he left the wife then went back

[Cyra]

Haven't posted the whole thing. just bits and pieces here and there. it's quite a story. then again, they all seem to be on this forum. yes, definitely not a coincidence that smoke signal. it was very well calculated, manipulated. glad i didn't physically respond. emotionally of course i did. are you blonde? talking about the PM thing. have been wanting to get in touch with another great poster here, too. but i can't yet though apparently if you pay some sort of subscription fee you can get access to PM instantly. seems to defeat the purpose of the whole PM block to begin with. so you're blonde, i'm a brunette. does that make us two gals who are tech savvy?!

 

Id be interested in your story! Seems like ours have a lot in common. Yes it takes a lot of strength not to respond doesnt it. But take solace in that he sent you a sign, you didnt respond and he is left wondering!

I didnt know you could pay a subscription but thats a bit of rip off just to get pm? Almost like dating sites haha!

we sound like a team who can kick the silly mens asses by rising above!?

[Cyra]

Thank you so much Spideywoman and HazyHead. Its a joy to talk to you! It reminds me of simple but invaluable joys in life of talking to like minded people. Something thats easy to lose sight of when one is hurting over an *sshole!

although i dont know how i managed to give the impression of having my sh*t together nothing could be further from the truth!

im a pathetic mess right now! But you both gave me hope and made me smile, thank you!

Edited October 6, 2016 by Cyra

[spideywoman]

Id be interested in your story! Seems like ours have a lot in common. Yes it takes a lot of strength not to respond doesnt it. But take solace in that he sent you a sign, you didnt respond and he is left wondering!

I didnt know you could pay a subscription but thats a bit of rip off just to get pm? Almost like dating sites haha!

we sound like a team who can kick the silly mens asses by rising above!?

 

yea, i actually went to FAQ and it sends you somewhere on the dashboard and then at the top is an "ad" which says if you subscribe, pay $$, you get access to PM. (supporting member status or something?)

 

dream team indeed. me, you and a few other gals here.

 

part of me just doesn't feel ready to post the whole thing. feel too vulnerable. in a lot of ways, cliche (according to LS) but in many, not. only time will tell, even though he has ended things, as it were. the "cloud" was the impending adoption. i see that now. that was the signal of the 'end' from the very beginning, or so it seemed. it was an inorganic limit that we both set, consciously or otherwise. for him, "when i am a family man, this has to end." for me, "if / when he goes through with the adoption i'll know he doesn't want to be with me because if he did, why go through with it?"

 

well, over a year passed with the adoption cloud hanging over us and the affair going full steam with some breaks, mostly at his instigation when he would feel guilty. i took it all in stride. it was the elephant in the room that we talked about once in a while. i was too chicken to ask whether he really wanted to adopt _ not questioning his wish to be a father, but did he want to adopt under these circumstances? i mean, some dude here called me deluded, but i know what's true and i'm not an idiot. i know what i felt and i know what he felt. MM is a cautious man. takes a looooooong time to make any kind of definitive decision. doesn't act on impulse, which is great. when he does, it backfires. and i chose to stick with it.

 

so the adoption process dragged on. he had his doubts, tried to stop it but didn't succeed likely because he didn't try hard enough, or didn't want to succeed. this had something to do with my arrival on the scene. made him thing twice. so we continue. the most loving, tender, respectful, passionate relationship i have ever been in _ and i have been lucky to have had wonderful men in my life. MM didn't need to tell me it was the same for him. he did a couple of times, but more importantly, he made me feel it and showed it.

 

so after over a year of ups and downs, of pretty much everyone at work and everyone who saw us together saying WTF is up with these two, he organizes a fantastic birthday for me. you name it, he did it. even making sure some of our colleagues and friends who weren't there physically called in at a particular time on facetime to sing happy birthday to me. it was magical. we went home together (his wife doesn't live here, lives in another country; my stbxh were super estranged at the time) and the following morning i told him my husband was moving out. he had an idea before, but that was the first time i came clean, i guess. and that's when he said to me he wanted to be with me, that he chose a life with me. it was the first time he had ever done that. we never had empty promises before, no future faking.

