he left the wife then went back

[Midlifecrisis1]

Sorry guys for sounding like a broken record. One would think, a month and so later, I would be wiser. There has been NC since he dumped me, but I cannot stop obsessing about him.

 

What is he doing? What is he thinking? Is he thinking of me? Has his wife forgiven him? Is he happy? Is he miserable? Why did he choose her? Why did he lie to me saying he loved me? Was I not good enough? Was I not rich enough?

 

Seriously it is doing my head in. I wish I could have a lobotomy and erase him from my mind.

 

It is such a cognitive dissonance because I realize perfectly well after seeing his true colors that even if he didnt go back to his wife in 2 days, it wouldnt have worked. He could have gone back in a week or a month, so I would have been living in constant anxiety and stress and insecurity. Yet I am devastated that he is gone. So what am I really missing? The lies, the deception, the drama? Being with a coward who dumped me over text? Logically it makes no sense.

 

But I cannot stop obsessing and replaying past scenarios or imaginary scenarios (what would have happened if I'd done this or that differently, what would I do/say if he contacted me etc.) Everywhere I go there is some reminder of him. Places we have been together mostly, but it could be as benign as a road sign, a song, a smell, a phrase. Whenever I get triggered I get overwhelmed by intense sorrow, feeling sorry for myself and missing him.

 

Part of me wishes to never see or hear from him again, part of me wishes he would talk to me. I vacillate between being angry at him and being in love with him.

 

Has anyone experienced the same and have any practical tips how to put a stop to these neverending obsessive thoughts for good?

 

I could have written this myself, maybe I did, a month or so ago. I still have some of those obsessive thoughts but they don't hold the same emotional response for me as they did. I think that's the lexapro though. It's been 3 months since it ended and I still wonder about a lot of things and what his family life is like now. Does he miss me, think about me, were his feelings true? It's just going to take time and distance (and therapy and medication).

[Cyra]

I could have written this myself, maybe I did, a month or so ago. I still have some of those obsessive thoughts but they don't hold the same emotional response for me as they did. I think that's the lexapro though. It's been 3 months since it ended and I still wonder about a lot of things and what his family life is like now. Does he miss me, think about me, were his feelings true? It's just going to take time and distance (and therapy and medication).

 

Thank you, I wish I was at that stage now! I dont break down and cry or anything like that, but just keep obsessing and it renders me unable to do anything else.

I am starting therapy next week, but I am not so sure about medication? I heard a lot of negative feedback, like it numbs your feelings, you dont feel 'yourself' etc, and I also feel like going down that route, would be like admitting he has so much power over me to drive me to drug myself to forget him! I would like to be strong enough to do it myself, if that makes sense?

[DKT3]

Thoughts are just fleeting mental images. They have no consequences until you choose to make them important--Deepak Chopra

[Cyra]

Thoughts are just fleeting mental images. They have no consequences until you choose to make them important--Deepak Chopra

 

Thoughts evoke release of hormones in the brain, which is probably the equivalent of a junkie snorting bicarbonate soda after having had the best coke, so kinda like seeking a cheap fix from those obsessive thoughts since we cannot get the fix we really crave and we were used to getting from the A.

[lemondrop21]

I had the same hesitations as you did about medication. But starting antidepressants has made everything lots more tolerable. For me, it hasn't really "numbed me," but rather had limited the emotional range I can feel most of the time. So I can feel happy, but not ecstatic, and I can feel sad, but not completely hopeless.

 

There were side effects for the first couple weeks, but I pushed through and those died down.

[Cyra]

I had the same hesitations as you did about medication. But starting antidepressants has made everything lots more tolerable. For me, it hasn't really "numbed me," but rather had limited the emotional range I can feel most of the time. So I can feel happy, but not ecstatic, and I can feel sad, but not completely hopeless.

 

There were side effects for the first couple weeks, but I pushed through and those died down.

