Husband contacting 'old friend'. Help!

[geogeo]

Husband (34) and I (32) have been married 5 years. We have a 6 month old daughter. Since daughter was born husband and I have rarely spent time together and have only been intimate a few times. For this reason we began to grow apart simply because there was no intimacy.

 

Then I found out husband had been contacting this woman, for the past month who he says is just an old friend but he hid it from me. Deleting calls and texts from her. The only reason I found out was because I checked the phone records. At least 50 texts and 2 hour conversations a day while he is at work for the past month. So I know this woman is more than a friend because this is unlike him. In 5 years he never felt the need to chat so frequently with the opposite sex.

 

When I confronted him he said that he was not doing anything. I got upset that he would lie to me so I called him a liar and cheater along with some other terrible names.

 

Eventually he left and said he was tired of the drama and stayed at a friend house for the night.

 

He came back stating that he missed our daughter and apologized but still wanted a divorce since I talk down on him and he doesnt think I love him.

 

I promised to change and had been doing everyting he requested. Calling him to check in, saying I love you, cooking, and initiating physical contact. Eventually he became receptive and started to come around. Calling me baby, sleeping in the bed again (no sex) wearing his ring, no mention of divorce, etc. Basically back to normal.

 

Meanwhile, I am pretending to not know that he is still contacting this other woman all the time. But because he never really goes anywhere besides work, I didnt think it was something that needed to be addressed right now. my main focus was rebuilding the connection between us and then worry about the chatting with other woman later. Without mentioning my evidence, I told him that I know he is having affair. I said I understand that we have grown apart but that didnt give him a reason to cheat. I also said that I would do whatever it took to get us back on track, apologized for belittling him in the heat of the moment, and promised not to do it again. I also took responsibilty for my wrong doings and asked that he cut contact with this woman so that we could rebuild because I still love him and told him I did not want to divorce. His response was that he still loved me and had feelings for me but was unsure what to do (whether to leave or stay) since we had several ups and downs and he is tired of trying.

 

Up until yesterday, I was going to wait this out since it wasnt physical (I dont think). Then I found a hotel reservation made for tonight, out of town. He has a reservation for 2 adults. He said he was visiting his brother in another city an hour away.

 

I need help fast!!

 

Marriage has been a bit rocky but no infidelity. Mainly miscommunication arguments. He cheated a couple times before we got married. I realized too late that we should not have gotten married to begin with but here we are and my baby is here now so I cant do much about that.

 

What should I do? I would have to leave soon to be able to drive to the city about 2 hours away in order to catch him.

 

Do I just accept that he has moved on and wants a divorce and do nothing. Or go to the hotel to (peacefully) confront him?

Edited October 1, 2016 by geogeo

[anika99]

I've read something from other posters on this board that goes along the lines of "you have to be willing to lose the relationship in order to save the relationship" which basically means that as long as you you are staying in this game of competing with an OW and putting up with this ridiculous situation the situation will only get worse and your marriage will be more and more damaged.

 

I think what you should do now and what you should have done in the first place is tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you will work on saving the marriage only if he completely eliminates this OW from his life and proves to you that he has done so. Anything less and he can damn well pack his bags and move out. What you should do now is tell him that you know he lied about where he is going and you know about the hotel room. Then tell him that if he goes on this trip that he may as well take all of his belongings with him because he will not be welcomed back. Draw a deep line in the sand and stick to it.

 

I know it's hard to do something like this when you have a baby and likely feel vulnerable. Your husband knows it too which is why he's got jumping through hoops like a trained seal in your attempt to win him back. Now he's got two women pleasing him and vying for his attention and he couldn't be happier. You have got to pull the plug on this threesome even if it may lead to divorce. If you don't you will likely end up divorced anyways and all your self esteem and self respect will be in the toilet by that time. Don't let that happen. Tell him that he has to make a choice, right here right now. If his choice is to go on his little affair trip then make it clear that you consider the marriage over and he needs to make arrangements to live elsewhere.

[S2B]

Stop being so understanding. Anyone hiding things is cheating.

 

If he can't completely cut off all contact with the gal he's distracted by then consider ending the M.

 

He's lying and he knows it. Communicating with "an old friend" is usually code for 'I'm in an affair'.

 

Read "not just friends".

 

Don't keep him around unless he's willing to treat you like gold! Yes, confront him by not pretending you don't know. He can move to a permanent place if he's gonna keep in touch with another woman. You deserve better - he's not honoring his vows. Never settle.

Edited October 1, 2016 by S2B

[geogeo]

He has already left for the trip. I did not have a chance to give him an ultimatum that if he leaves then I would end the marriage. I wanted time to decide want to do so I allowed him to leave without letting him know I was on to him.

 

Now the question is, do I go there to the hotel to catch him in the act? I would not even say too much because I have too much to risk.

