How to leave someone behind?

[breakfortheborder]

Long timer lurker, first time poster.

 

Hoping I can get some practical tips, self help advice etc.

 

Long ( embarrassing!) story, but here goes.

 

Almost 18 months ago I split up with my husband, he was in my life 20 years at that point, and I'm now at a stage where I have known him longer than I haven't, I'm 42.

 

We split because he basically was a serial cheat.

 

In the time we were together he had a number of affairs including two children behind my back, by two different women, and a two year affair, I say affair, it was more like a double life. He had told the other woman he was single, at the time his work took him all over the country and all over the UK, so he has the perfect excuse to be away for a few weeks at a time.

 

When I discovered this affair, it ended immediately, he was ashamed of himself, wanted it to end, wanted to be with me, etc etc.

 

He left the job he was in, come home, we tried to work it out, went to counselling, he come clean about his other affairs, and we stayed together for the next 20 months or so.

 

In that time I found him increasingly irritating, I couldn't bear being near him, I didn't believe a word that come out of his mouth, etc. So I asked him to leave.

 

In the 18 months that followed, I have experienced such a range of emotions, highs and lows, a complete rollercoaster. While I don't want to be with him, dont nor never will trust him again, I miss the craic with him etc, but that is it. I dont miss him as a husband. He proclaims that he loves me, always will, is full of regret etc.

 

I am ready to move on, ie date again. Although I don't want to meet a long term, exclusive, full time partner. I would like to meet someone else for the social and physical aspects of life.

 

I tried PoF but found it a mine field of men who wanted to meet up immediately for a one night stand, so I deleted that,

 

I dont want to go out looking a man, and would prefer to just meet someone at random, for fate to bring us together. Although I am wise enough to know this might never happen and if I want it enough I might have to go out looking. I do go to the gym , but I would prefer not to meet someone there, or to join any sort of club, just in the hope of meeting someone,

 

I am happy alone, I have a job that keeps me very busy also, and I rarely get lonely.

 

Myself and my ex husband have remained civil \ friendly. Although I do find at times when my mind wonders that i get really cross with him for doing what he did. The sheer level of betrayal, eg pretending to be working out of the country when he was living with this other woman, driving past my house to get to hers, etc.

 

I feel like it was all such a waste. Not one of the other women who he cheated with down the years has ever come looking for him to whisk them away. After all the woman he's been with, cheated on me with, he declares that it is me he wants, for me its just too late. I was totally devoted to him for years, and as far as I am concerned, it was then he should have been declaring his undying love, instead of denying my existence.

 

All that said, I still haven't made the final step and got with anyone else. My friends are telling me, to get over one man, you have to get under another.

 

I'm not sure I even know how to totally move on, I do try and keep busy, but at times my mind does wonder back to him. While i know I am a million times better off without him, some days I have to try really hard not to contact him.

 

How do you leave the past behind? Is a fling a good idea? Should I go looking or let mother nature take its course? Has anyone been in a similar situation and if so, how do you leave such a big part of your life behind?

[NTV]

I think you would just explore you... you all the things that you like to do all the things you wanted to do but never did. Have you heard of Meetup?

[breakfortheborder]

No, I didn't.

 

I already am doing lots, I work hard, walk, the gym, swimming etc.

[Miss Clavel]

i think you need more time. it takes about 2 years to realize it's really over, if you don't have PTSD, which i did. so for me, it took 5 years.

 

i got "under" as soon as the ink was dry. not sure it helped, but that's another story.

 

it did however, make the other ending, "final". if you take my meaning.

 

relax, give yourself time. maybe consider a younger man.

 

 

 

good luck

[breakfortheborder]

Can I ask why you recommend a younger man ( apart from the obvious!) my husband was 11 years older than me

 

I'm wondering can you ever put the whole heartbreak and heartache behind you?

 

I have only touched above on what he did to me, it took betrayal to a whole new level,

 

While I think a lot of people are capable of cheating, I think leading a double life takes a special kind of scumbag!

[Lion Heart]

Breakfortheborder

 

I like that name! Lol. Good analogy. JUST what you need to do emotionally speaking.

 

Well done for leaving a man who treated you as invisible.

I did too. (Long story too ?)

 

The fact that you're THINKING about being in a relationship with a new partner at all makes me KNOW you are ready to move on in the most critical ways.

 

What helped ME move on emotionally and discard any thoughts of reconciling with the STBexVWH was just THAT as a bottom line.

 

He's a confirmed SERIAL CHEAT.

He's mentally ill to have treated "the lerve of his life" (lol really? Wtf) like that.

To treat his CHILDREN and the family we created together like COMPLETE & UTTER trash.

 

HE IS NOT WORTH anything to us but pain and heartache.

