Husband contacting 'old friend'. Help!

[anika99]

Of course you still love him. You can't just turn that off and it's normal to feel conflicted when you are betrayed. It's also common to want to chase after the cheater and give them opportunity to save the marriage, or to try to make them feel ashamed or force them to see your pain and devastation. That's all normal but please don't do any of those things as it will only lead to more hurt and humiliation for you while increasing his disrespect and contempt for you.

 

The more indifferent to him you behave, the more strength and independence you show the more impressed he will be. He knows he has done a terrible thing and if you chase him now he will lose all respect for you. Let him stew in his own pile of crap.

 

There could be many reasons why he's not coming after you now, he may ashamed and doesn't want to face the horrible wrong he has done, he may be thinking its your fault and is waiting for you to beg, it may be that he is trapped in his affair fantasy where he believes he will be happier with the OW. It may be a little of all of those things. Don't chase him because he will jump on any opportunity to turn it around on you and place the blame on you rather than himself. Don't give him that opening, let him stew. Start planning your future as though your marriage is over (it may or may not be) and don't give him a chance to save the marriage until he takes responsibility for his actions, shows total and utter remorse and is willing to do whatever it takes to recover the marriage (by the time this happens you might not even want to save it and that's okay too).

 

Be strong even if you don't feel strong. It's very difficult to do but staying aloof and resolved in your actions right now will go a long ways in maintaining your sense of self worth and self respect whether you end the marriage or not.

[Graceandpeace35]

I am so sorry for the pain and grief and heart ache you have endured. I pray that you find comfort, peace and the ability to forgive as you move forward. I pray that you can cry out the Jesus and He will meet your every need. I pray that He will wipe away every tear and cause your husband to repent. I am truly so sorry this happened to you. May the Lord bless and hold you and your little one.

M

[DesertHeat]

You need to call a few lawyers tomorrow for a free consultation to get handle on what your rights are.

 

If you have only joint accounts, you need to see how much you can legally take out (usually 50%) and take some out to cover your living expenses for a little while. Situations like this can turn ugly real quick and he might clean out your bank accounts.

 

If you have separate accounts, then you should be okay, but just monitor your accounts to make sure he doesn't spend anything and call your bank and have a note on your account that he is not allowed to access your account.

 

I don't know how long you have at your sister's, but take the next few days to really think about what you want to do. S2B gave some really good advice. I know it's hard, but stay focused because this time is crucial.

[Lion Heart]

I didn't abandon the home. we were saving to buy a house so we were renting. My things are also still there while I stay at my sisters house for a few days.

 

I really just want this to pass. How can I still love him after this. I find myself trying to bargain that if he only does this _____ then I will forgive him. Or if only he ....then we can get back on. But I know deep down that I need to move on regardless of what he does. I still love him a lot. Wishing I didn't.

 

Geogeo,

We're all right here WITH YOU and your baby girl. My heart aches and grieves with you.

 

YOU HAVE MANY SUPPORTERS.

 

THIS happened to me. 23y ago.

 

GO IN TOMORROW AND GET OFF THE RENTAL LEASE ASAP.

Mine took 3 weeks notice.

What does yours take?

The LAST thing you need right now is to pay RENT in that place he may come back to, on top of staying there. Caring for your baby girl.

It's OK. YOUR baby will not remember ANYTHING.

BE GRATEFUL for that and act swiftly.

 

Stay in the home if you choose until your friends and family can GET YOUR STUFF OUT.

Move asap.

 

See if you can get Welfare immediately as you are now separated. You are now a single mother AND IT'S AWESOME. Welfare / Govt may help with bond. Renting a very small place NEAR YOUR sister or family.

 

ABSOLUTELY take at least 50% out of all accounts.

I'd take 70% to cover the baby's needs (I'll be completely honest. I TOOK THE LOT both times. But do follow legal advice).

 

GET YOUR name OFF ANY SHARED credit cards ASAP. PRONTO.

 

YOU WILL NOT FUND HIS AFFAIRS.

 

Put every cent into either your own accounts without him as a signatory. OR "under your (new) bed".

 

Sorry Geogeo. Thinking about LOVE comes later.

