he left the wife then went back

[sandylee1]

As you're financially self sufficient and you aren't getting your physical needs met by your BF, what's stopping you from just ending it?

 

You had no problem with lying to him for so long, he hasn't responded to your complaints, so why continue wasting your life with him.

 

Life's too short to waste your time in unsatisfying relationships.

[spiderowl]

I'd be shattered and I would imagine you are too. I would find it hard to believe he knew what he was doing. I think I'd have to take a step back and see whether I wanted to continue in a relationship with someone who had just done that. He obviously got infatuated for a while and was following a fantasy. Whatever, I doubt I'd trust him again.

 

So sorry to hear this has happened to you. I am sending you a hug.

[Miss Clavel]

Sorry what do you mean with this?

 

I don't know why everyone is so adamant that he will be back!

And why does that even matter, he can try if he likes but he is not getting as much as a response.

i made up the phrase. for my on again off again crush.

 

"drive by" is self explanatory. "down load" as in uh, down loading their uh, lets just say they come by for sex. oh, they dress it up with emotion and attention and words but its still a drive by download. wether they want sex, in the case of my crush or they want some of the settlement money in the case of my wasband. but all my life, in almost all of my relationships, they always always come back. and not to your good.

 

that's why i suspect he will be back and since you started the affair, since you cheated on your BF by allowing yourself to be "weak" puke, i'm fairly certain you will get lured in, again.

 

and trust me when i tell you, if you do allow him to touch you again, it will be so much worse. it is for women with pride anyway. it's like knowing your an alkie and joining AA and then drinking. worse feeling in the world because once you know whats what, denial ain't possible. you know about the wife you know he ain't no prize and you know you've got a perfectly servicable man in close proximity that you're going to eventually, when it's best for you, throw away.

 

open your eyes. open your mouth and tell your "man' who you REALLY are. it will might make you both feel better and if it don't make him better, hey, it's all about you anyway. right?

[Cyra]

My A ended 1.5 weeks ago. I have been devastated but at the same time I have been noticing some relief. For example, during the A I would be anxious all the time. About him texting/not texting, about him having sex with his wife, about him changing his mind about wanting to be with me blablabla... Every waking hour it was stress, the feeling of impending doom, waiting for something to happen. Now, that self-sustaining stress is gone because there is only the constant pain of it being over but that is not being perpetuated so it diminishes with time as I can already see happening. The neural pathways associated with him are slowly disentangling.

However today I noticed he has deleted me from the last network we were connected on and it triggered me. I have been NC since the end of the A. Yet I feel so upset that he would delete me from everywhere. I feel like he must really hate me. Even after all he has done to me I still do not hate him. These random feelings of extreme pain are so hard to deal with.

[Jemima1234]

I can relate so much to what you are going through! Am not NC yet but am going towards that and I know that I will feel like you In terms of the anxiety about his life, whether he going to phone text etc!

 

You are doing so well. He once blocked me on a chat app- I remember how deep it cut! No doubt he will do it again and it will hurt again. But remember that's it now - no new pain!!!!

[Cyra]

Thank you, it is so hard. He has never deleted me before. He would have 'dumped' me for a few days or whatever but never delete me he would always keep the channel open and always text me in a few days. It feels so final now, even though I want it to be but a part of me doesnt and it hurts so much seeing him do that.

[Jemima1234]

Yep I totally get that. Knowing its for the best doesn't take away the pain of it. Rejection is a horrible feeling - but at the end of the day I try tell myself he isn't rejecting me, he was married first. But it's a killer.

 

I am on this journey too- hope we can support each other!

[Cyra]

Of course we can!

the annoying thing is that he hates me and i should hate him too but i dont. Im not right in the head. I hate the idea of him sitting there and hating me and deleting me from his life

so i try to remind self of all the horrible things he did to me. The lies, the back and forth, the inconsistency and cowardice. And it helps for a moment but im such a damn fool that i still have some love for him left and hate the idea of seeing him in pain, as much as i wouldnt like to see anyone in pain

i guess now i know it is truly over whether i like it or not

[Jemima1234]

Ok let me tell you a little more of my story. I had an affair with this man a few years ago. It ended, he blocked me, deleted me from everything. I thought he hated me- was sure he must like you say. Fast forward to now- long story but it started again. I now know he didn't hate me, he was hurting too. But this was his male way of dealing with it and also trying to do right thing. Still hurts like hell but I do understand it more!

