Terrible miscommunication, now he won't talk ... long

[Poutrew]

You know what else is bothering me, and maybe should have been a red flag ... when I asked him about his divorce, he said he didn't know what went wrong - that she just upped and left him without an explanation, everything had been great, etc. ... but he acknowledged how hurtful that was. Not that I am comparing our year to their marriage, but if he's been through that himself, why would he want to do that to me?

 

What he said is not what his wife did to him, it is what he did to his wife. He just reversed roles when he told you to make it sound better for him - but he has done the same thing to you... be glad you are rid of him. I have a friend who broke up with her BF. She said it was he who bailed, that he wasn't ready for marriage. 3 years later he is a happily married man to the woman who rushed to fill her shoes, and she is still unmarried, and living with a woman "to save rent" but calls her 'the wife'... (a whole 'nother story...). So he was giving you the truth, but just reversing the roles... If you absolutely need your stuff at his house, tell him to have it on the driveway on a particular day and you'll pick it up without a confrontation or even a 'hello'. I bet he'll take you up on it...Sorry it worked out this way, but if it had gone on you'd eventually be the 2nd ex wife he would be telling his next girlfriend about you just up and leaving him...

[Dis]

Hi Hun

 

I've followed your threads for awhile and can relate alot to you, your feelings of anxiety/relationship struggles etc etc. You sound like such a sweet, kind hearted person who deserves the best

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. When I first read this thread I thought, Noooo!!! Because I wanted this to work out for you so badly...mostly because I know you've worked so hard at tackling your anxiety...btw...the other posters are right about having anxiety when your with the wrong guy...back in August I was with a guy who was cheating on me...I didnt know at the time...but I had horrible anxiety the entire time I was with him..only to walk in on him in bed with another women 3 months later...mystery solved!!!

 

About the closure...the closure you need and will actually get is going to come from you...not him. For example....when I broke up with a different ex, I found out he was cheating....and I dont know why but I felt like all his previous behaviors (lying, avoiding me, cheating, disrepecting) answered all the questions I had about him and why he did the things he did. The thing is...all the information you need to know about him...has already been given you. Now it the time to grieve and put those pieces together.

 

And if you want to write to him to explain your feelings...do so on a piece of paper then....rip it up..burn it....flush it down the toilet etc etc. Do not give him the courtsey of hearing from you...he does not deserve that and it wont do any good for you

 

I think your half way there to realizing that reaching out to him is a dead end street. Its not going to get you anywhere. From here on out...look to yourself when you need closure or have questions....chances are as time passes you'll realize more and more little tid bits that will give you closure and answer your questions. Thats what it was like with my break ups

 

But at the end of the day hun, pls remember how strong you are. Anxiety does not equate to weakness...dealing with anxiety/relationship issues requires alot of strength to process....and thats what your doing. Now...you're going to rely on your own strength to guide you while you close the door on him..(NC 100%)...and post here!

 

We're all here for you girly! You seem like such a sweetheart and you truly do deserve a guy that would be there for you through thick and thin...not someone that yould leave you hanging like this guy did.

 

Be patient and kind to yourself...sending you lots of love and hugs!!! Xoxo

Edited October 9, 2016 by Disillusionment373

[newheart]

What he said is not what his wife did to him, it is what he did to his wife. He just reversed roles when he told you to make it sound better for him - but he has done the same thing to you... be glad you are rid of him. I have a friend who broke up with her BF. She said it was he who bailed, that he wasn't ready for marriage. 3 years later he is a happily married man to the woman who rushed to fill her shoes, and she is still unmarried, and living with a woman "to save rent" but calls her 'the wife'... (a whole 'nother story...). So he was giving you the truth, but just reversing the roles... If you absolutely need your stuff at his house, tell him to have it on the driveway on a particular day and you'll pick it up without a confrontation or even a 'hello'. I bet he'll take you up on it...Sorry it worked out this way, but if it had gone on you'd eventually be the 2nd ex wife he would be telling his next girlfriend about you just up and leaving him...

