How to leave someone behind?

[angel.eyes]

Well, if the new partners married, that would be bigamy. That's illegal in most places.

[breakfortheborder]

I will never marry again, I am not interested in ever marrying again.

 

Just like I am not interested in starting divorce proceedings. Why should I be stuck with the expense of it apart from anything else.

 

Its not a step I need to take to feel like I am moving on.

 

Here is totally different, being separated is recognised.

[angel.eyes]

Legal separation is recognized in many places. But, you're separated, not single. Anyway, back to the question you posed, with time, you'll get over it and move on.

[breakfortheborder]

Well, if the new partners married, that would be bigamy. That's illegal in most places.

 

Its only bigamy if you marry the new partner, surely dating is permitted?

[breakfortheborder]

Legal separation is recognized in many places. But, you're separated, not single. Anyway, back to the question you posed, with time, you'll get over it and move on.

 

And I'm fine with being just that, ie separated,

[angel.eyes]

Okay, this is like an obese person dating, who says he or she perfectly fine and happy being fat. That's just great, but it changes the range and quality of your dating options and narrows them significantly. Like it or not, that fat person will have fewer prospects interested. Those prospects (guys in your case) who have any interest will generally not be as great, and of those, a good chunk would be interested in something casual, but not see her as a potential partner for a long-term relationship.

 

Can she end up in a long-term relationship? Of course, but it will be much harder to get there, and she will do so with a less desirable candidate than she could otherwise get. That she is perfectly comfortable and happy with her expansive girth is completely irrelevant. What matters is the way she is viewed by the men she is trying to attract and date. Separated in the dating world is another major handicap.

 

Anyway, it sounds like you've never really dated. I suspect that's why you're so taken aback by everyone's focus on divorce in the context of dating.

 

Of course, another major issue is liability. The guy led a double life. Do you really want to be tied in any way to someone so untrustworthy? No way would most people put themselves at risk for being accountable for his shenanigans.

[breakfortheborder]

You know I posted the exact same post on an Irish forum, and not one person has even mentioned divorce, what does that say?

 

We don't have the same interest \ obsession \ focus on the whole issue of divorce.

 

Why would anyone even dream about holding me accountable for what my ex has done? If anyone did, it would say more about the type of person they are.

[Lion Heart]

But I am not married, I am separated,

 

Is that not a marital status in USA?

 

Here you can be either legally separated, ( go through the courts, costs around £400 pounds sterling)

 

Or separate informally, whereby you just inform any relevant department as need be, eg social services, social security, inland revenue etc.

 

I am separated, not married, not divorced.

 

It's very similar in Australia too. The formal separation (for us) is noted in a Govt office. I put that in the moment STBexWH left the home.

 

I'd tried to register a couple of days after announcing definitive divorce to him. When I merely brought up this action, he spiked and went crazy for weeks (months). I sensed I was in danger to carry out such action whilst he still lived in the home. Although we had separate bedrooms etc.

 

After I got him out. I went to register immediately. Although a process free of cost, it took many hours. He'd already been in twice I found out and had lied both times to extract money from the Govt illegally.

 

So INDEED WHs behaviours spiked again from another residence but the formal process had begun. Phew.

 

In Australia MANY MANY people remain M but separated for years. It is expensive here and no concrete way to split that cost 50/50.

 

For some the term "divorced" is shameful.

 

There's also a religious aspect for some.

 

ExWH family's religion espouses no divorce.

But as I pointed out to them cited from their Bible too, there is ONE reason only for divorce...INFIDELITY.

 

You'd think such "pious" & so called religious people would KNOW their holy book.

 

My parents were Missionaries in a much more humble religion. Same Bible.

 

Still for me facing my 3rd Divorce and having EXWH family bash me over the head with their version of the Bible much harder after D Day, I was NOT nor ever have been proud to be divorced.

 

Until now.

 

Leaving a highly abusive relationship should have no shame. Women (and men) have had to stay in shocking Ms for WAY too long in history.

Due to shame.

Religious beliefs.

Fear.

 

NOW I AM proud of showing my children that YOU CAN LEAVE any time you decide. I did commit my life to my H each time.

It was them who didn't live up to the commitment outlined in our Wedding vows.

 

I'm not faultless.

But I was never unfaithful.

I was true to my SELF.

 

Divorce isn't an easy thing to consider.

 

For me (not so my exHs) it sets me free. Of them.

And as a previous member posted, just the ACT of D can have a psychological effect in making that closure POSSIBLE.

 

My exWH only said last night over a weekly phonecall to put off the D until next year.....

 

No. There'll be NO delay.

The MOMENT it can be done, it will be done.

I have never wanted anything more in my life before than firm closure to the living hell he put me through.

I said I'd not eat for 2 months and sell whatever I can put my hands on TO MAKE IT HAPPEN ON TIME.

 

The "good" times I once looked back on fondly are now heavily shaded in a dark lense.

Now I've imagined those times without him even in the picture.

Psychological photoshop lol.

 

I'VE CUT HIM OUT ICILY.

 

Should he DARE speak fondly.

I sharply say "It was ALL ONE LONG LIE".

End of that rubbish.

 

Hence my move from despondency or ANY shame.

To pride and GRATITUDE that I have ANOTHER chance for a brand new Volume in my life.

 

I hope you can truly "break" this for yourself. Sooner rather than later. For your own sake.

 

Lion Heart

[Lion Heart]

You know I posted the exact same post on an Irish forum, and not one person has even mentioned divorce, what does that say?

 

We don't have the same interest \ obsession \ focus on the whole issue of divorce.

 

Why would anyone even dream about holding me accountable for what my ex has done? If anyone did, it would say more about the type of person they are.

 

True. It IS cultural.

 

I'm in an exclusive relationship with an American man.

 

He waited until he was divorced before he dated on any intimate level.

He wanted to wait until I was divorced BEFORE even meeting.

 

It's VERY different here.

Many separated people ARE in defacto relationships.

 

Once it's STATED. Then we are almost as good as divorced.

 

But when I had a bf who was separated but remained legally M, I couldn't understand WHY he'd repeatedly propose M to me.

Divorce first.

But I think he was afraid to.

I could never say yes.

 

Now my American bf is more cognizant of the understandings here. I understand the "exclusive" commitment from American culture.

 

We've melded both culture's societal "norms" as you may say.

From reading this Thread alone I can SEE the explicit expectations of US Culture and I completely get it as rational and clear cut.

 

It's not bad or awful in Ireland or Australia, just DIFFERENT.

 

Though it's also clear to me that my bf for one has had to endure many months of supporting me from a distance as the craziness carries on entailed in formally separating and divorcing.

 

1 year wait here too.

A happier set up in California! Only 6 months.

 

Just FYI.

 

Lion Heart