five days. After I asked him Friday to talk, I left him alone until Sunday. I asked Sunday morning if we could talk, he was working, so I left him alone until Tuesday. I get it, give him space, but I wasn't exactly badgering him. I did not ask him to engage in the reason behind our disagreement via text, didn't try to work it out via text, only asked him to talk to me in person.

 

Today, my text was a little more in depth (for the reason you stated above) letting him know that he was important to me, this relationship was a priority, because many felt that he may not feel he is a priority to me, and based on his remarks about my availability, I wanted him to know my intent. I didn't ask if we could talk today initially (thought I wanted to, because I am ridiculous and our first date was one year ago today), I asked when he'd want to talk. I am not sure if you read what his response was - but it was that I broke it off, blah blah blah, and now he is confused. I guess I don't need to rehash it, all downhill from there.

 

I apologized, I told him I wouldn't contact him again, and I will not. (Eventually, I will need to because I have a kayak there, but it isn't kayaking season anymore so no rush)

 

I get what you are saying NY, but I still feel shut out. He didn't ask for space, he didn't say he had an issue with x, y, z, I didn't know he considered us broken up. I feel like this is the easy way out for him, maybe. What doesn't add up is that this is not how he acted or ever treated me in person. When I left him last week, he initiated several upcoming plans, said what a nice weekend it was, couldn't wait for next weekend ... etc. etc. Somehow between Tuesday and Thursday, I didn't speak to him, and all hell broke loose? Doesn't make sense.

 

I am rambling now. Sigh.

[newheart]

Sounds like someone was looking for a way out and found it.

 

He also sounds like someone who has been accumulating resentment. Probably resentment you know nothing about.

 

He is done. Just too coward to say so

 

It breaks my heart to say, I am leaning this way too. I never thought he'd be this way though. I sensed he has a little resentment about my schedule, but I am a mom first, always will be. I have really made sacrifices and compromises, and have almost never turned down an opportunity to see him. I can only assume this was a factor based on his 'availability' rant.

[newheart]

Sometimes it's hard to be aware of what "space" means to some people.

 

For me, when there's a conflict in a relationship, I need space to process whatever is troubling me. I need to come around to my own conclusions about it. A loved one calling, texting, asking me what's wrong and can we talk when I'm in this phase really puts me off. I feel that they are disrespecting my need (well communicated to them) to sort through my feelings and thoughts. Their need to have their insecurities assuaged should not supersede my need to have that space.

 

Once I've processed, then is the time for me to talk it through.

 

I understand that this may seem unfair to the person who feels shut out, but you can't get blood from a stone. If I don't know how I am feeling yet, talking about it only adds confusion and alienates me from the other person.

 

Also I understand that this behavior of mine could be easily used for manipulation (to push the other person's insecurity buttons, to hurt them) or even as a cowardly way to ghost on someone. I really don't though. I will talk it through once I'm on steady ground myself, even if the outcome is not positive for the relationship.

 

Just thought it might help you to look at this from a different perspective, and I really do hope it works out for you and him.

 

NY - I want to add that yes, I agree with you when this is done fairly, just as you outlined in the part I bolded below. But, you are talking about a situation where you are communicating that you have a need for space. I am talking about an argument, I ask to talk it out in person, he says no, he is going to bed, having coffee out with parents, won't have time. Two days goes by, not a word from him. I ask again, no, he is working. Do you see what I mean? And this is not the typical way we communicate.

 

I admit I have relationship anxiety and any unresolved conflict is very uncomfortable to me, but if he said "No, I need time think about this" and perhaps an idea of when I could check in again, isn't that something I deserve?

 

Maybe I just cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have my same communication style.

[hippychick3]

NY - I want to add that yes, I agree with you when this is done fairly, just as you outlined in the part I bolded below. But, you are talking about a situation where you are communicating that you have a need for space. I am talking about an argument, I ask to talk it out in person, he says no, he is going to bed, having coffee out with parents, won't have time. Two days goes by, not a word from him. I ask again, no, he is working. Do you see what I mean? And this is not the typical way we communicate.

 

I admit I have relationship anxiety and any unresolved conflict is very uncomfortable to me, but if he said "No, I need time think about this" and perhaps an idea of when I could check in again, isn't that something I deserve?

 

Maybe I just cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have my same communication style.