 

Thank you ... you are probably right. I didn't consider that in a literal sense at least, being that he kept the house, the dogs, etc. but you are right in that he probably shut down to her just the same. I just feel so hurt that he couldn't even tell me why, no goodbye, etc. It just seems so mean, after what was a good year together.

 

I don't need the items there right now, though one is expensive and I will eventually want it. However, just having them there leaves the door open, if that makes sense. On the other hand, asking for him to leave them in the driveway, while I understand why you suggest that and I am sure this is the best way, just sounds so cold ... it isn't like I did anything bad to him that he can't face me, though I know now I should feel that way about him.

[newheart]

Hi Hun

 

I've followed your threads for awhile and can relate alot to you, your feelings of anxiety/relationship struggles etc etc. You sound like such a sweet, kind hearted person who deserves the best

 

I'm so sorry this happened to you. When I first read this thread I thought, Noooo!!! Because I wanted this to work out for you so badly...mostly because I know you've worked so hard at tackling your anxiety...btw...the other posters are right about having anxiety when your with the wrong guy...back in August I was with a guy who was cheating on me...I didnt know at the time...but I had horrible anxiety the entire time I was with him..only to walk in on him in bed with another women 3 months later...mystery solved!!!

 

About the closure...the closure you need and will actually get is going to come from you...not him. For example....when I broke up with a different ex, I found out he was cheating....and I dont know why but I felt like all his previous behaviors (lying, avoiding me, cheating, disrepecting) answered all the questions I had about him and why he did the things he did. The thing is...all the information you need to know about him...has already been given you. Now it the time to grieve and put those pieces together.

 

And if you want to write to him to explain your feelings...do so on a piece of paper then....rip it up..burn it....flush it down the toilet etc etc. Do not give him the courtsey of hearing from you...he does not deserve that and it wont do any good for you

 

I think your half way there to realizing that reaching out to him is a dead end street. Its not going to get you anywhere. From here on out...look to yourself when you need closure or have questions....chances are as time passes you'll realize more and more little tid bits that will give you closure and answer your questions. Thats what it was like with my break ups

 

But at the end of the day hun, pls remember how strong you are. Anxiety does not equate to weakness...dealing with anxiety/relationship issues requires alot of strength to process....and thats what your doing. Now...you're going to rely on your own strength to guide you while you close the door on him..(NC 100%)...and post here!

 

We're all here for you girly! You seem like such a sweetheart and you truly do deserve a guy that would be there for you through thick and thin...not someone that yould leave you hanging like this guy did.

 

Be patient and kind to yourself...sending you lots of love and hugs!!! Xoxo

 

Thank you, this was so sweet. I am, of course, crying reading this ... but I appreciate it so much.

 

I know I will get through it, I am strong, I will survive ... but do you ever just not want to have to be strong? Ever not want to just survive? I have been strong through many things in my life that most people only see in a movie. I have worked hard to live a different life, but I seem to always find dysfunction regardless. Or, just cause it.

 

I have a 'last letter' if you will, of what I wanted to say to him. First I was going to send an email, then I thought maybe I will just leave it when I pick up my stuff ... I know he doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve any insight into my heart at this point, and I understand why you say I should destroy it, but I am not ready yet. By the time I pick up my things, maybe I will come to the realization that he doesn't deserve it because he doesn't care, and I will change my mind. But, it's hard to believe he doesn't care, it just doesn't seem like him. I keep thinking, obsessing over everything in our relationship to try to figure out what I did wrong, what I could have done differently.

 

It drives me crazy not understanding. It was almost easier when my XH cheated, I didn't understand it ... but I was mad, had a reason to move on. And even he was respectful enough to have a conversation with me as to why he felt our breakdown happened.

 

Thank you again.

[newheart]

Does anyone know why this was blended into my previous post? I mean, I get that they are connected, but I really didn't want to keep posting on this and started a separate thread about closure and letting go ...

