he left the wife then went back

[Cyra]

What happened - the smoke signal?

Listen to how stupid I am. A withheld number called me, a couple of days ago and then again today. I do not answer private numbers by principle, but of course I am now wondering whether it was him? How ridiculous is that

[spideywoman]

Working together must be super difficult. I remember when I was still at uni and we would fall out (better said he would withdraw) and it was awful. I was dreading having to see him and I avoided him the best I could, mostly successfully. I cannot imagine what it must be like to see him at work every day. Where has he gone for 2 months??

 

here's where i would love the PM function but alas, no privileges yet since i am new long story, he left the country to adopt children. that was two months ago. i knew this, of course. all about it. i recently found out from our boss, no less, that he would be gone for another three months. he's not from where he lives so he needs to be in his own country to get the children's legal status which will take a long time. meantime, he asked for permission to work remotely and he will be granted it since he's a valuable member of the team. blessing in disguise, probably, but i miss him dearly. we have a small office. he was my partner in crime (professionally and personally!) truly bizarre thing is, he hasn't let ANYONE know what's happening, other than our bosses who need to know to give him the time he needs. i mean, noone (except for his immediate subordinate at work) knows he has adopted children now. he is a father now. it's messed up. that's why everyone is asking me where he is, because they knew how close we were. i don't say anything. not my business. but weird. you'd think he would be crazy proud and announcing it.

[spideywoman]

What happened - the smoke signal?

Listen to how stupid I am. A withheld number called me, a couple of days ago and then again today. I do not answer private numbers by principle, but of course I am now wondering whether it was him? How ridiculous is that

 

totes i would think the same thing. so if you're stupid, then so am I smoke signal was in response to a super professional email i had to send him (really, it was NOT an excuse.) the first one i sent only to him alone in two months i think. anyway, he replies, cc's someone else who needed to be on it. while the body of his reply was professional like mine, his sign off was the smoke signal _ he used his initials the way he used to when we would communicate over email. does that make sense? seeing the sign off sent me into a tailspin. i thought, how dare you? but there it is still, in black and white. haven't deleted it yet. like i said, i second guessed and thought: typo. but no. he's WAY too clever for that.

[Cyra]

Haha I was looking for the PM function myself. Thought I was just being blonde!

That is awkward about the children. I dont know details of your story, have you posted it on here? Mine didnt have to adopt, he has 6 of them! Mostly adults. Told them all he was leaving his wife, but he still loved them and would spend as much time with them as he could. Tbh I saw the messages between them and they did not seem to be too devastated, they said he was still their father and they loved him and hoped he would be happy.

So of course his excuses about going back to his wife that he seemed to make about his children stink of a bit of fallacy. I think he went back because he was a materialistic coward and did not want to lose his precious big house and half of his income.

[Cyra]

Hm, I dont think it is a coincidence, I think he was testing the waters by sending you a sign like 'Hello! I am still here and we can continue where we left off' kinda thing.

But again I dont know the background Id love to read the whole story if it is on here let me know.

[Cyra]

Haha. I am sitting here contemplating that phone call like a saddo. When it most certainly was some sales person trying to sell me life insurance or get a loan!

[Hazyhead]

Cyra, I don't mean to sound like I'm dismissing the pain you have been feeling, but I enjoyed reading your thread. Not because I'm a massive sadist, but you seem so collected and intelligent, beyond all the decisions, that I think you'll make it out of this grand.

 

You mentioned you feel you have wasted time. I get that; I entered into an affair in my early thirties and when it all crashed down I felt lost, and the years of being alone ahead scared me. I too had a partner, who I kept as a bit of a security blanket, even though I (and, I'm sure, he too) was unhappy. He was a nice man so it seemed a wise choice. That was wrong of me. When I broke it off with him too, sadness followed for a little while but then... freedom. Freedom from it all and it was amazing.

