10 years and it is finally over - warning

[pkn06002]

Hi everyone,

I used to be a poster here way back in 2008 and have a bit of an update and a sad story.

 

Update:

My affair that ended back in 2008 restarted in 2010 and continued emotional until last October when the married other woman got a divorce. We got physical again for 2 months then she called it off not liking the idea of not being to only person in my life.

 

I did try to break is off saying I understood but she convinced me to stay in her life since she liked talking to me blah blah blah. This whole time I am debating leaving my wife for her but she said she did not want to be the cause of me leaving. I had one request about staying talking with her and that was that I wanted her to let me know if she found someone she liked and was going to date so I could leave her alone and not get hurt.

 

Sad story:

Well that last request did not happen. I go notified that she was dating someone via a facebook relationship notification. What most people do those after dating someone for 2-3 months, the whole time she was talking to me and telling me about stuff she loved about me.

So when I asked her about it a lot of "I'm sorry", "I still love you" blah blah blah.......

 

Warning:

If you are in an affair get OUT it is not what you think it is. You are **** buddies at best maybe LWP (lust with possibilities) at best.

When you get hurt (and you will) learn from it. I am learning that every woman I have ever told I love you has one serious character flaw they are passive aggressive to the hilt. Now that i know that it is a character flaw I need to get away from because it came from my dysfunctional childhood and will doom any relationship I ever have. That trait is in my wife that will be ending soon as well.

 

For the BS that are sure to comment the wife knows EVERYTHING at this point I hit the mental breaking point and spilled it all after the FB notification, that was the kick in the ass I needed to break.

 

Get out folks I know the emotions are strong and it all feels like love but it is not that. You are someone to tide them over until they can find a relationship in the real world then you will be thrown the curb like a piece of trash.

 

Final Part:

I did finally get mad at the OW and sent her a great last e-mail stating she hurt me, she's a bitch, she's a coward (couldn't tell me upfront), F... her, the door is closed forever. Having 10 years of your feelings treated like they don't exist is a bit of a trigger for me it seems.

Edited October 1, 2016 by pkn06002

[ShatteredLady]

Are you now going to divorce your wife & move on?

 

Why didn't you ever leave your wife before? That's a very long time to be in an affair. Did your OW believe you were going to get divorced to when she made the move? Had you guys talked about a future together?

 

Are there children involved on either side?

 

What are your plans now?

[pkn06002]

The wife and I are trying "one more time" since now everything has hit rock bottom and finally she sees everything as "serious". This is after going to consulting and trying since 2005 or so. There were times I really threw myself into the effort especially between 2008 and 2010 to no benefit since she likes the status quo.

The wife's issues are around sex and now I notice the passive aggressive even more, so I am leaning towards leaving and moving on. Yes one child involved.

 

Like in all affairs the OW and I did talk about futures etc... But why did I not divorce the answer of children. She never pressured me to leave once she had her divorce if she had asked me to leave for her I would've but she multiple times said she did not want to be the reason I divorced. Now I see that was a wise choice to of made. Since that "relationship" might of lasted a year at most.

 

No plans with OW I am done with her! The passive aggressive BS she pulled really triggered a response in me and I'm done since it is not the first time she pulled this crap on me. I can see the pattern of passive aggressive crap better now that the fog is going and I am pissed.

 

My plans are eventually going to be work on me and try to change this broken thinking of loving passive aggressive types that do nothing but hurt me in the end.

Edited October 1, 2016 by pkn06002

[dubliner]

You sound so angry at your exOW like she owes you something and didn't come good. Yet here you are still married, going to have another shot at it...10 years of lying to your wife, 10 years of using the OW to fill the gaps.

What did you really expect from the OW? The OW who was right in saying you shouldn't leave 'for' her, because you should leave for YOU because it's right for YOU.

You expected honesty? Loyalty? If you ask me it's a bit of karma, I imagine your wife feels very much like you do now.