[anna121]

I think writing a letter to him can helpful to work out your feelings. Sending it to him is not.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but most of your instincts about what to do - whether in the moment or after reflection - have been wrong, or, at least, haven't gotten you the results you wanted. It's way past time for you to start resisting your impulses.

[newheart]

I think writing a letter to him can helpful to work out your feelings. Sending it to him is not.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, but most of your instincts about what to do - whether in the moment or after reflection - have been wrong, or, at least, haven't gotten you the results you wanted. It's way past time for you to start resisting your impulses.

 

I've been working on it all week in the absence of having any type of communication, and I don't really know if I will share it but I don't have any immediate intention to right now. I am thinking as I heal, I will not want to. I don't disagree with you that my impulses haven't led to the most productive communication.

[stillafool]

 

I don't need the items there right now, though one is expensive and I will eventually want it. However, just having them there leaves the door open, if that makes sense. On the other hand, asking for him to leave them in the driveway, while I understand why you suggest that and I am sure this is the best way, just sounds so cold ... it isn't like I did anything bad to him that he can't face me, though I know now I should feel that way about him.

 

Why are you leaving the door open for him when he has shut it on you? Do not leave your stuff there as an excuse to see him. It's too obvious. You have to be ready to move on as he requested.

[stillafool]

Does anyone know why this was blended into my previous post? I mean, I get that they are connected, but I really didn't want to keep posting on this and started a separate thread about closure and letting go ...

 

Maybe the Moderator combined the two.

[newheart]

Why are you leaving the door open for him when he has shut it on you? Do not leave your stuff there as an excuse to see him. It's too obvious. You have to be ready to move on as he requested.

 

No, I meant that that is the reason why I'd rather get them sooner than later, even though I don't need it - it is causing too much angst still having them there.

 

It just breaks my heart to say leave it in the driveway, I guess.

[josi334]

Newheart,

Don't ask for your things until you really need them and when you ask you don't have to ask him to leave in driveway. I would say I need the items and ask him which would be the best way for him to give to you. Then if he suggests he wants to give it to you, just pick it up and say thank you! Handle like a mature/adult person would - and you are this person!

 

I know you are hurting and feeling that he treated unfairly but forgive him in your heart, not for him but for you! Trying to understand why he treated that way and shut you down instead of just expressing to you how he really feels, will only lead to more anxiety and heartache!

 

I know you wanted closure from him, but if you just forgive him and not try to understand you will get closure to yourself! Forgiving him will empower you!

 

I understand he did not handle the situation in the way you expected from a man whom you thought cared about you and you cared for, but who knows what goes in his head ( maybe pride, maybe trying avoiding confrontation if broke up with you, maybe resentments that you don't even know, or his own insecurities about the relationship) but none of these are your faults, they are his own faults and lack of him being able to be self-expressive!

 

Think that this relationship would have bigger issues/ or end anyway sooner or later because you two lack compatibility in communication and maturity.

 

Its ok you feel sad when you need too but think of your future and all the great qualities you have to offer someone - someone who will really appreciate those on you!

 

Do not think that you screwed up - if he "really loved you" he would have tried to work things out with you and not walk away so easily ( especially that this is the first time you two had a problem). Think why you want to be with someone who does not truly love you?

[Dis]

Thank you, this was so sweet. I am, of course, crying reading this ... but I appreciate it so much.

 

I know I will get through it, I am strong, I will survive ... but do you ever just not want to have to be strong? Ever not want to just survive? I have been strong through many things in my life that most people only see in a movie. I have worked hard to live a different life, but I seem to always find dysfunction regardless. Or, just cause it.

 

I have a 'last letter' if you will, of what I wanted to say to him. First I was going to send an email, then I thought maybe I will just leave it when I pick up my stuff ... I know he doesn't deserve it, he doesn't deserve any insight into my heart at this point, and I understand why you say I should destroy it, but I am not ready yet. By the time I pick up my things, maybe I will come to the realization that he doesn't deserve it because he doesn't care, and I will change my mind. But, it's hard to believe he doesn't care, it just doesn't seem like him. I keep thinking, obsessing over everything in our relationship to try to figure out what I did wrong, what I could have done differently.