ALWAYS BRING your mind BACK to your objectives.

 

YOU ARE SENDING HIM A VERY CLEAR AND EXPLICIT MESSAGE NOW.

 

YOU DON'T PUT UP WITH SH** LIKE THIS.

YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER TO PROTECT. NEITHER DOES SHE.

She needs her mother.

Sorry everybody. She only needs ONE GOOD PARENT.

She does not need a POS father.

 

I suggest CHANGING YOUR mobile phone number.

He can find YOU if he cares.

 

I doubt he'll care.

 

Over time his anger may spike. We can deal with that later.

 

Yes. See a lawyer. I hope you've kept any evidence of his affair(s) safe.

 

Next when you can cope. Probably when you've moved is best. EXPOSE him to all of his family. Friends.

 

Geogeo. This happened to me when my D was 9 months old. A VERY long time ago. I kicked him out the night he confessed. I did cancel my Lease the very next morning.

I did move to a new place an hour away asap. I did register for welfare payments. I stayed on them fully for 9 months and slowly returned to part time then full-time work. I DID recover. Bought my own home. My gorgeous baby girl is AWESOME at nearly 24y old.

 

ExH married again and has put his W THROUGH SHEER HELL for their entire relationship. He is STILL A SERIAL CHEATER. NOTHING changed. Except his 2 sons see all this drama daily. They suffer severe anxiety. Eldest one looks like a drug addict. They both do very badly at school.

 

24yo daughter is getting HDs in Psychology.

She's a beautiful mother.

Sells her Art online.

Runs Sustainable living groups.

 

SEE THE SLIDING DOOR of your potential futures?

 

Take a left to hell.

Stay the path to the right and feel REALLY GOOD ABOUT your decision making process now.

 

You WILL BE strong again one day. Just stay the course and DO NOT LISTEN to any garbage that falls out of his mouth.

 

Lion Heart

[BuddyX]

You know how I got over my Ex Wife? Every time I got tempted to contact her, or thought we could work it out, I though of her chugging another man's d*ck.

 

Sorry for the descriptive picture, but remember, your husband looked you in the eye and lied about trust. The foundation of your marriage is gone.

 

Trust me, he'll be back. He's just numb right now. Once he's exposed, everyone will know he's a coward who bailed on his wife and their baby.

[stillafool]

Thanks. I am so distraught.

 

I am more sad that he hasn't even offered so much as an apology even after all the years I spent loving him. How can he just not care at all or try to explain or call? Does he just assume I'll come back eventually if he waits it out?

 

Although I done with him. It always makes it a little easier when the betrayer attempts to win the betrayed over. At least then I wouldn't feel like it was all fake or that he was choosing this woman over his family.

 

How is it that the cheater gets to make all the calls. I wouldn't dare beg him back even tho I love him but I'm not sure how to begin to recover from this.

 

What was really hurtful is he didn't even run after you to show that you were his number 1 priority but stayed there with her. That is just unforgivable in my book. Why did you move out? You should have left a note on the door to go back to the hotel or just go to hell because you can't come here. He may be in love with his ex but one thing is clear, if you let him get away with this he will do it again.

Edited October 3, 2016 by stillafool

[geogeo]

Thank you everyone for your support. I am financially stable on my own and can care for my baby without him for now. We had separate accounts/property so there's nothing to do there. I also talked to an attorney and he advised that I would get a healthy amount of child support. Financially we will be ok but emotionally I feel broken.

 

Today has been especially difficult. My daughter is still too young to sleep through the night but we normally took turns. Last night was the first night that I actually had to do it alone. It was so hard! No sleep at all.

 

It really sunk in that I'm about to enter this journey alone. The anxiety that I feel right now is greater than any I've ever felt. The sadness is a physical ache. I try to sleep through the pain but my daughter needs me.

 

He still hasn't called. Even if he doesn't want me, call to check on your child. I keep imagining him having the time of his life right now. No responsibilities. No more sneaking around and the OW woman to support him through this. I was faithful so I have no one. It stings.

 

The pain is so great that I have contemplated going back home and asking him to make it work just to stop the pain and anxiety of raising my young baby alone. But I would NEVER do it.