 

and literally, a day later, the call came from the adoption lawyer, saying the kids were "ready." he and his wife joined up and flew there to pick them up. we did talk a bit right after he told me he was leaving. i asked him, is this what you want, is this what you want the rest of your life to be? and he said, i would be lying if i said yes, and i would be lying if i said no. and the day he left was the last day i saw him. and in a sense, last i heard from him.

 

so in a nutshell, that's my story it hurts. it's "i feel like i am tethered to the back of a moving car being dragged along a highway at 100km per hour" painful. but hey, such is life. i made my bed.

[ShatteredLady]

Oh Spidey! You didn't "make your bed". You had a lot of help imagining your perfect bed, picking out the softest duvet, trying out the mattress & it felt just right for you. That's not the same thing!!

 

How on earth does a human being plan & go through with an adoption knowing that they're not capable of giving those, already damaged children, the safety & security that they need? What if his BS learns the truth in a years time?? OMG!!

 

He is NOT a good man! You might of caught glimpses of the man he could be, or wanted to portray but he is not a good person.

 

I hope that you find the perfect bed for you & go on to live a great life.

[ChickiePops]

You can PM for free once you've hit a certain number of posts. I can't recall what the number is.

[Cyra]

Spideywoman. I feel your pain and feeling of hopelessness. My story is quite similar in ways that we both dealt with an inconsistent and indecisive wimp. I agree with what ShatteredLady said, you didnt make your bed. I would often blame myself in ways like, It is all my fault, I got myself into this blabla. But that is not entirely true, these 'men' actively misled us. When someone tells you 'I love you and I want to share my life with you', it is natural to believe them because a normal person would not make such claims in vain. These are big things to say to someone. My xMM told me he wanted to marry me once he got divorced from his wife. Of course I believed! What kinda person says that if they dont mean it? Now I know, of course. But back then I didnt and it was some revelation to me that such people exist.

Your guy, OMG. If he loved you and wanted to be with you, there is no way he would be going ahead with this adoption. His 'I would be lying if yes and I would be lying if no' totally reminds me of my *sshole. He would also make such ambiguous statements to excuse his indecisiveness and inconsistency. Like he is such a poor victim and he is so confused. EH. What he is is selfish and only thinking of himself. He does not care about how you feel or about how his wife feels. He is chasing some illusion of a 'family life' while at the same time wants to keep you on a backburner to sample some benefits of a 'single' life. Hence the smoke signals. He is fishing to see if it is possible to wiggle his way back in.

Dont let him. He is a loser and not a nice person and if you did have future with him it would probably be nothing like you imagined.

[Cyra]

And btw i dont believe for a second that it was a coincidence that he got the call about kids the day after telling you he chose life with you. I think he knew and perhaps was feeling anxious so he escaped to a fantasy for a moment, one he liked the idea of but wasnt strong enough to see through. Next day he magically gets the call. A perfect way out for him id say! Bloody cowards. Annoys me so much!

[spideywoman]

Oh Spidey! You didn't "make your bed". You had a lot of help imagining your perfect bed, picking out the softest duvet, trying out the mattress & it felt just right for you. That's not the same thing!!

 

How on earth does a human being plan & go through with an adoption knowing that they're not capable of giving those, already damaged children, the safety & security that they need? What if his BS learns the truth in a years time?? OMG!!

 

He is NOT a good man! You might of caught glimpses of the man he could be, or wanted to portray but he is not a good person.

 

I hope that you find the perfect bed for you & go on to live a great life.

 

Thank you, ShatteredLady (and sorry Cyra for kind of taking over your thread! )

 

As you may imagine, even after all that has been said and done, it's hard for me to focus on his bad sides, though of course they exist and i do see them. ultimately, i believe he's a good man who acted with cowardice but with good intentions. i can't vilify him because i have been abandoned and jilted; disparaging him won't make me feel better. i do see where he is coming from.