 

He can be SOMEBODY ELSE'S problem now.

 

I wash my hands of him and the responsibility of being the crucible to catch whatever STDs he'll no doubt get.

 

I'm worth more than a free prostitute. He is not a gigolo lol though he thought it was ALL A BIT OF FUN.

 

IT DEVASTATED US.

 

I remember that.

 

Sure there are PLENTY of "good" memories to harken back to.

Now? THEY ARE BLACKENED AND MARRED with a dark lense of his multiple infidelities at the times.

I do NOT look at him with rose coloured glasses AT ALL.

 

I KNOW WHO he is now.

He was NOT the person I thought I married.

 

Yes I've "moved on" well and truly!!! In my mind to begin with. I totally checked OUT bit by bit from the moment of my D Day.

 

I was an emotional mess for months and months.

Suicidal at times, I see now BECAUSE I WAS trying to reconcile with a known cheater.

Something that goes COMPLETELY against my grain as a human being.

Reconciliation was a veritable HELL for me.

 

20 minutes after I got home on my D Day I cleaned out WH bank account. Left 20c or $1 I think.

He owed me THOUSANDS of $$.

I'd just paid out his next overblown credit card of $6,500 AGAIN.

I WAS PI$$ED.

 

8am the day after my D Day, after 1.5h sleep, still drunk probably! I started separating every financial thing I could. Booked into the best Psychologist here.

Week by hellish week I moved EVERYTHING of mine financially OUT.

 

He came back the next morning (I know NOW under his lawyers advice - disgusting flea had been seeking lawyers guidance for over a decade. Been doing everything he could since the moment we met to fleece me).

He wanted to "reconcile".

 

Anyway more to your points.

6 weeks after D Day I'd written the LIST OF MY NEXT PARTNER. Whether it be him or ANY other SINGLE man lol.

 

I WROTE WHAT I WANTED down very clearly.

I focussed on separating AND reconciling.

 

I focussed on my career as best I could and was a shaking mess 24/7. Sought counselling diligently. Thick and often.

 

I was in a WILD HURRY TO HEAL.

Get that garbage out of my life and into my past.

 

I found LS a few weeks after my D Day. Dec 2014.

 

So 9 months AFTER my initial D Day I threatened a lie detector test and found out about ALL the other 15-25+ OWs. The number makes little difference. WHO they were did! My gf of many decades. A 70y old woman. My old neighbour was hit on many times by him etc etc.

 

I took him to our GP who prescribed meds immediately and referred him to a Psychiatrist and Psychologist. I was getting him stable for the kids to GET HIM OUT.

 

AND BECAME friends with many men during that time.

"Friends" in it's purest form.

 

Some had made it clear what they wanted.

I dropped those friendships or distanced those.

 

After the next disclosure of WHs gambling addiction.

I declared definitive divorce.

 

I flew out to meet one man who'd become one of my closest friends. He APPEARED to be everything on my LIST. We were "exclusive" before I flew to meet him.

 

It's been almost a year now and he is WAY more than my list lol.

 

I had another marraige proposal this year but I'm not looking for anybody else.

 

There's are SO MANY gorgeous men out there.

Some betrayed also who just GET IT.

Some divorced and broken hearted.

All of us healing slowly at times.

 

I don't use online dating. Though I'm happy to say I met the most beautiful man I've ever been with, here.

 

Just LET THINGS happen.

Treat today as the day you might just meet someone at the gas station. (I was asked out on a date last week by a man at a gas station filling his huge restored car lol).

 

Get the FEELING inside you of anticipation to meet the next guy BUT BE VERY CLEAR with yourself WHAT you want.

At first I was just like you.

I thought I wanted string free stuff. But I didn't. It's just not me to have ONS or FWB stuff.

I was happier focussing on straightening out my life as best I could.

 

Preparing to meet my next long term partner.

 

Lion Heart

[Bufo]

Step 1 is to get a final divorce. Not sure you are in that status. If not it will scare away some decent guys who see nothing but trouble in dating a married woman. (Yes such guys do exist contrary to what you might believe reading OW threads).

If you are divorced then just be available. Sports leagues, adventure type of outings (I.e. Not always the art museum or the opera supporters meetings) customers at work (no idea if you have outside contacts there but stay away from co-workers).

 

Most available guys will have baggage like children or crazy exes. Don't involve yourself in that right away.

 

And remember, he is as uncertain as you. Just be yourself as you're not doing a sales job on him.

[breakfortheborder]

Sorry, I seemed to have maybe posted in the wrong forum? Is this for USA only? Its just I live in Ireland, a small, semi remote area, but I'm guessing from some of the terminology that everyone else is American?

 

I'm not divorced, I wont be getting divorced, I dont see the merit in it, I actually don't even view myself as married to be honest. If he wishes to divorce me I will be more than happy to let him, but I'm not starting the process to get stuck with the bill. We have no assets to split etc.

