Do I owe it to the wife to tell her I know xMM is seeing another OW?

[Lovetoohard]

I haven't posted in a long time. I found out that my xMM is seeing another OW. I dumped him over a year ago after a year of dating and when I realized that he was just not going to leave his wife and I was not willing to put my life on hold, I put an end to it. But he's called me consistently every few weeks for the year that we've been broken up.

 

Recently, I started seeing him around my condo building and was wondering what he was doing there. He was acting secretive and immediately, my alarm bells went off. He knows i've seen him. Multiple times. He's ignored me most times and it's awkward. I've moved on with my life in a lot of ways - we used to work together and i've moved on to a new job with a wonderful promotion, am dating someone great and have been fully present in my life for this last year.

 

Well, his continued presence made me suspicious that he may be seeing someone new in my building. MY building out of all places! And I confirmed it today. So while I feel sick to my stomach, I am glad I saw this side of him. I feel so much sadness for his wife and kids. I don't plan on telling them, as I don't have anything to gain from it, nor do I want to bring more drama to my life. But I do have to cope with the fact that I have to see him frequently, and with someone else, and doing the same things he did with me.

 

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I feel somewhat free and relieved that I can fully let him go knowing he is a serial cheater and a monster and that I didn't lose anything. On the other hand, I am truly disappointed that he is not the person I thought he was.

Edited October 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[purplesorrow]

Would this be the first she'll learn of his cheating? Or does she know about you?

[JewelD]

I think you should definitely leave the entire situation alone. I'm assuming you didn't tell her that you were also messing around with her husband or that the only reason you ended it was because he wasn't going to leave her.

 

There is nothing surprising about the fact that he's moved on to another woman. If his wife doesn't know already, she will certainly find out soon enough on her own.

[Bufo]

To tell her about OW 2 without telling her about WH and you would be a strange version of trickle truth. Besides how certain are you that he is seeing and whatever with OW2 rather than stalking her? I don't think you have sufficient proof to tell her it's an affair.

 

Besides, telling now, a year or so later, would smack of revenge against WH rather than doing what is right. Did he ever confess your relationship to BW?

 

Finally, whatever NC and healing you have managed might be blown sky high.

[aileD]

Not your business anymore.

 

The sentiment is nice but you are drawing yourself into the drama again. You tell her, she tell him that you told her, he contacts you, drama drama drama

 

Keep that drama way from your new healthy relationship

[Poppy47]

He cheated with you.... what kind of man did you think he was?

 

Did he make promises to you in the beginning or lie to you about being married?

 

Poppy.

[whichwayisup]

You've moved on (?) , he's your past (bad mistake), you don't want drama and you have a new boyfriend and you're happy? DO NOT get involved and tell his wife. That's sour grapes and sounds a bit like you're jealous that he's with another OW. You ended it, got fed up and it's been a year since the A is over yet you still feel 'hurt' he's now sharing something with someone else.. doesn't seem like you're totally over him, otherwise it wouldn't upset or bother you to see him with someone else.

 

Also, did you tell his wife about your affair with him? If not, don't you think it's a bit unfair to unleash this into her world when you didn't tell her about yourself and her husband? IF you ever plan on telling, you come clean with her and admit your affair that you had with him and apologize for your part in it.

[sandylee1]

I suspect his new OW is in the same position as you were when in the affair, yet you suddenly now feel sorry for his wife and kids. You weren't feeling sorry for them when you wanted him to leave his wife were you?

 

Because when it comes down to it, that's the only reason you ended it.

 

Nothing you've said suggests you have learnt that getting involved with a MM is wrong. The morals don't seem to be an issue for you. As long as the next MM leaves his wife, you'll be fine with it.

 

Start looking at yourself and why you had such poor boundaries and had no problem with a relationship with another woman's husband.

 

You're clearly not over him otherwise this wouldn't even be a question and you'd have blocked him so he couldn't phone you as well. You'd just thank your lucky stars you're out of it and go on your merry way.

 

It's best that you get on with your life and let him and his wife do the same. Unless you want to tell her you were his previous mistress and you ended it after realising he wasn't going to leave and now he has filled your previous role.

 

I didn't mean this to be harsh, but the post you made isn't about his wife or kids .... it's really about you and how easily you've been replaced.

[Lovetoohard]

Thank you all for your responses. Let me clarify that I would also out my affair with him. I wanted to break up with him because I wanted to do right by his wife and kids and encouraged him to focus on them and if he was unhappy in his marriage, either put to put forth the effort or leave. Either way, status quo was not going to work for me - I wasn't going to gamble with my future based on his future faking.

 

Let me also reiterate that I had wanted him to leave for himself, not for me. I thought about it long and hard and to be honest, I don't think we would have had a successful relationship anyway. He's just too much baggage and if he's capable of cheating on his wife, he is capable of doing the same to me.

