he left the wife then went back

[spideywoman]

Having said that it aint ever gonna happen, only in my dreams, literally. He hates me, deleted me from everywhere and is never going to speak to me again in his life.

 

remember what i wrote about what i think of him hating you. i don't think he does and don't be surprised if he comes out of the woodwork. hopefully by then you'll have left all of this behind.

 

i don't know your guy of course but yes it would take a very calculating, manipulative and sick person to do what he did (party, "fake" phone call, etc.) MM is a lot of things but he's not that. i agree that it in both our cases was a result of ambiguity and not necessarily calculation. they just didn't know for sure consistently. there were days, weeks, months of certainty but not enough for the grand, ultimate leap of faith. oh well. and here we are in a lot of ways your situation was far worse and i am sorry for that. hunting for apartments , etc. and of course him announcing his departure and then changing his mind that same night. jeez. it's like your heart soared to immeasurable heights then hours later it was stomped on. i cannot even begin to imagine the pain. (well, i can, but in a different way.) we had very little future faking. it was just a lovely, mostly peaceful togetherness. the idea was always when we make a decision, we make a decision and let the other know. he was never really able to, except for that last day when he said he did and then we know what happened. ugh. i miss him terribly.

 

you have been a godsend. (and i really like Sunshinechica, too!) i don't know if you used to watch or know Oprah but she said in a show once "friends come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." i am considering you my virtual friend and you appeared at the time i needed someone the most for this very reason.

[spideywoman]

I want to share this one with you because i find it hilariously ridiculous. When he told his family about me, I was branded as a gold digger by them. I was like, seriously? He is a f****g lecturer! After his outgoings he barely has any money left to buy anything. In the time i have known him he has worn the same 2 pairs of shoes, his car is ancient and falling to pieces, he hardly has any kind of luxury lifestyle! I must be the most pathetic gold digger that has ever lived.

To turn it around though. I dont make too much money in my current job as a scientist, but his wife makes twice as much as me. So I am thinking that one of the reasons he went back to her was because I was poor and she was rich and he would have a more comfortable and secure lifestyle with her, than struggling to make ends meet with me. So who is really the gold digger here?

 

that's absurd, what they said. from this forum and some experience with affairs through people i know, people are always very quick to judge and dismiss the OW. they love to be able to categorize because it fits the narrative and helps explain. We are not allowed to actually be just regular, decent people.

 

it's possible he chose money but it doesn't sound like he does much for himself, huh? i'm sure it's a lot of things _ perhaps that, perhaps the financial implications of a divorce, the stygma, reaction from his extended family, children. i know he has 6 kids (!) and since he's 50 i am guessing the oldest is possibly around 20/25 or so? how old is the youngest. my MMs wife is 3/4 years older than we are _ not sure why i felt the need to say that. apparently she has wanted kids her entire life, ever since they met in their 20s, but MM never really did until he jumped on board with the adoption idea.

Edited October 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[HelenaS]

Hi All,

Interesting conversation.

I'm the same age as Cyra and going through the same thing, although I'm a bit ahead as I ended the affair more than half year ago and have been in NC ever since.

I still feel sad many times and still have those unanswered questions, but I don't experience that sharp pain anymore.

Overall I'm so much better.

You will get there too soon, I promise you.

Hugs

[spideywoman]

Hi All,

Interesting conversation.

I'm the same age as Cyra and going through the same thing, although I'm a bit ahead as I ended the affair more than half year ago and have been in NC ever since.

I still feel sad many times and still have those unanswered questions, but I don't experience that sharp pain anymore.

Overall I'm so much better.

You will get there too soon, I promise you.

Hugs

 

thank you, Helena. It is encouraging for me to hear that and I'm sure it'll be for Cyra, too. It has been about two months for me but much more recent for Cyra _ 2 weeks i think. it's still very, very acute. i am looking forward to when it's a chronic, dull pain as opposed to the sharp jabs that i have now.

[Cyra]

remember what i wrote about what i think of him hating you. i don't think he does and don't be surprised if he comes out of the woodwork. hopefully by then you'll have left all of this behind.

 

Yes I remember what you said. I know he now blames me for all that has happened to him, even though it was him, not me, who told his wife he was leaving. I can just see him spinning stories about me, how it is all my fault, how I pursued him and he is just a poor victim in all this. I genuinely don't think he will crawl out of the woodwork, I broke his trust (once, while he broke mine on numerous occasions). Just shows how stupid I was to hang around for so long.

 

Yes I consider you my virtual friend too! It is great to talk to someone who understands and has gone through similar (not that I wish that to anyone). I also feel like I have needed a friend now, I feel so alone in my life and so much to deal with.