 

That would be helpful since I by default vacillate between elation and despair, even in 'normal' times. What sort of side effects have you experienced?

[BaileyB]

You can challenge your thinking, similar to cognitive behavioural therapy.

 

For example, when you think "I miss him, I wonder what he's doing right now."

 

You think "He has moved on with his life. The relationship caused me pain. If I continue to think about him, it will continue to bring me pain."

 

And then, redirect yourself to other, more productive and positive things.

 

Or just create a mantra to say when you think of him. "Its over. I need to look forward and focus on the future, because there are good things for me in the future."

 

In time, the "tape" that plays in your mind will change. Good luck.

[Jemima1234]

I can totally relate to this. I obsess all the time about things. We are not in NC but in some ways that's harder!!

 

Medication has been lifesaver for me along with counselling. And time!

[Cyra]

You can challenge your thinking, similar to cognitive behavioural therapy.

 

For example, when you think "I miss him, I wonder what he's doing right now."

 

You think "He has moved on with his life. The relationship caused me pain. If I continue to think about him, it will continue to bring me pain."

 

And then, redirect yourself to other, more productive and positive things.

 

Or just create a mantra to say when you think of him. "Its over. I need to look forward and focus on the future, because there are good things for me in the future."

 

In time, the "tape" that plays in your mind will change. Good luck.

 

Thank you, i do try to do that. Keep reminding myself whenever i think of him of all the real reasons why he wasnt good for me and im better off without hi

 

Sometimes it works but not always, sometimes the delusional wishful thinking still gets through the logic filter

[Onlywhenitrains]

Sorry guys for sounding like a broken record. One would think, a month and so later, I would be wiser. There has been NC since he dumped me, but I cannot stop obsessing about him.

 

What is he doing? What is he thinking? Is he thinking of me? Has his wife forgiven him? Is he happy? Is he miserable? Why did he choose her? Why did he lie to me saying he loved me? Was I not good enough? Was I not rich enough?

 

Seriously it is doing my head in. I wish I could have a lobotomy and erase him from my mind.

 

It is such a cognitive dissonance because I realize perfectly well after seeing his true colors that even if he didnt go back to his wife in 2 days, it wouldnt have worked. He could have gone back in a week or a month, so I would have been living in constant anxiety and stress and insecurity. Yet I am devastated that he is gone. So what am I really missing? The lies, the deception, the drama? Being with a coward who dumped me over text? Logically it makes no sense.

 

But I cannot stop obsessing and replaying past scenarios or imaginary scenarios (what would have happened if I'd done this or that differently, what would I do/say if he contacted me etc.) Everywhere I go there is some reminder of him. Places we have been together mostly, but it could be as benign as a road sign, a song, a smell, a phrase. Whenever I get triggered I get overwhelmed by intense sorrow, feeling sorry for myself and missing him.

 

Part of me wishes to never see or hear from him again, part of me wishes he would talk to me. I vacillate between being angry at him and being in love with him.

 

Has anyone experienced the same and have any practical tips how to put a stop to these neverending obsessive thoughts for good?

 

 

It's normal. I'm two or so months NC/LC and we haven't seen each other for more than 3 months.

 

I still think of him every day, and obsessive thoughts come in waves. Sometimes I'm able to make them go away quickly, and sometimes I just drown in them and those are usually the darkest moments. And yes, being angry/livid at him and myself and being in love with him are two ends of the spectrum.

 

Doing things like vacations, reconnecting with friends, new and old hobbies, scheduling all kinds of activities to keep yourself busy helps. Sometimes you genuinely enjoy those, and sometimes you come home lonely and alone. You just have to keep moving on.

 

Time, determination and patience are the key. I know, time moves slowly and it's more often than not impossible to see any progress. But, it's there. No matter how small and incremental, it is still there.