 

There's no sports league or museums in this area, it is quite remote. I do keep busy, and when I have spare time, I dont feel lonely etc.

 

Sorry if I'm in the wrong place.

[Marc878]

You're in the right place. Nationality doesn't matter.

 

As for your question there is no timetable. You do need to learn to live alone first. There are a lot of benefits to that. When you've adjusted you'll know when.

Never rush into a rebound.

[breakfortheborder]

I'm happy alone, in my own company. I never feel lonely, I am without him this past 18 months, and previously to that he was here sporadically while living his double life.

 

Its more hurt, memories, thoughts, feelings etc, how do you leave that behind, I know there's no magic spell, but how do you stop the mind from wandering, I fear there's no answer other than, time heals? Thanks for all the advice so far

[oldshirt]

I'm happy alone, in my own company. I never feel lonely, I am without him this past 18 months, and previously to that he was here sporadically while living his double life.

 

Its more hurt, memories, thoughts, feelings etc, how do you leave that behind, I know there's no magic spell, but how do you stop the mind from wandering, I fear there's no answer other than, time heals? Thanks for all the advice so far

 

The more you live your own life more fully without him, the less you will miss him.

 

In a short matter if time you will meet and become involved with someone better than him. Once that relationship takes root, he will just be a person of your past and just another memory.

 

What time does is not eliminate your memories, but rather is fades the emotional impact if your memories. You'll still remember things ( both the good and the bad). But you won't have the emotional response to either. It will just be another memory.

[Mr. Lucky]

I'm not divorced, I wont be getting divorced, I dont see the merit in it, I actually don't even view myself as married to be honest. If he wishes to divorce me I will be more than happy to let him, but I'm not starting the process to get stuck with the bill. We have no assets to split etc.

 

There are assets other than physical.

 

As things stand, you're a married woman. You seem to see yourself that way, your husband sees you that way and I'd guess others - including any interested men - also see you that way. To me, it would be worth the expense to cut that symbolic bond and start on the next phase of your life.

 

Do they tell this joke in Ireland?

 

Q - Why is divorce so expensive?

A - Because it's so worth it.

 

Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lois_Griffin]

After all the woman he's been with, cheated on me with, he declares that it is me he wants, for me its just too late. I was totally devoted to him for years, and as far as I am concerned, it was then he should have been declaring his undying love, instead of denying my existence.

He's not unique.

 

In any way.

 

Pretty much ALL serial cheaters want their 'mommy' to come home to, to keep their lives on track, to provide that 'center' for them while they're out living their double life.

 

His cheating was never about losing what he had at home - it was all about adding to what he already had.

 

Because he's a selfish, self-involved, self-absorbed, self-entitled jerk who lived to please himself at YOUR expense.

 

When you peel away all the empty, sugary nonsense he's been spewing at you about being 'the only one he wants' and LOOK at his actions for the last 20 years, I don't know how you don't laugh right in his face.

[breakfortheborder]

There are assets other than physical.

 

As things stand, you're a married woman. You seem to see yourself that way, your husband sees you that way and I'd guess others - including any interested men - also see you that way. To me, it would be worth the expense to cut that symbolic bond and start on the next phase of your life.

 

Do they tell this joke in Ireland?

 

Q - Why is divorce so expensive?

A - Because it's so worth it.

 

Something to think about...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I definitely don't see myself as married, I never changed my name etc.

 

I dont see why I should be lumbered with the bill for a divorce that I didn't cause. If he presented me with papers I will gladly sign them and let him foot the bill, he would have to wait until next May though as we need to be separated two years with consent from the other partner, which I will gladly give.

 

I'm already living hand to mouth most months, and its really not an expense I need to undertake.

[MJJean]

In the US, we can act as our own attorneys. My divorce was uncontested, nothing to fight over but the kids and he didn't want them full or even 50% of the time, so it only cost me $219.00 in filing fees and some additional monies for parking at the courthouse the day I filed and again the day we went for the final judgement. Is there any way you can do your own divorce filing?

 

I understand about not feeling married. I detached from my exH long before the divorce was final. The problem is that you are actually a married woman and people will still see you that way. And, just maybe, having that last connection severed will help you move on.

[Mr. Lucky]

I definitely don't see myself as married, I never changed my name etc.

 

Seems to contradict this:

 

I'm not sure I even know how to totally move on, I do try and keep busy, but at times my mind does wonder back to him. While i know I am a million times better off without him, some days I have to try really hard not to contact him.

 

While I agree the distinction - married or not - is mostly symbolic in your case, sometimes just the act of cutting the cord is liberating, allows you to operate a little more freely. YMMV...

