he left the wife then went back

[MidnightBlue1980]

My thoughts - he was your teacher. Yes, you are not a kid but still, there is supposed to be a level of decorum in certain relationships and teacher is one of them. On many levels, he should known better.

 

You are so young and he is not. You really did not lose anything. Trust me. Now you can meet someone your own age and have a family and never do this again.

 

He will be back. There is - I texted like a crazy person - and there is - I murdered the family pet like a crazy person. It sounds like the former, so he will be back. We all have texted like a crazy person.

 

Do not engage. Go NC now.

[Cyra]

 

How so, were you going to break up with your BF?

 

Yes I was going to go through with what I said I would do. I wanted to be with this man, despite knowing deep down that he was a loser and not to be trusted, but I was blindly in love.

You are right in what you say and I think it is the right course of action. I just cannot contemplate it right at this moment. I need to regain some of my strength and balance before facing this.

[Cyra]

 

He will be back. There is - I texted like a crazy person - and there is - I murdered the family pet like a crazy person. It sounds like the former, so he will be back. We all have texted like a crazy person.

 

No I definitely did not murder anything or anyone

I definitely texted like a crazy person and sent txts of his to his wife, because who knows what sort of watered down story he was giving her.

I deeply regret it now because I only humiliated myself, but I was not in a coherent state of mind at the time.

NC is on and I am not going to talk to him even if by some miracle he decides to contact me. I am not going to feed into his drama any further.

[Cyra]

Typical MM affair. Nothing special.

 

Most often they always go back to the wife and family.

 

It's like a broken record.

 

I wish I had read this forum before. I never had an affair with a married person before so it was all new to me and I believed all the BS. Had I seen other people's stories before that told things identical to the ones I was going through, I probably would have got out much sooner.

[amomwhoknows]

I think you dodged a real bullet here. First, he sounds immature. Second, holy cow, he has 6 kids. Were you thinking that you would skip off to the future and have a great relationship with his children after the kind of betrayal their mother experienced? If he loves his children, the strain on your relationship would have been immense and likely impossible to overcome. Can you imagine the emotional turmoil this family is going through right now? How do you think he is handling it? Imagine if he had followed through and left his family, how do you think he would handle the constant crisis that will occur the next few years as his marriage was dissolved.

 

I suspect that his (your?) University has a policy against professors sleeping with students (regardless of age). He could have lost his job, perhaps that is what his mother reminded him of, and then you would have been supporting him.

 

Consider yourself lucky. End your relationship with your BF and get some counseling before dating again.

[Adoraxx]

Hey Cyra, Welcome to LS

Is there any chance of you running into xMM again? I hope not?

Hugs

[amomwhoknows]

Also, the crazy texting. It is nice your are concerned about how you "look" to him. But honey he is a father of 6 cheating on his wife (and spending significant time away from his kids, loser) and likely violating university policy. Also, hoping that he didn't use university funds for his jaunts with you. Anyway, how you "look" to him should not matter one bit. Live that guilt about texting in the garbage can, along with this "relationship"

[Midwestmissy]

Fwiw, if the only reason he went back to his family was because his mom told him to, he will be contacting you again. If he went back because he wants to stay with his family, he probably won't be back.

 

No one can make a person stay or leave. My mil was rooting for the mow, in fact, and I told wh he was free to go - please go!! The mow wanted to end her marriage for him. Once people knew about the 2 of them and he realized exactly what and who had done, he was mortified. He wanted to work on our marriage.

 

Legally, no one can keep his kids from him. Any threat that way is empty. As far as money, he could have put his ducks in a row prior to leaving his family if he knew for certain that was what he wanted to do. Like toddlers, cheaters don't see past the end of their own noses and then seem shocked at the fallout.

 

You seem to accept your role in all this. That's refreshing. I wish you luck.

[Cyra]

Can you imagine the emotional turmoil this family is going through right now? How do you think he is handling it? Imagine if he had followed through and left his family, how do you think he would handle the constant crisis that will occur the next few years as his marriage was dissolved.

 

The last I heard (the day he broke up with me) was he told his wife he was sorry and made a mistake. In my opinion a mistake is a one night stand, no one makes a continuous mistake for 18 months. I dont know how he is handling it, I assume she took him back but I doubt the trust and respect will ever be restored. He nuked the site then returned to it expecting flowers and trees and singing birds. He destroyed everything for nothing, if he did not want to leave he never had to say anything.

