Terrible miscommunication, now he won't talk ... long

[BaileyB]

I'm so sorry to hear how things have turned out.

 

Yes, I too agree that in the right relationship, you shouldn't feel a lot of anxiety. This means, he is probably not the right person for you. A few days of silence, this passive aggressive response to dealing with conflict, and the communication he has offered would not be enough for me. In this situation, I think most everyone would be anxious about resolving the conflict with their partner. So, don't feel badly about the anxiety you have been feeling - I think that is a very normal response to the situation.

 

You should be proud of yourself for being the bigger person - accepting responsibility for your part in the miscommunication, apologizing, and extending your hand to him... I'm very sorry that he didn't take it.

 

You will learn from this, painful as it is. You will learn more about yourself and how to manage your anxiety. And, you will learn more about communicating with a partner/resolving conflict in a relationship. You deserve someone who communicates with you, cares for you, and treats you with great kindness. I hope you find that someday.

Edited October 5, 2016 by BaileyB

[Lorenza]

So sorry you're hurting, OP

 

But this thread is so important and there's so much to learn from this story.

 

OP is the typical example of someone with an anxious attachement style and her ex avoidant/dismissive.

 

Two worlds, two different ways of problem solving.

 

I went down this road many times too, misunderstood, drew too rash conclusions and things spiralled out of control.

 

The thing is, the anxious one is usually the one who loses. The dismissive one can get their peace by simply ignoring and shutting down, but the anxious one can't get theirs until their avoidant partner does first.

 

It is unfair.

 

Date people with the same attachement style or learn to get your peace on your own, without resolving things on the spot.

 

Because anxious people can't win.

 

And the worst is, we empower the dismissive ones by our misery. We make them feel right and end up being the crazy ones. Even though we're not.

[newheart]

I'm so sorry to hear how things have turned out.

 

Yes, I too agree that in the right relationship, you shouldn't feel a lot of anxiety. This means, he is probably not the right person for you. A few days of silence, this passive aggressive response to dealing with conflict, and the communication he has offered would not be enough for me. In this situation, I think most everyone would be anxious about resolving the conflict with their partner. So, don't feel badly about the anxiety you have been feeling - I think that is a very normal response to the situation.

 

You should be proud of yourself for being the bigger person - accepting responsibility for your part in the miscommunication, apologizing, and extending your hand to him... I'm very sorry that he didn't take it.

 

You will learn from this, painful as it is. You will learn more about yourself and how to manage your anxiety. And, you will learn more about communicating with a partner/resolving conflict in a relationship. You deserve someone who communicates with you, cares for you, and treats you with great kindness. I hope you find that someday.

 

Thanks, Bailey. I really appreciate it. I have had more anxiety with him than any others, and I mistakenly labeled this anxiety as being induced by the fact that this was the right man, someone I was so committed to, that I had an increased fear of loss - greater than any other relationships I have had before. I guess I was completely mistaking what the root of that anxiety was. It is true, sadly, that I was more invested in this man than my ex husband or my most recent long term relationship of ten years. I really thought he was the one (ugh, I hate saying that).

 

Gaeta described a previous relationship of hers that involved anxiety, always feeling on the edge, which was probably because he wasn't as invested. I think she summed up my relationship well.

 

Thank you all.

[newheart]

So sorry you're hurting, OP

 

But this thread is so important and there's so much to learn from this story.

 

OP is the typical example of someone with an anxious attachement style and her ex avoidant/dismissive.

 

Two worlds, two different ways of problem solving.

 

I went down this road many times too, misunderstood, drew too rash conclusions and things spiralled out of control.

 

The thing is, the anxious one is usually the one who loses. The dismissive one can get their peace by simply ignoring and shutting down, but the anxious one can't get theirs until their avoidant partner does first.

 

It is unfair.

 

Date people with the same attachement style or learn to get your peace on your own, without resolving things on the spot.

 

Because anxious people can't win.

 

And the worst is, we empower the dismissive ones by our misery. We make them feel right and end up being the crazy ones. Even though we're not.

 

Hi Lorenza,

 

I am familiar with attachment styles (the book Attached! is great) and I would agree with your assessment. So the funny thing is, in the first 3 months of my relationship, I read this book again to try to remind myself of my attachment style, why I feel the way I do. I decided that he was a "secure" attachment - ha!

