10 years and it is finally over - warning

[pkn06002]

10 years (!!!) of playing the affair game and even a saint would act "passive aggressive."

 

Your own anger is blinding you from realizing that her dating someone new may not be entirely about the new guy, but rather:

a. A way to force your hand and see if you'll leave your marriage once and for all (which you won't), or

b. A way to help her move on emotionally from you before she totally breaks ties, because after ten years and her own divorce I imagine she's pretty emotionally enmeshed with you and you have given her no indication of providing her a possible future.

 

I bet that forcing herself to go and date was really hard for her at first but she knew it was the right thing to do. You had been on the fence about leaving your BW for TEN YEARS. She had finally cleaned up her life and left her marriage. She knew she deserved a chance at happiness and was tired of waiting in the wings.

 

I just hope that now, your BW comes to her senses and ends things. Imagine what she would think about your marriage if she were to read this post. You seem to have fessed up to your affair, not out of guilt, but out of anger at your OW having moved on (?!?!?). And yet you complain about both women and their "passive aggressive behavior."

 

Pot, meet kettle.

 

All very true and thank you.

[Southern Sun]

It doesn't seem obvious to me that she was just using you as a placeholder. She was probably hoping for a real relationship with you, but after 10 years of your cake-eating, she gave up.

 

Her expression of her feelings were probably genuine - she still loves you but for herself, she has to move on. If you're just going to maintain the status quo, she's wasting time. If she said she would like to leave the door open, it's likely because she would be interested in a relationship should you finally decide to end your M.

 

Your BW is innocent in the matter of your affair - 10 years of leading a life she thought was something else. So cruel. You've done 1,000 times worse to your wife than you claim your OW did to you.

 

Your anger is misplaced; you are projecting. Put on your big boy pants and recognize what you have contributed to the downward spiral. Everyone has their part here. The sooner you can see yours, the faster you can do something about it.

[dubliner]

 

 

Oh yes the more I am going down this path the more I am learning about my life and **** I don't like in it and what I have to offer someone. Like a friend told me "you're broken" and they are very much right. Since I did an exercise where I looked at all the woman I have been involved with and their traits and who I stayed with and did not. Crazy when I realized I am trying to rebuild my parents failed marriage. So yes I am in counseling trying to fix me since again you are right I can't move forward until that is complete.

 

You are not 'broken' and you have no need to be 'fixed'. You just haven't developed the personal skills you need for healthy relationships, you have learnt and developed unhealthy beliefs and coping mechanisms. IC will challenge these and you can do the work on learning to be emotionally healthy. I won't wish you luck, you don't need it on this journey, I will wish you to find the motivation to pursue a better future for yourself, starting with you.

[burnt]

Hi Pkn, sorry to hear what you are going through.

 

regarding the wife:

Sorry to say, I don't think it's a really good idea to try to reconcile in your marriage.

You stayed in an affair for on-and-off 10 very long years. That's a very telling statement about your marriage. You were willing to leave her only if your OW asked you to. You stayed because of the child, not because of your wife. Your wife was holding onto "status quo" and not taking the dead dysfunctional marriage seriously and ONLY now that it's hit rock bottom, she's willing to be "serious"?

 

This marriage has been broken for far too long--for both of you and your wife. Nothing in your post suggests that you love or respect your wife, as a man should. Nothing in your post suggests that your wife loves or respects you either. Why do you want to force this marriage to work, just for the sake of "one more time"?

 

regarding the OW:

It is good to hear that you finally are cutting the chord with OW for good. Your emotional turmoil will still continue for a little while, but in time the intensity of the anger and sense of betrayal will subside.

 

The general comment to most OW is "MM didn't leave his wife; if he loved the OW enough, he would have left on his own volition." The fact that you didn't leave your marriage and was waiting for your OW to push/nudge you is an incredibly loud sign of indecisiveness and mixed message on your part.

 

Your OW left her marriage. There is no reason why she needed to ask you to leave your marriage. If you wanted to be with her truly, if you loved her enough, you would have left your marriage without anyone pressuring you.

The very fact that even now you are willing to give your marriage "one more try", says how indecisive you have been about being with your OW. This sort of thing does nothing but damage to the psyche to the OW--prolonged for 10 years. How many more years did you expect her to be hanging in there waiting for you? 20 more years? 30?