 

How do you feel about starting afresh here? Don't consider all the finance and practical things (I had to put myself into an incredibly financial nightmare, but it was worth it). Think about your dreams. You have an opportunity to use your pain as fuel for change.

 

Aside from MM, what do you want from life? Put that first now. Honestly, I think he'all come crawling back to you too, but if you make some positive life choices, you'll make better ones concerning him.

[Cyra]

You mentioned you feel you have wasted time. I get that; I entered into an affair in my early thirties and when it all crashed down I felt lost, and the years of being alone ahead scared me. I too had a partner, who I kept as a bit of a security blanket, even though I (and, I'm sure, he too) was unhappy. He was a nice man so it seemed a wise choice. That was wrong of me. When I broke it off with him too, sadness followed for a little while but then... freedom. Freedom from it all and it was amazing.

 

Yes that is not unlike the situation I find myself in. This one is for another thread I suppose, but pretty much we live as best friends and get on well in that respect, but there is not much of a relationship going on. I am not sure whether he is unhappy or whether that is all he needs. He seems happy enough, but on the other hand I guess I do too, on the outside. I have never let any of this show in front of him.

I am in the situation now where I am obviously re-evaluating everything and the truth is that I do not want to live unhappy, or just marginally content. And I am thinking about ending it every day. Right now though (it may seem like a cowards excuse but it is not) I feel that I am not in the right state of mind, I am heartbroken and as down as one can get, I feel terrible about myself and every aspect of my life. But I hear you, the call of freedom, it does strike a cord with me!

[Hazyhead]

Yes that is not unlike the situation I find myself in. This one is for another thread I suppose, but pretty much we live as best friends and get on well in that respect, but there is not much of a relationship going on. I am not sure whether he is unhappy or whether that is all he needs. He seems happy enough, but on the other hand I guess I do too, on the outside. I have never let any of this show in front of him.

I am in the situation now where I am obviously re-evaluating everything and the truth is that I do not want to live unhappy, or just marginally content. And I am thinking about ending it every day. Right now though (it may seem like a cowards excuse but it is not) I feel that I am not in the right state of mind, I am heartbroken and as down as one can get, I feel terrible about myself and every aspect of my life. But I hear you, the call of freedom, it does strike a cord with me!

 

But, whilst you're low anyway it might make more sense to release yourself from this too. Best friends is not enough and people limp on for years like this. I did. Also, xMM sees your relationship, probably, as weak, and knows if he came back, you'd choose him again. Ending the relationship that isn't working sends the message that you're not settling anymore. Take control here. You are strong enough to do this.

 

Best decision I ever made (at that point of my life).

[Cyra]

It is something I am contemplating, it would however mean putting myself into a predicament. But I completely see what you mean. I can see that if I do nothing, 10 years later I will be exactly where I am today. And I can also see that if I wait till I feel fine again, I may not want to do anything about it. Would you care to share with me how you dealt with it ( you said it was a financial nightmare etc.) ?

[Hazyhead]

It is something I am contemplating, it would however mean putting myself into a predicament. But I completely see what you mean. I can see that if I do nothing, 10 years later I will be exactly where I am today. And I can also see that if I wait till I feel fine again, I may not want to do anything about it. Would you care to share with me how you dealt with it ( you said it was a financial nightmare etc.) ?

 

Sure, I had a mortgage with my partner and couldn't afford to live elsewhere (the housing market near us, at that time, was in negative equity and I couldn't afford to sell a house and still have a large mortgage). So, I found one of the few places in the world where you get accommodation as part of your contract, and moved. I worked all hours to get by, but I loved just being on my own. No crap to deal with! Looking back at it now, I wish I had bolted sooner.

 

My story is all spewed out over these forums over the years - it was at so many points, a great solace to me.

[Cyra]

My story is all spewed out over these forums over the years - it was at so many points, a great solace to me.