 

(And yep- I am off my head to have got myself back in this mess!!)

[HeCantBreakMe]

Of course we can!

the annoying thing is that he hates me and i should hate him too but i dont. Im not right in the head. I hate the idea of him sitting there and hating me and deleting me from his life

so i try to remind self of all the horrible things he did to me. The lies, the back and forth, the inconsistency and cowardice. And it helps for a moment but im such a damn fool that i still have some love for him left and hate the idea of seeing him in pain, as much as i wouldnt like to see anyone in pain

i guess now i know it is truly over whether i like it or not

 

I am not sure why you think he hates you? What did you do to him ?? Thinking he hates you is to think he cared it may be you just denying the truth in that he really didn't care and his wife is putting the law down. It sucks and it hurts and is something along the lines of what I am dealing with but maybe seeing the truth isn't such a bad thing?

 

Hang in there!

[S2B]

Don't you worry about it...he will be back - they always do.

 

What you do about it when he returns is the question....you intend to start up again or you intend to ignore him this time?

[spideywoman]

Cyra _ i don't think he hates you, at least not permanently. it has only been 1.5 weeks. his world (including his family, his wife) has been turned upside down. he has been exposed. he is in damage control mode. he is in determination mode. he is trying to put the pieces of his life back together. you may have broken up before and were never "deleted," as it were. remember it has never been so incredibly public, so out there. i mean, the guy told everyone he was leaving his wife / life for you then went back. it is unreasonable to think he would maintain any kind of contact, even an indirect one. i have seen this before and have even done it before myself. when you're focused and utterly determined to make something happen (work on my marriage, don't text her, don't email him, etc.) something kicks in and your energy goes into that. that's where he is right now. perhaps he'll remain there, perhaps he won't. from what you have shared with us (aside from the entire affair itself, of course) what you have done 'wrong' is what you did when he went back _ the texting, etc. (BTW, no JUDGMENT whatsoever when i say 'wrong' ... why it's in quotes. i am in your shoes, too.) and that, even though you say it was a blow to your dignity, was perfectly understandable under the circumstances. once the acute phase is over, once he begins to realize and accept his responsibility and his role in all of this, he will stop vilifying you. but as i said, for that to happen he'll need to own up, be honest with himself, he'll need to emotionally mature. that will take time and effort.

 

as for you. don't beat yourself up about how you're feeling _ that you're not hating him, etc. this is a process. a long, convoluted, painful one. sure, there are stages but no one is linear. these are feelings. they are what they are. you're not bound by a timeline or a schedule. no one can dictate how you should feel. it'll come. just sit with them. process them. yes, he put you through the wringer and broke your heart into a million pieces. once YOU, too, are out of the fog, and are able to clearly see what happened is when you'll truly start to heal _ your brain will talk to your heart with much more clarity. right now you're hurting. let yourself hurt. don't think about anything else and keep on maintaining your NC. it really is the best solution. that, and time.

 

sending you a big hug.

[Miss Clavel]

It's not a competition when only one of the participants knows what on earth is going on.

 

There aren't any 'winners' in affairs!! It's brutal agony. Loss of self. Loss of esteem, morals, principles. Adultery is all about 'how low will you go?' before the truth hits you like a ton of bricks.

 

If the MM is a cold, egotistical, calculating monster who gets to play his game & get the 'perks' without any fallout maybe he could consider himself a winner but in truth he's a scummy looser of the worst kind.

 

when the MM is talking about his wife behind her back the OW is "competing" with what he says about his wife and their family. what he says of course, may not be true.

 

no argument about adultery causing pain.