 

Even after she left her marriage, you CONTINUED to stay in your marriage, why on earth do you feel upset that she started to see other men? She has the right to be with someone who WANTS to be with her exclusively.

 

I understand that you are angry with OW, but yet at the same time, what right do you have to be angry with her for being dishonest when you have keeping her as a single mistress while you continue to enjoy the luxury of being married and having an extra lover on the side?

 

If your OW showed up on this site for advice, we all would have suggested that she tried to cut the chord with you and found someone else to give her the love that she deserves.

 

Pkn, not trying to to be harsh, but you do need to reflect on YOUR actions so that you can try to see what you can change in YOURSELF, going forward from here.

[pkn06002]

Your anger is misplaced; you are projecting. Put on your big boy pants and recognize what you have contributed to the downward spiral. Everyone has their part here. The sooner you can see yours, the faster you can do something about it.

 

Yes like everyone else you are correct and she (OW) is better off without me. My BW would be better off without me I just have to find it in me to end things because now I am moving the indecisiveness towards her.

 

What a damn mess!!!!!

[pkn06002]

Again I would like to thank everyone for their replies it has help alot today.

 

This whole thing is just a strange journey that I should've never started. I do remember at one time defending affairs but damn was I stupid and caught up in the chemicals at the time.

 

1) OW did me a favor by what she did, hurt my feelings but did start a conversation I should had with my wife years ago.

 

2) Wife is understanding that the notion of just get a divorce is not as simple as it sounds. We are having conversations that I believe will eventually go that direction.

 

3) I am getting a better understanding of who I am, what I want and who I need in my life. Friends is one of those needs that I did try to fill with woman that needs to stop.

 

But thanks again everyone, feel free to throw more 2x4's my direction if you feel the need since they are helping.

 

Those that are reading this thread and are in an affair get out it rarely ends well, I know you will not believe that in the middle of the love chemicals but it rarely does.

[Satu]

snip

 

3) I am getting a better understanding of who I am, what I want and who I need in my life. Friends is one of those needs that I did try to fill with woman that needs to stop.

 

Divorce your wife if you want to, and spend some time on your own.

 

No gf, no hooking up, no fwb.

 

It's a fast track to personal evolution.

 

Then when you feel really good about yourself, think about being with someone else.

 

 

Take care.

[Miss Clavel]

Again I would like to thank everyone for their replies it has help alot today.

 

This whole thing is just a strange journey that I should've never started. I do remember at one time defending affairs but damn was I stupid and caught up in the chemicals at the time.

 

1) OW did me a favor by what she did, hurt my feelings but did start a conversation I should had with my wife years ago.

 

2) Wife is understanding that the notion of just get a divorce is not as simple as it sounds. We are having conversations that I believe will eventually go that direction.

 

3) I am getting a better understanding of who I am, what I want and who I need in my life. Friends is one of those needs that I did try to fill with woman that needs to stop.

 

But thanks again everyone, feel free to throw more 2x4's my direction if you feel the need since they are helping.

 

Those that are reading this thread and are in an affair get out it rarely ends well, I know you will not believe that in the middle of the love chemicals but it rarely does.

 

i've been told on here that i'm weird, so here goes. did you think that you wife has been the way she is because you were the were you were?

 

a lot of the coldness and irritation frustration in my marriage was because, there were three people in the bed and one of the people only gets to wash the sheets and vacuum the room all while raising the orphans sortof alone since my mate wasn't really there? even tho i knew he wasn't there, i didn't actually know "where" he was, at first.

 

huh?

[pkn06002]

i've been told on here that i'm weird, so here goes. did you think that you wife has been the way she is because you were the were you were?

 

a lot of the coldness and irritation frustration in my marriage was because, there were three people in the bed and one of the people only gets to wash the sheets and vacuum the room all while raising the orphans sortof alone since my mate wasn't really there? even tho i knew he wasn't there, i didn't actually know "where" he was, at first.

 

huh?

 

I kind of get what you are saying but in the case of my wife no. She was honestly happy until I told her since her needs were being meet and I never brought drama etc... home.

 

Other then the lack of sex and loving attention towards me the marriage is not bad. It functions like a good business should and I have a feeling that is how my wife saw her parents interact. But even businesses break down and stop it looks like that time for my marriage is happening also.

