Husband contacting 'old friend'. Help!

[stillafool]

He is in our home.

 

I'm realizing now that I have always voiced my concern/fear of raising a child alone. I made it very clear when we married that I did not intend to divorce, ever. I spent years of being the one trying to initiate communication even when I wasn't completely at fault. Through all of our problems, I was the problem solver. I allowed him to sit back and wait while I scrambled to fix everything. Given, our problems were nothing of this magnitude but I refuse to fall back into that same pattern. But because of the past he has lost respect for me and know that I will always do anything to save he marriage. Desperate in fact. For that reason I am sure that he is sitting back waiting for me to come back doing the same thing. That's probably why he hasn't called, that and he probably does really want to be with this OW.

 

Regardless of the pain I experience through this, I WILL NOT RUN AND BEG FOR HIM BACK. I will not do it and I am stern in that. I would divorce him and spend the rest of my life depressed before I give in this time.

 

He doesn't think I am going anywhere which is partly my fault.

 

Good for you that you've found your strength. You are right! If you beg him to stay in the marriage he will continue to cheat and do what he likes because he will know you are too desperate to do anything. This is a terrible thing that he has done and he should be sending you flowers, candy and a telegram begging for your forgiveness if he wanted his marriage and baby. He's a jerk to let you leave knowing the type of pain he has caused you. He should have been worried that you might get in a car accident after what you witnessed.

[merrmeade]

He doesn't think I am going anywhere which is partly my fault.

He'll figure out sooon enough that, yes, you will do a lot of things you might've said you wouldn't. Clearly he didn't understand or appreciate you well anyway. But PLEASE try to stop these "partly my fault" thoughts because Whatever part is minuscule and IRRELEVANT right now. It is ALL fully and squarely on his shoulders and the sooner you start living that reality the better. If you were my daughter, I'd be trying to shake sense into you. Let us not hear that "partly my fault" again, okay? You have enough pain without beating yourself up on top.

[S2B]

File the divorce papers now and have him served so he REALLY gets the idea that you're leaving him since this is the way he's treated you.

 

Anything less and he will think you're overlooking his blatant affair. Anything less and he will think you're staying and he has your permission to keep seeing his OW.

 

It is our action to change things that lets others know that we intend for things to change!

 

Since he thinks you won't leave him - take the solid action that proves to him that you will look out for what's best for yourself!

[CarrieT]

File the divorce papers now and have him served so he REALLY gets the idea that you're leaving him since this is the way he's treated you.

 

Anything less and he will think you're overlooking his blatant affair. Anything less and he will think you're staying and he has your permission to keep seeing his OW.

 

It is our action to change things that lets others know that we intend for things to change!

 

Since he thinks you won't leave him - take the solid action that proves to him that you will look out for what's best for yourself!

 

Repeated for emphasis.

[Timshel]

He is in our home.

 

I'm realizing now that I have always voiced my concern/fear of raising a child alone. I made it very clear when we married that I did not intend to divorce, ever. I spent years of being the one trying to initiate communication even when I wasn't completely at fault. Through all of our problems, I was the problem solver. I allowed him to sit back and wait while I scrambled to fix everything. Given, our problems were nothing of this magnitude but I refuse to fall back into that same pattern. But because of the past he has lost respect for me and know that I will always do anything to save he marriage. Desperate in fact. For that reason I am sure that he is sitting back waiting for me to come back doing the same thing. That's probably why he hasn't called, that and he probably does really want to be with this OW.

 

Regardless of the pain I experience through this, I WILL NOT RUN AND BEG FOR HIM BACK. I will not do it and I am stern in that. I would divorce him and spend the rest of my life depressed before I give in this time.

 

He doesn't think I am going anywhere which is partly my fault.

 

This is a true statement. A person can not change what they will not acknowledge. You did in fact willfully compromise your own integrity.

 

You married an a**hole geo. Everything he has done and is doing....is perfectly in line with who he is. He has not compromised himself, has he? Until now, you have condoned and accepted him by concession.

 

Now, see him and believe that who you see is who he is and do.not. make excuses and do.not make lifetime decisions based in FEAR.

 

My heart goes out to you, don't doubt that, but I won't tell you that you have not been complicit in letting this loser take you down.

Let this be a real epiphany geo.

 

As much as this hurts right now, it's a drop in the bucket compared to the peace, love and joy that you can have for the rest of yours and your daughter's life.

 

It's a beginning of better days to come.

