Does a man love his wife while he cheats?

November 21, 2016

Yes, a man/woman loves the wife/husband he/she is betraying while in an affair; it's the kind of love reserved for dogs, kittens, third cousins and old friends.

November 21, 2016

I am sorry you feel that way, but i understand...

November 21, 2016

Come to find out, my wife was a drug addict, hidden drug addict, for 20 years of our 26 year marriage.

Wait, you mean, for 20 years of your marriage you didn't know your wife is a drug addict? If yes, this is crazy.

You really cannot imagine how much crazy stuff went on.

I try to imagine, I've seen a lot.

Anyway, about 5 or 6 years ago, she got so bad that we were not having sex at all. This is a deal breaker for me, but she was just too sick for me to divorce and my kids were still in high school.

This really upsets me, I'm not judging you, but if every man think the same way as you then I'll rather stay single my whole life.

she is really doing a great job in all areas.

Does she do it for you or for herself?

I don't say that it was right, but if a woman gets to the place that she is not having sex with her husband, she should expect for him to get it else where.

This is just an excuse to me But I'm not a guy so I will never understand.

I did not love any of the other women that I was with, and I have never loved another woman besides her. And, no matter what she or I have done in our marriage, I still love her.

So sex was the only reason. Can I ask, how did you treat those women? Did they have feelings for you? Have you been in touch with them on a daily basis? Did they know it's sex only, no feelings?

November 21, 2016

Wait, you mean, for 20 years of your marriage you didn't know your wife is a drug addict? If yes, this is crazy.

She was/is a pain management patient and she started to mix a cocktail of drugs to get high and check out. She also had some mental and emotional issues that she was being treated for. It was not constant early on she would check out for 1-3 days and then she would be fairly normal. I could not figure out what was wrong with her, and I was young and fairly stupid, and had no experience with this type of addictions. When someone is actively hiding something like this it can be hard to figure out what is going on.

I try to imagine, I've seen a lot.

Well then imagine taking you wife to as many doctors as you can find and none of them telling you what is happening or figuring it out. Imagine having to disable all the cars at night so she won't get wasted and try to drive. Imagine working a high end high paying job and having to take off all the time to help the kids or take care of your wife because she fell, because as it turns out she was wasted. Imaging some stuff a 100 times worse than that and you may get close.

Originally Posted by BluesPower
Anyway, about 5 or 6 years ago, she got so bad that we were not having sex at all. This is a deal breaker for me, but she was just too sick for me to divorce and my kids were still in high school.[/Quote]

This really upsets me, I'm not judging you, but if every man think the same way as you then I'll rather stay single my whole life. [/Quote]

You know most men feel this way, but I guess they are too honorable to act on it. I am not sure what I could have done. She was not able to take care of herself. Even with my support she would have ended up homeless in the end. I could not let that happen for any reason.

Originally Posted by BluesPower
she is really doing a great job in all areas.[/Quote]

Does she do it for you or for herself?

At this point I am not really sure it matters. I think for both, but if it is just for her it benefits me and she seems really happy. In the end I really just want her to be happy with or without me.

Originally Posted by BluesPower
I don't say that it was right, but if a woman gets to the place that she is not having sex with her husband, she should expect for him to get it else where.[/Quote]

This is just an excuse to me But I'm not a guy so I will never understand.

Well some guys can live without sex, how I don't know, but I know I cannot and will not. Sorry if that upsets some people.

So sex was the only reason. Can I ask, how did you treat those women? Did they have feelings for you? Have you been in touch with them on a daily basis? Did they know it's sex only, no feelings?

Yes primarily sex, and companionship, I had a good thing going with all of them. I always treat women nicely, cheating or not, and they seemed to have a great time no matter what we were doing. I told all of them from the start that this was not about love and that I would not fall in love. Frankly some of them got hurt when I came time to break up. And I let some of the relationships go on too long when I knew they where falling for me. That was a *****y thing to do and it was very selfish. I own that and I know it was wrong. I liked all of them but I was not in love with any of them.

I realize that I have been a horrible person in my life, I mean, that is obvious. I have since reformed, and once my wife sobered up and wanted a chance at saving the marriage, I let all of them go. And, yes some were really upset, but I never lied to them.

And frankly, if I get divorced, I will have between 2 and 3 girl friends that I will not fall in love with, and they will probably fall in love with me. The difference is that I can keep the relationship going for as long as we both want it so there should be less hurt feelings in the long run.

Does any of that help to understand this lowly man?

November 21, 2016

After H told me of his affair, he told me he always loved me, I blew at him and said, no, please, never use that one, I would rather you hated me during the A, not love. he said that despite my needing to hear that he didn't love me at that time and despite it would help me make better sense of things he couldn't and wouldn't lie anymore. he said he loved me so much, that he hated himself and felt so bad about himself, like he didn't deserve happiness, that he deserved the very toxic A relationship and that he wanted me to realise how bad he was and find someone who deserved me and I deserved.