 

And yes he has spend uni funds to go away with me. There isnt really a policy against relationships as we are all adults but it is generally frowned upon and he might be forced out if it was found out as many things would come into questions such as exam results etc. Which was never the case as I never required his help in that department but it could still be questioned.

[Cyra]

Fwiw, if the only reason he went back to his family was because his mom told him to, he will be contacting you again. If he went back because he wants to stay with his family, he probably won't be back.

 

Like toddlers, cheaters don't see past the end of their own noses and then seem shocked at the fallout.

 

I do not really know what happened but he is from a fanatically religious family so I assume his mother bashed the fear of god into him. Also bearing in mind that he was a weak man, swaying in whatever direction the wind blew. He was never good at handling pressure, stress or sticking to his word.

I suppose I was naive. I loved him deeply and I thought that we could overcome anything. But clearly I was the only one of such conviction.

I don't think he will be back, he will now be in a hermetically sealed bubble of his family and his wife will be keeping a close eye on him. Even if he was kicked out and lived on his own, I still would not want him back. It took all this for me to realize that I do not want to share my life with a wimp who constantly needs mothering and looking after.

[Cyra]

Hey Cyra, Welcome to LS

Is there any chance of you running into xMM again? I hope not?

Hugs

 

Hi and thank you

There is no real reason for us running into each other. However life is a b*tch sometimes, and you always meet someone when you really dont want to.

If it happens though I will just act like he is air.

[Patrice]

what led you to get involved with him. This is necessary so you don't look back or get yourself involved with this type of man, again. It will be painful, you will feel sad, angry, hurt, demoralized. It gets better. Take YOUR power back.

Karma will bite him in the future.

[Cyra]

what led you to get involved with him. This is necessary so you don't look back or get yourself involved with this type of man, again. It will be painful, you will feel sad, angry, hurt, demoralized. It gets better. Take YOUR power back.

Karma will bite him in the future.

 

I remember when I first noticed him, he was not particularly attractive but I saw some deep sadness in him and I found that very endearing, probably because I was sad inside too. I wanted him to smile, to feel loved and be happy. Little did I know back then about what kind of person he really was, but even as his true colors started to show I still continued seeing him through my filters.

[Patrice]

to be my protector, met him later on. At that point, he said his marriage was over and he was waiting for his daughter to go off to school. That was 3 years ago. I have not seen him in years, he tries to contact me still. I finally said do not contact me, if you are married. No friendship, no communication - nothing. He started sending me pictures of other women he is sleeping with, to trigger jealousy I guess. Anyway, he is a sick twisted man. I beat myself up for a long time, about how naive I was. Now, I understand I was in a world of hurt from my marriage, and wasn't really myself. They prey on kind people, who for whatever reason aren't in a good place with their self esteem.

[Cyra]

He started sending me pictures of other women he is sleeping with, to trigger jealousy I guess. Anyway, he is a sick twisted man. I beat myself up for a long time, about how naive I was.

 

Sorry you have gone through that. That is so sad sending you pictures of other women? What were you meant to suddenly want to spring to action and contact him? Silly man. Truth is I dont think they like it when the shoe is on the other foot and it is them who are being rejected. Good for you for not contacting him or replying, he sounds like he is not right in the head!

But yes we do have the tendency to beat ourselves up so much, because we know how sincere our feelings were and cannot understand how someone can treat us this way, I guess. Hope you are feeling better

[Patrice]

off too. Let your own healing begin. I just see him for what he is, and yes I got the opportunity to reject him. I wouldn't be surprised if yours comes back, get ready for that. They generally do, need an ego stroke, are in a bad place with the spouse. Shut the door, and don't open it back up.

[elaine567]

They prey on kind people, who for whatever reason aren't in a good place with their self esteem.

 

That is because women who are in a good place, tell him to go back to his wife when he attempts to pick her up.

[Cyra]

off too. Let your own healing begin. I just see him for what he is, and yes I got the opportunity to reject him. I wouldn't be surprised if yours comes back, get ready for that. They generally do, need an ego stroke, are in a bad place with the spouse. Shut the door, and don't open it back up.