 

he and his wife decided to adopt some time before he and i met. i am not familiar with procedure but apparently international adoptions can take a long, long time. he wanted to be a father, that i don't doubt. but i always had the sense that it was his wife who was the driving force, the one 'pushing,' as it were. she even asked me one day about him _ if i thought he didn't want to adopt, had we talked about it since she felt he was reticent. there was a sadness in him that was palpable over these children. he wanted them, but wasn't sure about the circumstances. now, no one can force anyone to do anything they don't want to do _ much less adopting children. so as anguishing as it is, i chose to believe that he did / is doing exactly what he wanted to do which is adopting with his wife. he comes from a culture where sense of family reigns supreme. people just don't get divorced, and you certainly don't abandon your wife when you're in the process of adopting. he has a deep sense of obligation; a strong sense of belief in having to deliver on a promise he made to his wife which was to start a family. part of him believes he never had a choice, and of course he did. we all do. his sense of duty trumps everything else.

 

not sure if i am making any sense. he wanted to adopt, i know he is capable and willing to provide safety and security. it's just that i don't believe his heart is fully in it. yet, he is determined to make it work, to do the "right thing." as much as i am suffering, i know that he is, too. is he losing sleep over it? is he thinking of me every minute of the day? probably not. but he is experiencing loss as well because our bond was very strong.

 

not trying to defend him. at the end of the day, he is exactly where he wants to be _ which is with his wife and children. he made his decision, and he's sticking to it. while i got bulldozed in the process, and knowing the road to hell is paved with good intentions, he's coming from a good place. cowardly? sure. but i don't believe he ever was a cake eater.

 

and i hope to God his wife never finds out. eventually my life will get back to normal and it'll be great again. but i did make my bed so i respectfully disagree i own and acknowledge my part in all of this. not saying i deserve it, not throwing myself a pity party, but i knew what i was getting into, for better or for worse.

 

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts, SL.

Edited October 7, 2016 by spideywoman

[spideywoman]

If he loved you and wanted to be with you, there is no way he would be going ahead with this adoption.

 

This ^^^. Exactly. Actions speak louder than words. He is where he wants to be and is doing what he wants to do. End of story and i'm no longer a part of it.

 

And btw i dont believe for a second that it was a coincidence that he got the call about kids the day after telling you he chose life with you. I think he knew and perhaps was feeling anxious so he escaped to a fantasy for a moment, one he liked the idea of but wasnt strong enough to see through. Next day he magically gets the call. A perfect way out for him id say! Bloody cowards. Annoys me so much!

 

When I read this I was like, duh! why didn't i think of that before. i never questioned the timing of it. and now i have thought about it. the seed has been planted. i am seething. for the first time in over a year, i am angry at him. thank you for pointing this out, Cyra.

[elaine567]

How on earth does a human being plan & go through with an adoption knowing that they're not capable of giving those, already damaged children, the safety & security that they need? What if his BS learns the truth in a years time?? OMG!!

 

He probably knows that with the lever of the adopted kids, his wife will now stay with him forever and a day, even if his cheating is found out.

He obviously cares little for Spidey, despite his protestations, so I am not sure why she is still hanging around. She appears to be projecting her own sense of "love" and suffering and loss onto him, whilst he is out there just living his life. Her life is on hold, his life is moving forward in leaps and bounds.

He told her it would end when he became a family man and that is what has happened.

He had no intentions of ever staying, I guess he knew about the adoption coming through when he threw the big party for Spidey - it was his way of saying farewell to her, to their friends, to her country. He also knew as soon as she told him she left her husband, it was over, the game was up.

My guess is that he IS a cake eater and when all this excitement over the kids dies down he will either be back sniffing around Spidey again (unlikely if he is in another country and she is now single) or he will find a suitable woman in his own country.

 

Spidey, you are NOT " tethered to the back of a moving car being dragged along a highway at 100km per hour".

YOU lassoed that car, knowing it was going at 100 mph and it would drag you along the highway, causing you damage and pain.

All you need to do now, is let go of the rope.

[spideywoman]

He probably knows that with the lever of the adopted kids, his wife will now stay with him forever and a day, even if his cheating is found out.