[Cyra]

that's absurd, what they said. from this forum and some experience with affairs through people i know, people are always very quick to judge and dismiss the OW. they love to be able to categorize because it fits the narrative and helps explain. We are not allowed to actually be just regular, decent people.

 

it's possible he chose money but it doesn't sound like he does much for himself, huh? i'm sure it's a lot of things _ perhaps that, perhaps the financial implications of a divorce, the stygma, reaction from his extended family, children. i know he has 6 kids (!) and since he's 50 i am guessing the oldest is possibly around 20/25 or so? how old is the youngest. my MMs wife is 3/4 years older than we are _ not sure why i felt the need to say that. apparently she has wanted kids her entire life, ever since they met in their 20s, but MM never really did until he jumped on board with the adoption idea.

 

Oh I am sure I have been called many names. Apart from the gold digger one, they also asked whether I had a British passport (I am a European living in UK), implying that i wanted him for citizenship?? And also asked whether I was pregnant!

 

Yes I think it is all of those reasons but I find them all just excuses. If he really loved me then none of those reasons would matter. His youngest is 12, then 14 and the rest of them are adult, all still living at home apart from one. I saw the messages from them to him and to be honest they did not seem too traumatized, most likely they have already known that things werent right between him and his wife. They told him they still loved him and wished that he was happy with me. The youngest ones might have been affected more, I do not really know. He certainly made the excuse for going back to his wife as he is doing it for the kids. In my opinion, I think if he explained to the kids properly they would understand. But what do I know about it, I dont have any children (nor want to).

 

So how about you, do you live on your own at the moment?

Edited October 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Cyra]

Hi All,

Interesting conversation.

I'm the same age as Cyra and going through the same thing, although I'm a bit ahead as I ended the affair more than half year ago and have been in NC ever since.

I still feel sad many times and still have those unanswered questions, but I don't experience that sharp pain anymore.

Overall I'm so much better.

You will get there too soon, I promise you.

Hugs

 

Thank you, it is nice to hear your positive message Yes it was 2 weeks yesterday. It is so hard, some days are kinda ok (by ok I mean I feel numb and not crying) others I am just devastated and wish he would contact me. I have no intention nor temptation of contacting him as he very harshly told me not to. Has he ever tried to contact you?

[spideywoman]

Oh I am sure I have been called many names. Apart from the gold digger one, they also asked whether I had a British passport (I am a European living in UK), implying that i wanted him for citizenship?? And also asked whether I was pregnant!

 

Yes I think it is all of those reasons but I find them all just excuses. If he really loved me then none of those reasons would matter. His youngest is 12, then 14 and the rest of them are adult, all still living at home apart from one. I saw the messages from them to him and to be honest they did not seem too traumatized, most likely they have already known that things werent right between him and his wife. They told him they still loved him and wished that he was happy with me. The youngest ones might have been affected more, I do not really know. He certainly made the excuse for going back to his wife as he is doing it for the kids. In my opinion, I think if he explained to the kids properly they would understand. But what do I know about it, I dont have any children (nor want to).

 

So how about you, do you live on your own at the moment?

 

ah yes, the old citizenship trick that all OWs play on unsuspecting men and you're right. none of the excuses matter and he would have been able to overcome anything if he really wanted to be with you. i repeat this mantra to myself every day several times a day. i don't have kids, either, so i have no idea how having that conversation would be. perhaps at that age they could comprehend but from i read here they are very much affected, children of broken families.

 

i never wanted children, either, ever. until i met MM. he is the only person that made me think, i would like to procreate with this person. never had the feeling of wanting kids with my husband or anyone else.

 

i am living alone at the moment. my stbxh moved out over the summer, it has been a few months now. he lives just down the street so we see each other often and oddly support each other through our separation / divorce. we have always been friends and i hope it remains that way. he is very special to me. we also share a dog so having him close really helps with the back and forth

[HelenaS]

thank you, Helena. It is encouraging for me to hear that and I'm sure it'll be for Cyra, too. It has been about two months for me but much more recent for Cyra _ 2 weeks i think. it's still very, very acute. i am looking forward to when it's a chronic, dull pain as opposed to the sharp jabs that i have now.

 

It will be. Soon.

I won't lie - most probably you still have a few months ahead of you, but if you keep strict NC (including all social media), it will be so much better.

A few months ago I felt exactly the same that you are feeling now and could not see any light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm much better now.