 

Do you all think it is bothering him at all? Or do you think he is so checked out that it doesn't matter to him? I know you all don't have a definite answer to that question but I am looking for some comfort in knowing that I wasn't thrown out like yesterday's trash. I can tell myself continuously that what he thinks shouldn't matter and that he isn't even worth it. I know that's the logical thing to do but my heart is crying out to know that he is a little uneasy about this.

 

Any advice of making it through the first week is appreciated.

[elaine567]

I know you have talked to your attorney, but as you have moved out, whose name is on the lease?

The last thing you would want is to be held responsible for paying rental on the property, if he is staying there and perhaps entertaining the OW there too...

 

Can you stay at your sister's indefinitely?

Be glad you had not already bought a house together.

[stillafool]

Do you all think it is bothering him at all? Or do you think he is so checked out that it doesn't matter to him? I know you all don't have a definite answer to that question but I am looking for some comfort in knowing that I wasn't thrown out like yesterday's trash. I can tell myself continuously that what he thinks shouldn't matter and that he isn't even worth it. I know that's the logical thing to do but my heart is crying out to know that he is a little uneasy about this.

 

Any advice of making it through the first week is appreciated.

 

I don't know whether it's bothering him or not. If I were caught cheating by my spouse and I still loved and wanted them; I would be down on my knees begging for forgiveness. The fact that he hasn't even called is very telling.

 

Can your sister help you with the baby to give you a rest?

[geogeo]

I have not moved out. I only packed a few essentials for a couple weeks maybe. If I have to go back, I will go during a time that I know he isn't there. My name is not on the lease but listed as a tenant. I would not be held responsible. He cannot kick me out because of the laws here. Unless I willingly move my things out, he cannot deny me access to the house without given me a written 30 day notice. That will give me enough time to figure out what I want to do. Besides he is a cake eater. When I first found out and hinting around to moving out, he said that he would rather we stay in the same house and there was no rush for me to move.

 

Financially I am protected from this but I need help moving on emotionally.

[stillafool]

I have not moved out. I only packed a few essentials for a couple weeks maybe. If I have to go back, I will go during a time that I know he isn't there. My name is not on the lease but listed as a tenant. I would not be held responsible. He cannot kick me out because of the laws here. Unless I willingly move my things out, he cannot deny me access to the house without given me a written 30 day notice. That will give me enough time to figure out what I want to do. Besides he is a cake eater. When I first found out and hinting around to moving out, he said that he would rather we stay in the same house and there was no rush for me to move.

Financially I am protected from this but I need help moving on emotionally.

 

Oh, so you have talked to him after the affair? So is he planning to move out while you and the baby stay in the house until you move?

[elaine567]

Financially I am protected from this but I need help moving on emotionally.

 

 

Good that you are financially sorted.

Personally I have always found break-ups have been easier when there is a good solid reason for the break up and that ifs, buts and maybes do not feature highly.

Here you have a good solid reason to break up. He is a serial cheater and a cake eater, and he will only break your heart and that of your child, time and time again if you let him.

That is a good solid reason never to go back.

Once you get that conclusion slotted firmly into the forefront of your mind, you will find it gets a lot easier.

[Popsicle]

I'm sorry you're going through this but he'll be back. And you'll take him back.

[stillafool]

I agree with Elaine. Also the fact that you actually saw them with your own eyes is a picture I couldn't get out of my mind.

[geogeo]

when I first learned that he had been contacting this woman, I confronted him. He gas lighted me into making it seem that I was being insecure about him having a female friend. In the heat of an argument about this, he said that I was too insecure for snooping and that he is frankly tired of it. So I stood my ground and said that I was tired of it too and if he wanted to move out he could. He eventually said that he was tired of trying and divorce was mentioned by him.

 

When I called his bluff, he said there was no need to move out just yet. He backed off. This happened about a week after I found the affair and a week before the hotel incident. He is a cake eater.

[stillafool]

when I first learned that he had been contacting this woman, I confronted him. He gas lighted me into making it seem that I was being insecure about him having a female friend. In the heat of an argument about this, he said that I was too insecure for snooping and that he is frankly tired of it. So I stood my ground and said that I was tired of it too and if he wanted to move out he could. He eventually said that he was tired of trying and divorce was mentioned by him.