 

I can understand that. I have found solace in it too, seen many alike stories and gained a whole new perspective. I thought my A was 'special' but now I see it is amongst the most ordinary.

Me and my partner dont have a mortgage nor any shared assets or bank accounts, so from that point of view it is simple.

I will be entirely honest here and react to something you said, when I think about it I do feel an innate fear of not so much being on my own, but of never being in love again and living a secluded lonely life. I have loved and invested myself fully with this man, and I feel it is all doom and gloom, I feel like I will never love or be loved again (even though he clearly hasnt loved me at all) and I also worry that if I move out on my own I will just shut down and live a completely unfulfilling life, such as going to work and spending the free time in my apartment alone. Socializing at the moment feels impossible, I feel disconnected from all the 'normal' people. I feel like a fraud. Most of the time I just want to crawl under a rock and die (not literally as in suicidal thoughts). And I am not sure whether that outcome would be much of an improvement from my current situation.

Edited October 6, 2016 by Cyra

[Hazyhead]

I can understand that. I have found solace in it too, seen many alike stories and gained a whole new perspective. I thought my A was 'special' but now I see it is amongst the most ordinary.

Me and my partner dont have a mortgage nor any shared assets or bank accounts, so from that point of view it is simple.

I will be entirely honest here and react to something you said, when I think about it I do feel an innate fear of not so much being on my own, but of never being in love again. I have loved and invested myself fully with this man, and I feel it is all doom and gloom, I feel like I will never love or be loved again (even though he clearly hasnt loved me at all) and I also worry that if I move out on my own I will just shut down and live a completely unfulfilling life, such as going to work and spending the free time in my apartment alone. Socializing at the moment feels impossible, I feel disconnected from all the 'normal' people. I feel like a fraud. Most of the time I just want to crawl under a rock and die (not literally as in suicidal thoughts). And I am not sure whether that outcome would be much of an improvement from my current situation.

 

I understand that feeling: it's so real and it's so hard. Say you did make that choice and the loneliness was hard following the decision. You'd miss the easy company of someone you knew inside out and was easy to get along with. You'd have night alone where supernoodles would be all you could be bothered to cook because what was the point with only one of you. The difference in that and your current situation would be time. It WOULD get less painful and you would find your own way. You might not meet someone right away but, when you are ready, you have the excitement of it all to come. And even if it took a while, you could throw yourself into your own life improvements, discover new things and have fun. You're still young. Don't be afraid - it's all still out there.

[Cyra]

I understand that feeling: it's so real and it's so hard. Say you did make that choice and the loneliness was hard following the decision. You'd miss the easy company of someone you knew inside out and was easy to get along with. You'd have night alone where supernoodles would be all you could be bothered to cook because what was the point with only one of you. The difference in that and your current situation would be time. It WOULD get less painful and you would find your own way. You might not meet someone right away but, when you are ready, you have the excitement of it all to come. And even if it took a while, you could throw yourself into your own life improvements, discover new things and have fun. You're still young. Don't be afraid - it's all still out there.

 

In all fairness in my current life I am pretty much alone all the time anyway as we hardly ever see each other. But right now I prefer it (as I have during the A), because I can cry in peace and I dont have to make up reasons why I am upset. You say young I am 34 hardly a spring chicken By that I dont mean I have any biological clock ticking I certainly dont long to have children etc, but right now it feels that no one could ever love me. And I know that should not matter because all that really matters is that we love ourselves. But that is lacking too at the moment because I am my own harshest critic and I hate myself every day. In a way I guess I worry that if I was on my own I would just lose it completely because I would have no reason to hold it together (eg. fake it in front of someone). If that makes any sense at all.