 

It drives me crazy not understanding. It was almost easier when my XH cheated, I didn't understand it ... but I was mad, had a reason to move on. And even he was respectful enough to have a conversation with me as to why he felt our breakdown happened.

 

Thank you again.

 

Hi girly

 

Yes...I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to be strong and surviving things that are only seen in the movies. I went was diagnosed with a chronic illness when I was 12. I suffered emensely until I was 23 when I recovered. I also suffered from physical abuse as a child...I think that illness and the abuse contributed to my dsyfunational relationships...I always think to myself....when will it be my time??? When will it be my time for consistency, love, and someone to hold onto who treats me like gold. I get it.

 

I understand your frustration in wanting to allow yourself to just fall apart. And I think you can do that at times...maybe at night when you're lying in your bed....let yourself ball your eyes out. Crying really helps release those negative emotions. Maybe on the weekends or whenever you dont have work or your kids....let yourself sit on the couch...cry and drink wine...eat cheetos. We cant be strong all the time. You need to grieve this loss. Let yourself do that...it will help you heal. One of the reasons why you're strong is because you allow yourself to feel

 

I think you're like me in the sense that you dont stiffle your emotions...kind of a double edged sword. On one hand it sucks to feel so much but on the other, feeling those emotions allows you to process them....heal...and move forward. I know people who constantly run from their emotions and problems...you can imagine how detrimental this is. Embrace your capacity to feel...it will do you good. Dont shame yourself for feeling sad/confused/heart broken....those are all normal feelings considering what happened to you. Now is the time for grieving...not yet healing...that'll happen down the road

 

And I can understand why you want to give him the letter. You want him to know your side of the story...how you feel...what his behavior has caused you....what you would do differently....what you wished things couldve been. I understand that. Maybe in some ways its a last ditch effort to make it work because you havent yet accepted its over (that will come in time). I would go ahead and write the letter. Then sit on it for awhile. As time passes your need to share it with him will lessen. But if you do share it with him...do so with the expectation that you will hear nothing from him...that your letter wont change a thing. If you cant have those realistic expectations...dont send it at all

 

It is really confusing how someone can go from loving you and caring about you...sharing moments with you...to dropping you out of the blue. Thats happened to me once too. I was in shock....I posted here, hence my username, Disillusionment....which I'm sure your feeling. I'm not sure why he flipped a switch like this...I have a feeling it was because of previous resentments...he mentioned to you that he felt like you didnt have time for him....maybe that built up then he shut down for good. But its so hard to accept the reality that someone can go from loving you with their whole hearts to not feeling anything at all....it cuts like a knife. When I broke up with my ex (together for 2.5 years) he had hurt me so much that my love for him shut down in a heartbeat. Maybe your ex's resentments (which seemed irrational considering you made plenty of time for him) caused him to shut down. Sometimes love can work like that...its burning hot one minute...resentments build...then its out like a light the next.

 

But the important thing is to never blame yourself....I can tell from your posts that you wouldve done anything to make him happy...so....him letting you go is HIS problem...it stems from HIS issues...not YOURS. When a relationship ends alot of people end up in the bargining stage of grief, "what could I have done differently, what did I do wrong that caused this, if only I couldve changed this or that." This is all normal to feel. But pls know that nothing you couldve done wouldve changed anything. He seems to have some serious issues...if he was a stable/healthy guy, one misunderstanding wouldnt have caused him to end the relationship...he wouldve faught for you. The end of your relationship is a reflection HIM not you. You did everything you could and then some

 

Keep posting....let yourself fall apart when you can...love yourself right now...reach out to friends/family....let others take care of you and you take care of yourself too Xoxo

[newheart]

I had a very hard time sleeping last night. It was the first night since the argument that I didn't take tylenol PM, to be honest. I had a crazy dream Saturday night (involving him, of course) and figured I needed to wean myself off.