 

It wasn't until 9 months in that I started noticing (or really acknowledging, I guess, as I usually just assumed it was my issue) his communication issues, and of course this recent debacle that would cause me to agree with you that he is an avoidant - which I believe, is the absolute worst type of person for me to become involved in. And that kind of sucks, because how do I determine this earlier on in a relationship next time, so this doesn't happen again? Sigh.

Edited October 5, 2016 by newheart

[NuevoYorko]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It would be nice if I were right, and he just needed his space to figure out that he really needs to be with you.

 

Regarding your anxiety: I am not sure that if one is in the "right" relationship they won't feel anxious - IF they have an issue with anxiety on their own. The right relationship won't alleviate that. So, what I'm saying is, don't stop working with your counselor on your own anxiety problems, just for the betterment of your own life.

[newheart]

I'm sorry you are going through this. It would be nice if I were right, and he just needed his space to figure out that he really needs to be with you.

 

Regarding your anxiety: I am not sure that if one is in the "right" relationship they won't feel anxious - IF they have an issue with anxiety on their own. The right relationship won't alleviate that. So, what I'm saying is, don't stop working with your counselor on your own anxiety problems, just for the betterment of your own life.

 

Thank you, NY. I think I will always have some relationship anxiety, and that is my responsibility to manage. But I also think I need to realize that there are certain types of communication styles that just will not work for me. And, I certainly will not give up working on this for myself.

 

It would be nice if you were right, but I also know I can't go through this again. Your example of respectfully communicating a need for space is a lot different than my experience the last few days. And in a nutshell, if he really thought I broke up with him and I am telling him this is all one terrible misunderstanding and he wanted to reverse this, he would have said so.

 

I know it really doesn't matter anymore, but for now, I just can't reconcile his actions in person, how he treated me, and these last several days.

[BaileyB]

Thanks, Bailey. I really appreciate it. I have had more anxiety with him than any others, and I mistakenly labeled this anxiety as being induced by the fact that this was the right man, someone I was so committed to, that I had an increased fear of loss - greater than any other relationships I have had before. I guess I was completely mistaking what the root of that anxiety was. It is true, sadly, that I was more invested in this man than my ex husband or my most recent long term relationship of ten years. I really thought he was the one (ugh, I hate saying that).

 

Gaeta described a previous relationship of hers that involved anxiety, always feeling on the edge, which was probably because he wasn't as invested. I think she summed up my relationship well.

 

Thank you all.

 

Just to offer... I have dated many men over the years searching for a good relationship. I will be the first to say that dating has caused me much anxiety over the years... To the point that I wondered if it would really happen for me because it just never felt "right."

 

When I met my boyfriend, it felt "right" and easy pretty early in the process. I'm not going to say that I have had no anxiety (because early on when I thought I knew what he was thinking but it wasn't really clear yet I had a few moments of anxiety)... But, compared to trying to make it work with others that were not right for me... There has been little to no anxiety within this relationship. It's a healthy relationship, he is respectful and kind to me, and communication has been easy... It is sooooo different!

 

So yes, if you are an anxious person, you will always have some moments of anxiety. But, when you meet the right person, I think you will know it because it will just feel different...

 

Good luck to you!

Edited October 5, 2016 by BaileyB

[Lorenza]

Hi Lorenza,

 

I am familiar with attachment styles (the book Attached! is great) and I would agree with your assessment. So the funny thing is, in the first 3 months of my relationship, I read this book again to try to remind myself of my attachment style, why I feel the way I do. I decided that he was a "secure" attachment - ha!

 

It wasn't until 9 months in that I started noticing (or really acknowledging, I guess, as I usually just assumed it was my issue) his communication issues, and of course this recent debacle that would cause me to agree with you that he is an avoidant - which I believe, is the absolute worst type of person for me to become involved in. And that kind of sucks, because how do I determine this earlier on in a relationship next time, so this doesn't happen again? Sigh.

 

 

Yes, it can be hard to tell in the beginning, but the signs are usually there. Of course, even the dismissive ones can act differently when the initial feelings hit and they are high on oxytocin...