 

Mr. Lucky

[harrybrown]

When my son's wife cheated on him, I helped him get out of that marriage.

 

I do not know if you have a courthouse nearby, but I completed the paperwork that I received from the courthouse.

 

Hopefully you could get the paperwork completed and be free of your H.

 

Then you would really be free to start a new romance.

 

Hope you do find a way to be happy.

 

That way if you have a relationship, your H could not say you cheated.

[Grapesofwrath]

B4TB: Time is definitely your ally in healing. Another thing that can help is coming to understand that we can control our thoughts. Imagine that thoughts are like clouds...they float into your mind, and you can then decide whether you want to stare into them more deeply, or just let them float right back out. Perhaps with a gentle nudge.

 

In your case, when warm thoughts of the man who so cruelly betrayed you start to float into your mind, gently nudge them back out again and instead focus your thoughts on something that benefits you. Anything healthy that feeds your soul.

 

This takes practice, and before long you will be very good at it.

 

p.s. If there is any way possible, get a divorce. It will make a difference in how you feel.

[breakfortheborder]

I honestly don't get this big emphasis on divorce.

 

I dont have the money to divorce him, and I can safely say the process is a lot different in Ireland.

 

We were together over 20 years, only married 7.

 

It's not how I see myself, I'm not Mrs BFTB, or Mr BFTBs wife etc.

 

I'm not, nor will I be in the foreseeable, getting divorced.

 

Thanks for all the other advice tho,

[Mr. Lucky]

 

I'm not, nor will I be in the foreseeable, getting divorced.

 

 

Perhaps Irish men are different. What happens when, in casual first date conversation, you mention "I'm still married to Mr. BFTB"?

 

Mr. Lucky

[breakfortheborder]

But I am not married, I am separated,

 

Is that not a marital status in USA?

 

Here you can be either legally separated, ( go through the courts, costs around £400 pounds sterling)

 

Or separate informally, whereby you just inform any relevant department as need be, eg social services, social security, inland revenue etc.

 

I am separated, not married, not divorced.

[BTDT2012]

But I am not married, I am separated,

 

Is that not a marital status in USA?

 

Here you can be either legally separated, ( go through the courts, costs around £400 pounds sterling)

 

Or separate informally, whereby you just inform any relevant department as need be, eg social services, social security, inland revenue etc.

 

I am separated, not married, not divorced.

 

Separated is not single. Some states here recognize a legal separation, but separated people are still married.

[breakfortheborder]

My point is I am not emotionally married, and I don't need to get a divorce to feel single,

 

I live a single persons life, and I'm recognised as separated here.

 

Its not part the process I need to do to move on, and leave the past behind.

 

Divorce to me, is just a piece of paper, albeit, a very expensive one.

[angel.eyes]

First, I'm sorry you had to deal with a two-faced hound dog. No one deserves what you went through. Time is the best healer.

 

As far as being legally separated vs. divorced, when you start dating, it will impact the range and quality of men willing to date you. It will also impact how you're viewed by some men you date--as a prospect for a long-term relationship vs. just for something casual.

 

Where I live, people have to be legally separated for a year before they can divorce.

 

To me, and most other singles with lots of options, we wouldn't touch a separated person with a ten-foot pole. They are all over the place emotionally and in their thought processes...as evidenced in your posts (no offence).

 

Anyway, you mentioned that you're living hand-to-mouth right now. There is so much on your plate--dealing with the fallout from your ex' betrayal, getting your finances in order, etc. I wouldn't even consider dating right now.

[MJJean]

My point is I am not emotionally married, and I don't need to get a divorce to feel single,

 

I live a single persons life, and I'm recognised as separated here.

 

Its not part the process I need to do to move on, and leave the past behind.

 

Divorce to me, is just a piece of paper, albeit, a very expensive one.

 

Well, yes, but you're operating on the assumption that you won't find a partner and want to marry. None know what the future holds. Might as well start the process now so that it's done just in case.

 

You're also shrinking your dating pool unnecessarily as many men who would make fine romantic partners won't date a married woman, separated or no.

 

US law is different depending on which state you live in, but here legally separated isn't even recognized in some states and in others one can only become legally separated by filing for divorce. When, in terms of length of marriage, a couple separates (where allowed by law) or divorces has a HUGE impact on things like what is and is not considered a marital asset, what is and is not considered a joint debt, alimony, and on and on. Not to mention, those legally married still share legal liability for the actions of the other, eg; debts, lawsuits, etc.

 

So, that's why we're so big on divorce on the US side.

 

Is this a cultural thing where, due to the divorce laws, when a marriage fails there is a "social divorce" that most find to be as good as an actual divorce? Is it common for legally married people to just move on and even live and share lives with new partners without ever officially severing their ties to their spouses?