He obviously cares little for Spidey, despite his protestations, so I am not sure why she is still hanging around. She appears to be projecting her own sense of "love" and suffering and loss onto him, whilst he is out there just living his life. Her life is on hold, his life is moving forward in leaps and bounds.

He told her it would end when he became a family man and that is what has happened.

He had no intentions of ever staying, I guess he knew about the adoption coming through when he threw the big party for Spidey - it was his way of saying farewell to her, to their friends, to her country. He also knew as soon as she told him she left her husband, it was over, the game was up.

My guess is that he IS a cake eater and when all this excitement over the kids dies down he will either be back sniffing around Spidey again (unlikely if he is in another country and she is now single) or he will find a suitable woman in his own country.

 

Spidey, you are NOT " tethered to the back of a moving car being dragged along a highway at 100km per hour".

YOU lassoed that car, knowing it was going at 100 mph and it would drag you along the highway, causing you damage and pain.

All you need to do now, is let go of the rope.

 

Amen. Thank you, Elaine.

Edited October 7, 2016 by spideywoman

[Cyra]

When I read this I was like, duh! why didn't i think of that before. i never questioned the timing of it. and now i have thought about it. the seed has been planted. i am seething. for the first time in over a year, i am angry at him. thank you for pointing this out, Cyra.

 

Sorry youre angry. I may be wrong but to me it screams of deceit. The extravagant bday party, the claims about wanting to be with you.. he was seeking momentary escape from his predicament by indulging his fantasy and dragging you in. He knew and felt guilty cos he knew he was about to let you down, hence the big party, i think.

[Cyra]

 

As you may imagine, even after all that has been said and done, it's hard for me to focus on his bad sides, though of course they exist and i do see them. ultimately, i believe he's a good man who acted with cowardice but with good intentions. i can't vilify him because i have been abandoned and jilted; disparaging him won't make me feel better. i do see where he is coming from..

 

I get the same. Like now i can only think about the good times. Part of me even feels sorry for him because 'he clearly loved me and was just confused, the poor thing' and i was so nasty to him. YEA. I think its just our deluded grief struck thinking and selective memory. What i fail to remember is all the times he was horrible to me. How 1 day he loved me, next day felt guilty and wouldnt talk to me. Cutting me off for few days during which i was devastated, only to crawl back couple of days later, all peachy and as if nothing happened. I fail to remember the anxious waiting for texts and over analyzing every one of them. He didnt say he loved me today, he didnt put an X after the msg, he didnt txt me for 3 hours, what does it mean? I fail to remember the promises, the undying love declarations, marriage proposals, the plans for the future, only to follow them up with 'im not sure' . The times he couldnt see me because he was with her. The obsessing every saturday morning whether he had sex with his wife. The times he would only satisfy himself during sex. When i remind myself consciously of that crap suddenly i dont feel so bad for him anymore. He deserves the hell his wife is making his life atm.

Edited October 7, 2016 by Cyra

[spideywoman]

I get the same. Like now i can only think about the good times. Part of me even feels sorry for him because 'he clearly loved me and was just confused, the poor thing' and i was so nasty to him. YEA. I think its just our deluded grief struck thinking and selective memory. What i fail to remember is all the times he was horrible to me. How 1 day he loved me, next day felt guilty and wouldnt talk to me. Cutting me off for few days during which i was devastated, only to crawl back couple of days later, all peachy and as if nothing happened. I fail to remember the anxious waiting for texts and over analyzing every one of them. He didnt say he loved me today, he didnt put an X after the msg, he didnt txt me for 3 hours, what does it mean? I fail to remember the promises, the undying love declarations, marriage proposals, the plans for the future, only to follow them up with 'im not sure' . The times he couldnt see me because he was with her. The obsessing every saturday morning whether he had sex with his wife. The times he would only satisfy himself during sex. When i remind myself consciously of that crap suddenly i dont feel so bad for him anymore. He deserves the hell his wife is making his life atm.