 

My recent ex was also an avoidant attachement. First 3-4 months I though his attachement style matched mine, even though there were obvious signs it didn't. I was taken aback when it all changed and "messed up" many times as well. Just like you, I couldn't find my peace on my own.

 

Those people are the worst like someone like you or me, OP. They will always get their way, but not we. It's good to learn to manage anxiety and be able to function without resolving things immediately and without feeling like everything is falling apart if we don't get an answer asap. But we shouldn't be the ones who always compromises... That's why it's not good for us, anxious people, to date dismissers. In my experience, they rarely compromise.

[Frank13]

I just read through this thread and I'll give you my take on this.

 

New Heart, you played the "break up" card. Not only did you play the break up card, you played it over a foolish misunderstanding.

 

Many people here want to bastardize the bf for being passive aggressive but you were trying to manipulate him with your break up card response and he knows it. No one wants to feel they are being manipulated. No one wants to be with someone who they constantly have to worry about threatening to break up. The fact you did it over the such a trivial misunderstanding showed him you will do it over anything. No one wants to have to walk on eggshells.

 

Another possibility is that by playing the break up card over a simple text misunderstanding so quickly and effortlessly made him feel you just don't value him or relationship that much.

 

His entire thing at the end is that you broke up with him. He communicated this very clearly yet you failed to connect the dots. So who has the communication problem?

 

Yes you apologized but the damage was already done. Almost everyone here thinks negatively of the bf but you are the one who showed your true character and it wasn't good.

 

Had this happened to me your personal stuff would have been out on the sidewalk that night. It's almost like the "My way or the highway" type person. When they give me that attitude I have their stuff out by the curb with a taxi wating to take THEM down the highway.

[newheart]

I just read through this thread and I'll give you my take on this.

 

New Heart, you played the "break up" card. Not only did you play the break up card, you played it over a foolish misunderstanding.

 

Many people here want to bastardize the bf for being passive aggressive but you were trying to manipulate him with your break up card response and he knows it. No one wants to feel they are being manipulated. No one wants to be with someone who they constantly have to worry about threatening to break up. The fact you did it over the such a trivial misunderstanding showed him you will do it over anything. No one wants to have to walk on eggshells.

 

Another possibility is that by playing the break up card over a simple text misunderstanding so quickly and effortlessly made him feel you just don't value him or relationship that much.

 

His entire thing at the end is that you broke up with him. He communicated this very clearly yet you failed to connect the dots. So who has the communication problem?

 

Yes you apologized but the damage was already done. Almost everyone here thinks negatively of the bf but you are the one who showed your true character and it wasn't good.

 

Had this happened to me your personal stuff would have been out on the sidewalk that night. It's almost like the "My way or the highway" type person. When they give me that attitude I have their stuff out by the curb with a taxi wating to take THEM down the highway.

 

Frank,

 

I screwed up. Yes, I was that insecure that due to an argument over nothing at all, when he refused to see me, I thought he meant for good. I responded by telling him I was upset (or heartbroken, I can't remember which word I used), but I'd respect his wishes. There was an awkward pause, and I said I'd be in touch to get my stuff in a couple weeks. I made a mistake, and while I realize that people do break up with people to be a manipulative, I promise this was not my intention. In that terrible few seconds, I truly thought he meant he didn't want to see me again.

 

I am not trying to make him out to be a bad person. He isn't a bad person. I am still sitting here heartbroken, and I love the man. I made a mistake. I worried for the entire weekend that his perception is that our relationship wasn't important to me - that is why I told him this was a misunderstanding, that I was so sorry, that I wanted to talk to him in person so we could work through this. But, I honestly have never been cut off by anyone from a one year relationship, for a mistake, for a misunderstanding, in what was really our first heated disagreement ever (over absolutely nonsense). To not even have a chance to discuss? I must not have meant what I thought to him.

 

And his communication is not perfect ... I am not a mind reader, but my mistake is that I should have addressed this sooner. I should have told him sometimes I didn't know what it was he wanted or needed from me in our relationship, but I was afraid of causing an issue, I don't know. It's stupid. Clearly, I do also have communication issues.