 

This all could've been avoided if I would've just left 12 years ago, all that wasted time all around. But I do have a good kid and have gotten to watch them grow up, so there is something.

[pkn06002]

So I just got back from a meeting with a lawyer and damn!!!! What a mess divorce is!!!!

 

Anyone that goes through that process for any reasons other than personal ones is nuts! So this notion of get divorced and go to the OW is just as stupid as getting into an affair in the first place.

 

Tell you what though I would like to thank my xOW since her FB ambush did me a world of good by breaking the emotional hold she had on me. Since there is no way in hell I could of had good thoughts about here and started down the path of divorce. Would've been way to easy to just keep the status quo and escape.

 

So <name here> thank you very much, as much as I loved you thank you for breaking my heart and moving on. I hope you and the new guy enjoy each other for as long as you're meant too.

[ShatteredLady]

How old is your child?

[imperfectangel]

She probably ended it because you wouldn't end your marriage. It's the reason why I ended my a - I knew he'd never leave. Why should I hang around and wait and see if he decides to "pick me"?!

 

Chances are after 10 years she was hoping you would put your cards on the table and let her know one way or another. You chose not to do that, how can you blame her for moving on?

[pkn06002]

Single response to a few questions

 

1) No way in HELL I a putting the age of my child out on the internet on a site like this.

 

2) Again I am NOT UPSET that she is in a relationship with someone else, I'm happy she has found someone she likes and wants to be with. I care about her and do want to see her happy.

 

3) I am upset about the way I was told she was in a relationship, the FB ambush was not cool. But fits her personality of how she deals with conflict and things she does not want to deal with. Why I expected something else was a foolish notion. If she would've told me directly I could've walked away with all of my feelings for her intact, they are not intact now.

 

4) The fact she might of wanted me to divorce to be with her, she should've asked. Once she did the "divorce for your own reasons" it becomes MY timeline not hers. Take away her as a driving factor the decision to divorce becomes much harder. Still going to happen in the future but not in a timeline that would work for her needs in the last year.

 

5) I believe deep down I KNEW she was not the right woman for me long term. The more I am going down this journey of self discovery the more I realize I would've just rebuilt the dynamic I have with my wife just with better sex.

[Poppy47]

Doesn't matter if your child is two, ten or sixteen... still a vulnerable, impressionable young human being.

 

I notice you are quite happy to be on a "site like this".

 

I find you remarks very odd?????

 

Poppy.

[Cyra]

It sounds like youre just throwing toys out of the pram because she has moved on over you and youre left flailing in a dead end marriage without a lifeline

[pkn06002]

Doesn't matter if your child is two, ten or sixteen... still a vulnerable, impressionable young human being.

 

I notice you are quite happy to be on a "site like this".

 

I find you remarks very odd?????

 

Poppy.

 

What I mean by that comment is this.

 

We discuss enough personal information here as it is but I personally draw the line at supplying information about my child. I have had people ask before and I give the same answer.

 

Yes you are right a vulnerable, impressionable young person that will have their life changed, which is sad.

[pkn06002]

It sounds like youre just throwing toys out of the pram because she has moved on over you and youre left flailing in a dead end marriage without a lifeline

 

It was like that the first 3 weeks or so.

 

Again though I don't care that she moved on, I expected it.

The fact some of you keep coming back to that point to try and get some kind of reaction from me is funny.

 

Lifeline??? There are other woman in the world that I could meet once the marriage is addressed. She is not the only one that has some of the qualities I want. We acted as each others "lifeline" for a long time, but to expect me to move on her time schedule is a silly as me demanding she wait for me.

 

I just wanted a heads up that's all.

[Cyra]

That may be true but you suddenly seem to have lost your enthusiasm to end the marriage now that she is not waiting to welcome you with open arms?

she has no obligation to inform you whether she is seeing anyone or not, period.

[Pete2304]

I think what you are finding is that this is the wrong place to expect to garner sympathy. I personally couldn't care less about getting a reaction from you. You have cheated, lied and been nothing but entirely selfish for ten years. Now what's actually happened is it looks like you've being taken for a ride as well. Maybe you were well suited after all. Now where did I put that little violin?

[pkn06002]

That may be true but you suddenly seem to have lost your enthusiasm to end the marriage now that she is not waiting to welcome you with open arms?

she has no obligation to inform you whether she is seeing anyone or not, period.