I suspect after a year of being single your OW came to the realisation you were a dead end and got on with her life. She didn't owe you an explanation, nor to spare your feelings, you two were in collusion for 10 years, it's not a passive aggressive character trait, it's a selfish deceptive one you both share.

So...What are you really angry about?

[Satu]

Some things end badly because thats the only way they can end.

[ShatteredLady]

Does your wife know about your affair?

 

It's impossible to work on a marriage while actively in an affair. Anyway, the way you talk about your wife & your apparent lack of any kind of remorse doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship.

 

It looks like an amicable divorce & healthy coparenting is the best outcome at this point. I hate to see marriages (particularly with children involved) fail like this but you don't seem to have much to work with. I don't know how much rewriting of marital history is going on but your contempt for your wife is clear.

[Poppy47]

It is quite ironic.... MM ranting because xOW has the absolute temerity to date somebody and not tell him personally.

 

YOu are still married.... RIGHT?

 

She is single ..... RIGHT?

 

What is your problem ? There is no nice etiquette in affairs. People do exactly what they want.

 

Poppy.

[pkn06002]

You sound so angry at your exOW like she owes you something and didn't come good. Yet here you are still married, going to have another shot at it...10 years of lying to your wife, 10 years of using the OW to fill the gaps.

What did you really expect from the OW? The OW who was right in saying you shouldn't leave 'for' her, because you should leave for YOU because it's right for YOU.

You expected honesty? Loyalty? If you ask me it's a bit of karma, I imagine your wife feels very much like you do now.

I suspect after a year of being single your OW came to the realisation you were a dead end and got on with her life. She didn't owe you an explanation, nor to spare your feelings, you two were in collusion for 10 years, it's not a passive aggressive character trait, it's a selfish deceptive one you both share.

So...What are you really angry about?

 

Oh you are right I am angry at her, go back and read how she answered me when I asked her about finding someone. I was not mad at the fact she found someone I was mad at the way she finally told me. Then to have her go on about how she "still loves me and always will" and how she is "sad we can't get our timing right to be together but life is long". Told in a "nice way" I would've walked away fine still holding good memories of her. But it seems she very much trying to keep me as Plan B since I have always been Plan B and there for her when she needed me. Did you read where i mentioned SHE was the one that wanted to stay in contact I wanted to break if off in January, but I didn't so you're right I deserved every bit of this.

 

But like I mentioned OW is massively passive aggressive and has done this type of thing before. But I brushed it off before this time I couldn't for the simple was not longer seeing her.

 

What am I mad at is this, I was dumb enough to not realize that I have been trying to rebuild my screwed up childhood with woman that I have the same dynamic with as they did. So in effect I have learned a good lesson about how stupid and broken I actually am.

Edited October 1, 2016 by pkn06002

[ChickiePops]

So divorce your wife and propose to the OW..what's stopping you?

[pkn06002]

So divorce your wife and propose to the OW..what's stopping you?

 

No I am done with her I now see she has traits that I don't want.

 

Plus marriage once I leave this one never going back.

[ChickiePops]

Good point but I was stupid enough to believe the "I love you's" that were still going on WHILE she was dating this new guy.

 

And she was stupid enough to believe you WHILE you are still married to your wife. So...you literally have zero right to be upset. I hope she's having fantastic sex with him.

[anika99]

Wow you sure do feel sorry for yourself and you sure do like to blame other people for your own short comings. So your OW was dishonest with you and lied. You find those traits unacceptable yet those are your traits. You have spent years lying and being dishonest.

 

 

It's all your wife's fault because she is just so damn passive aggressive but what could be more passive aggressive than carrying on a affair for years?

 

 

Look in the mirror and fix your own character flaws.

[pkn06002]

Wow you sure do feel sorry for yourself and you sure do like to blame other people for your own short comings. So your OW was dishonest with you and lied. You find those traits unacceptable yet those are your traits. You have spent years lying and being dishonest.

 

 

It's all your wife's fault because she is just so damn passive aggressive but what could be more passive aggressive than carrying on a affair for years?

 

 

Look in the mirror and fix your own character flaws.

 

I was about to post something just like this so thank you!.