[spideywoman]

OMG Cyra our prayers have been answered, PMing has been activated, trying to send you one now

[HelenaS]

Thank you, it is nice to hear your positive message Yes it was 2 weeks yesterday. It is so hard, some days are kinda ok (by ok I mean I feel numb and not crying) others I am just devastated and wish he would contact me. I have no intention nor temptation of contacting him as he very harshly told me not to. Has he ever tried to contact you?

 

Oh, I know very well what you are feeling. I still remember those days..

I'm not saying I'm completely over him, because that's not the case.

I still think about him every day.

But usually he is not my first thought in the morning anymore. Sometimes just a few passing thoughts during the day, other times longer thoughts with all those 'whys'.

But not a sharp pain anymore.

No, he hasn't tried. I've blocked him everywhere, but had told him in advance that this was what I was going to do to avoid any temptation.

[Cyra]

i never wanted children, either, ever. until i met MM. he is the only person that made me think, i would like to procreate with this person. never had the feeling of wanting kids with my husband or anyone else.

 

i am living alone at the moment. my stbxh moved out over the summer, it has been a few months now. he lives just down the street so we see each other often and oddly support each other through our separation / divorce. we have always been friends and i hope it remains that way. he is very special to me. we also share a dog so having him close really helps with the back and forth

 

That is good that you had an amicable separation. I feel the same about my current partner, he is like a best friend to me and when we split up once before he also remained my friend. I know it will come to it soon and I hope it can be as amicable as yours. Does your stbxh know about the MM?

 

I am the same with children, I have not felt it yet, my partner has never wanted them either. I am not saying I never would but cannot really see it just now. I suppose with the right person.. but obviously cannot really see that either

 

So, if you dont mind me asking, how come your guy waited for so long to have kids? If they were together for almost 20 years and now I assume things are not at their best, why start now? It almost sounds like one of those situations where couples have issues and decide to have kids, hoping that will reconnect them? Usually ends up in a mess as we know.

[Cyra]

Oh, I know very well what you are feeling. I still remember those days..

I'm not saying I'm completely over him, because that's not the case.

I still think about him every day.

But usually he is not my first thought in the morning anymore. Sometimes just a few passing thoughts during the day, other times longer thoughts with all those 'whys'.

But not a sharp pain anymore.

No, he hasn't tried. I've blocked him everywhere, but had told him in advance that this was what I was going to do to avoid any temptation.

 

I hear you. My first thought in the morning is of him, so is the last one and every one in between and he is also in my dreams! I also obsessively replay past and fictional scenarios in my mind, hoping to change reality with a different outcome. It is torturous. I wish I could have a lobotomy to permanently erase him from my mind.

He has done the same as you, to me, blocked and deleted me from everywhere. I dread the day when we accidentally run into each other (we live in the same city). It has never happened before but you know the irony of life, when you really really dont want to run into someone, that is when it happens!

[HelenaS]

I hear you. My first thought in the morning is of him, so is the last one and every one in between and he is also in my dreams! I also obsessively replay past and fictional scenarios in my mind, hoping to change reality with a different outcome. It is torturous. I wish I could have a lobotomy to permanently erase him from my mind.

He has done the same as you, to me, blocked and deleted me from everywhere. I dread the day when we accidentally run into each other (we live in the same city). It has never happened before but you know the irony of life, when you really really dont want to run into someone, that is when it happens!

 

We live in the same city too, but that city is sooo big

I will send you a PM once I am able to do it because our stories have so many similarities!

But I'm too paranoid to post details here

[Cyra]

We live in the same city too, but that city is sooo big

I will send you a PM once I am able to do it because our stories have so many similarities!

But I'm too paranoid to post details here

 

Great thank you, I cannot wait to hear it! Apparently it takes time and certain number of posts to activate PM? Mine is not active yet

[spideywoman]

That is good that you had an amicable separation. I feel the same about my current partner, he is like a best friend to me and when we split up once before he also remained my friend. I know it will come to it soon and I hope it can be as amicable as yours. Does your stbxh know about the MM?

 

I am the same with children, I have not felt it yet, my partner has never wanted them either. I am not saying I never would but cannot really see it just now. I suppose with the right person.. but obviously cannot really see that either

 

So, if you dont mind me asking, how come your guy waited for so long to have kids? If they were together for almost 20 years and now I assume things are not at their best, why start now? It almost sounds like one of those situations where couples have issues and decide to have kids, hoping that will reconnect them? Usually ends up in a mess as we know.

 

OK so i am a complete idiot and i can't send a PM. i have an inbox now but don't see a button to compose one so see if i can write

 

where are you at with your partner? has he suspected anything, does he know? i remember reading you had been together for 10 years, am i remembering correctly? are you staying because you don't want to be alone or is there something there that can keep growing?