 

However, you are wrong about my character. I made a mistake, I am a work in progress, but I am not manipulative.

 

Thank you for your perspective.

[newheart]

Yes, it can be hard to tell in the beginning, but the signs are usually there. Of course, even the dismissive ones can act differently when the initial feelings hit and they are high on oxytocin...

 

My recent ex was also an avoidant attachement. First 3-4 months I though his attachement style matched mine, even though there were obvious signs it didn't. I was taken aback when it all changed and "messed up" many times as well. Just like you, I couldn't find my peace on my own.

 

Those people are the worst like someone like you or me, OP. They will always get their way, but not we. It's good to learn to manage anxiety and be able to function without resolving things immediately and without feeling like everything is falling apart if we don't get an answer asap. But we shouldn't be the ones who always compromises... That's why it's not good for us, anxious people, to date dismissers. In my experience, they rarely compromise.

 

Thanks, Lorenza. I will have to work on my anxiety a lot more than I thought, I guess. Or my radar on others, I don't know.

 

I still don't understand what happened, tonight I am just feeling like this is something I did. I guess being a week ago right this moment we were having this ridiculous argument. I just don't get how he walked away so easily.

[josi334]

Hi Newheart,

I've been following your thread and just want to say you seem like a sweet, loving person. I just want to say be kind to yourself. Yes, you made a silly mistake in a moment of frustration, we all have done that including myself, but more importantly you acknowledged and took responsibility. You tried to resolve in a loving way, made yourself vulnerable and you should be proud with yourself. Unfortunately its not just in your hands to resolve that, although you tried the best possible way. So be in peace and continue be loving!

Hope you remember this when you feel like tonight!

 

hugs to you!

[Lorenza]

I just read through this thread and I'll give you my take on this.

 

New Heart, you played the "break up" card. Not only did you play the break up card, you played it over a foolish misunderstanding.

 

Many people here want to bastardize the bf for being passive aggressive but you were trying to manipulate him with your break up card response and he knows it. No one wants to feel they are being manipulated. No one wants to be with someone who they constantly have to worry about threatening to break up. The fact you did it over the such a trivial misunderstanding showed him you will do it over anything. No one wants to have to walk on eggshells.

 

Another possibility is that by playing the break up card over a simple text misunderstanding so quickly and effortlessly made him feel you just don't value him or relationship that much.

 

His entire thing at the end is that you broke up with him. He communicated this very clearly yet you failed to connect the dots. So who has the communication problem?

 

Yes you apologized but the damage was already done. Almost everyone here thinks negatively of the bf but you are the one who showed your true character and it wasn't good.

 

Had this happened to me your personal stuff would have been out on the sidewalk that night. It's almost like the "My way or the highway" type person. When they give me that attitude I have their stuff out by the curb with a taxi wating to take THEM down the highway.

 

Everyone has a right to form their own opinion, but if you really think THAT'S manipulation, you don't understand anxiety at all. Or don't want to understand.

 

Funny thing is I have also been called manipulative when there was not even a hint of manipulation in my mind.

 

With anxiety disorder, your brain goes into a fight or flight mode during situations that maybe don't even require such a strong reaction.

 

You can start panicking and get defensive in 1 sec, from a state of being completely calm and peaceful.

 

It really bugs me, that OP clearly said she's got anxiety and is in therapy and there are still people like Frank who come and tell her how her stuff would be out on the sidewalk the same night, for something she cannot really control.

 

You don't have to be together with an anxious person if you don't want to, but what's the point in being all self-righteous and kicking someone who's already down by taking such harsh measures and throwing their stuff out, calling them manipulative etc. Either you don't understand mental disorders or you just like to feel like to be in the position of power.

 

 

 

I'm 100% sure the OP wasn't being manipulative and what you called "a breakup-card" was an immediate defense against something her brain perceived as something hurtful coming her way.

[newheart]

Hi Newheart,

I've been following your thread and just want to say you seem like a sweet, loving person. I just want to say be kind to yourself. Yes, you made a silly mistake in a moment of frustration, we all have done that including myself, but more importantly you acknowledged and took responsibility. You tried to resolve in a loving way, made yourself vulnerable and you should be proud with yourself. Unfortunately its not just in your hands to resolve that, although you tried the best possible way. So be in peace and continue be loving!