 

I doubt it, I think I managed to make him think I am crazy and put him off for good. Which is a good thing, even though part of me stupidly regrets it. But I know now there never was a future in it, I wasted my time with him for nothing. That is a really depressing thought.

[elaine567]

But I know now there never was a future in it, I wasted my time with him for nothing. That is a really depressing thought.

 

You don't need to be with a MM to realise you may have wasted your time with a man for nothing, I think we have all been there.

At least you can be grateful that it wasn't 20-30 years like some on here.

18 months is nothing, look at it as a learning experience.

[Cyra]

18 months is nothing, look at it as a learning experience.

 

Thanks Elaine. I certainly have learnt wonders from this experience. I will never put myself in a situation like that ever again and next time someone treats me poorly, he gets one warning and out after that.

[DKT3]

Is your boyfriend wasting his time? Cuz 10 years is a very long time. I guess the poor treatment is a one way swinging gate.

[Cyra]

I suppose normally (not now) I am quite optimistic, and while there is a lot of failed affairs, there are also success stories. People who fell in love and got together and were happy. So I thought, why not this?

[Cyra]

Is your boyfriend wasting his time? Cuz 10 years is a very long time. I guess the poor treatment is a one way swinging gate.

 

I get your point, however there are two sides to a coin. My current relationship being a failure is not entirely my fault. My current partner has not been trying either, he let our relationship slip, he does not make an effort for me or to spend time together either, sex life is non existent, so all these signs show me that he is either not bothered either (perhaps also seeing someone) or that he is just happy with the way things are.

I know the first step is to talk but whenever I tried in the past, the response would be: tired because always working, no money to do anything, not same days off etc.

[DKT3]

I get your point, however there are two sides to a coin. My current relationship being a failure is not entirely my fault. My current partner has not been trying either, he let our relationship slip, he does not make an effort for me or to spend time together either, sex life is non existent, so all these signs show me that he is either not bothered either (perhaps also seeing someone) or that he is just happy with the way things are.

I know the first step is to talk but whenever I tried in the past, the response would be: tired because always working, no money to do anything, not same days off etc.

 

What you have to understand is you opinion of him and the relationship has changed from the very second you became interested in the other man. From the sounds of it, it's been roughly two years.

 

With that dynamic that happens more often then not is his efforts go unnoticed or unappreciated. After a while there is no effort. Things he once did that you found endearing now become annoying, as your focus turns to the other man, the man who you have become loyal too.

 

This thing normally have a much deeper effect on women due to the mind tricks they play on themselves as the blind and themselves to the positives of the husband/boyfriend and the negatives of MM. Bright flashing lights like cheating on his wife.

 

This creates a great deal of confusion for women who get where you are now...as you gain distance from MM you will start to have floods of emotions for/about your current relationship. You've been shut off.

 

And another thing is the chance that your boyfriend is clueless about your affair is slim, so him being involved with another woman is highly likely.

Edited October 2, 2016 by DKT3
Damn auto correct

[malvern99]

I get your point, however there are two sides to a coin. My current relationship being a failure is not entirely my fault. My current partner has not been trying either, he let our relationship slip, he does not make an effort for me or to spend time together either, sex life is non existent, so all these signs show me that he is either not bothered either (perhaps also seeing someone) or that he is just happy with the way things are.

I know the first step is to talk but whenever I tried in the past, the response would be: tired because always working, no money to do anything, not same days off etc.

 

I don't think that was the point DKT was trying to make. You are absolutely right though that the failure of your relationship is 50% your fault and 50% your boyfriend's fault. That said though, your choice to cheat is 100% your fault. Your boyfriend played no part in that. Nothing he did or did not do forced your hand.

 

The point DKT is trying to make though (in my opinion at least) is that you are being a little hypocritical. You are in the me me me phase where everything is all about you and your pain. That would be fine if you were unattached. You are angry and appalled that MM hurt you while you are simultaneously hurting your BF. He may not know yet, but that is not doing him any favors. In your position, you can make informed decisions on what to do with your life. Your BF though is living in make believe land because no one has seen fit to give him all the relevant information about what is going on his life. You may have significant problems with your BF, but surely, the least he deserves is the right to make decisions about his life with the most accurate information made available to him. Good luck OP.