[Hazyhead]

In all fairness in my current life I am pretty much alone all the time anyway as we hardly ever see each other. But right now I prefer it (as I have during the A), because I can cry in peace and I dont have to make up reasons why I am upset. You say young I am 34 hardly a spring chicken By that I dont mean I have any biological clock ticking I certainly dont long to have children etc, but right now it feels that no one could ever love me. And I know that should not matter because all that really matters is that we love ourselves. But that is lacking too at the moment because I am my own harshest critic and I hate myself every day. In a way I guess I worry that if I was on my own I would just lose it completely because I would have no reason to hold it together (eg. fake it in front of someone). If that makes any sense at all.

 

I'm so sorry you feel this way. It won't be helping your thought processes of the withheld number either. It sucks, I know. Reading your posts, you come off as very optimistic, despite the inner turmoil. I bet that you would come across the same way in person too and would be nothing short of entirely loveable. I just think that the only person who can bring you your confidence and groove back is yourself and I know it would be tough. Can you take yourself away for a bit? Travel or visit relatives, anywhere where you have real headspace.

[Cyra]

I tend to be optimistic when I am in a fair state of mind, hence why I optimistically believed right until the end that there would be a happy ending for me and the xMM. I also thought of myself as a nice person but that has also gone down the drain in the light of how I acted towards him when he broke up with me. I was mean and vicious, and sure partially it is his fault because he pushed me to that place but i always had a choice to be the better person and I failed. And that is something I have to live with that I lowered myself to act in that way.

My next holiday is in December I am going to see my parents for Xmas. It is hard to do anything just now because the financial situation doesnt allow. I work and pay bills, very little left to play with plus I am now saving for a deposit for an apartment if I am to decide to move on. I am right in the middle of it tbh. Everything around me reminds me of him because I have shared so much of my life with him and I cannot get away from it. I suppose it is one way of dealing with it, facing it head on.

Haha the withheld phone call was just a pest sales person. But the mind wanders

[Hazyhead]

I tend to be optimistic when I am in a fair state of mind, hence why I optimistically believed right until the end that there would be a happy ending for me and the xMM. I also thought of myself as a nice person but that has also gone down the drain in the light of how I acted towards him when he broke up with me. I was mean and vicious, and sure partially it is his fault because he pushed me to that place but i always had a choice to be the better person and I failed. And that is something I have to live with that I lowered myself to act in that way.

My next holiday is in December I am going to see my parents for Xmas. It is hard to do anything just now because the financial situation doesnt allow. I work and pay bills, very little left to play with plus I am now saving for a deposit for an apartment if I am to decide to move on. I am right in the middle of it tbh. Everything around me reminds me of him because I have shared so much of my life with him and I cannot get away from it. I suppose it is one way of dealing with it, facing it head on.

Haha the withheld phone call was just a pest sales person. But the mind wanders

 

You know, what you did, you did as an emotional reaction and words said/things done, always simmer away in time. You pushed it because you wanted it to go one way or the other, once and for all. That said, you might not have completely burned your bridges - time will tell. I thought I had once, because I just couldn't take it anymore, but I hadn't. It was just a moment. Keep doing what you are doing: go to work, save your extra and wait to see how you feel once the dust has truly settled. You WILL feel better in time. Now is not the time to make massive changes anyway.

 

Won't hurt to consider them though.

[ChickiePops]

In all fairness in my current life I am pretty much alone all the time anyway as we hardly ever see each other. But right now I prefer it (as I have during the A), because I can cry in peace and I dont have to make up reasons why I am upset. You say young I am 34 hardly a spring chicken By that I dont mean I have any biological clock ticking I certainly dont long to have children etc, but right now it feels that no one could ever love me. And I know that should not matter because all that really matters is that we love ourselves. But that is lacking too at the moment because I am my own harshest critic and I hate myself every day. In a way I guess I worry that if I was on my own I would just lose it completely because I would have no reason to hold it together (eg. fake it in front of someone). If that makes any sense at all.

 

Sorry for the very minor t/j but 34 is young..it's certainly a helluva lot younger than it used to be, if that makes sense.