 

my stbxh doesn't know and i do not plan on telling him. there's no point at this stage. (though as i write this he hasn't responded to a text i sent him so it's kinda freaking me out. i always wonder if somehow he found out. ) i couldn't bare the thought of him knowing it would just crush him.

 

i don't mind you asking at all. from past conversations and an overall sense i get, his wife, who's older than he is by several years, apparently wanted children since they first got together. he didn't. she has been the driving force in having them, by far. the first day i met her, which was the first day he started work here, she and i went out to buy snacks and literally the first question she asked me is whether i had kids and whether i wanted them! i was like, uuummm. anywho. they got married when he was 30 after being together 8 years. i remember him saying that he just didn't feel ready for kids. at some point i think in his mid-30s they started trying. he never mentioned anything to me but i suspect they went through some failed pregnancies. not sure if they tried IVF. then they decided to adopt, i think about two years ago or so. i met him just over a year ago. he mentioned that it took him a long time to get on board with the idea of having children.

 

as for why now? i believe, and i really don't think i am being delusional here, is that he could have gone either way _ kids or not. with the adoption, i think he went through with it because he started the process and felt it was something he "owed" his wife who was desperate to have them. he just couldn't not do it, in his mind. in his mind, he was being honorable and doing the right thing. i am not saying he didn't want them, i just don't believe he really, really, really did. it was for her, of that i am certain. it's stupid but it doesn't matter. i repeat to myself he is exactly where he wants to be whcih is with his wife and children. that's all that matters. there's a sense, as you said, that there's a hope the children will improve their marriage which i don't think is miserable but doesn't strike me as a good one, either. we'll see, time will tell. if that's the case of course it's a disaster since that never ends well. part of me thinks he was reckless by going through with it. i really did turn his world upside down and made him question a lot of things. he owed it to himself and to his wife and to his children to take time to think about it. my therapist said she had counseled many people who split after having children. that the child's arrival, preparation, the anticipation becomes the one focus, the one join goal that keeps the couple together and then when it arrives, they soon find out that there's not much in common and fall into a vacuum. so them trying for at least five years i guess _ those five years, half their actual marriage, was spent on having a child. now they're here. it's so weird to think of him as a father now. so abrupt. overnight, literally.

[Cyra]

where are you at with your partner? has he suspected anything, does he know? i remember reading you had been together for 10 years, am i remembering correctly? are you staying because you don't want to be alone or is there something there that can keep growing?

 

my stbxh doesn't know and i do not plan on telling him. there's no point at this stage. (though as i write this he hasn't responded to a text i sent him so it's kinda freaking me out. i always wonder if somehow he found out. ) i couldn't bare the thought of him knowing it would just crush him.

 

My partner doesnt suspect or know anything. I got grief from a few people on here that I should tell him but I dont see the point? I am planning to end it anyway, what is the point of causing him extra pain by disclosing that? At the moment I am staying because Im not really capable of even contemplating the logistics of sorting stuff out. I dont think there is much hope. I love him dearly as best friend but I am not in love with him anymore (clearly as otherwise I wouldnt have had the A). We got together young and since then I have grown to want different things than he does, he essentially is the same as 10 years ago. He is happy if he has a job and roof over his head and enough money to pay bills. He doesnt have any ambitions for the future, any dreams, does not strive for a better life.

 

I totally get your fear, I live with fear every day that someone will tell him (my ex or his wife etc.) and that would be devastating for him. But I suppose there is nothing I can do about it, just hope it doesnt happen.

[Adoraxx]

Sorry to hear that its a horrible situation to be in. How did you get through it? Hugs

 

Not... One day at the time and now I'm going to move far, far away from him!!!

[Cyra]

Not... One day at the time and now I'm going to move far, far away from him!!!

 

That is something I have been considering also. Was looking at jobs abroad etc. I think it would be helpful to change the scenery, to live somewhere new where not every place reminds me of him! Well done, best of luck!

[DKT3]

The logic is so flawed. Actually either of you have little to no true intentions/interest in protecting the husbands. Your protecting yourself, from his changes opinion, from the fallout of people knowing that you are actually "the bad guy". Interest and in protecting your husband would have meant giving him a say in the direction of the marriage or what kind of woman he was spending his life with. You hide who you really are, now your hiding the true reason behind the dissolution of the marriage.

 

Claiming your not in love with your husband is a cop-out, big time, it only makes you feel less crappy. The truth is it doesn't matter does it? You don't have romantic feelings for you siblings so by that logic is ok to bang your sisters husband.