 

Lately, there have been two things that are really helpful to me. One is looking for ways to be able to forgive him and myself for the A, and working on that when obsessive thoughts come brings me closer to kindness. The second thing very helpful (but, also painful at the same time) is acknowledging that none of the questions that drive me crazy about his thoughts, feelings or what I or us meant to him actually matter. None. Because whatever he thought/felt or thinks/feels right now was/is NOT enough for him to be together with me. And, it's not because I'm not smart, caring, beautiful etc enough. I know I am.

 

You are, too. Don't put yourself down. Lift yourself up!

 

All the best!

[Midlifecrisis1]

I had the same hesitations as you did about medication. But starting antidepressants has made everything lots more tolerable. For me, it hasn't really "numbed me," but rather had limited the emotional range I can feel most of the time. So I can feel happy, but not ecstatic, and I can feel sad, but not completely hopeless.

 

There were side effects for the first couple weeks, but I pushed through and those died down.

 

This is my experience as well. I am not numb or a zombie. But I just don't care as much about certain things. I Am not depressed at all anymore, where as before I could barely pull myself out of bed. I Don't have any other side effects other than tiredness the first week.

 

Would you rather he have power over you that causes you to obsess about him and feel sad and not functioning, or accept that if you take a pill, his power over you will be greatly diminished.

[Cyra]

This is my experience as well. I am not numb or a zombie. But I just don't care as much about certain things. I Am not depressed at all anymore, where as before I could barely pull myself out of bed. I Don't have any other side effects other than tiredness the first week.

 

That sounds like bliss compared to the turmoil im going through. Id give anything for a bit of indifference! I will look into it, thanks ?

[Forever broken]

Sorry guys for sounding like a broken record. One would think, a month and so later, I would be wiser. There has been NC since he dumped me, but I cannot stop obsessing about him.

 

What is he doing? What is he thinking? Is he thinking of me? Has his wife forgiven him? Is he happy? Is he miserable? Why did he choose her? Why did he lie to me saying he loved me? Was I not good enough? Was I not rich enough?

 

Seriously it is doing my head in. I wish I could have a lobotomy and erase him from my mind.

 

It is such a cognitive dissonance because I realize perfectly well after seeing his true colors that even if he didnt go back to his wife in 2 days, it wouldnt have worked. He could have gone back in a week or a month, so I would have been living in constant anxiety and stress and insecurity. Yet I am devastated that he is gone. So what am I really missing? The lies, the deception, the drama? Being with a coward who dumped me over text? Logically it makes no sense.

 

But I cannot stop obsessing and replaying past scenarios or imaginary scenarios (what would have happened if I'd done this or that differently, what would I do/say if he contacted me etc.) Everywhere I go there is some reminder of him. Places we have been together mostly, but it could be as benign as a road sign, a song, a smell, a phrase. Whenever I get triggered I get overwhelmed by intense sorrow, feeling sorry for myself and missing him.

 

Part of me wishes to never see or hear from him again, part of me wishes he would talk to me. I vacillate between being angry at him and being in love with him.

 

Has anyone experienced the same and have any practical tips how to put a stop to these neverending obsessive thoughts for good?

 

 

Cyra, is normal for your mind to wonder what's going on in his life after breakup and no contact. I can tell in your voice you love him. Do not beat yourself because he chose her. Sometimes certain things happen for a reason and we might not understand it now. Later it will make sense. It will get better hun, take your time. You will get there eventually.

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Hello sister. I believe the those thoughts are about seeking validation. MY MM not contacting me after I went NC without warning was a shock for me and it was about the last thing that bothered me. Did I not matter? He has no reason to not contact so why isn't he? Does he not care or wonder if I'm safe? I discussed it with my counselor...it's about seeking validation. You are seeking validation from him. My counselor challenged me to recall a memory, one that is most potent (for me it was invalidation from my mother), and see the parallels between mom's and MM's invalidation. Then, the challenge is to find ways to validate yourself. I get lots of validation from my work, but that has led me to be work-a-holic. I'm still working on figuring it out, but I think that is where the answer lies.