 

It's actually normal to be uncomfortable with unresolved conflict in a relationship. Please don't blame your anxiety. Most people in a loving relationship aren't comfortable with unresolved conflict and want to fix things as soon as possible. It shouldn't take more than a few hours to cool off after an argument. Find someone who is willing to communicate with you when there are issues and who doesn't hold grudges. Passive aggressiveness is one of the worst traits in a partner. It's actually a form of emotional abuse.

[Zahara]

I admit I have relationship anxiety and any unresolved conflict is very uncomfortable to me, but if he said "No, I need time think about this" and perhaps an idea of when I could check in again, isn't that something I deserve?

 

In any relationship, unresolved conflict will cause discomfort. The healthy thing to do would be to communicate the need for space and to agree to come together at a certain time to discuss the situation. Yes, you are absolutely deserving of that decency. Leaving someone in the dark for a week is passive aggressive. I understand you have a heightened level of anxiety but what he's doing to you would drive anyone up the wall, so don't blame yourself for trying to resolve and move forward.

 

Maybe I just cannot be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have my same communication style.

 

I don't think a relationship can survive when communication is a problem. Passive aggressiveness is a form of emotional abuse.

[Gaeta]

Newheart: If I remember well he is not a parent? And his dissatisfaction due to your schedule was already existing in your last thread. I think even though you thought you were in a healthy relationship, he on his end was accumulating frustration.

 

By curiosity what is his relationship history? Is it possible he is inexperienced?

 

I want you to know that the right man will cause you no reasons to experience anxiety. If you are anxious in a relationship it's because something is wrong. You need a man that is open to dialog and a man expressive of his feelings.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. You have done all you could and more. You sound like a great lady and you deserve much better than be treated like this.

 

When you meet the right one you'll understand why this one was not for you.

[Zahara]

I want you to know that the right man will cause you no reasons to experience anxiety. If you are anxious in a relationship it's because something is wrong. You need a man that is open to dialog and a man expressive of his feelings.

 

^^ This ^^

 

I speak from experience. When you meet a man that is expressive and is able to communicate openly and honestly, you'll look back and wonder why in heaven's name you tolerated such behavior.

 

For your sake, I hope he leaves you alone. You deserve much better than this.

[newheart]

Newheart: If I remember well he is not a parent? And his dissatisfaction due to your schedule was already existing in your last thread. I think even though you thought you were in a healthy relationship, he on his end was accumulating frustration.

 

By curiosity what is his relationship history? Is it possible he is inexperienced?

 

I want you to know that the right man will cause you no reasons to experience anxiety. If you are anxious in a relationship it's because something is wrong. You need a man that is open to dialog and a man expressive of his feelings.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. You have done all you could and more. You sound like a great lady and you deserve much better than be treated like this.

 

When you meet the right one you'll understand why this one was not for you.

 

Yes, you are right. No children, never dated anyone with children. Always wanted children of his own, but he was divorced before they had children. He is good with kids, things always seemed positive, I didn't see this as a problem until the last few months. But still, he never directly said a word ... I just felt that there was a subtle difference. He'd be happy when we were playing house, but when I'd go back I wouldn't hear from him and he seemed off. I really wanted to an opportunity to discuss this with him and work through this .... but I can't with someone like this.

 

Thank you Gaeta, and everyone else for being so supportive. Usually I come here and it is something else I am figuring I am overreacting about. And maybe, initially yes, the stupid argument we had last week was an overreaction, but I guess it revealed a different part of him that was important to me see.

 

It just hurts.

[preraph]

Anxiety belongs to the person who has it. Someone can't give it to you. I've only known a few truly secure people in my lifetime, granted, but here's what they do when someone leaves them hanging. They say, Oh, well, I know I can find someone else and they leave the door wide open for them to go. If a guy leaves them waiting and is late, they either leave and go do something else or they confront them about it and send them packing. Basically the secure person's attitude is "their loss."

[lilmissjava]

The guy needs therapy.

 

Not you.

[Gaeta]

I am an over all confident woman with a good sense of self worth, and even I have experienced anxiety while in the wrong relationship.

 

In my previous relationship I experienced anxiety on daily basis. I didn't feel secure, I felt like I was always standing on a ridge about to fall. I knew deep down he was not invested as much as I was. I could not put it into words but my brain knew. Turns out I was right (well my brain was right) and he ghosted after 6 months.

 

In my current relationship I experience 0 anxiety.

 

So yes, I believe anxiety can be caused by being with the wrong partner.