 

hey Cyra. i hear you. grief-struck, certainly. deluded in the true sense of the word, i don't think so, not entirely. i know i'm not and i don't think you are, either. you strike me as someone who otherwise has their act together. it's the grief, and it's the slow realization that you, me, us allowed ourselves to remain in less-than-stellar situations and are now trying to reconcile that with the currently, harsh reality. what i meant by vilification. it doesn't make me feel better to think of him as a monster, psycho. i know what i know. i have seen this man exist and behave and act and interact in many situations outside of our own, including some very testy ones. i still keep thinking about the comment you made about the 'call' not being last minute. it's a possibility, not a probability i don't think. i am still angry, though, which is good.

 

hugs. tons of them to you. wish we could meet in a pub somewhere

[Cyra]

I dont know, I think thinking of him as a spineless coward makes me feel better than trying to convince myself that 'he is a nice person really'. Because he is not, a nice person would not have acted that way.

What about you where are you at the moment? Are you through with him or are you still hoping he comes back? May I ask how old is he?

Yes PUB would be great just what I need now!

[Cyra]

Feel awful today. Last night my torturing mind put me through a dream where we reconciled and everything worked out just peachy. To wake up from that and get slapped in the face with the cruel reality sucks big time. So I am feeling super down, missing him (the good times), trying to remind myself of the bad times, hating every other aspect of my life and generally feeling hopeless and like 'what is the point'. This forum and talking to y'all is really my only comfort at the moment.

[Adoraxx]

I get the same. Like now i can only think about the good times. Part of me even feels sorry for him because 'he clearly loved me and was just confused, the poor thing' and i was so nasty to him. YEA. I think its just our deluded grief struck thinking and selective memory. What i fail to remember is all the times he was horrible to me. How 1 day he loved me, next day felt guilty and wouldnt talk to me. Cutting me off for few days during which i was devastated, only to crawl back couple of days later, all peachy and as if nothing happened. I fail to remember the anxious waiting for texts and over analyzing every one of them. He didnt say he loved me today, he didnt put an X after the msg, he didnt txt me for 3 hours, what does it mean? I fail to remember the promises, the undying love declarations, marriage proposals, the plans for the future, only to follow them up with 'im not sure' . The times he couldnt see me because he was with her. The obsessing every saturday morning whether he had sex with his wife. The times he would only satisfy himself during sex. When i remind myself consciously of that crap suddenly i dont feel so bad for him anymore. He deserves the hell his wife is making his life atm.

 

This is so true, Cyra, you just described how my situation was.

[Cyra]

This is so true, Cyra, you just described how my situation was.

 

Sorry to hear that its a horrible situation to be in. How did you get through it? Hugs

[spideywoman]

What about you where are you at the moment? Are you through with him or are you still hoping he comes back? May I ask how old is he? Yes PUB would be great just what I need now!

 

Right now I am just trying to survive. Like last night I went out with a colleague who had apparently gotten in touch with him. (This colleague was one of the ones asking about what happened, why is he gone, etc.) and the colleague says 'wow, so i just found out, how great is that, the adoption. he sounds like he's trying to get his life sorted out.' and i was like yea, you bet he is.

 

anyway. i would like him to come back not just i can jump back into it but because it'll make me feel better. part of me wants to hear what he has to say for himself. as far as the affair goes it's over for me, it's not sustainable and won't lead to what i want/ed, which was to be with him.

 

he and i are both 41.

[spideywoman]

Feel awful today. Last night my torturing mind put me through a dream where we reconciled and everything worked out just peachy. To wake up from that and get slapped in the face with the cruel reality sucks big time. So I am feeling super down, missing him (the good times), trying to remind myself of the bad times, hating every other aspect of my life and generally feeling hopeless and like 'what is the point'. This forum and talking to y'all is really my only comfort at the moment.

 

i am so sorry, Cyra. i have those days and nights, too. we're here for you.

[Cyra]

Right now I am just trying to survive. Like last night I went out with a colleague who had apparently gotten in touch with him. (This colleague was one of the ones asking about what happened, why is he gone, etc.) and the colleague says 'wow, so i just found out, how great is that, the adoption. he sounds like he's trying to get his life sorted out.' and i was like yea, you bet he is.