 

Recognizing the root of it does help to not feel obsessive...like your mind is trying to solve a puzzle without all the pieces (because he holds some of the pieces). But when you look inward and reframe the puzzle, your mind will get some relief. Hope that makes sense. Also, I like what Tony Robbins says about all humans have five basic psychological needs, and one of them is significance (i.e. validation). Be kind to yourself!

[ladydesigner]

You can challenge your thinking, similar to cognitive behavioural therapy.

 

For example, when you think "I miss him, I wonder what he's doing right now."

 

You think "He has moved on with his life. The relationship caused me pain. If I continue to think about him, it will continue to bring me pain."

 

And then, redirect yourself to other, more productive and positive things.

 

Or just create a mantra to say when you think of him. "Its over. I need to look forward and focus on the future, because there are good things for me in the future."

 

In time, the "tape" that plays in your mind will change. Good luck.

 

Really good post here in regards to obsessive thoughts! I had them when my A ended as a MOW and as a BS through my WH's A's.

 

Cognitive therapy and reading is a must! It is so helpful with the obsessive thinking. I had to get on medication for mine and it did stop them dead in their tracks.

[spideywoman]

Wanted to chime in about mood-stabilizing meds. Unrelated to anything romantic, my doctor put me on them five years ago when i was going through culture shock and dealing with criminals at a new job (wish i knew of LS back then!) he had me on a low doses of prozac and risperdal (yea! off - label use to combat anxiety.) took them both daily for about a year.

 

saw the effects within a few weeks. i felt very much like myself, just calmer, which is exactly what i needed. it stabilized me since i was like a tinderbox, anything could set me off at any time. the worst side effect for me was weight gain, though i'm not sure whether it was directly related to the meds. since i was depressed i was also eating more _ way, way more. i found solace in food.

 

all in all, i am glad i did. waning off them was no problem at all. i think, particularly in the US, prescriptions are given to easily and too quickly but when necessary, as it was in my case, i think they're tremendously beneficial.

[S2B]

Instead of covering up how you feel with medicine - I would suggest talking it through with a professional.

 

Face your feelings and work through them to the other side.

[BaileyB]

you would benefit from counselling.

[Cyra]

you would benefit from counselling.

 

Yes starting that next week ?

[spideywoman]

Instead of covering up how you feel with medicine - I would suggest talking it through with a professional.

 

Face your feelings and work through them to the other side.

 

Medicine doesn't cover it up _ it helps you get to the other side when used responsibly and with adequate and appropriate dosage. You are encouraged to continue to therapy while on them. Most doctors require it in order to continue giving prescriptions. That's what I did _ kept talking and the meds were an added benefit.

[Grey Cloud]

It's time. The first month for me was the worst - full of obsessive thoughts. By 3 months it was getting a tiny bit better. Some good days and some crippling days. I am now 8 months out and feeling (mostly) back to my normal self. I never thought I would get there, it was just so overwhelming in the beginning!

 

However, I do feel in your case it could take longer given he actually left his wife and went back. In any case, time is the answer. One foot in front of the other. It's a gradual shift but it will come.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It's time. The first month for me was the worst - full of obsessive thoughts. By 3 months it was getting a tiny bit better. Some good days and some crippling days. I am now 8 months out and feeling (mostly) back to my normal self. I never thought I would get there, it was just so overwhelming in the beginning!

 

However, I do feel in your case it could take longer given he actually left his wife and went back. In any case, time is the answer. One foot in front of the other. It's a gradual shift but it will come.

 

I agree. Meds help with obsessive thoughts. I had extreme anxiety from a job and went on Lexapro. It helps but it makes you gain weight. This time I put myself on St/ Johns Wort. It is OTC here but I know its by a dtr only in the UK and other countries. It helped. I was on it for a few months and then took myself off. There are health warnings like any drug.

 

The fact he left his wife and went back, that must be horrendous. I would definitely consult a dtr and don't be ashamed to go on meds. They help.