 

So would you go or not?

[anika99]

He has already left for the trip. I did not have a chance to give him an ultimatum that if he leaves then I would end the marriage. I wanted time to decide want to do so I allowed him to leave without letting him know I was on to him.

 

Now the question is, do I go there to the hotel to catch him in the act? I would not even say too much because I have too much to risk.

So would you go or not?

 

What does that mean? It sounds like you are afraid to stand up for yourself or confront him.

 

I'm hesitant to tell you to go or not to go. Normally I say steer clear of highly dramatic situations. The drama just adds to the devastation and out of control feelings. Besides where would your baby be during this confrontation? How would you do it? Do you which room he has booked? Would you just walk up to the hotel room and knock on the door or would you do sort of a stakeout and wait outside the hotel to see if he comes out with the OW?

 

I think you don't really need to go there because you know he is cheating. He booked a hotel room for two adults in a single hotel room at a location that is different from where he told you. He is definitely cheating. Still some people refuse to believe that they are being betrayed until they see it with their own eyes. If that is you then perhaps you should go and get your proof.

[Whoknew30]

He has already left for the trip. I did not have a chance to give him an ultimatum that if he leaves then I would end the marriage. I wanted time to decide want to do so I allowed him to leave without letting him know I was on to him.

 

Now the question is, do I go there to the hotel to catch him in the act? I would not even say too much because I have too much to risk.

 

So would you go or not?

 

I would go...why should he be having a good ole time while you're sitting there miserable & he's the cause? I'd spy a little & follow them to dinner & when they get served their first thing, go & sit down with them & order a drink. My mom did it to my dad, he about pooped his pants & the OW ran out of the restaurant.

 

If you can keep calm, go for it!..but if you can't, then maybe not a good idea. Only you know how your reaction will be...good luck

[stillafool]

The more you continue to beg him to work on your marriage the more he is going to cheat. You have to tell him to pack his s--t and go when he gets home from his sexcapade. You can't nice him back into the marriage.

[geogeo]

My daughter will be with my sister if I go. I have a pretty solid plan as to finding out the hotel room number. It's fail proof but I do not want to reveal it on here just yet. Not sure if I would go to the room. I'm hope to sit outside the hotel and catch them first then go to plan b of actually going to the room that I will have access too. Hoping it doesn't come to that.

 

I am sure I will remain calm because I have too much to lose. I have to be calm. When I said I have too much to lose I wasn't speaking of the marriage I was talking about losing my career for going to jail or worst custody. So I wouldn't be confrontational.

 

As far as being one of those people who needs proof and to see with my own eyes, I am. Not because I don't think he is cheating I'm more than 99% sure that he is. However, I have left before (before we got married) but because he had a pretty convincing lie that he stuck with, I came back. He was persistent for 4 months. And I got to thinking maybe he was not cheating and I overreacted because I really only had circumstantial evidence like I do now. My only reason for wanting to see is so that I don't doubt my decision to leave a few months from now and find myself in the same position. He could lie and say he rented a room for his sister that often comes to town and stay in hotels. He could say something about not being able to stay at his mom's place for whatever reasons. A bunch of other lies he could say...all I have right now is a reservation for his name in a city that he told me he was going. I don't want to give him the chance to lie.

 

I am not afraid to confront him and stand up for myself. The only reason I didn't say anything was because I didn't want to reveal my evidence just yet because o didn't know if I would go to the hotel or not.

Edited October 1, 2016 by geogeo

[whichwayisup]

He has already left for the trip. I did not have a chance to give him an ultimatum that if he leaves then I would end the marriage. I wanted time to decide want to do so I allowed him to leave without letting him know I was on to him.

 

Now the question is, do I go there to the hotel to catch him in the act? I would not even say too much because I have too much to risk.

 

So would you go or not?

 

You know he's cheating on you. Get your family together, get a lawyer and file for divorce. Have his stuff packed and on the doorstep, and tell him to go live with the OW when he comes back from his 'trip'. Hire a PI to go to where he is.

 

Your H isn't ready to be a father, let alone a good husband to you. He's being selfish and putting himself first.

 

This doesn't mean you actually have to divorce, it means you won't put up with his behavior and if he wants a chance to work on the marriage with you HE has to rid of the OW and focus on you and reconnecting, as well as going to marriage counseling.

 

Sadly, since he cheated in the past and you still married him, it seems he feels like he can do anything he pleases.

[S2B]

He has already left for the trip. I did not have a chance to give him an ultimatum that if he leaves then I would end the marriage. I wanted time to decide want to do so I allowed him to leave without letting him know I was on to him.

 

Now the question is, do I go there to the hotel to catch him in the act? I would not even say too much because I have too much to risk.

 

So would you go or not?

 

I would go. And when seeing him with her I'd tell him "it's over - don't come home!" Then I'd change the locks on the house and move money into your name only.