Best wishes

[ShatteredLady]

My baby girl has started school now. She's so incredibly happy & confident. She's intelligent & beautiful. If I could have a special wish for her (beyond healthy, happy & kind) it would be that she grows-up BRAVE!!

 

I'm not brave.

 

When my H had an affair with his coworker 12 years ago I fell apart. I lost all selfesteem. I became a sniveling wreck, a shadow of the woman that I was. Life happened & I forgave him...not that he really begged for forgiveness or anything.

 

After my very serious surgery (over a year ago now) he apparently didn't feel 'special' enough so he started another affair with her!! I was blindsided & broken.

 

His first affair I was in my early 30's. Imagine how different my life would be now if I'd been BRAVE the first time??

 

I know what you're feeling & it's awful. I just desperately needed the pain to stop. I'm weak. I'm lost & confused.

 

Be brave. You're in a very strong position. You can support yourself & your baby girl. Teach her to be strong & brave. You & her against the world!!

 

I'm sending both of you huge hugs. She will start sleeping through soon & things will be so much easier. Sleep deprivation is brutal. Best wishes for the rest of your new exciting lives. Don't be afraid to ask for help (my other big fault) & everything will turn out great. Just take a deep breath.....

[merrmeade]

Ditto, geo, on what SL said. My husband cheated on me more than once and I didn't find out until years later. Would I have have left him had I known then? There was one "almost" one-night-stand that I did know about from the OW by accident and that I forgave, so maybe not. I was not brave either. I just don't know what I'd have done if I'd known about something more serious.

 

But I know what I'd do if I had the heart and mind I have now. I'd so dump his sorry ass, expose and then redeem my life my way.

[geogeo]

One word that stuck out to me when reading your response is BRAVE. I looked up the actual definition and said it over and over. I have to be brave in this situation. I have to be brave enough to seek a better life for my daughter and I and not give into my fears of uncertainty.

 

I am still extremely down and struggle with wanting to run back to him just to end the pain but I decided to see a therapist today. It was the first initial meeting so we didn't talk much about my marriage but mainly about what I hope to accomplish. I look forward to seeing her again next week.

 

It's a step.

[whichwayisup]

One word that stuck out to me when reading your response is BRAVE. I looked up the actual definition and said it over and over. I have to be brave in this situation. I have to be brave enough to seek a better life for my daughter and I and not give into my fears of uncertainty.

 

I am still extremely down and struggle with wanting to run back to him just to end the pain but I decided to see a therapist today. It was the first initial meeting so we didn't talk much about my marriage but mainly about what I hope to accomplish. I look forward to seeing her again next week.

 

It's a step.

 

You are strong, stronger than you realize. And brave!

 

You have friends and family who will love and support you, help you through this tough time ... You're not alone, even if it feels like it.

 

This will make you wiser, and more independent. You are and WILL continue to be a wonderful mother to your children. (or child, sorry can't remember if you have one or two kids.)

 

 

Keep posting and glad to hear you're spoken to a therapist.

[Lion Heart]

Thank you everyone for your support. I am financially stable on my own and can care for my baby without him for now. We had separate accounts/property so there's nothing to do there. I also talked to an attorney and he advised that I would get a healthy amount of child support. Financially we will be ok but emotionally I feel broken.

 

Today has been especially difficult. My daughter is still too young to sleep through the night but we normally took turns. Last night was the first night that I actually had to do it alone. It was so hard! No sleep at all.

 

It really sunk in that I'm about to enter this journey alone. The anxiety that I feel right now is greater than any I've ever felt. The sadness is a physical ache. I try to sleep through the pain but my daughter needs me.

 

He still hasn't called. Even if he doesn't want me, call to check on your child. I keep imagining him having the time of his life right now. No responsibilities. No more sneaking around and the OW woman to support him through this. I was faithful so I have no one. It stings.

 

The pain is so great that I have contemplated going back home and asking him to make it work just to stop the pain and anxiety of raising my young baby alone. But I would NEVER do it.

 

Do you all think it is bothering him at all? Or do you think he is so checked out that it doesn't matter to him? I know you all don't have a definite answer to that question but I am looking for some comfort in knowing that I wasn't thrown out like yesterday's trash. I can tell myself continuously that what he thinks shouldn't matter and that he isn't even worth it. I know that's the logical thing to do but my heart is crying out to know that he is a little uneasy about this.

 

Any advice of making it through the first week is appreciated.

 

This week alone may be the most difficult of your lifetime. Put it in perspective and don't beat yourself up about anything.

 

You are DOING GREAT.