 

 

Sincerely,

A fellow 34 year old

[Cyra]

Believe me I am thinking about it all the time. I feel like a fraud and I know I am not happy (which is what led me to the A in the first place). I know I have to change my life but I suppose part of me thinks what if it ends up even worse than it is now?

When did you know you made the right choice? Have you ever regretted it?

[Cyra]

Sorry for the very minor t/j but 34 is young..it's certainly a helluva lot younger than it used to be, if that makes sense.

 

 

Sincerely,

A fellow 34 year old

 

Thank you, that is nice to hear I really feel so mentally drained right now.

[Hazyhead]

Believe me I am thinking about it all the time. I feel like a fraud and I know I am not happy (which is what led me to the A in the first place). I know I have to change my life but I suppose part of me thinks what if it ends up even worse than it is now?

When did you know you made the right choice? Have you ever regretted it?

 

I knew every second after it (after a couple weeks, y'know). I have ended up with my xAP but honestly, it still would have been my best ever decision if I hadn't. It didn't take long to see the world of possibilities waiting for me. Money isn't everything.

 

For what it's worth, I was 34 when I upped and said, 'To hell with it all!'

 

And I had a blast.

 

You can't feel worse than you do right now.

[Cyra]

How did it work out with your xAP? Obviously that option is out of the window for me

[Hazyhead]

How did it work out with your xAP? Obviously that option is out of the window for me

 

I think once I had drawn the line, for real and moved on he saw that he had to treat me properly, at the very least, to stand a chance. Not that I'm saying I was better than him, I just mean that he realised he could not mess around anymore as I was happy without him.

 

It was a fully-fledged, out-in-public relationship or nothing at all.

 

Don't be too surprised if he comes back in a little bit of time. Think about what you want from him then, if anything at all, and settle for no less. In the mean time, live your life as if he isn't a factor.

[spideywoman]

Hm, I dont think it is a coincidence, I think he was testing the waters by sending you a sign like 'Hello! I am still here and we can continue where we left off' kinda thing.

But again I dont know the background Id love to read the whole story if it is on here let me know.

 

Haven't posted the whole thing. just bits and pieces here and there. it's quite a story. then again, they all seem to be on this forum. yes, definitely not a coincidence that smoke signal. it was very well calculated, manipulated. glad i didn't physically respond. emotionally of course i did. are you blonde? talking about the PM thing. have been wanting to get in touch with another great poster here, too. but i can't yet though apparently if you pay some sort of subscription fee you can get access to PM instantly. seems to defeat the purpose of the whole PM block to begin with. so you're blonde, i'm a brunette. does that make us two gals who are tech savvy?!

[spideywoman]

Cyra, I don't mean to sound like I'm dismissing the pain you have been feeling, but I enjoyed reading your thread. Not because I'm a massive sadist, but you seem so collected and intelligent, beyond all the decisions, that I think you'll make it out of this grand.

 

You mentioned you feel you have wasted time. I get that; I entered into an affair in my early thirties and when it all crashed down I felt lost, and the years of being alone ahead scared me. I too had a partner, who I kept as a bit of a security blanket, even though I (and, I'm sure, he too) was unhappy. He was a nice man so it seemed a wise choice. That was wrong of me. When I broke it off with him too, sadness followed for a little while but then... freedom. Freedom from it all and it was amazing.

 

How do you feel about starting afresh here? Don't consider all the finance and practical things (I had to put myself into an incredibly financial nightmare, but it was worth it). Think about your dreams. You have an opportunity to use your pain as fuel for change.

 

Aside from MM, what do you want from life? Put that first now. Honestly, I think he'all come crawling back to you too, but if you make some positive life choices, you'll make better ones concerning him.

 

Right?! I totally agree with you and don't know why I haven't mentioned it before. Cyra strikes me as very level-headed and someone who has her $hit together. No doubt she'll come out of this _ scathed, maybe. Stronger? Definitely. Cyra and a couple of other strong women here have inspired me.