Hope you remember this when you feel like tonight!

 

hugs to you!

 

Thank you, Josi. That is very kind of you to say. I know it doesn't make sense to many people, and I realize it doesn't make sense to him and I will never get the opportunity for him to understand, but I reacted the way I did because I loved him and my efforts to fix that weren't enough. I see that now, and I know I made mistakes. Anyway, thank you.

[Gaeta]

Frank,

 

I screwed up. Yes, I was that insecure that due to an argument over nothing at all, when he refused to see me, I thought he meant for good. I responded by telling him I was upset (or heartbroken, I can't remember which word I used), but I'd respect his wishes. There was an awkward pause, and I said I'd be in touch to get my stuff in a couple weeks. I made a mistake, and while I realize that people do break up with people to be a manipulative, I promise this was not my intention. In that terrible few seconds, I truly thought he meant he didn't want to see me again.

 

I am not trying to make him out to be a bad person. He isn't a bad person. I am still sitting here heartbroken, and I love the man. I made a mistake. I worried for the entire weekend that his perception is that our relationship wasn't important to me - that is why I told him this was a misunderstanding, that I was so sorry, that I wanted to talk to him in person so we could work through this. But, I honestly have never been cut off by anyone from a one year relationship, for a mistake, for a misunderstanding, in what was really our first heated disagreement ever (over absolutely nonsense). To not even have a chance to discuss? I must not have meant what I thought to him.

 

And his communication is not perfect ... I am not a mind reader, but my mistake is that I should have addressed this sooner. I should have told him sometimes I didn't know what it was he wanted or needed from me in our relationship, but I was afraid of causing an issue, I don't know. It's stupid. Clearly, I do also have communication issues.

 

However, you are wrong about my character. I made a mistake, I am a work in progress, but I am not manipulative.

 

Thank you for your perspective.

 

You have done nothing wrong that deserved a silence treatment followed by a break up. You recognized you over-reacted, you apologized more than once. You are in a 1 year relationship it's normal to expect your BF to show some openness to talk about it and to offer each other some explanations and each your perspective. If he is unwilling to to work on a miscommunication than he is not long term material.

[SunnySide0418]

I'm just curious.. did you guys say I love you to each other? I think he acted very immature by not even speaking to you about it after one year. He obviously has issues of his own. Next time try dating a man with kids. From my experience if they don't have kids they just don't get it and tend to be on the immature side.

[Alamo657]

Yours is a perfect example why i dislike texting alot. It acts as a substitute for contact, without the nuances and intricacy of real world interactions.

 

It give you the illusion that you're in contact, while in fact, you are having stunted exchanges about meaningless subjects.

 

Misunderstandings, relationship exhaustion, diverting people from building a REAL relationship in the real world, that's what texting/messaging brings people.

 

Sure it's all hearts and flowers at first, and it gives you a virtual fix of the other person, but it's definitely not worth what happens later, where people got used to communicating via text, and forgot that seeing each others and doing things together is the basis of the relationship, not the texting.

 

Anyway, face the facts : you acted all crazy, and he pulled away, now the situation is, he is avoiding you, and one can understand why, he doens't need to be in a relationship with a person who gets crazy over texting, lack of texting, wrong texting.

 

Use it as a learning experience, and also realize that you're a bit needy.

[Gaeta]

you acted all crazy, and he pulled away, now the situation is, he is avoiding you, and one can understand why, he doens't need to be in a relationship with a person who gets crazy over texting, lack of texting, wrong texting.

 

I hope after 1 year dating I can go 'crazy' once and that won't cause BF to ditched me without a word. We are not talking cheating or abuse or any type of betrayal here. We are talking a 1 time miscommunication that got blown out of proportion. This has happened to any couple over the years I am sure.

[newheart]

I guess it is time for me to really acknowledge that this is where I should be posting.

 

How do you let go without closure? Closure sounds stupid ... I never realized it was a true thing, until here I sit at 39 years old, out of a one year relationship without any communication. The argument/misunderstanding happened 9 days ago, and he "wasn't ready" to talk. It was something ridiculous, a mistake, our first real argument, so I realize there must have been something bigger on his mind that caused this, gave him an out. But even so, we had a great year, is he that much of a coward that he can't just couldn't say this wasn't working for him?