 

I lay there until 2 am just not understanding how he just doesn't ever speak to me again ... and how, or why, he texted me on Friday about talking, then never replies. Like, why bother? It was one thing that it was hard enough to understand when he said he wasn't ready to talk, was confused and didn't know what to say. It is another entirely when says he is okay talking, then ignores my response entirely. To me, that is just cruel. Why bother telling me that at all? Why not just text then - I never want to talk to you again. Reading that would almost be easier.

 

And crazily enough, I am worried about him. His last text said he was exhausted, not feeling well, having a rough month, had an issue with his brother. With his then non-response, I wonder if he is in a bad place. This is all so bizarre ... I've received more respect from exes during high school, and it still seems so unlike him. I can't help but worry. And I know that this relationship with him is not healthy, it is not good, and I can't be in it. I just wish I could not love him, just as easily.

 

It is hard to focus at work.

[newheart]

Another semi-sleepless night, just laying there not understanding how someone could be so immature and just, cold. And yet at the same time, worrying about him.

 

I read my therapist my letter last night. She actually thinks I should give it to him for closure, as long as I do so with full understanding it is not about having a response, and that I will get no response. I don't know ... so as long as I don't know, there is nothing to do.

 

She also reminded me that we have a similar traumatic experience from our childhoods - my act of self preservation was to immediately assume he was breaking up with me and respond accordingly; this is his. Not that it excuses him, not at all. The difference is I have more self awareness and have been working on this, he has not. So, it would really never be a healthy relationship anyway.

 

It feels like I can't take a full breath anymore, it hurts. I wanted so badly to just lay back down in bed this morning after I got out of the shower, but I have meetings I can't cancel so here I am ... another day, not focusing.

[Zahara]

I think sending the letter is going to send you into another tizzy. You achieve closure by coming to terms with the reality of your situation. We often project our feelings and thoughts on others and believe that they will be accepting and emoting just as we are. They aren't -- I'm not sure why your therapist is encouraging you to keep digging at your wound.

 

Closure comes from within.

[anna121]

Agreed. That is shockingly bad advice from your therapist.

[newheart]

So yesterday I picked up my belongings and dropped off his. Against most of your advice (lol, sorry) I included my letter to him. I stand by that decision - it was a good letter – it was not gushy or asking for him back or anything of that nature, but it let him know that in an absence of a conversation to explain everything, I needed to lay out what happened the night of the argument, tell him my thoughts on his reference to my availability, and finally that I did not deserve to be treated this way as a goodbye.

 

Last night, I received a huge text from him. He read the letter. To paraphrase: He honestly believed that I ended our relationship or I was just trying to get a reaction out of him, he was blind, looking back he assumed and thought things that clearly were not true. He said he had some feelings of abandonment and confusion, focused on protecting himself and lost sight of my needs, at some point everything got so screwed up that he couldn’t take a step back and see clearly, his self-defense mechanism kicked in and he buried his head in the sand. He is heartbroken he did this, upset with himself, embarrassed by the way he treated me and acted. It isn’t who he is, he has no excuse, it was a not so funny comedy of errors and misunderstandings that he didn’t realize and couldn’t step back from. He said that this wasn’t something he used as an out, we had future plans. As our relationship grew, my availability became more of an issue and he continued to rely on me to just let me know when I was available instead of talking about it, and he wanted to talk about it but wasn’t sure what to say, not anything he would have ever ended our relationship over without discussing. He overreacted, he is genuinely sorry, he never wanted to hurt me, etc. etc.

 

But, he said in 3 places that he doesn’t expect me to understand or forgive him.