 

anyway. i would like him to come back not just i can jump back into it but because it'll make me feel better. part of me wants to hear what he has to say for himself. as far as the affair goes it's over for me, it's not sustainable and won't lead to what i want/ed, which was to be with him.

 

he and i are both 41.

 

That must have been hard to hear from your colleague how 'great' it is. 41, I guess you would expect that he is a bit more mature than his behavior has shown. Well I can see now that a man's age is not at all indicative of his maturity. Mine is 50, you would think, hello? But no. His maturity level is that of a silly little boy. He has only been with one woman in his life - his wife, before me (he is from a fanatically religious background although he is not that religious himself, just keeping the pretence up for others). He has never in his life had to deal with any emotional trauma - no break ups, no deaths, no relationship experience, no difficult decisions. He clearly was not equipped to make a change in his life.

I am not sure at the moment what I want. I wish he would talk to me, but for what purpose I do not know. I know that there is absolutely no point in getting back with him, even if he announced today he was separated and living on his own. I know he would still be the same spineless and inconsistent kind of person and I could not trust him. And also if he did talk to me just in friendly terms I think I would find that very painful. But I am finding this silence and being cut off very painful also.

I feel super vulnerable right now and like I dont know what is real anymore. Those bloody dreams, seriously! I just woke up following super vivid dreams of him coming back saying he got the divorce and wants to get back together. It takes me some time to process that it was just a dream and to assimilate the reality all over again. Seriously I feel like I am losing the plot!

[spideywoman]

That must have been hard to hear from your colleague how 'great' it is. 41, I guess you would expect that he is a bit more mature than his behavior has shown. Well I can see now that a man's age is not at all indicative of his maturity. Mine is 50, you would think, hello? But no. His maturity level is that of a silly little boy. He has only been with one woman in his life - his wife, before me (he is from a fanatically religious background although he is not that religious himself, just keeping the pretence up for others). He has never in his life had to deal with any emotional trauma - no break ups, no deaths, no relationship experience, no difficult decisions. He clearly was not equipped to make a change in his life.

I am not sure at the moment what I want. I wish he would talk to me, but for what purpose I do not know. I know that there is absolutely no point in getting back with him, even if he announced today he was separated and living on his own. I know he would still be the same spineless and inconsistent kind of person and I could not trust him. And also if he did talk to me just in friendly terms I think I would find that very painful. But I am finding this silence and being cut off very painful also.

I feel super vulnerable right now and like I dont know what is real anymore. Those bloody dreams, seriously! I just woke up following super vivid dreams of him coming back saying he got the divorce and wants to get back together. It takes me some time to process that it was just a dream and to assimilate the reality all over again. Seriously I feel like I am losing the plot!

 

interesting point you make. my mm has been married for 11 years but together with his wife for 19. so basically they met when he was very young, got married at 30. relationships before then but not serious to yea, he doesn't have the experience, either, of having gone through break ups, etc. and i don't think age and maturity are directly proportional at all. i have known some very mature youngsters and very immature older folks.

 

i read about your nightmare post. kind of how i feel every day, just living a bad dream. i also understand what you mean about you wishing he would reach out. in a way, would make you feel less 'discarded' and that "you meant something." it's how i feel, anyway. i haven't had any contact from my mm, either, except for the faint smoke signal.

 

if mm left and started a life of his own i would entertain going back, but would remain cautious and set boundaries. we need time to mourn and jumping from one relationship to another is not necessarily a good thing. that's my fantasy, though, i ain't gonna lie. that he just leaves and is with me. hope dies last

 

i have been thinking a lot about what you said about the abrupt adoption phone call and the other comments about my birthday party. the whole process was always very touch and go. from what he told me it wasn't even clear that the children would be placed with them, that it was a done deal and just a matter of time and bureaucracy. and i can see how that must have been an agonizing thing (much more so for his wife) _ waiting and hoping and not knowing. there were a few false alarms before then, too, so while it's possible, i think it happened the way it did. as for the bday party i spoke to my friend who knows about us and who knows him and his wife. she was at the party. she has always been very level headed and insightful about this and told me to stop this line of thinking. she reminded me how proud he was, how happy he was that night and not someone who had checked out. plus, he really isn't a sociopath. he's not that sick to have done something like that. he has shut down on me before and he was not shut down that night, playing out his last fantasy all the while knowing he would send me packing like a lamb to slaughter. the times we had broken up before were because he would be overcome by guilt and shut down for a few days while he pulled himself together again.