 

This knowledge in s helpful, more helpful then harmful, but it will be both. Hurtful because he can see he really had no idea who he has been sharing his home a life with, hurtful because his life with you would have been a lie, hurtful because this will cause him to doubt your entire relationship, this includes any children that is a product of the marriage... helpful in many of the same ways...knowing you were unfaithful, not loyal and not the woman he thought will make it easier to move on to the next stage, it will free him from ponderwhat he did wrong and how he could have done it differently or better. The truth is the mistake was made on his wedding day with i do. Cheating is never a isolated incident, it's always a result of a lifetime of bad and/or selfish behavior.

 

Set them free, take the off the mask and reveal your true self, so he can move on to better things in life are the less doubt about himself.

[Adoraxx]

That is something I have been considering also. Was looking at jobs abroad etc. I think it would be helpful to change the scenery, to live somewhere new where not every place reminds me of him! Well done, best of luck!

 

Ohh I really hope that you can find a job abroad, Cyra!! It's so painful when there are triggers EVERYWHERE (my xMM is my neighbor ughh....) and there is always a chance of running into him. I just read through your posts and I saw that you live in the same city too so I can imagine that it makes you feel anxious!!

 

Hugs!

[Cyra]

The logic is so flawed. Actually either of you have little to no true intentions/interest in protecting the husbands. Your protecting yourself, from his changes opinion, from the fallout of people knowing that you are actually "the bad guy". Interest and in protecting your husband would have meant giving him a say in the direction of the marriage or what kind of woman he was spending his life with. You hide who you really are, now your hiding the true reason behind the dissolution of the marriage.

 

Claiming your not in love with your husband is a cop-out, big time, it only makes you feel less crappy. The truth is it doesn't matter does it?

 

I respect your opinion and that you have strong views on the matter, but live and let live not everyone thinks the same and it does not mean that we are cr*ap people. My only intention is to protect my partner from being hurt. I could not care less what people think about me, I did what I did because I believed it meant something and I was wrong. If I was planning to continue life with this man then sure, telling would make sense as you cannot build something on a lie, but I am not. And why would I tell him something that will make him miserable, feel like he is not good enough, feel like he failed etc, when NONE of those things are true. What I did was my decision only so why should he doubt himself and his future relationships because of it?

 

Claiming I am not in love with my partner is not a cop-out or a prop to make myself feel better. It is the truth, pure and simple with no hidden meaning or connotations.

[Cyra]

Ohh I really hope that you can find a job abroad, Cyra!! It's so painful when there are triggers EVERYWHERE (my xMM is my neighbor ughh....) and there is always a chance of running into him. I just read through your posts and I saw that you live in the same city too so I can imagine that it makes you feel anxious!!

 

Hugs!

 

It does, because I have never accidentally met him but now that I dont want to I can just foresee it happening! It would be horrible. I know he would ignore me and so would I, but I would die on the inside.

Everywhere I go I have been with him. My work, uni, local bars, favorite restaurants, the city... triggers everywhere every day. I think a reset would be good.

[DKT3]

I respect your opinion and that you have strong views on the matter, but live and let live not everyone thinks the same and it does not mean that we are cr*ap people. My only intention is to protect my partner from being hurt. I could not care less what people think about me, I did what I did because I believed it meant something and I was wrong. If I was planning to continue life with this man then sure, telling would make sense as you cannot build something on a lie, but I am not. And why would I tell him something that will make him miserable, feel like he is not good enough, feel like he failed etc, when NONE of those things are true. What I did was my decision only so why should he doubt himself and his future relationships because of it?

 

Claiming I am not in love with my partner is not a cop-out or a prop to make myself feel better. It is the truth, pure and simple with no hidden meaning or connotations.

 

No its a cop-out because you say you love but are not in love. Truth is hurting someone you love is hurting someone you love.

 

It's very foolish and self-service to think he won't doubt himself. He will, the difference is your way he won't know the truth and will spend a large portion of his remaining life wondering.

 

Now here is the thing, you will tell him at some point, why? Because right now all your focus is on you and your self imposed pain. At some point you will have to deal with the end of your marriage, at some point the guilt will really hit, you will yourself begin to doubt what role your affair played, and what maybe your marriage could have become.

 

You will never lead an authentic life, you can't run from yourself and you are the problem.

[Cyra]

1. i am not married, not that it makes a difference

2. i am not going to tell him about the A but I am going to end our relationship on the basis that neither of us is in love with the other anymore and it is not working. The A is over and done with and no point hurting more people over it than have been hurt already.

That is my opinion, I respect that you do not share it, but I agree to disagree.