 

When I called his bluff, he said there was no need to move out just yet. He backed off. This happened about a week after I found the affair and a week before the hotel incident. He is a cake eater.

 

Well now you know what a lying POS he really is. Where is he now?

[geogeo]

He is in our home.

 

I'm realizing now that I have always voiced my concern/fear of raising a child alone. I made it very clear when we married that I did not intend to divorce, ever. I spent years of being the one trying to initiate communication even when I wasn't completely at fault. Through all of our problems, I was the problem solver. I allowed him to sit back and wait while I scrambled to fix everything. Given, our problems were nothing of this magnitude but I refuse to fall back into that same pattern. But because of the past he has lost respect for me and know that I will always do anything to save he marriage. Desperate in fact. For that reason I am sure that he is sitting back waiting for me to come back doing the same thing. That's probably why he hasn't called, that and he probably does really want to be with this OW.

 

Regardless of the pain I experience through this, I WILL NOT RUN AND BEG FOR HIM BACK. I will not do it and I am stern in that. I would divorce him and spend the rest of my life depressed before I give in this time.

 

He doesn't think I am going anywhere which is partly my fault.

[heartwhole]

I'm so sorry you're in this position.

 

I found the articles on Infidelity Help Group very helpful, and when I need some rah-rah inspiration, I read Chump Lady. Those might be helpful to you now.

 

It sounds like you really have your head on straight. Best wishes to you.

[BuddyX]

He is in our home.

 

I'm realizing now that I have always voiced my concern/fear of raising a child alone. I made it very clear when we married that I did not intend to divorce, ever. I spent years of being the one trying to initiate communication even when I wasn't completely at fault. Through all of our problems, I was the problem solver. I allowed him to sit back and wait while I scrambled to fix everything. Given, our problems were nothing of this magnitude but I refuse to fall back into that same pattern. But because of the past he has lost respect for me and know that I will always do anything to save he marriage. Desperate in fact. For that reason I am sure that he is sitting back waiting for me to come back doing the same thing. That's probably why he hasn't called, that and he probably does really want to be with this OW.

 

Regardless of the pain I experience through this, I WILL NOT RUN AND BEG FOR HIM BACK. I will not do it and I am stern in that. I would divorce him and spend the rest of my life depressed before I give in this time.

 

He doesn't think I am going anywhere which is partly my fault.

 

The last paragraph. You go girl. You're a strong woman. Single moms raising kids are the Salt of this earth.

 

From LS member

 

"There is no secret formula.

You be brave

You say no more

You end it

You suffer

You heal

You walk toward freedom"

[stillafool]

He is in our home.

 

I'm realizing now that I have always voiced my concern/fear of raising a child alone. I made it very clear when we married that I did not intend to divorce, ever. I spent years of being the one trying to initiate communication even when I wasn't completely at fault. Through all of our problems, I was the problem solver. I allowed him to sit back and wait while I scrambled to fix everything. Given, our problems were nothing of this magnitude but I refuse to fall back into that same pattern. But because of the past he has lost respect for me and know that I will always do anything to save he marriage. Desperate in fact. For that reason I am sure that he is sitting back waiting for me to come back doing the same thing. That's probably why he hasn't called, that and he probably does really want to be with this OW.

 

Regardless of the pain I experience through this, I WILL NOT RUN AND BEG FOR HIM BACK. I will not do it and I am stern in that. I would divorce him and spend the rest of my life depressed before I give in this time.

 

He doesn't think I am going anywhere which is partly my fault.

 

Good for you that you've found your strength. You are right! If you beg him to stay in the marriage he will continue to cheat and do what he likes because he will know you are too desperate to do anything. This is a terrible thing that he has done and he should be sending you flowers, candy and a telegram begging for your forgiveness if he wanted his marriage and baby. He's a jerk to let you leave knowing the type of pain he has caused you. He should have been worried that you might get in a car accident after what you witnessed.

[merrmeade]

He doesn't think I am going anywhere which is partly my fault.