 

Really????

 

The fact I saw a lawyer TODAY seems to imply otherwise. I was never in a hurry to end the marriage when her arms were there to catch me.

 

As I have said before I was hoping she would inform me because we were still talking(when she started dating him) and we had made that agreement earlier in the year. But then again I expected to trust someone that cheated with me which was silly.

 

What else other silly digs are you going to try and throw my way?

[wmacbride]

The wife and I are trying "one more time" since now everything has hit rock bottom and finally she sees everything as "serious". This is after going to consulting and trying since 2005 or so. There were times I really threw myself into the effort especially between 2008 and 2010 to no benefit since she likes the status quo.

The wife's issues are around sex and now I notice the passive aggressive even more, so I am leaning towards leaving and moving on. Yes one child involved.

 

Like in all affairs the OW and I did talk about futures etc... But why did I not divorce the answer of children. She never pressured me to leave once she had her divorce if she had asked me to leave for her I would've but she multiple times said she did not want to be the reason I divorced. Now I see that was a wise choice to of made. Since that "relationship" might of lasted a year at most.

 

No plans with OW I am done with her! The passive aggressive BS she pulled really triggered a response in me and I'm done since it is not the first time she pulled this crap on me. I can see the pattern of passive aggressive crap better now that the fog is going and I am pissed.

 

My plans are eventually going to be work on me and try to change this broken thinking of loving passive aggressive types that do nothing but hurt me in the end.

 

I know this wont be what you want to hear, but you are upset and hurt because of the ow, yet it was peanuts compared to what you did to your wife.

You had a ten year affair, and are taking potshots at your bs for not trying hard enough withy you during that time?

Come on man. How can you not see the twistednes of that situation.

[pkn06002]

I think what you are finding is that this is the wrong place to expect to garner sympathy. I personally couldn't care less about getting a reaction from you. You have cheated, lied and been nothing but entirely selfish for ten years. Now what's actually happened is it looks like you've being taken for a ride as well. Maybe you were well suited after all. Now where did I put that little violin?

 

Oh I find this fun and what I have always seen here. Par for the course especially when BS show up in threads.

[pkn06002]

I know this wont be what you want to hear, but you are upset and hurt because of the ow, yet it was peanuts compared to what you did to your wife.

You had a ten year affair, and are taking potshots at your bs for not trying hard enough withy you during that time?

Come on man. How can you not see the twistednes of that situation.

 

Oh my god I believe I already addressed comments similar to this before.

 

Ironically though my BW realizes she was part of the root cause, so there you go. Yes still my choice to cheat but she had her part.

 

Yes I know I hurt my BW, again PAR for the course when you are in an affair.

[Pete2304]

Oh I find this fun and what I have always seen here. Par for the course especially when BS show up in threads.

 

Not hurting are you? Don't by any chance have a little of that awful gut wrenching feeling knowing that she's with someone else? You know that ache, the desperation, the wondering what you could have done differently?

[wmacbride]

OP I feel for you, I really do. Just hang in there.

 

While usually it tends to be the woman in the affair that gets hurt most of the time, you are not the only guy that has been hurt for sure.

 

You are so right, affairs are a special type of relationship I guess for all the reasons that we have affairs. It is almost always a bad idea, without a doubt. One thing about affairs is that they never end well, and someone is going to get hurt. That right there is a good enough reason not to have them.

 

In the long run you will be OK. You will recover. You just got to hang.

 

Spend some time working on yourself, I have done that and still am. It has actually done wonders for me.

 

I am OW free for the first time in a long time and it just feels great. I actually ran in to one on my OW's on Friday. We chatted, she looked great. It was remarkable how much that woman hates me and... at the same time how much she still loves me. It really is kind of a trip in so many ways.

 

You hang tough, but you have learned now, don't fool around, it really is too much trouble.

 

Good luck...

 

I disagree with the idea that an A is a special type of relationship.

 

Most romantic relationships end at some point, and it's quite common for them to end badly, A or otherwise. So long as people keep pushing the notion that A's are somehow "special', it encourages those in them to accept crap behvaior and treatment, and excuses their own poor behvaior towards others.

 

In short, if one wouldn't accept piss poor behavior from someone in a "regular" romantic relationship, why would they accept it in an A?