 

You are BREAKING A HABIT.

This is the opportunity to break it forever in this relationship.

Goodness knows NOTHING you ever did before worked at all.

 

The 180. Read up and know it.

 

Your husband is an unrepentant serial cheater.

 

There's no fixing him. There's only hope for you and your daughter.

 

It's YOU who breaks the cycle of this in YOUR life.

 

The PRACTICAL thought is this:

Your Wayward husband wasn't there ALL night he was having sex with his girlfriend. He wasn't there helping take turns with the baby waking all night. He put sex with his girlfriend over being with his wife and baby.

 

It's his established pattern you've complied with up till now.

 

You coped.

On the worst of nights you coped. You had some help but you did it. It's ok to ask for help. Now especially you'll cope better with family and friends around.

 

Just deal with each half hour at a time in the awful times.

But have company of supportive people.

Get to IC asap if you can.

 

I'm intuiting that your WH is playing a waiting game. Sitting pretty with his girlfriend waiting for you to crawl back to him. Beg him to try again. Same cycle as always.

 

IME the ONLY thing you can do now is to fully expose him. But you need to do what YOU need to do right now.

Follow legal advice. I'd contact his parents firstly. You have their granddaughter after all. I made it clear to my first WH mother that I had no intention of severing her relationship with the baby. I would always support it. I did and she was great support lol most of the time! (When I bought my first home by myself she spiked a little. When I bought my second by myself lol she went off the richter. She never supported us financially. Neither did her son).

 

On to more practical advice:

Have you moved the baby's crib next to your bed? This is easiest, IME, for ease of access to resettle her during the night.

Nappies etc ummm diapers, nearby.

Sleep when she sleeps in the daytime whenever you can.

Sleep will help you be more rational and less emotional (if that's possible), help you stave off any depressive feelings.

Can you hire help during the day? For shopping or housework or cooking?

 

Get easy meals for yourself and remember to eat.

 

Can you find a new place to live?

 

Making concrete moves now DEFINITELY sends a message to WH.

 

I kept thinking about what type of man my daughter would marry if I stayed with WH. Modelling is subliminal and critical for children's development.

 

Single parenting is no skip through the meadows.

But IMHO it's SO MUCH EASIER than trying to coparent with a person who's doing nothing but torturing the mother. You'd be an emotional mess all the time.

 

You'll find your peace as a parent without him.

You only need to take one day at a time. 30 minute time slots some days.

 

Best wishes. You're doing great and regardless of what anybody tells you anywhere, this is YOUR life.

Take care

Lion Heart

[Lion Heart]

One word that stuck out to me when reading your response is BRAVE. I looked up the actual definition and said it over and over. I have to be brave in this situation. I have to be brave enough to seek a better life for my daughter and I and not give into my fears of uncertainty.

 

I am still extremely down and struggle with wanting to run back to him just to end the pain but I decided to see a therapist today. It was the first initial meeting so we didn't talk much about my marriage but mainly about what I hope to accomplish. I look forward to seeing her again next week.

 

It's a step.

 

OH WOW IC! Well done Geo. That's a VERY positive step.

Counselling and any other types of therapies you choose for your healing WILL strengthen your inner self and give you a good foundation now. Bolster you I trust.

 

Remember if you do feel you've gotten the best out of this counsellor and you plateau. Then go to the next one AND the next.

 

I booked into the most reputable Psychologist here and saw her 4 days after my D Day. I'm a pretty brave person BUT THIS shattered me.

She asked what my Objective for Counselling was.

I thought for a while then said CLARITY.

I JUST WANT clarity.

I didn't KNOW WTF just happened.

I didn't know WHY I FELT so completely shattered.

 

She replied that I was grieving. This may apply to you at times.

I had trusted AGAIN.

Birthed sweet twin boys and another beautiful daughter.

Invested over 15y in this CREEP.

 

She said the depth of my grief was equal to the depth of my INVESTMENT in this marraige. I tell you now, this lowlife was NOT WORTH it.

I'd lost many relatives through death but this was staggering compared to even that.

 

I've been surrounded by Psychologists lol. At work. My neighbour. Paid ones. Thank God.

 

Now after enrolling the children in longitudinal counselling. From now until 25y free of charge, phew, I can begin looking after my own psychological health again for the NEXT step up in my growth and as I face the huge hurdles over the next 6-12+ months.

 

I've enrolled in a 10 week Course for women who've suffered domestic violence. I've had the 1st two 2:1 appointments. This is free of charge also.