 

Yes I was stupid enough to expect honor among thieves which left me feeling betrayed.

 

I thank you for point out just how silly and stupid my post was from the get go because your right.

[Bufo]

Somebody somewhere posted a wise saying:

 

Things usually end badly or they wouldn't have ended.

 

Game over and time to move on? Make sure you apply NC or you'll just be spinning your wheels.

[Raena]

As much as I'd like to jump on the bandwagon of telling you that you are getting exactly what you deserve, I won't.

 

You are in pain and need some help. I hope you go get some and do some soul searching to figure out why you've made the choices you've made. Otherwise you are doomed to keep repeating it.

[WomenWubber]

I'm a firm believer of like attracts like.

 

Maybe it's time you subscribe to that belief as well.

[lemondrop21]

10 years (!!!) of playing the affair game and even a saint would act "passive aggressive."

 

Your own anger is blinding you from realizing that her dating someone new may not be entirely about the new guy, but rather:

a. A way to force your hand and see if you'll leave your marriage once and for all (which you won't), or

b. A way to help her move on emotionally from you before she totally breaks ties, because after ten years and her own divorce I imagine she's pretty emotionally enmeshed with you and you have given her no indication of providing her a possible future.

 

I bet that forcing herself to go and date was really hard for her at first but she knew it was the right thing to do. You had been on the fence about leaving your BW for TEN YEARS. She had finally cleaned up her life and left her marriage. She knew she deserved a chance at happiness and was tired of waiting in the wings.

 

I just hope that now, your BW comes to her senses and ends things. Imagine what she would think about your marriage if she were to read this post. You seem to have fessed up to your affair, not out of guilt, but out of anger at your OW having moved on (?!?!?). And yet you complain about both women and their "passive aggressive behavior."

 

Pot, meet kettle.

[Pete2304]

I've been posting here for a few weeks now and have been fairly active in that time, mainly because it's been a hell of a good release when I'm having one of those nights where sleep is impossible because the thoughts won't go away but I can honestly say in that time I've never been anything but polite, even if I'vr been disagreeing with things people have said but....

 

I've just discovered that I've been cheated on numerous times and spanning pretty much my entire ten year marriage and I'm sorry to say that I think you are utterly self absorbed. A sad story you say? What's sad, that you and the woman you have been having an affair with didn't live happily ever after? I would say good, I'm glad because why should you get the happy ending? If you didn't want to be with your wife then you should have told her years ago, by now she would have had the chance to move on and make a whole new life with someone else but no, you chose the cowards way and kept her hanging on. You know when you're being cheated on and it's a dreadful feeling. Not once have you mentioned how sorry you are for taking ten years of your wife's life away.

 

Maybe if you have a new relationship in the future you might act differently because if you don't, one day you will be sat there reflecting on your life and wondering why you are on own. Only, deep down you will know why.

[imperfectangel]

I feel like this is the type of thing my mm would post if he ever came to LS.

 

Maybe your ow moved on because she knew you'd never leave?

 

She is single now if you want her go get her or be honest with your wife and repair your marriage

[sandylee1]

You're blaming everyone but yourself. If you wanted the OW you would have left your wife. You call the OW PA, yet I'm sure she'd probably have a few words to describe you too.

 

You've deceived your wife for 10 years!!! Yet your so angry with your OW. Why expect any decency from a woman who cheats on her H and with an MM.

[dreamingoftigers]

The wife and I are trying "one more time" since now everything has hit rock bottom and finally she sees everything as "serious". This is after going to consulting and trying since 2005 or so. There were times I really threw myself into the effort especially between 2008 and 2010 to no benefit since she likes the status quo.

The wife's issues are around sex and now I notice the passive aggressive even more, so I am leaning towards leaving and moving on. Yes one child involved.

 

Like in all affairs the OW and I did talk about futures etc... But why did I not divorce the answer of children. She never pressured me to leave once she had her divorce if she had asked me to leave for her I would've but she multiple times said she did not want to be the reason I divorced. Now I see that was a wise choice to of made. Since that "relationship" might of lasted a year at most.