 

I guess my desire to tell his wife stems from a huge disappointment that I thought he had just made a mistake with us and that he had learned from his mistake and was focusing on his family. Instead, he's running around with another OW, right within plain sight of me. So it's not an anomaly, but a pattern of cheating behavior, which obviously points to some serious psychological issues he needs to work on.

 

That said, the folks that said that this would just bring drama to my life and that I should focus on the healthy life that I have re-built make a valid point. This is none of my business. He will blow up his own world all on his own. I can't imagine that OW2 will put up with dating a MM for very long either (assuming she's aware that he's married). I should not and will not interject.

 

I did send him a note letting him know that I knew and plead with him to please do right by his wife and kids and not hurt them. He has not acknowledged that note, nor do I expect him to. He never felt remorse or guilt when he was with me, I doubt that has changed.

Edited October 3, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[stillafool]

This guy probably had another mistress before he got with you and will have another one after he finishes with your neighbor. I agree that the time to tell his wife was when you were having the affair with him. Why haven't you blocked him from contacting you? Why are you still talking to this cheater every now and then?

[elaine567]

He never felt remorse or guilt when he was with me, I doubt that has changed.

 

You are right not to get involved here, his wife may be well aware of his indiscretions and is willing to turn a blind eye and it may be you that suffers in the fall out here.

You think he is now on to OW2, but if he indeed feels no remorse or guilt over his cheating ways, she may be OW22 for all you really know...

[whichwayisup]

You really need to block him and stay out of his life. It's not your business or place to scold him by email, lecturing him on how to live his life.

 

All that does is keep him alive in your head, even if you think you're 'over' him, it's obvious you're not. And someone else mentioned this, i totally agree - This is about you not his wife or her well being. You're hurt that he found another OW - Moved on so easily and I'm betting that's made you feel like you weren't special to him. Don't let ego get in the way. Focus on your future and block him for good. He isn't a friend so there's NO point in any contact.

[ladydesigner]

I haven't posted in a long time. I found out that my xMM is seeing another OW. I dumped him over a year ago after a year of dating and when I realized that he was just not going to leave his wife and I was not willing to put my life on hold, I put an end to it. But he's called me consistently every few weeks for the year that we've been broken up.

 

Recently, I started seeing him around my condo building and was wondering what he was doing there. He was acting secretive and immediately, my alarm bells went off. He knows i've seen him. Multiple times. He's ignored me most times and it's awkward. I've moved on with my life in a lot of ways - we used to work together and i've moved on to a new job with a wonderful promotion, am dating someone great and have been fully present in my life for this last year.

 

Well, his continued presence made me suspicious that he may be seeing someone new in my building. MY building out of all places! And I confirmed it today. So while I feel sick to my stomach, I am glad I saw this side of him. I feel so much sadness for his wife and kids. I don't plan on telling them, as I don't have anything to gain from it, nor do I want to bring more drama to my life. But I do have to cope with the fact that I have to see him frequently, and with someone else, and doing the same things he did with me.

 

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I feel somewhat free and relieved that I can fully let him go knowing he is a serial cheater and a monster and that I didn't lose anything. On the other hand, I am truly disappointed that he is not the person I thought he was.

 

Keep moving forward with your life! Sorry you had to see this Assclown behaving badly again. If his wife is anything like me she may be biding her time until the kids have flown the coop especially since he's a serial cheat.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I used to be in the don't tell camp when I was a WW.

 

But now that I'm out of it, I understand that his wife has the right to know what a piece of sh*$&t she's married to.

 

The thing that hurt my husband the most was knowing he tried to make our marriage work while I was checked out. And he often references how I was out banging someone else while he was home spending time with our children.

[sandylee1]

What business is it of yours telling him to focus on his wife and kids? NONE.

 

Your explanation still doesn't explain why you got involved with a MM in the first place. So telling him even while in the affair to focus on his family is nonsense. You should have never been in that position anyway.

 

You weren't the first and the current one won't be the last either. He likes playing away and it's as simple as that for him. You bought his lies and now you can't believe he'd have the cheek to get another OW right where you live.

 

That's what's getting you. Realising you were nothing special to him. If you're disappointed in him ... be disappointed in yourself for getting involved with someone else's husband.

 

He's not your child to be expressing disappointment. He's not your husband, but your comment suggest you have some kind of status in his life.

[Lovetoohard]

What business is it of yours telling him to focus on his wife and kids? NONE.

 

Your explanation still doesn't explain why you got involved with a MM in the first place. So telling him even while in the affair to focus on his family is nonsense. You should have never been in that position anyway.

 

You weren't the first and the current one won't be the last either. He likes playing away and it's as simple as that for him. You bought his lies and now you can't believe he'd have the cheek to get another OW right where you live.