 

The reason I mention this is because it's DESIGNED to reduce reliving trauma (yay) AND LEARNING HOW to get out of HIS head and into my own path.

 

Ofcourse I'm dealing with D and property Settlement plus child access. Plus working and raising 3 teens. And other projects lol. I have to get IN TO his head to sort out the incredible garbage he's left financially.

 

Plus a beautiful relationship. This is heavenly to "deal" with lol.

 

I'm very proud of you geo.

I hope you're proud of yourself!

Your daughter will be proud of you too. As all my children, friends and family are.

 

You are worth WAY more than being treated like an old paper bag to use and throw away. And so is your baby girl. Enjoy her. Smile alot at her. I used to sing to my baby girl instead of crying.

 

Now I sing to my grandson instead of crying at times.

Bake. Clean. Garden. Phone a friend or post here instead of spinning crap inside my head.

 

Giving you strength.

Lion Heart

[geogeo]

I had been doing better recently. I came back to the home but had been staying in a separate room. Meanwhile I've been looking for a place.

 

Expect I needed to call him about something and he ignored my call...it was important so I called back. He texted instead of calling me back.

 

I checked the call records and saw he has still been contacting her rather frequently. Even more now. He call her once I'm asleep. Why did I even look?

 

I didn't mention it to him but I feel like I've been hit by a train all over again.

 

What's funny is that he is being so rude towards me now. As if he is mad at me. Why would a cheater behave this way? Why would he be angry at the spouse he's cheating on?

[ChickiePops]

He's angry that you expect fidelity. How utterly disrespectful that he's still contacting her! Did you get a var?

[merrmeade]

What's funny is that he is being so rude towards me now. As if he is mad at me. Why would a cheater behave this way? Why would he be angry at the spouse he's cheating on?

I know. It's adding insult to injury. I've read about it here and realize it's a feature of affairs but still don't understand it. I look back and realize my WH did it to me and has no clue to this day the extent of the damage he did. About the best I can do for you in this regard is to say, yes, it's a thing; you're not the only one. I don't understand it either, but the fact is it's abusive and the natural reaction should be to protect yourself and stand up to it. Anything less is unnatural and gives the wrong message. The only message should be: You don't deserve it and shouldn't put up with it. It's about you, not him.

[Grapesofwrath]

This is definitely a common occurrence with cheaters and doesn't bode well for any kind of reconciliation. He is angry at you because you are not going along with his plan. You are threatening his self-concept that he is justified in cheating and still "a good guy." Very few people want to walk around thinking of themselves as being total *********s. Your insistence that he be honest, accountable, and transparent is forcing him to recognize that he is a lousy person, and he just doesn't want to do that. He is angry at you for "making" him do it and wishes you would just shut up so he can go back to viewing himself as someone who is justified in cheating and entitled to do what he wants, despite the damage he causes.

 

Please protect yourself from this person and get as far away as you can, as soon as you can.

 

B

[anika99]

I had been doing better recently. I came back to the home but had been staying in a separate room. Meanwhile I've been looking for a place.

 

Expect I needed to call him about something and he ignored my call...it was important so I called back. He texted instead of calling me back.

 

I checked the call records and saw he has still been contacting her rather frequently. Even more now. He call her once I'm asleep. Why did I even look?

 

I didn't mention it to him but I feel like I've been hit by a train all over again.

 

What's funny is that he is being so rude towards me now. As if he is mad at me. Why would a cheater behave this way? Why would he be angry at the spouse he's cheating on?

 

From what I've read it's rather common for the cheater to become openly hostile towards the BS once their infidelity is discovered, especially when the BS stands up for themselves and makes it known that they will not put up with an affair. I'm guessing that your husband is angry at you for ruining his fun. He liked being married and having his special friend and now he realizes he can't have both and that makes him mad. He's blaming you when he should be blaming himself.

 

Also it doesn't help that he is still involved with the OW. Right now she is stroking his ego, telling him that he is a special snowflake, while agreeing with him that you are unreasonable and he deserves better. He is in a fantasy land fairytale where he is the prince, the OW is the princess and you have been cast as the wicked witch. Stay strong and don't cave. Fairytales don't come true.

[flowergirl14]

I had been doing better recently. I came back to the home but had been staying in a separate room. Meanwhile I've been looking for a place.

 

Expect I needed to call him about something and he ignored my call...it was important so I called back. He texted instead of calling me back.

 

I checked the call records and saw he has still been contacting her rather frequently. Even more now. He call her once I'm asleep. Why did I even look?