[Arieswoman]

OP,

I posted this on another thread;

 

My WS told his AP that he's stopped having sex with me because he's gone off me because "I'd got fat" and "let myself go".

 

This was a total fabrication.

 

At the time I was 5'3" tall and about 125 lbs

 

When I visited his workplace on several occasions I was unknowingly seen by her. What a shock for her to see a smartly-dressed business woman, with a chic haircut, driving a better car than him !

 

I wonder why it never occurred to her that he was lying?

 

They all lie to justify the affair .......

[Cyra]

Thank you Spideywoman. It is weird, I knew he deleted me from everywhere else and it did not really struck me, but yesterday when I saw he deleted me from the last place it was surprisingly painful. I probably should hate him rightfully for what he did but funnily enough I do not. I guess I cannot just switch love off, or around.

But, I totally see what you are getting at. He probably blames me, both in his mind and in front of his wife. 'She pursued me, its all her fault, I am such a victim!' YEA. I can just see it.

I suppose I still think of him in the way I saw him, rather than in the way he really is. It is time for me to assimilate it.

I am not going to go back with him if he came back. That was not why I was sad, it just struck me that someone who allegedly loved me now openly hates me. I just find it sad, thats all. I certainly do not want him back. His wife can have him all to herself now.

[Cyra]

 

They all lie to justify the affair .......

 

Yes I can see now how he lied many times.

At the time I guess I knew but idiotically I chose to ignore it because I wanted to believe what I was hearing.

Stupid, I know.

[spideywoman]

Thank you Spideywoman. It is weird, I knew he deleted me from everywhere else and it did not really struck me, but yesterday when I saw he deleted me from the last place it was surprisingly painful. I probably should hate him rightfully for what he did but funnily enough I do not. I guess I cannot just switch love off, or around.

But, I totally see what you are getting at. He probably blames me, both in his mind and in front of his wife. 'She pursued me, its all her fault, I am such a victim!' YEA. I can just see it.

I suppose I still think of him in the way I saw him, rather than in the way he really is. It is time for me to assimilate it.

I am not going to go back with him if he came back. That was not why I was sad, it just struck me that someone who allegedly loved me now openly hates me. I just find it sad, thats all. I certainly do not want him back. His wife can have him all to herself now.

 

Give yourself the time to grieve and heal. Set your mind to it, do whatever it takes to get up in the morning and move forward, not back. Little by little encourage yourself and let us (me?!) help. But don't force yourself because in my experience at least, that backfires. When you squeeze too hard, even yourself, something bursts.

 

You and me both _ assimilation. I guess one day it'll come, right?

 

Xxoo.

[Cyra]

That is much what I am doing. Sleeping and getting up for work, just going through the motions appearing ok on the outside (I think!) but a complete mess on the inside.

It is worse because I only seem to remember the nice parts. I have to force myself to recall the cr*p parts (and there were enough) where he treated me with inconsistency and without consideration etc. I still have the idealized man in my mind, and not the coward that he is.

[imperfectangel]

It took me years to really end my a. I am very much in love with my mm. But I wanted us to be together and he didn't, he would've let it go on forever.

 

It is hard but keep going to work, socialising etc and things will get easier.

 

At some point one day you'll realise you haven't thought about him.

 

I went a long time where I was dying to contact him and I just kept saying to myself "I'll do it tomorrow", I repeated this to myself every day and eventually the pangs stopped.

[spideywoman]

That is much what I am doing. Sleeping and getting up for work, just going through the motions appearing ok on the outside (I think!) but a complete mess on the inside.

It is worse because I only seem to remember the nice parts. I have to force myself to recall the cr*p parts (and there were enough) where he treated me with inconsistency and without consideration etc. I still have the idealized man in my mind, and not the coward that he is.

 

Trust me when I say I know exactly what you mean. I feel like a shell of a person. I am present, I function, I work but I am not really all there. It feels like I am walking through thick fog most of the time. Then it dissipates and reality hits _ and i'm like WTF happened? Is this real right now? It has been over two months of this. But yet somehow, I manage to wake up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. Make calls. Go to the gym. See friends. Go over to my mom's for dinner. The great memories come to me less now but they're still very much alive. The bad things? There were a few, mercifully not too many; being on LS regularly, though, is encouraging me to focus more on those and nudge the process along.

