Cyra Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 If your husband of 25years and father of your 6 children one day told you he had been seeing a 15 years younger woman (a former student of his) for a year and half, he loved her and was leaving to be with her, then 2 days later crawls back saying he is sorry, he left her and wants to fix things? Link to post Share on other sites
smudge21 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 In other words, she left him. Probably enjoyed the naughty affair situation, but never wanted it to become something serious... but that's beside the point. You have to decide what is right for you and your kids. This "man" walked away from everything. Was lying for over a year. Never showed any guilt or emotion throughout that time. Now he's saying sorry and wanting back. For how long this time? You'll get a lot of great advice on here from others, but from me personally, having been in that broken home situation, sometimes it's better to cut your losses rather than live a lie. No matter what opinions you get on here, you still need to do what you feel is best for you, and your kids. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Heart..PLS STAHP Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I'm 26 but hey I've seen this stuff in life before. One of our closest friends to my mother and aunt has been with her husband so many years, they have 2 children and amazing house with awesome backyard and then he leaves her as he "fell in love" with his secretary. That didn't last long. He came back and she accepted him. Apparently when I discussed this with my aunt she is adamant that plenty of people (mostly men) tend to have their focus somewhere else - be that of adventure, lost childhood dreams, searching for something they don't have etc. But eventually they see that the comfort, the security, the intelligence and the loving only a person that stayed with you for so long can provide. I mean they understand that this was only a fling and nothing more. It doesn't justify them BUT apparently they get side tracked sometimes. This isn't something to take in lightly I can only imagine and I am sorry for you but considering what you guys have - over 20 years of marriage, 6 kids, who know how many memorable moments to just throw it away is nonsense for me. It can be fixed whatever is broken and I would tell you to give that man a chance to redeem himself. Not that I know of yet as I am too young but life is getting more full with trials and tribulations by the day and considering the world we live in I say to try again. It sure won't be easy for you I am just saying what I think about the situation but you are a grown person who lived way more than I did so you can make the right choice. Just do as you feel it within. Take care! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyra Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 (edited) Hi, I am so glad I found this forum and this section. Everywhere else I have ever posted about my issues I got judgement and criticism. Of course I hate to see everyone else's pain but it is good that we are not alone and can talk about it openly. I am a 34 year old female, I had an affair for 1.5 years with a 50 year old married man (married for 25 years with 6 children). I met him in my 3rd year of uni, he was my professor. ( I was a mature student.) First we got together in a cliche affair but soon after feelings developed on both sides and we fell in love. We would see each other every day, go on trips away together (disguised as work for uni), text all day and night long and we were very close, open with each other and the chemistry and attraction between us was overwhelming. However, it was not always good times. He was obviously emotionally immature and had difficulty dealing with stressful situations or handling his emotions. He would go hot and cold, particularly after a trip together he would go funny, saying he felt guilty, think about ending it, not talk to me for a few days which hurt me immensely, but he would always crawl back after a few days when he calmed down saying to forgive him and that he had been an idiot. I did and told him not to do it again because it was very painful and inconsistent. He promised he wouldnt, until he did the next time and I forgave him again. Anyway about 6 months down the line we started talking about a common future. I am in a long term relationship for 10 years which I am not happy with (not married or kids). We were planning to break up our relationships and start a life together sometime in the future. So we continued as we were for the time being, his episodes of hot and cold and my episodes of happiness and pain continued also. I suspected deep inside that he wasnt to be trusted and that he was weak and inconsistent, because he would often tell me he loved me one day and then something would snap in his mind and the next day he would say he could not do this anymore and go off, not talking to me for a few days. Near the end, I even doubted whether I wanted to share a future with a man like him, who always made me feel anxious as I did not know in which next moment he was going to turn. I was always on my toes around him, always watching for signs that his emotional state is wavering. However, this all came to an end last week, or so I naively thought. Last week he decided that enough is enough and he was going to leave his wife. So, to my great surprise, last Friday he told her that he had been seeing me, he loved me and was leaving to be with me. They also told his parents and their children and he was gone. I know this to be true, because we spent the night together afterwards and I read all the messages from his wife and family that he was being bombarded with. He seemed distressed but ok and I thought this was it, he finally made the step and so we celebrated the start of our new life together. Not for long, as it transpired. The next day I could see his emotional state slipping and later that day he went to see his mother who must have planned an intervention. So the next morning, he announced over text that he had made a mistake, he had to go back to his wife and things had to end between us and he had to cut me off. At first I took it ok because tbh deep inside I expected it, however later the devastation descended. I also made the fatal mistake of going out to drown sorrows and not leaving my phone at home. So the evening turned into a series of drunk undignified conversations and I said and did some horrible things to him. I was so angry, hurt and in throes of total despair and rejection that I did not even care if I embarrassed myself. So it is needless to say he told me he never wanted to speak to me again and was very harsh about it. But it was fine with me, I think on some level I did that to sabotage him and myself, because it could have been possible that he might change his mind and crawl back to me again once he realized what a miserable life he was coming back to. His wife, children, family all know what he did and will never trust or respect him again. By acting a bit crazy I prevented him to ever coming back to me, because I too couldn't trust myself that I would not take him back as I did many times before. So here I am a week later. I know logically I should be happy that he is gone and that it was probably a lucky escape for me. I could have started living with this man, given up my current relationship, and he could have changed his mind, dump me and go running to his wife at any time. But even knowing all this I am deeply sad and I miss him, and the pathetic part of me even wishes he would come back. There is a huge void in my life that was previously filled by him and our constant communication and I feel so alone. I do not know how to cope and I am so glad that I found this place. Edited October 2, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs~T 4 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 The next day I could see his emotional state slipping and later that day he went to see his mother who must have planned an intervention. So the next day morning, he announced over text that he had made a mistake, he had to go back to his wife and things had to end between us and he had to cut me off. I could be wrong but I guess money was somehow involved here.... an inheritance maybe? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Cheating on his wife...hot and cold...emotionally immature....did you seriously expect him to behave like a grown up? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyra Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 I could be wrong but I guess money was somehow involved here.... an inheritance maybe? I think money was involved in the most pathetic of forms. He did not want to leave the comforts of his life, eg. nice house, car, have little money left after paying out to wife etc. Which I find one of the most abhorrent reasons to settle for an unhappy life. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyra Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 Cheating on his wife...hot and cold...emotionally immature....did you seriously expect him to behave like a grown up? with my brain, no, i did not. But my heart overclouded reason and the naive hope was the b*tch that dies last 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I think money was involved in the most pathetic of forms. He did not want to leave the comforts of his life, eg. nice house, car, have little money left after paying out to wife etc. Which I find one of the most abhorrent reasons to settle for an unhappy life. Of course his life may not be as nearly as unhappy as he made out. What stories did you tell him about your partner? And why are you still with him? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyra Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 You are right, of course he could have exaggerated his unhappiness. But the fact is that he told everyone now and is going back to the blast zone. His wife is not going to trust him after what he did and I doubt life will be all peachy. Why am I with him? At the moment I am a pathetic emotional wreck. I am thinking to try and fix things. If that does not work, I will resolve it once I can get over this pain. Link to post Share on other sites
Ruffian1 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Are you still with your BF? Does he know what happened? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyra Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 no he doesnt know. No point hurting any one else for nothing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyra Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 To be honest I dont even know what I want to hear I suppose how did other people get through this stage. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I think seeing him clearly for what he was and is, will transport you swiftly through the heartbreak. If you continue holding onto the future faking, picket fence fantasy you will be stuck for a long time, perhaps even for years on what ifs. He had a choice to make, he chose the wife, as seems to happen very frequently. These men are cake eaters, they just want "extra". When it cones down to the wire, the "innocent" wife gets chosen over the "devious" OW. Yes it is about kids and houses and status and the whole institution of marriage, but who really wants to marry a woman willing to see a man behind his wife's back, how can he ever really trust her? What sort of a woman would even do that? Hugely hypocritical but that is often how it works. The push and pull of the married man is well known, he is not alone in that. The push-pull of the married man. He gets horny, he warms to you, you get physical, he feels guilty, he backs off, he becomes cold and distant. He gets horny, he warms to you, you get physical, he feels guilty, he backs off, he becomes cold and distant. He gets horny, he warms to you, you get physical, he feels guilty, he backs off, he becomes cold and distant.. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyra Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 Yes it is about kids and houses and status and the whole institution of marriage, but who really wants to marry a woman willing to see a man behind his wife's back, how can he ever really trust her? I agree there. I suppose it goes both ways, how could I ever trust him if he was willing to do it to her? But I chose to completely overlook that blatant point in my naivety. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SeenNotHeard Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 It will take time and a lot of internal emotional flushing to work through the loss of this relationship despite the circumstances. A variety of points of view to be found here along with wonderful advice. Maintain NC. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 I agree there. I suppose it goes both ways, how could I ever trust him if he was willing to do it to her? Exactly and that is another reason you can add to the list of why this was such a bad idea and would never have worked anyway. Once you get that to the forefront of your mind, then the world will look like a better place. You dodged a bullet... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyra Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 Once you get that to the forefront of your mind, then the world will look like a better place. You dodged a bullet... Thank you. Yes I am trying to keep the focus on that, and on all the times he treated me poorly. I am also ashamed of myself about how I acted in the end, I should just have walked away without a word and with my dignity intact but I didn't because I was so hurt. That blow to my dignity is probably harder to overcome than the actual loss of him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Forever broken Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 To be honest I dont even know what I want to hear I suppose how did other people get through this stage. It will not be easy, but you will get through. You will love and yearn for him even more but you have to go strict no contact on him. He will come back and try to win your heart again leading to the whole process all over. Stay away from him. You are 34, you still have time to start a fresh with someone new but not your long time boyfriend though. He deserves much better too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyra Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 NC absolutely, that is not going to be a problem after the way things ended. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Cyra Posted October 2, 2016 Author Share Posted October 2, 2016 You are 34, you still have time to start a fresh with someone new but not your long time boyfriend though. He deserves much better too. Yes you are right, I feel bad about the way I treated him and I know he deserves someone more suited who will love him properly. Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Yes you are right, I feel bad about the way I treated him and I know he deserves someone more suited who will love him properly. So give him the opportunity, at least to make his own decisions 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Thank you. Yes I am trying to keep the focus on that, and on all the times he treated me poorly. I am also ashamed of myself about how I acted in the end, I should just have walked away without a word and with my dignity intact but I didn't because I was so hurt. That blow to my dignity is probably harder to overcome than the actual loss of him. Stop beating yourself up, you endured poor treatment from this guy and then when it all seemed to be finally falling into place, he pulls the plug. You were entitled to be angry and upset and to take pot shots at him, who could blame you? All that pent up emotion had to go somewhere and better the way you did it, than to keep that all inside. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darren Steez Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 no he doesnt know. No point hurting any one else for nothing. I thought this was it, he finally made the step and so we celebrated the start of our new life together. How so, were you going to break up with your BF? If you're so ready to cut loose, then why not just cut him loose? Break up with him, seems rather cruel to keep him hanging on whether he's an angel or not but this relationship seems at a dead end if you were ready to "celebrate the start of your new life together" with the OM. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 2, 2016 Share Posted October 2, 2016 Typical MM affair. Nothing special. Most often they always go back to the wife and family. It's like a broken record. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
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