[Mr. Lucky]

So would you go or not?

 

Why not just call the hotel and ask to be put through to his room?

 

Seems like you've got an awful lot of proof already - this feels like a delaying tactic...

 

Mr. Lucky

[S2B]

Why not just call the hotel and ask to be put through to his room?

 

Seems like you've got an awful lot of proof already - this feels like a delaying tactic...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I would go.

 

Calling the room doesn't help - IF he answers he will just pretend he's alone. Besides he will ask why she didn't just call his cell and be more suspicious.

[stilltrying16]

I think you'd be better off hiring a PI.

 

Maybe even someone in the city he's going to. Then the PI could check out his behavior at the hotel, get pictures, etc.

 

How long is he supposed to be away?

[CarrieT]

It is obvious he has already emotionally checked out of the marriage and has now physically checked out as well.

 

The bottom line, OP, is he gave you chores and steps to take to repair the marriage without taking the same course. In fact, he deviated to the extent of screwing someone else.

 

And what of your child? What does this teach your child regarding having healthy, open, and honest relationships? He has thrown that out of the window, hasn't he?

[S2B]

Let's recap...

 

He starts contacting another woman a lot and you beg him to stay and start doing lots of sweet things for him and promise not to divorce him...

 

He never owns cheating by contacting his OW... But YOU make all the changes and effort to restore the marriage?

 

Honey, this is all backwards!

 

 

HE is the one that should be making all the changes and effort to repair the damage he caused!

 

He's a cake eater... A liar and a cheat yet YOU keep rewarding his bad behavior thinking IF you're a better wife he won't cheat! It doesn't work that way!

 

A man (or woman) cheats because that's what they do when they have no boundary and no moral compass and no conscience.

 

I don't think he's worth even thinking about when he's willing to treat you terribly this way!

 

He Should be willing to end ALL contact - be perfectly honest about how he has participated and treat you like gold!

 

Instead he's had you kissing his butt, doing extra nice things to try and make the marriage work and he rewards you by leaving town to meet his OW?

 

 

Oh hell no... That wouldn't fly for me!

 

You can't nice someone into being faithful! He's damaged and it's not up to YOU to fix him.

 

He's extra douchy if you ask me. I can't see any reason to waste another minute being patient waiting for him to become a decent human being!

[DesertHeat]

TBH, he already started the relationship showing that he will cheat on you. I don't know what work he did towards the recovery, but if he didn't do work on himself to find out why he cheated, then he didn't fix himself and is prone to cheat again and again.

 

I know you want absolute proof, but you have enough proof. He's talking to someone an unusual amount of time per day and deletes their messages. He's booked a hotel somewhere where he isn't supposed to be. You know what's going on in that hotel. My favorite line to my ex-cheaters was, "You didn't go over there for bible study". I don't know if it's too late, but I would hire a PI. I wouldn't waste time and energy going over there myself.

 

I understand that you just had a baby and that complicates things, but you can always walk away. I lived with a cheating, abusive husband (who also cheated on me multiple times before we got married) for 5 years and multiple kids before I said that I had enough. I only had the smoking gun of his cheating for 2 OW, but there were many, many more that i suspected. I wish I would have walked away the first time, the second time, etc. But I walked away the last time and we're divorced and I was finally able to put him in the past.

 

So, all things considered, would him cheating on you again be the final straw? Well, he is cheating on you. So what are you going to do now, leave? How can you do this financially? Where will you live? How can you support yourself? If you want him to stay, what would he need to do? Counseling (individual is recommend, NOT MC), transparency, cutting off OW, etc? Lay it all out to yourself before he comes back.

 

I understand you are panicking tonight, so it would be hard to think about this, but just try to relax and think about what you are going to do. Maybe even do it in the morning. Because when he comes home and you confront him, emotions will be running high. You might walk out or he might. He might make all kinds of promises to placate you or gaslight you since you have no "proof". Most cheaters, especially serial cheaters, are skilled in saying whatever to make you shut up. And in your confusion, you accept what they say or bide time until they cheat again or display other undesirable behaviors.

 

One of the many mistakes I made every time I was cheated on (and, unfortunately, I was cheated on in every relationship I've had), was that I confronted with emotions on high, got gaslighted or fake promises, and rugswept until more cheating or other circumstances (i.e. abuse) ended the relationship. But if I had to do it all over again, I would have thought about logically what I wanted to do before even confronting them.

 

In my last relationship, which happened after my divorce, I caught my BF cheating. I, once again, accepted the gaslighting and blame-shifting and spent six months in this hell of a relationship. I finally sought help online on many recovery sites (this one included). I read a lot of how a real affair recovery is supposed to look like. How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair (available free via a google search) was a big help on letting me know what my WBF was supposed to do. And he wasn't doing anything of it.

