Do I owe it to the wife to tell her I know xMM is seeing another OW?

[Furious]

I haven't posted in a long time. I found out that my xMM is seeing another OW. I dumped him over a year ago after a year of dating and when I realized that he was just not going to leave his wife and I was not willing to put my life on hold, I put an end to it. But he's called me consistently every few weeks for the year that we've been broken up.

 

Recently, I started seeing him around my condo building and was wondering what he was doing there. He was acting secretive and immediately, my alarm bells went off. He knows i've seen him. Multiple times. He's ignored me most times and it's awkward. I've moved on with my life in a lot of ways - we used to work together and i've moved on to a new job with a wonderful promotion, am dating someone great and have been fully present in my life for this last year.

 

Well, his continued presence made me suspicious that he may be seeing someone new in my building. MY building out of all places! And I confirmed it today. So while I feel sick to my stomach, I am glad I saw this side of him. I feel so much sadness for his wife and kids. I don't plan on telling them, as I don't have anything to gain from it, nor do I want to bring more drama to my life. But I do have to cope with the fact that I have to see him frequently, and with someone else, and doing the same things he did with me.

 

I'm not sure how I feel right now. I feel somewhat free and relieved that I can fully let him go knowing he is a serial cheater and a monster and that I didn't lose anything. On the other hand, I am truly disappointed that he is not the person I thought he was.

 

I'd suggest you tell the "new" other woman that she is not the only one. Odd's are there are probably other women before you too.

 

If you do inform the new other woman it will give you valuable experience on how he'll react, most likely he'll tell the new other woman you're a liar and she'll probably believe him. Most likely he'll do the same if you inform his wife.

[Lovetoohard]

i'd tell the new other woman. oh hell yes. let HER know.

 

Ha! This is an intriguing thought, but I have no desire to do so. Plus, I think there's a very high probability that I would end up looking like a bitter and jealous ex and i'd rather keep my dignity intact. Let the new OW find out on her own. There's no way they'll be able to sustain this. Sooner or later, she'll want more and he's not capable of doing so.

 

Also, I do have to keep reminding myself that i'm the one who dumped him, so he's got every right to move on. I just thought he'd be moving on with his WIFE. That's my hangup.

[Lovetoohard]

Funny how karma gets brought up after we get hurt. Remember, you represent 50% of the transgression. What about your Karma? Oh right, our Karma will always come back in a positive way.

 

Karma has no menu. You get served what you deserve.

 

Stay away from MM. Nothing good will come if it.

 

I appreciate the tough love, Buddy. I have paid very dearly for my actions after it ended and continue to do so. I'm not under any illusions that I will reap positive karma from my participation.

 

But I also have every right to feel that he should pay for what he's done/doing. He seems to have escaped unscathed, continuing to live his life like a chameleon to suit whatever he desires. An exciting boyfriend, a single guy that likes to go out and have a good time with the guys, a cool dad, a career oriented guy, a philanthropist, a loyal son-in-law, and an pious church-goer. He has no real identity.

[Lovetoohard]

I'd suggest you tell the "new" other woman that she is not the only one. Odd's are there are probably other women before you too.

 

If you do inform the new other woman it will give you valuable experience on how he'll react, most likely he'll tell the new other woman you're a liar and she'll probably believe him. Most likely he'll do the same if you inform his wife.

 

I don't doubt he would lie. He's very good at that. I think i've already had many valuable experiences with what he's capable of thus far. I think i'm done. I am starting to shift the focus back onto myself. I have no vested interest in the mess his life is.

[stillafool]

I once sent an unknowing spouse an anonymous letter with proof. The ow was boasting and I was heartsick for this woman with babies at home who knew nothing. It was gentle and had dates and it ended the affair. Also untraceable.

 

Not saying you must, but there are ways to let anybody know anything. I said earlier how much I wish I'd known.

 

Did you previously have an affair with the woman's spouse?

[ChickiePops]

Ha! This is an intriguing thought, but I have no desire to do so. Plus, I think there's a very high probability that I would end up looking like a bitter and jealous ex and i'd rather keep my dignity intact. Let the new OW find out on her own. There's no way they'll be able to sustain this. Sooner or later, she'll want more and he's not capable of doing so.

 

Also, I do have to keep reminding myself that i'm the one who dumped him, so he's got every right to move on. I just thought he'd be moving on with his WIFE. That's my hangup.

 

So the only thing that matters is what a stranger thinks of you..not the fact that this pigman is putting others at risk for not only a whole lot of pain and suffering, but STDs as well?

 

You could easily tell both the wife and the OW anonymously with no repercussions for yourself.

[starswewillnavigate]

Also, I do have to keep reminding myself that i'm the one who dumped him, so he's got every right to move on. I just thought he'd be moving on with his WIFE. That's my hangup.

 

Remember it has become a way of life for him, he won't change until BS finds out or he finally finds someone that he will leave his BS for (and then the pattern will probably repeat again). I see it with my xMM, I know he is seeing OW. Part of me feels weirdly feels secure knowing that I'm just part of a pattern, but I would be weirdly upset if he ever left her for an AP.