What you must realise is that he had combat stress and PYSD, he had come back from his 3rd Iraq tour where he had lost men in the team he was in charge of, he had walk around with their blood and other on his uniform for 10 days. That and my cancer and illness all added to make H blame himself and to think he didn't deserve to live a happy life. Theses aren't excuses, but reasons and symptoms of a broken person.

Do I think he loved me? yes, absolutely, do I think he loved himself? No, absolutely. I asked him why? he said no matter how much I showed him love, care, affection it made it worse, it made him feel he didn't deserve his life and my love and so he had a very toxic affair. I know they didn't have sex as he couldn't, but I also know some of the darkest moments and TBH, the person my H was during that time just had nothing in common with the man I knew and loved.

Not all affairs are about the marriage, the BS or even the AP, they are all and always about the WS, they hold the balance of power and anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves. I am always surprised that more AP's don't tell the WS to leave the marriage then come find them. Knowingly sharing the person I love with another is just not in my experience or what I would accept for myself. There are reasons the wS is keen to stop the BS finding out, mainly because they know most of us just wouldn't allow ourselves to be in a relationship where there is another, try asking a WS if they would feel OK with their BS being in such a relationship? it is always very telling.

If any man thought to keep me alongside his wife, I would think he doesn't respect me and would be out of there PDQ.

November 21, 2016

I think it's best to define personal boundaries for one's own life and relationships and leave others business to others. Big world, billions of people, all different. Short life. Good luck!

I think this struck a cord in me. I have been dealing with my issues for many years already and I can't seem to get a good footing in MY OWN relationships. I haven't been in a formal relationship, but I always come here, in the infidelity and cheating forum. I have been asking myself why for the past year, but I believe this post gave me the answer:

I am validating my decision to stay away from relationship with my belief that majority of people will always stray and fall out of love eventually regardless if you are doing your best or not. It's like, as long as I see new posts of people being cheated on, worrying about their BF/GF straying, falling out of love and all that drama, it gives me solid proof time and time again that my decision is right all along.

But then again, regardless of the pattern, the similarities in the drama, we are indeed different people. Billions of different, unique personalities. And the only person I am doing disservice by not giving any person a chance to prove themselves to me, is also me.

November 21, 2016

After H told me of his affair, he told me he always loved me, I blew at him and said, no, please, never use that one, I would rather you hated me during the A, not love. he said that despite my needing to hear that he didn't love me at that time and despite it would help me make better sense of things he couldn't and wouldn't lie anymore. he said he loved me so much, that he hated himself and felt so bad about himself, like he didn't deserve happiness, that he deserved the very toxic A relationship and that he wanted me to realise how bad he was and find someone who deserved me and I deserved.

What you must realise is that he had combat stress and PYSD, he had come back from his 3rd Iraq tour where he had lost men in the team he was in charge of, he had walk around with their blood and other on his uniform for 10 days. That and my cancer and illness all added to make H blame himself and to think he didn't deserve to live a happy life. Theses aren't excuses, but reasons and symptoms of a broken person.

Do I think he loved me? yes, absolutely, do I think he loved himself? No, absolutely. I asked him why? he said no matter how much I showed him love, care, affection it made it worse, it made him feel he didn't deserve his life and my love and so he had a very toxic affair. I know they didn't have sex as he couldn't, but I also know some of the darkest moments and TBH, the person my H was during that time just had nothing in common with the man I knew and loved.

Not all affairs are about the marriage, the BS or even the AP, they are all and always about the WS, they hold the balance of power and anyone who thinks otherwise is kidding themselves. I am always surprised that more AP's don't tell the WS to leave the marriage then come find them. Knowingly sharing the person I love with another is just not in my experience or what I would accept for myself. There are reasons the wS is keen to stop the BS finding out, mainly because they know most of us just wouldn't allow ourselves to be in a relationship where there is another, try asking a WS if they would feel OK with their BS being in such a relationship? it is always very telling.

If any man thought to keep me alongside his wife, I would think he doesn't respect me and would be out of there PDQ.

PTSD can make a person act in ways you never thought they would, and it can be a horrible thing.

Your biggest enemy becomes yourself.

November 22, 2016

Personally, I don't believe that cheaters love their partners. I can imagine how some people claim to love whilst having an affair but I don't believe that they are being genuine when they say that. My husband knows that cheating is a deal breaker for me and I know it is for him as well.