[Cyra]

I dont really feel like contacting him, not after the way things ended, but I will admit there is a part of me that wishes he would. Even though I know it would be pointless and I dont actually want him back because this whole thing, even while it lasted was always causing me anxiety and stress, alternated with brief episodes of elation but the balance was very uneven.

I have loved him and I truly (stupidly) believed that he was the one and that we would be together. It is funny how we let ourselves be treated so badly and find a million ways to excuse and endure it.

I am happy for you that you came out on the other side. Hugs!

[Cyra]

Trust me when I say I know exactly what you mean. I feel like a shell of a person. I am present, I function, I work but I am not really all there. It feels like I am walking through thick fog most of the time. Then it dissipates and reality hits _ and i'm like WTF happened? Is this real right now? It has been over two months of this. But yet somehow, I manage to wake up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other. Make calls. Go to the gym. See friends. Go over to my mom's for dinner. The great memories come to me less now but they're still very much alive. The bad things? There were a few, mercifully not too many; being on LS regularly, though, is encouraging me to focus more on those and nudge the process along.

 

Yes exactly! I may be sort of ok and then the most benign thing happens that triggers me. Like I hear a song, or I drive past a place, or someone says something that he would say and I am back in the turmoil of whys and what ifs. Sometimes I play in my mind scenarios of how things 'could have' been if I had done/said something different and sometimes they seem so real that it is really hard to return to reality and face what is.

I find mornings are the worst. Obviously my mind resets when I sleep and often I dream of him and we are still together, and then I have to wake up to the dire reality. Is like reliving the break up over and over again.

[spideywoman]

Yes exactly! I may be sort of ok and then the most benign thing happens that triggers me. Like I hear a song, or I drive past a place, or someone says something that he would say and I am back in the turmoil of whys and what ifs.

 

This exactly!! These are the triggers, the pitfalls. And plus we work with each other and while he has been physically away for the two months now, once in a while there are emails and his name is in my inbox; and all our colleagues who adore him and knew we were "friends" keep asking me where he is since he has not let anyone know why he has been gone for so long. Constant reminders. I persevere.

[Cyra]

This exactly!! These are the triggers, the pitfalls. And plus we work with each other and while he has been physically away for the two months now, once in a while there are emails and his name is in my inbox; and all our colleagues who adore him and knew we were "friends" keep asking me where he is since he has not let anyone know why he has been gone for so long. Constant reminders. I persevere.

 

Working together must be super difficult. I remember when I was still at uni and we would fall out (better said he would withdraw) and it was awful. I was dreading having to see him and I avoided him the best I could, mostly successfully. I cannot imagine what it must be like to see him at work every day. Where has he gone for 2 months??

[spideywoman]

I dont really feel like contacting him, not after the way things ended, but I will admit there is a part of me that wishes he would. Even though I know it would be pointless and I dont actually want him back because this whole thing, even while it lasted was always causing me anxiety and stress, alternated with brief episodes of elation but the balance was very uneven.

I have loved him and I truly (stupidly) believed that he was the one and that we would be together. It is funny how we let ourselves be treated so badly and find a million ways to excuse and endure it.

I am happy for you that you came out on the other side. Hugs!

 

me too. since the day he left and decided to "end" it one-sidedly, I have not wanted to contact him at all. not once. not for one second, i promise. but, like you, i want him to contact me, to reach out to me. justification, vindication, whatever it is. i know he will eventually but sometimes we want what we want RIGHT NOW. and like you, i am not going there again either but i'd still like to get that boost. the other day i got a smoke signal. of course i went back and forth on whether it was really one, was it just a typo, am i reading too much into things? but i have decided my initial gut reaction was the right one. it was a smoke signal, albeit faint. made me feel good. and felt even better for not responding. a day at a time, Cyra, a day at a time.