He'll figure out sooon enough that, yes, you will do a lot of things you might've said you wouldn't. Clearly he didn't understand or appreciate you well anyway. But PLEASE try to stop these "partly my fault" thoughts because Whatever part is minuscule and IRRELEVANT right now. It is ALL fully and squarely on his shoulders and the sooner you start living that reality the better. If you were my daughter, I'd be trying to shake sense into you. Let us not hear that "partly my fault" again, okay? You have enough pain without beating yourself up on top.

[CarrieT]

File the divorce papers now and have him served so he REALLY gets the idea that you're leaving him since this is the way he's treated you.

 

Anything less and he will think you're overlooking his blatant affair. Anything less and he will think you're staying and he has your permission to keep seeing his OW.

 

It is our action to change things that lets others know that we intend for things to change!

 

Since he thinks you won't leave him - take the solid action that proves to him that you will look out for what's best for yourself!

 

Repeated for emphasis.

[Timshel]

He is in our home.

 

I'm realizing now that I have always voiced my concern/fear of raising a child alone. I made it very clear when we married that I did not intend to divorce, ever. I spent years of being the one trying to initiate communication even when I wasn't completely at fault. Through all of our problems, I was the problem solver. I allowed him to sit back and wait while I scrambled to fix everything. Given, our problems were nothing of this magnitude but I refuse to fall back into that same pattern. But because of the past he has lost respect for me and know that I will always do anything to save he marriage. Desperate in fact. For that reason I am sure that he is sitting back waiting for me to come back doing the same thing. That's probably why he hasn't called, that and he probably does really want to be with this OW.

 

Regardless of the pain I experience through this, I WILL NOT RUN AND BEG FOR HIM BACK. I will not do it and I am stern in that. I would divorce him and spend the rest of my life depressed before I give in this time.

 

He doesn't think I am going anywhere which is partly my fault.

 

This is a true statement. A person can not change what they will not acknowledge. You did in fact willfully compromise your own integrity.

 

You married an a**hole geo. Everything he has done and is doing....is perfectly in line with who he is. He has not compromised himself, has he? Until now, you have condoned and accepted him by concession.

 

Now, see him and believe that who you see is who he is and do.not. make excuses and do.not make lifetime decisions based in FEAR.

 

My heart goes out to you, don't doubt that, but I won't tell you that you have not been complicit in letting this loser take you down.

Let this be a real epiphany geo.

 

As much as this hurts right now, it's a drop in the bucket compared to the peace, love and joy that you can have for the rest of yours and your daughter's life.

 

It's a beginning of better days to come.

Best wishes

[ShatteredLady]

My baby girl has started school now. She's so incredibly happy & confident. She's intelligent & beautiful. If I could have a special wish for her (beyond healthy, happy & kind) it would be that she grows-up BRAVE!!

 

I'm not brave.

 

When my H had an affair with his coworker 12 years ago I fell apart. I lost all selfesteem. I became a sniveling wreck, a shadow of the woman that I was. Life happened & I forgave him...not that he really begged for forgiveness or anything.

 

After my very serious surgery (over a year ago now) he apparently didn't feel 'special' enough so he started another affair with her!! I was blindsided & broken.

 

His first affair I was in my early 30's. Imagine how different my life would be now if I'd been BRAVE the first time??

 

I know what you're feeling & it's awful. I just desperately needed the pain to stop. I'm weak. I'm lost & confused.

 

Be brave. You're in a very strong position. You can support yourself & your baby girl. Teach her to be strong & brave. You & her against the world!!

 

I'm sending both of you huge hugs. She will start sleeping through soon & things will be so much easier. Sleep deprivation is brutal. Best wishes for the rest of your new exciting lives. Don't be afraid to ask for help (my other big fault) & everything will turn out great. Just take a deep breath.....

[merrmeade]

Ditto, geo, on what SL said. My husband cheated on me more than once and I didn't find out until years later. Would I have have left him had I known then? There was one "almost" one-night-stand that I did know about from the OW by accident and that I forgave, so maybe not. I was not brave either. I just don't know what I'd have done if I'd known about something more serious.

 

But I know what I'd do if I had the heart and mind I have now. I'd so dump his sorry ass, expose and then redeem my life my way.