November 22, 2016

Most of us have, at some point said how either having an affair would be the end, or that we could never believe our partners would have an affair and that we would know, that we would talk first. Then it happens to us and all that went before becomes just that, all that went before. Afterwards, now that is another world, another conversation and another, WTF moment. No matter how much it would have helped me to make sense of it, no matter how much it would have made more sense to accept and affair if I was told I wasn't thought about or not loved, my H just couldn't and wouldn't say it as it wasn't his experience.

Everything I ever thought I knew about an affair, especially from the view of a BS went out of the window and everything I had ever said was just a conversation or conversations I had, had, before. Now, I have lived that experience I never say never.

November 23, 2016

My MM must have loved his wife during our affair b/c he stayed. He claimed to be absolutely miserable and we enjoyed each other immensely; we were friends, not just lovers. She made his life miserable, I know her. But, he said he took vows and would stay married irregardless how he felt. He had been divorced twice and refused to go through another. As unhappy as he is/was, he must have loved her to stay considering what we had. He couldn't even laugh and have fun without her accusing him of being foolish or drunk (he did not drink at all).

November 23, 2016

I loved my husband when I cheated on him.

You can all disagree, call it puppy love or whatever - but I did, and still do love him (we have reconciled).

What I never did was pretend that the OM (yes a MM) loved me, I am quite certain that he did, and most Like still does love his wife. I looked at the situation realistically and never went down that fairytale path.

Selfishness and love aren't mutually exclusive, nor are situations, emotions and relationships stagnant.

November 23, 2016

People do stupid things which hurt each other even when they love them. I know that. I've been there; done that. I still think about mistakes I've made and a particular mistake I made which hurt a previous bf.

The best thing to do is to look at where you went wrong and analyse yourself so you will never do it again. It's important to feel guilty and feel your partner's hurt so you can make yourself a better person. Then you avoid situations which are triggers and deal with emotions better.

For me, I realised I had a weakness for wanting emotional validation when I felt I wasn't getting enough affection/quality time with a partner. I was emotionally avoidant so this came out in other ways rather than leading me to discuss how I felt with my partner at the time. Sometimes you can feel lonelier with a partner than you have done on your own because of circumstances in your relationship or maybe you sense them pulling away and you feel they are avoiding you - leading you to freak out. Personally if I'm in a vulnerable state again, I'll avoid certain social situations and I'll avoid drinking any alcohol. Anyway I'm now way more of an advocate of being up front about your feelings/problems in the relationship with your partner because the more you bury it, the more trouble it causes down the line.

Hm I do think though that if cheating becomes a pattern of behaviour then that's something that needs some therapy to correct. I'm not perfect but if I wronged a partner and witnessed how upset they were, it would just be so callous to hurt them again.

Also some people have very odd relationships.I know people in open relationships. I also know people who feel that the spark has died. One or both of them is aware that affairs go on behind the scenes but chooses to turn a blind eye for the sake of maintaining their lifestyle/family life.

November 23, 2016

If a WS has a relatively short term A, feels remorse, etc - especially if they end the A and disclose, rather than being caught - it's possible to construct a love-for-the-BS narrative despite the A.

But when a MM has had a LTA for a decade or more, through at least two dozen DDays, speaks badly of the BW and treats her with general disrespect (but won't D for financial reasons) I think it's safe to say he doesn't love her in the sense of any love worth having.

November 23, 2016

As I spend more time here in LS, the more I am learning that infidelity and cheating is really common nowadays. I don't mean it won't be a deal-breaker for me, it is still is. But I guess what I am saying is that, I really must always be open to the fact that this CAN happen to me.

I guess, the moral of the story that I have deduced here in LS is that people must trust, nurture and cherish their SO, but never ever be fully dependent on them, believe that they are not capable of betrayal, or hurting you. Expectations in this level is what hurts the most.

I am definitely sad to accept this fact as my view of a partner is like a "home," someone who will always be there no matter what, who will live and cherish me, and me alone. (Disney crap) but let's all wake up to the reality that a SO is not your "other-half" they are a separate individual who will be your partner in life. Partner and not a part of you. A partner who have his/her own decision, and capabilities that you cannot just control.

November 23, 2016

If a WS has a relatively short term A, feels remorse, etc - especially if they end the A and disclose, rather than being caught - it's possible to construct a love-for-the-BS narrative despite the A.

But when a MM has had a LTA for a decade or more, through at least two dozen DDays, speaks badly of the BW and treats her with general disrespect (but won't D for financial reasons) I think it's safe to say he doesn't love her in the sense of any love worth having.

In this situation, I don't think he ( or she, if it's a ww) loves their spouse or their AP either. they love themselves.

The ws may very possibly have another ow or om. After all, if someone can keep an A going on, and lying to two people for so long, they must have a certain level of comfort with being deceptive, and should there be some need they want to have met, they obviously have no trouble finding someone to fill it.