 

No plans with OW I am done with her! The passive aggressive BS she pulled really triggered a response in me and I'm done since it is not the first time she pulled this crap on me. I can see the pattern of passive aggressive crap better now that the fog is going and I am pissed.

 

My plans are eventually going to be work on me and try to change this broken thinking of loving passive aggressive types that do nothing but hurt me in the end.

 

You should recognize that cheating is a highly passive-aggressive behaviour.

 

In fact, I am trying to find a more blatant example of passive-aggressive behaviour and simply can't.

 

I think the only real chance you have for personal growth and the potential of having a healthy relationship in the future is by taking SERIOUS, SERIOUS stock of your own poor boundaries and where your actions are not in line with healthy and assertive communication.

 

My husband has had SERIOUS issues with passive-aggressive communication and I actually respect his confronting those issues head-on when they came to light. He went to courses etc about healthy communication.

 

Unfortunately, it took years of damage for him to do so. And he was doing really well until last month he pulled some total BS. Since he was so great with me for so long before reverting to this, I feel like maybe I can never really trust him.

 

IDK what you and your wife can possibly do. I don't see how she would be able to trust YOU after TEN YEARS of lying to her and stepping outside the marriage. Regardless of how poor her communication may be.

 

In fact, at first you stated it was ending soon. Now it does that you'll "go along with" whatever she wants to try, but really keeping one foot out the door.

 

That's really just adding more passive-aggressive crap to the situation. Why not just tell her you really feel over?

 

Is it because she's still of use to you somehow?

[dreamingoftigers]

I was about to post something just like this so thank you!.

 

Yes I was stupid enough to expect honor among thieves which left me feeling betrayed.

 

I thank you for point out just how silly and stupid my post was from the get go because your right.

 

Good, glad I got to this post.

 

A lot of MM NEVER realize this, so you are a step ahead of the game.

 

Figure out what you want in life and in relationships.

 

But also figure out what you have TO OFFER.

 

Don't expect to find a relationship where what the other person offers greatly outweighs yours. They won't stick around. Don't aim at settling either, you'll just end up pining or screwing around. Fr.some evenness

[dubliner]

Oh you are right I am angry at her, go back and read how she answered me when I asked her about finding someone. I was not mad at the fact she found someone I was mad at the way she finally told me. Then to have her go on about how she "still loves me and always will" and how she is "sad we can't get our timing right to be together but life is long". Told in a "nice way" I would've walked away fine still holding good memories of her. But it seems she very much trying to keep me as Plan B since I have always been Plan B and there for her when she needed me. Did you read where i mentioned SHE was the one that wanted to stay in contact I wanted to break if off in January, but I didn't so you're right I deserved every bit of this.

 

But like I mentioned OW is massively passive aggressive and has done this type of thing before. But I brushed it off before this time I couldn't for the simple was not longer seeing her.

 

What am I mad at is this, I was dumb enough to not realize that I have been trying to rebuild my screwed up childhood with woman that I have the same dynamic with as they did. So in effect I have learned a good lesson about how stupid and broken I actually am.

 

I never said you deserved it, but yes you should have expected it, you play the game, you get hurt, it's a no brainer.

 

Did you ever stop to consider how your OW felt as your 'plan B'? Wasn't she there for YOU when you needed her too? Didn't you kick her to the curb every time you went home to your W? By your actions you never offered her a future of you and her. She sorted her life out and became available, you continued in your marriage. No one forced you to stay in contact, you had the ability to severe ties all along but you made the choice not to, or are you are a passenger in your life, a life where you allow things to happen 'to you' , the constant deflection of responsibility? Do you MAKE things happen? Do you drive your own life?

 

You say she told you in an unkind way about her new relationship, did you consider that actually she was being honest? That she does still love you, but knowing by your actions that there was no future with you, other than as a mistress, she had to seek her future elsewhere? Perhaps she found it hard to break from you until she found another who would fill the gap. Isn't that what you were both doing for 10 years? She may not be dumping you because you mean nothing, she may be simply letting you go.