 

You know what sucks? I was right all along, he reacted as he projected some past trauma and his abilities to communicate and/or process his emotions are nonexistent. It doesn’t make me feel better … We literally got into an argument over a complete misunderstanding because I missed him, and he felt like we didn’t see each other enough. We broke up because we didn’t have enough of each other? It seems like such a waste. (Obviously I know there were communication issues, etc. but it feels like such a terrible thing to break up over)

 

In my defense, as a single mom, I still saw him between 2 and 4 times per week, and spent every other weekend with him when kids are away (as consistently as possible, at least). He knew this about me when we met, we discussed this at length because he had never dated a parent before. But, I thought it would work out – he loves kids, he has many of the same interests as my kids, and he is so big on family, half the time when my kids were away we were hosting game nights for his parents, and I loved it, I never minded. We never spoke about the next phase of us … I never knew what it was he wanted. My kids are teenagers, not babies. I would have been happy to give him more, if I just knew what he needed. Maybe it came down to that I just couldn't be with him all the time, I don't know.

 

This kind of sucks. It was better when I just thought he was a total d**k.

Edited October 24, 2016 by newheart

[stillafool]

So did he ask you to try again or are you still broken up? If you are still broken up do you at least feel that you got the closure you wanted?

[newheart]

So did he ask you to try again or are you still broken up? If you are still broken up do you at least feel that you got the closure you wanted?

 

He didn't ask to try again, and I am guessing that he doesn't want that or feel it is an option because he said he doesn't expect me to forgive him. ??? I don't know.

 

I got some closure ... I have the validation that I knew I wasn't entirely crazy, lol. But it is also painful to think that maybe this relationship could have been different if we had communicated better, so I still have the nagging, what if? sigh

[stillafool]

He didn't ask to try again, and I am guessing that he doesn't want that or feel it is an option because he said he doesn't expect me to forgive him. ??? I don't know.

 

I got some closure ... I have the validation that I knew I wasn't entirely crazy, lol. But it is also painful to think that maybe this relationship could have been different if we had communicated better, so I still have the nagging, what if? sigh

 

If he wanted you back he would have said "forgive me and let's try again". Anything less is just smoke and mirrors and the break up still stands. You will never get closure from him, just more confusion. Why didn't you just come out and ask him if he wanted to try again so you will know for sure and stop wondering. At least if he is honest about it you can move on and block him and heal.

[newheart]

If he wanted you back he would have said "forgive me and let's try again". Anything less is just smoke and mirrors and the break up still stands. You will never get closure from him, just more confusion. Why didn't you just come out and ask him if he wanted to try again so you will know for sure and stop wondering. At least if he is honest about it you can move on and block him and heal.

 

I guess I didn't ask because I felt the same as you - if he wanted that, he should have said so. He made this the mess that it is. He would have to work hard to earn my trust and communicate better, and he doesn't seem interested in doing that. I acknowledge I have a part in this, but I have the self awareness needed, and I don't think he does. Or doesn't care to.

 

He texted me a little while ago - Sorry about last night, I fell asleep. I hope you have a nice day. Thank you for the letter.

 

I don't know what he is apologizing for - we weren't mid conversation.

[Toodaloo]

Why oh why do people not just pick up the phone and speak to each other these days?

 

Texts can be misread, not delivered for hours...

 

So many things get thrown out of all proportion for the sake of a blinking text...

[newheart]

Why oh why do people not just pick up the phone and speak to each other these days?

 

Texts can be misread, not delivered for hours...

 

So many things get thrown out of all proportion for the sake of a blinking text...

 

True, that is how this all started, but I couldn't fix this because he refused to talk to me. Now he sends that, and I don't know what to say.

[hippychick3]

In the end, it is better to have someone who loves you and cares enough about you to fight for you and your relationship regardless of any emotional baggage. He wasn't and isn't able to do that. He let you go too easily and for that, I personally could never forget.

[Toodaloo]

True, that is how this all started, but I couldn't fix this because he refused to talk to me. Now he sends that, and I don't know what to say.

 

You say F*** off.

 

Sounds to me like he needs to learn a lesson and you are not his mother so leave him behind and march on.

 

He doesn't talk or communicate he takes the pussy way out and texts...

 

Get rid.