February 14, 2017

I always thought that partners who cheat love themselves the most (or only).

February 14, 2017

I always thought that partners who cheat love themselves the most (or only).

I have known some self loathing depressed people who have cheated. They didn't love themselves, and therefore couldn't fully love anyone.

People are complex, as are our motivations. Some are thrill seekers, some are emotionally damaged, some are selfish, so on and so forth.

"Cheaters" do not fit nicely into little boxes as much as we struggle to simplify life - generalizations do not often ring true.

February 15, 2017

I like this analogy.

If a man comes to your house and you dont feed him.. he will find food somewhere else.

Saying that, a man can love a woman...and if he is not getting sex at home... he may get it somewhere else.

I dont think love is always required in the equation.

February 15, 2017

Omg I do believe I am having problems here!! I think though people are complicated! I cheated, He cheated, he might be cheating now.... As sad as it is that is his choice... I chose not to make that mistake again....

Everyone has a choice..... I

February 15, 2017

He may love her to his low capacity, but his capacity for love isn't great if he wants to hurt the one he loves. If you truly care about someone, the last thing you want to do is hurt them. Instead, you protect them from hurt.

He loves his penis more and his capacity to love beyond that isn't good enough for most women I know, who want a deep caring love.

February 15, 2017

Most of the male cheaters I know (as another man, I commonly hear about it) do love their wives. They simply want more/different sex. Most of the men I know aren't at all "in love" with their AP's, they are simply a way to have an orgasm, akin to a human masturbatory device. I know this isn't "all men", but, in my circles, I know a lot of men who cheat, and none of them would say they are in love with the AP. They might be in love with the sex (in fact, I think most of them are), but they don't want to leave their wives/children for the AP, they want to have both. Classic cake-eating.

February 15, 2017

Most of the male cheaters I know (as another man, I commonly hear about it) do love their wives. They simply want more/different sex. Most of the men I know aren't at all "in love" with their AP's, they are simply a way to have an orgasm, akin to a human masturbatory device. I know this isn't "all men", but, in my circles, I know a lot of men who cheat, and none of them would say they are in love with the AP. They might be in love with the sex (in fact, I think most of them are), but they don't want to leave their wives/children for the AP, they want to have both. Classic cake-eating.

They're just in love with sex. If you truly care about someone, you do not ever want to do anything intentionally to cause them that kind of pain. But some guys can't conceive of that kind of pain because they don't all care that deeply and it's all about sex for I'm saying the majority of them. I think most men will say they love their wives but then if they get old, get fat, stop wanting to have sex, suddenly they are no longer in love with them.

February 16, 2017

They're just in love with sex. If you truly care about someone, you do not ever want to do anything intentionally to cause them that kind of pain. But some guys can't conceive of that kind of pain because they don't all care that deeply and it's all about sex for I'm saying the majority of them. I think most men will say they love their wives but then if they get old, get fat, stop wanting to have sex, suddenly they are no longer in love with them.

Being a female... you have not one clue what its like carrying 12x more testosterone than the female counterpart as I have no idea what its like carrying loads of estrogen.

If your man is not getting sex at home... eventually he will get it somewhere else.

February 16, 2017

Being a female... you have not one clue what its like carrying 12x more testosterone than the female counterpart as I have no idea what its like carrying loads of estrogen.

If your man is not getting sex at home... eventually he will get it somewhere else.

Who said anything about him not getting sex at home to begin with? Everyone I know with a cheating man was having lots of sex and some of them wanted it more than he did. It's about total selfishness. There's no reason to cheat when you can just leave the relationship instead of lie and deceive the woman and bring diseases home.

The only reason men don't want to tell the woman they're cheating is because they want the woman to not be sleeping with anyone but them. That's the only reason. They want it but they don't want the woman to be free to do whatever she wants. It's BS and there's no love involved there.

February 19, 2017

I like this analogy.

If a man comes to your house and you dont feed him.. he will find food somewhere else.

Saying that, a man can love a woman...and if he is not getting sex at home... he may get it somewhere else.

I dont think love is always required in the equation.

Why didn't the man fix food for himself? Or discuss the lack of food with his spouse?

At the end of the day, those are all excuses-- the man wanted to get some outside of the home because he wanted to.

Sign In

Does a man love his wife while he cheats?

Recommended Posts

CommittedToThis

BluesPower

kckc

BluesPower

seren

l8estnews

wmacbride

LoverofWrestling

seren

Daisy2013

RecentChange

thecrucible

cocorico

l8estnews

wmacbride

kckc

RecentChange

Sweetfish

Justsayin4897

preraph

Overtaxed

preraph

Sweetfish

preraph

sweet_pea

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...