 

That's what's getting you. Realising you were nothing special to him. If you're disappointed in him ... be disappointed in yourself for getting involved with someone else's husband.

 

He's not your child to be expressing disappointment. He's not your husband, but your comment suggest you have some kind of status in his life.

 

You are absolutely right in saying that I don't have any business telling him to focus on his wife and kids. That said, this is within the context of a long-standing friendship and emotional connection we had once shared.

 

The intent of this post is not to get into the reasons of getting involved in the affair in the first place - I have done that self assessment and have been focused on strengthening my boundaries and making healthy choices ever since I ended it. You are mis-reading my post. I broke off the affair because I wanted him to focus on his family because I know we were not doing the right thing. That is why I urged him to think about the hurt he may cause as he got a chance to re-focus on his family without a D-Day and unscathed. To continue going down the path of making bad choices again would no doubt open them up to the possibility of being hurt.

 

I am well aware of the possibility that I may not have been the first OW and the fact that this is a pattern and not an anomaly. A momentary transgression is one thing, a pattern of such behavior destroys my illusion of what he was. THAT is where the disappointment stems from.

[stillafool]

 

 

A momentary transgression is one thing, a pattern of such behavior destroys my illusion of what he was. THAT is where the disappointment stems from.

 

Your affair with MM was not a momentary transgression. There is no illusion you should have of him. He was a cheater, is still a cheater, and will more than likely remain a cheater until his penis no longer works.

[sandylee1]

Be in denial as much as you want. You didn't end it so he'd focus on his wife and kids ... This is really why you ended it .....

 

I dumped him over a year ago after a year of dating and when I realized that he was just not going to leave his wife and I was not willing to put my life on hold,

 

You had a very good reason to leave him, but you weren't doing it out of kindness to his wife and kids.

[jenkins95]

Lovetoohard!

 

Great to hear about all the positive developments in your life post affair! That's great news.

 

I would leave xMM well alone now. You are reaching a stage in your life where you are finding much welcome stability. You just can't know how he, or she, would react. This could bring a lot of turmoil back to you.

 

It is sad for his wife, but don't make that your battle. If he is a serial cheat, she will probably see through him eventually.

 

Good luck love and keep posting your great success stories. Just what we need.

[Lovetoohard]

Thanks, Jenkins! You are absolutely right - I have worked too hard to recover from the long lasting effects of the affair and have such positive and healthy things in my life. I'm going to guard those things and not let xMM's toxicity detract from that. I am just going to ignore his presence around where I live if I see him, and try to get a better handle on making a conscious effort to not let my thoughts wander to his actions. His stuff is his stuff. My stuff is my stuff.

 

That said, I do believe in karma and someday, he will pay heavily for his selfishness. I do not need to feel responsible for guiding him in making healthy choices to avoid self-destructive behavior. He is a grown man and his decisions are solely his responsibility. No longer being the nurturer and caretaker type to the extent that it is to my own detriment is also something I have been working on over the last few months. I have made progress, but I clearly have more work to do on that front.

 

I can do this. He does not exist.

[ladydesigner]

Thanks, Jenkins! You are absolutely right - I have worked too hard to recover from the long lasting effects of the affair and have such positive and healthy things in my life. I'm going to guard those things and not let xMM's toxicity detract from that. I am just going to ignore his presence around where I live if I see him, and try to get a better handle on making a conscious effort to not let my thoughts wander to his actions. His stuff is his stuff. My stuff is my stuff.

 

That said, I do believe in karma and someday, he will pay heavily for his selfishness. I do not need to feel responsible for guiding him in making healthy choices to avoid self-destructive behavior. He is a grown man and his decisions are solely his responsibility. No longer being the nurturer and caretaker type to the extent that it is to my own detriment is also something I have been working on over the last few months. I have made progress, but I clearly have more work to do on that front.

 

I can do this. He does not exist.

 

He probably already does in other areas of his life this you can be sure of my WH brings it himself on a daily basis

[Miss Clavel]

i'd tell the new other woman. oh hell yes. let HER know.

[starswewillnavigate]

I would stay away from the situation altogether, why invest time and emotion into his situation anyway.

[BuddyX]

Funny how karma gets brought up after we get hurt. Remember, you represent 50% of the transgression. What about your Karma? Oh right, our Karma will always come back in a positive way.

 

Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.

 

Stay away from MM. Nothing good will come if it.

[Midwestmissy]

I once sent an unknowing spouse an anonymous letter with proof. The ow was boasting and I was heartsick for this woman with babies at home who knew nothing. It was gentle and had dates and it ended the affair. Also untraceable.

 

Not saying you must, but there are ways to let anybody know anything. I said earlier how much I wish I'd known.