I think in your anger and frustration the pity party has got out of hand, you can't see the bigger picture here.

Personally I would suggest you don't focus on your M for now but get IC and work on yourself, you need some serious guided introspection before you can even think about being a true partner to another.

[pkn06002]

I never said you deserved it, but yes you should have expected it, you play the game, you get hurt, it's a no brainer.

 

Did you ever stop to consider how your OW felt as your 'plan B'? Wasn't she there for YOU when you needed her too? Didn't you kick her to the curb every time you went home to your W? By your actions you never offered her a future of you and her. She sorted her life out and became available, you continued in your marriage. No one forced you to stay in contact, you had the ability to severe ties all along but you made the choice not to, or are you are a passenger in your life, a life where you allow things to happen 'to you' , the constant deflection of responsibility? Do you MAKE things happen? Do you drive your own life?

 

She never was my 'plan B' to be honest I don't know how I would describe what I wanted out of her. You are right at any point I could've made the choice to stop talking to her but I didn't since I very much liked the having my cake and eating it too. You make a good point about riding along in life that is what I have been doing to a degree worrying about how others see me and how they feel but not what I feel about myself; that is something I am trying to change now.

 

You say she told you in an unkind way about her new relationship, did you consider that actually she was being honest? That she does still love you, but knowing by your actions that there was no future with you, other than as a mistress, she had to seek her future elsewhere? Perhaps she found it hard to break from you until she found another who would fill the gap. Isn't that what you were both doing for 10 years? She may not be dumping you because you mean nothing, she may be simply letting you go.

 

Again you are right it just was really weird when I heard here saying she "loves me and always will" after seeing that damn FB notification. I did react about it and the more back and forth I have here the more I realize it is not so much that I am hurt she found someone else (I knew she would) it is the fact I got my feelings hurt because I had "hoped" she would spare my feelings when it came to this point. Since you are right she used me until another could fill the gap, at times it is hard to feel replaced. I knew better from past experience with her but again I expected "honor among thieves" which was silly.

 

The other stuff she said that I disliked was the notion that she did want to keep doors open for the future. For some reason this time that really bothered me. Never bothered me when I was "side dish"/"Plan B" for her husband but when it came to some other guy, felt wrong to be exchanging those types of ideas.

 

I think in your anger and frustration the pity party has got out of hand, you can't see the bigger picture here.

Personally I would suggest you don't focus on your M for now but get IC and work on yourself, you need some serious guided introspection before you can even think about being a true partner to another.

 

Oh yes the more I am going down this path the more I am learning about my life and **** I don't like in it and what I have to offer someone. Like a friend told me "you're broken" and they are very much right. Since I did an exercise where I looked at all the woman I have been involved with and their traits and who I stayed with and did not. Crazy when I realized I am trying to rebuild my parents failed marriage. So yes I am in counseling trying to fix me since again you are right I can't move forward until that is complete.

 

 

General:

I do want to thank everyone for their replies, even though you don't know the details of the situation you have given valuable criticism and feedback.

Edited October 2, 2016 by pkn06002

[BluesPower]

OP I feel for you, I really do. Just hang in there.

 

While usually it tends to be the woman in the affair that gets hurt most of the time, you are not the only guy that has been hurt for sure.

 

You are so right, affairs are a special type of relationship I guess for all the reasons that we have affairs. It is almost always a bad idea, without a doubt. One thing about affairs is that they never end well, and someone is going to get hurt. That right there is a good enough reason not to have them.

 

In the long run you will be OK. You will recover. You just got to hang.

 

Spend some time working on yourself, I have done that and still am. It has actually done wonders for me.

 

I am OW free for the first time in a long time and it just feels great. I actually ran in to one on my OW's on Friday. We chatted, she looked great. It was remarkable how much that woman hates me and... at the same time how much she still loves me. It really is kind of a trip in so many ways.

 

You hang tough, but you have learned now, don't fool around, it really is too much trouble.

 

Good luck...