 

i wish this PM function would activate already

[Cyra]

if mm left and started a life of his own i would entertain going back, but would remain cautious and set boundaries. we need time to mourn and jumping from one relationship to another is not necessarily a good thing. that's my fantasy, though, i ain't gonna lie. that he just leaves and is with me. hope dies last

 

That is true. I may be saying that I wouldn't go back because i RATIONALLY know that it wouldnt work blabla. But to be entirely honest, if he did show up today saying yea, i have separated, have my own place, do you want to reconsider? Well right now the truth is that I am feeling so vulnerable and sad that I might. Stupid and weak, I know but it is the truth. I'd probably do it even while knowing fine well that it would end in more tears. But as you said! Hope is the b*tch that dies last.

Having said that it aint ever gonna happen, only in my dreams, literally. He hates me, deleted me from everywhere and is never going to speak to me again in his life.

 

You know you may be right about the party. I think it takes a calculated and scheming person to do that. I would often think that about my xMM, like one day he would be telling me he loved me and making future plans with me like looking at apartments, the next day I would be dumped because he was feeling 'guilty and anxious and unsure'. Or on the morning of the day he went back to wife, he would be making concrete plans of actions, saying we will be happy together, and then in the evening BOOM. Im going back to her, goodbye. And I would think YEA so you sat there lying to my face and you already knew. But the truth is he didn't know, not for sure anyway, but he certainly has been thinking about it. He was never too good in being honest about his feelings, like he would pretend everything was ok even if inside he was thinking 'hmm, i am not sure i can go through with this'. And that annoyed me most because I am sitting there thinking all is rosy and counting on him and he has half checked out already. But at the same time I dont think he ever really knew and was purposefully misguiding me. I know that whenever he said he loved me and wanted to be with me, he meant it in that moment. Just the moment never lasted too long and would be easily destabilized by his other states of mind.

I know cannot wait for PM either

Edited October 8, 2016 by Cyra

[Cyra]

I want to share this one with you because i find it hilariously ridiculous. When he told his family about me, I was branded as a gold digger by them. I was like, seriously? He is a f****g lecturer! After his outgoings he barely has any money left to buy anything. In the time i have known him he has worn the same 2 pairs of shoes, his car is ancient and falling to pieces, he hardly has any kind of luxury lifestyle! I must be the most pathetic gold digger that has ever lived.

To turn it around though. I dont make too much money in my current job as a scientist, but his wife makes twice as much as me. So I am thinking that one of the reasons he went back to her was because I was poor and she was rich and he would have a more comfortable and secure lifestyle with her, than struggling to make ends meet with me. So who is really the gold digger here?

[Midwestmissy]

Cyra, I'm a bs, but here's something I've learned about manipulative people, conflict avoiders, etc. You can talk to them about your feelings, pain, etc, but they will never, ever see your side of it. Ever. They're so wrapped up in themselves that your chirping about your hurt is just annoying noise to them, keeping them from focusing on what is really important - THEM.

 

Knowing that, hearing from him or contacting him and asking why, or how, or whatever, will only cause you more pain. It's not that he doesn't know what to say, or how to fix this , or is confused - he just doesn't care. This is by no means a reflection that you're not worth caring about - it's a reflection on him and his selfishness. He will never understand how you feel, he's incapable, it's all about him. I'm almost 50 and I wish I knew this when I was younger, but please know that being with you will not make him a better or different person. He doesn't care.

 

I had to accept this about someone who had been in my life for 30 years, who always said the right things - but the actions made it a confusing relationship and I of course would point out my pain and be told I was SO sensitive and dramatic. She was a parasite who was incapable of feelings so just sucked what she could out of me. Any relationship that leVes you feeling a bit off in the stomach is not one worth having.