Terrible miscommunication, now he won't talk ... long

[newheart]

Hi everyone,

 

I wanted to post an update.

 

On Monday he reached out again about talking, so Tuesday night we finally sat down to discuss what transpired in person. Basically, he reiterated everything he texted Sunday. He couldn't explain nor justify his behavior, he had no excuse, he acknowledged this was his own fault and that I did not deserve such treatment. After the initial argument and my break up comment, when I asked to see him to explain to him, he thought I was trying to get a rise out of him or be manipulative. At some point, he started to realize he made a mistake but didn't know how to fix it and literally decided to try to pretend it never happened. All very unhealthy responses to conflict that do concern me, in particular because I've never done anything (nor would I ever) just to get a reaction from him, and I know this has happened to him before but he seems to be conditioned to automatically assume this is happening again. Anyway, there was a lot more ... we talked for four hours about what happened, how he interpreted everything, what I really meant when I said things and how everything just snowballed because he wouldn't communicate with me in person. We also discussed what he meant about my availability, and he took responsibility in that sometimes he felt like he didn't see me enough, but that he never expressed that to me either so I couldn't possibly know that.

 

He said he felt we had a good relationship and this being the first conflict in a year, if it were his choice, it's not worth throwing away. He also understood if I couldn't forgive him or was not willing to try again.

 

In the end, we talked about if we tried to fix this, he'd have to improve his communication (and me too, in certain areas). But most importantly, it is about how we deal with conflict. I basically beat a dead horse (I hate that saying, but you get my point) over that this can never, ever, ever happen again, it was extremely disrespectful and uncaring. I told him that I could only consider this if he agreed that when there is a disagreement or misunderstanding or whatever type of conflict, if he needed space to process it, he needs to tell me. Then we give it a day, and we come together to discuss in person, no matter what. Even if the outcome is to say F* you, I am done or to work through it, it needs to be said. He was in full agreement with that.

 

There was a lot of other discussion, but that was the gist of it. I am carefully proceeding, considering this an opportunity for a fresh start with increased communication, but aware that it will only work if we are both putting the effort in. I am doing this because (other than obviously caring about him), I am understanding with how past trauma impacts current relationships as I too had a similar childhood and am sympathetic with this. I know that I cannot be responsible for his actions though, and I cannot tolerate this again. Being our first conflict, I am willing to give this a shot. Worst case scenario if it doesn't work out, I will have no questions of "what if".

 

Thank you all for your support during this stressful, heartbreaking time. It was so appreciated!

[NuevoYorko]

 

After the initial argument and my break up comment, when I asked to see him to explain to him, he thought I was trying to get a rise out of him or be manipulative.

 

I don't intend to take the guy's side in this - as the thread went on, I started to think he was impossible. But I did feel the same way as he did about how you handled the situation in the beginning, and I would have had trouble dealing with it if I'd been in his shoes.

 

We went around in circles about this, and then he says (which I believe is the heart of the matter) something about my availability. That everything we do is always on my availability because I have this going on or that going on. I was confused because I pointed out that the reason we hadn't seen each other that week was due to his availability, and I always make time for him, and I am always the one to initiate plans. I mention giving him space and not hearing from him, and he said he hadn't heard from me all week (not exactly true) and that it was ****ty of me to say that. I then asked if we could talk about this in person Friday, because we weren't getting anywhere on the phone. I asked, "Are you available to talk about this tomorrow night?" and he replied rather coolly, "No, actually, I'm not" without further explanation or suggesting another day. I was taken aback, really. I interpreted that as he did not want to talk to me ever (not considering that I said "available") and I responded by saying, "Okay. Well, obviously I am very upset by this but I respect your wishes and appreciate your honesty. I will be in touch in a couple weeks to make arrangements to come get my personal stuff."

 

Basically, this thing escalated from miscommunication via text while you were out with friends, to you picking up your stuff.

 

Break up talk when there is some kind of conflict is really a deal breaker for me. I feel cornered. I've been in a relationship where this was a "go to" behavior and I will not, ever, be in another one where it is.

 

That said, there are obviously issues between you that have been building up for a year and then came to this dramatic head. I do wish you the best and I hope that both of you deal with things as they come up rather than allowing an avalanche to accumulate.

[newheart]

I don't intend to take the guy's side in this - as the thread went on, I started to think he was impossible. But I did feel the same way as he did about how you handled the situation in the beginning, and I would have had trouble dealing with it if I'd been in his shoes.

 

 

 

Basically, this thing escalated from miscommunication via text while you were out with friends, to you picking up your stuff.

 

Break up talk when there is some kind of conflict is really a deal breaker for me. I feel cornered. I've been in a relationship where this was a "go to" behavior and I will not, ever, be in another one where it is.

 

That said, there are obviously issues between you that have been building up for a year and then came to this dramatic head. I do wish you the best and I hope that both of you deal with things as they come up rather than allowing an avalanche to accumulate.

 

NY, I actually wholeheartedly agree with you about throwing out break up talk during conflict. It is really hurtful and can be manipulative, and that is just not me. Again, I thought he was the one who broke up with me, a terrible misunderstanding. When I responded to him breaking up with me, he went with it for some reason. Then, I thought I clarified it quickly once I realized my misunderstanding, but he doesn't remember that part at all. All in all, it was just quickly got out of hand, from nothing at all.

 

You are right about dealing with things as they happen ... I hope he feels comfortable and lets me in to know if/when he has any questions and concerns going forward, and I am going to definitely do the same.

 

Thank you!

[stillafool]

Why oh why do people not just pick up the phone and speak to each other these days?

 

 

 

...

 

Because they feel if they call you you will keep them on the phone and they don't want to be bothered with you that long.