 

I didn't mention it to him but I feel like I've been hit by a train all over again.

 

What's funny is that he is being so rude towards me now. As if he is mad at me. Why would a cheater behave this way? Why would he be angry at the spouse he's cheating on?

 

I believe I heard this on infidelity support group but cheaters often cycle through 3 stages. Rage, pity, charm. They turn the channel until they see what works. They want harmony not discorde. Try and grey rock him. Basically dont show him any emotion. Any care. He's looking to see what way will best manipulate you. If anger and rage gets you to do what he wants then he will continue. I woulnt be surprised if at somepoint he tries the charm card. Just remember its all the same manipulation on his part to get his desired outcome.

[S2B]

He's still communicating with her because he's had no real/harsh consequences.

 

He's not afraid of you taking action. He's not afraid of having his world turned upside down.

 

Why don't you blow up his world? Expose him. Serve him divorce papers. Make him move immediately...?

 

What can you take action on that will change things and put you in the driver's seat?

[Lion Heart]

I believe I heard this on infidelity support group but cheaters often cycle through 3 stages. Rage, pity, charm. They turn the channel until they see what works. They want harmony not discorde. Try and grey rock him. Basically dont show him any emotion. Any care. He's looking to see what way will best manipulate you. If anger and rage gets you to do what he wants then he will continue. I woulnt be surprised if at somepoint he tries the charm card. Just remember its all the same manipulation on his part to get his desired outcome.

 

Yes. Rage. Pity for himself at times, especially when he can't have what he wants instantly and charm at times.

I had this cycle on REPEAT constantly from exWH.

 

The rage was something to behold! It escalated at times to people having to hold him back from me, while I took my children and left.

 

I confronted all things I could immediately.

 

It had been too many years of Gaslighting and smoke screening.

 

Watch out for escalating behaviours when you OPPOSE him.

 

Once their world falls apart and you're not a silent accomplice to it anymore, things can get very ugly indeed.

 

Something that previous WH didn't do. So I didn't expect it.

 

There was no remorse from exWH (number 2) AT ALL.

Still isn't 22 months out.

 

He still uses times when we talk about the D or children to use that forum to blame shift etc.

I've given up explaining ANYTHING at all to him.

 

I've had TO RECOGNIZE when he's doing this then respond as such...."I'm simply not interested in discussing your emotional state on the subject. I'm divorcing you and therefore not responsible for you anymore. See a counsellor or tell your family. I'm not your family any more".

 

He hates it.

But there it is.

 

WH number 1 kept on his emotional phonecalls to me for 12y.

Never again.

 

YOU HAVE TO GET to a place where you care WAY more about you and your baby and YOUR FUTURES without him than him or the M he trashes daily.

 

Unremorseful serial cheaters just DON'T EVER GET IT.

All they want is FOR YOU TO STAY PUT AND SHUT UP AND ALLOW anything with a pretty smile on your face.

Lol. It's true!

 

They'll be happy with nothing less AND NEVER HAPPY with you anyway. This is all on them.

 

He will never stop while you're with him.

He'll never stop anyway!

Just get out because nothing will stop him.

 

Asap.

Lion Heart

[stillafool]

I had been doing better recently. I came back to the home but had been staying in a separate room. Meanwhile I've been looking for a place.

 

Expect I needed to call him about something and he ignored my call...it was important so I called back. He texted instead of calling me back.

 

I checked the call records and saw he has still been contacting her rather frequently. Even more now. He call her once I'm asleep. Why did I even look?

 

I didn't mention it to him but I feel like I've been hit by a train all over again.

 

What's funny is that he is being so rude towards me now. As if he is mad at me. Why would a cheater behave this way? Why would he be angry at the spouse he's cheating on?

 

Hopefully you will find a place to live soon so you can get away from him. Being there and knowing he wants this other woman is putting you in worse pain. You need to be away from him in order to heal. Just accept that they are going to be together and stop looking for proof. It will tear you apart. Just concentrate on your baby and finding a new place to live.

[Silveron]

Google Borderline Personality Disorder. Will give you a lot of insight. Could be that he has it.

[elaine567]

I believe I heard this on infidelity support group but cheaters often cycle through 3 stages. Rage, pity, charm. They turn the channel until they see what works...He's looking to see what way will best manipulate you. If anger and rage gets you to do what he wants then he will continue. I woulnt be surprised if at some point he tries the charm card. Just remember its all the same manipulation on his part to get his desired outcome.

 

Yes, that makes a lot of sense.