 

Last night I got a text that said he was exhausted, hasn't been feeling well, was having a rough month, that he "wasn't adverse to talking" and that he "almost certainly knew what I was going to say" though he still wasn't sure what he was going to say. WTF does that mean? At first I was pissed, thinking he was assuming I'd beg for him back, but honestly I don't think he has that much self confidence or is forward enough to say that. I am really dying to know what this means ... anyway, texted him this morning and said okay, if you are open to a conversation let me know day/time. No reply at all, which is new - through this, the few times I have texted him, he has always responded and said he was trying to be understanding of my feelings, he cares about me, blah blah blah.

 

So maybe we will really never get to talk, which is so bizarre to me. I mean, we aren't in high school. I cycle between heartbreak and devastation, to anger at how poorly I feel he has treated me by just refusing to talk to me. I can't focus at work, miserable at home. Then sometimes, I am worried about him too ... I can't reconcile this behavior with the man I knew and loved.

 

At this point, I realize I can't be in a relationship with a man that completely shuts me out when there is conflict, and obviously doesn't care about me like I thought ... but I still have this terribly intense desire to explain to him my perspective of the last misunderstanding, and a few other things, before moving on. I've just never experienced anything like this, ever.

 

I figured that if he really isn't going to talk to me ever again, I will send an email so I can at least have peace of mind, even though it won't replace a conversation. I still do have to see him to pick up some things at his house, which is no rush, but I hate having it over my head that that still needs to happen.

 

How do you cope? Does it just eventually get better?

[stillafool]

There are allot of people breaking up these days that do not want a confrontation, they just want to move on. He says he knows what your questions are but doesn't know what he's going to say. That means he really has no explanation he just wants it to end. He probably was never as invested in the relationship as you and used whatever your last argument/misunderstanding as his excuse to exit the relationship. This is happening allot lately. The only closure you will get will come from you. Any questions he answers will just bring about more questions no granting you any peace of mind.

[newheart]

There are allot of people breaking up these days that do not want a confrontation, they just want to move on. He says he knows what your questions are but doesn't know what he's going to say. That means he really has no explanation he just wants it to end. He probably was never as invested in the relationship as you and used whatever your last argument/misunderstanding as his excuse to exit the relationship. This is happening allot lately. The only closure you will get will come from you. Any questions he answers will just bring about more questions no granting you any peace of mind.

 

As hard as that was to read, thank you. I didn't even consider his remark to be about my questions, I guess, and now that seems so obvious. It hurts to think he wasn't as invested, it never occurred to me. I thought, actually, that part of the reason he ended it was because he thought I wasn't as invested.

 

I've never had a relationship that just vanished. Should I bother with the email then?

[JewelD]

As hard as that was to read, thank you. I didn't even consider his remark to be about my questions, I guess, and now that seems so obvious. It hurts to think he wasn't as invested, it never occurred to me. I thought, actually, that part of the reason he ended it was because he thought I wasn't as invested.

 

I've never had a relationship that just vanished. Should I bother with the email then?

 

No. It's not going to make anything better.

[newheart]

You know what else is bothering me, and maybe should have been a red flag ... when I asked him about his divorce, he said he didn't know what went wrong - that she just upped and left him without an explanation, everything had been great, etc. ... but he acknowledged how hurtful that was. Not that I am comparing our year to their marriage, but if he's been through that himself, why would he want to do that to me?

[Redhead14]

You know what else is bothering me, and maybe should have been a red flag ... when I asked him about his divorce, he said he didn't know what went wrong - that she just upped and left him without an explanation, everything had been great, etc. ... but he acknowledged how hurtful that was. Not that I am comparing our year to their marriage, but if he's been through that himself, why would he want to do that to me?

 

why would he want to do that to me -- It's not about you . . . it's about him.

 

The ex left for a reason . . . and you likely witnessed a replay . . .

[newheart]

why would he want to do that to me -- It's not about you . . . it's about him.

 

The ex left for a reason . . . and you likely witnessed a replay . . .

 

I am sure you are right ... just hard to understand.