 

After a couple of months of reading and going back and forth, I got my ducks in a row and I finally came at him logically with all the things he needed to do. He shot everything down. I finally laid down the law to do this or I'm leaving. He didn't do it. I left.

 

Sorry you are going through this, and breathe, drink some water, get some sleep, and take care of your baby. Put together your options. Then confront. Don't reveal your sources. Tell him what he needs to do to stay in the marriage or you are out. Listen to what he says and watch what he does. It's going to be a rollercoaster for the next couple of years, whether you stay or not. But it's good to start the rollercoaster empowered and with your emotional seatbelts fastened.

[l8estnews]

Sometimes, seeing it with your own eyes despite the pain will clear the clouds to your judgement.

 

If you confirmed that he is with her, then it only means there's really no marriage to save anymore.

 

Go.

[merrmeade]

I've read something from other posters on this board that goes along the lines of "you have to be willing to lose the relationship in order to save the relationship" which basically means that as long as you you are staying in this game of competing with an OW and putting up with this ridiculous situation the situation will only get worse and your marriage will be more and more damaged.

 

I think what you should do now and what you should have done in the first place is tell your husband in no uncertain terms that you will work on saving the marriage only if he completely eliminates this OW from his life and proves to you that he has done so. Anything less and he can damn well pack his bags and move out. What you should do now is tell him that you know he lied about where he is going and you know about the hotel room. Then tell him that if he goes on this trip that he may as well take all of his belongings with him because he will not be welcomed back. Draw a deep line in the sand and stick to it.

You need to be specific about what he has to do to prove it to you if he agrees to eliminate her. Read other threads about this.

 

He should also know that he will be exposed to both of your extended families if it isn't ended definitively. Unfortunately I don't think he'll take it as seriously without this since you've been so tolerant and desperate-acting up to now.

 

Cut him loose, tell both families and then be cool and sit tight while all the sh-t hits the fan.

 

It's very important that you understand that tolerating all this disrespect and shocking disregard for your feelings will just get you more disrespect and disregard. He needs an ultimatum with a deadline. Then. YOU go about your business and hold yourself back from begging or engaging. It will only work if your threats are real with time frames.

[merrmeade]

I agree that you should go for the confirmation at the hotel. But be sure there's no scene. If they know you know, it's enough.

 

You also need to see a lawyer. You get a lot of information at no charge the first time. You need information and direction, so you can make a plan. Filing for divorce or communicating that you are also makes it real to him that he needs to make a choice/decision.

[Poutrew]

Call up his brother at home. Ask bro to put your husband on the line - that there's been a accident. Of course, hubby wont be there and he will be busted. Perhaps the brother doesn't know he was hubby's excuse to cheat, in which case you can tell him the accident was you marrying his brother...

[elaine567]

If you are going to confront him at the hotel then take someone with you, do not go there alone and whilst I would photograph him and her together for evidence I would not confront as what good will that do you? You are right it could harm your career if it all gets nasty, not to mention you getting physically hurt by an upset OW or your husband. Do not prod that hornet's nest, find out what you need to know and act accordingly, do not lower yourself to screaming matches in hotel lobbies...

 

Personally I would hire a PI to find out what he is up to, but you don't really NEED one.

You KNOW what he is up to and no doubt he will squirm his way out of it by blaming you and you will put up with it for your child's sake, until it happens again and again and again...

This is already the third time he has cheated on you...

 

He cheated a couple times before we got married.

Same old story we hear time and time again on the Infidelity boards.

He showed you who he was, and you chose to ignore it.

 

When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

~ Maya Angelou

[geogeo]

UPDATE: I went to the hotel. I caught him with the OW. I was able to remain calm, as hard as it was. There they were. And I could tell by her unsurprised demeanor that she knew who I was.

 

He didn't show must remorse and has only called once (I didn't answer).

 

I realize that he has already checked out long ago and now I must play catch up. This will be a long road to recovery. Thank you everyone for your advice.

[l8estnews]

I am sorry to hear that OP. I have no other words for you.

 

I am not in a position to give you advice to your marriage, but I hope, I really hope that you won't cave in to him.... This is a lost cause already.

 

Grieve and move on.

[S2B]

I'm gals you went but I'm sorry it turned out with poor results.

 

What is your plan to protect yourself now?

 

Hugs to you

[merrmeade]

UPDATE: I went to the hotel. I caught him with the OW. I was able to remain calm, as hard as it was. There they were. And I could tell by her unsurprised demeanor that she knew who I was.

 

He didn't show must remorse and has only called once (I didn't answer).

 

I realize that he has already checked out long ago and now I must play catch up. This will be a long road to recovery. Thank you everyone for your advice.

oh dear. I too am deeply sorry, g. I know how awful you feel but do go see an attorney asap.

 

Keep posting. We're here for you.