[Midwestmissy]

No, I'm a bs in an unrelated affair. I knew this ow peripherally. She was boasting and drinking & telling people all the places he flew her, etc and it was too much. I took some of what she said, put it in the letter and mailed it off. The mm lives about 2000 miles from me, and I don't know him or his bs. But I looked her up on facebook and saw their little kids and my heart broke for her. He was telling ow he was going to marry her, leave his wife and yet when the chance was presented, under the bus she went. She also met him when he traveled with his kids which makes my stomach churn. I did not put that in my note but it's what put me - and a lot of people - over the edge.

 

The ow got dumped and is raging about all the people she thinks it could be. We are 40 something women in an affluent area and she was acting like an idiot. She also has teens and it's just all been so blatant and ugly.

[ShatteredLady]

I'm a BS so I'm bias. All I can do is share my experience.

 

I would ALWAYS want to know.

 

Firstly, I often read the prediction "He will just lie to the BS & nothing will change so what's the point in telling?". The truth is, many BS don't file for divorce on d-day. This does NOT mean that the seed hasn't been planted or that she isn't "getting her ducks in a row" & making plans for her & her babies future.

 

My H's behavior to me completely changed when his A started. I was recovering from emergency surgery & heavily medicated. He became very cruel & abusive. I blamed myself for everything!! I nearly lost my mind trying to be the 'perfect' wife but nothing was ever good enough.

 

When I finally learnt about the OW it was almost a relief because everything started to make sense. If someone had told me the truth earlier it could of saved me 9 MONTHS of hell. My selfesteem was destroyed. I hated myself & wanted to die....believing that I was a sick burden ruining my H & my CHILDRENS lives. I could of been saved from that.

 

As a wife & mother I make choices, large & small everyday. I do very little for ME. In everything, particularly those huge life changing decisions, I prioritize my FAMILY.

 

The BS here could be making choices at this very moment which could be disastrous for HER but great for her H, her family....

 

I gave-up my very successful career. I moved to the USA away from my support system of family & friends in England, making me incredibly isolated. I didn't continue my education because my H's was more important to the FAMILY. We moved to a larger house, larger mortgage. Etc etc.

 

She could be making any of these choices or more, having another child, remortgaging the house, getting into debt for his new flash car, whatever!!

 

Would she make the same choices if she knew that her H was a serial adulterer?

 

This new OW will live the same nightmare as you. She will be changed, hurt, loose her faith in love. Ugh!!

 

By telling you could save 2 women a world of hurt. As a BS I don't care what your motivations are! Ideally I would like a way of contacting you to ask questions but even an anonymous letter with some PROOF (as other member have suggested) would be great vs the alternative.

[Lovetoohard]

Remember it has become a way of life for him, he won't change until BS finds out or he finally finds someone that he will leave his BS for (and then the pattern will probably repeat again). I see it with my xMM, I know he is seeing OW. Part of me feels weirdly feels secure knowing that I'm just part of a pattern, but I would be weirdly upset if he ever left her for an AP.

 

 

This is interesting. I guess I sort of understand it. Like, this is just how he is versus him having an epiphany and meeting the AP love of his life where he'd left his wife for her. I suppose it's somewhat of a consolation.

[Lovetoohard]

No, I don't want my xMM. I just want him to hurt and pay for the pain he has caused his wife, kids and me. I can assure you, I want NO part of him. Ever. He is a sick individual and in dire need for some psychological help.

Edited October 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Edited out rude reference ~ V

[JewelD]

No, I don't want my xMM. I just want him to hurt and pay for the pain he has caused his wife, kids and me. I can assure you, I want NO part of him. Ever. He is a sick individual and in dire need for some psychological help.

 

Be real, he can't be that crazy if he had you swooning over him as a side chick. He didn't even have to go through the effort of fabricating some lie about being single, he told you he was married and you were still head over heels for him. He's not crazy, he's just a cheater and you were extremely vulnerable and gullible.

 

You don't care about his wife and kids. You don't even know them. and you were perfectly happy with keeping up the affair if he had actually left her. So how would you have felt about their pain and suffering if their husband/father had abandoned the family to shack up with you? Is that not why you broke up with him? Because he wouldn't completely abandon his wife and kids for you? You're just upset because he's having an affair with someone who is not you. If you can't have him, nobody else can, right? Even though he was never just yours to begin with.

 

You're not going to hurt their marriage, if anything, you'll probably bring them closer and he'll still be happy in the end. Focus on your own happiness. You're spending all this extra time trying to make other people miserable and that's what the universe is going to throw right back in your face. MM has all of your info. He knows where you live, where you work your phone number. Are you prepared to risk him or his wife coming over to confront you? Is it worth a potential asswhooping? Things to consider.

[Noirek]

in the real world where real humans live they don't always fit neatly into little categories and they don't always feel just one emotion or have a singular motive for their actions.

 

Just because a person was involved with a married person doesn't mean they can't grow to regret their actions or care about the faceless woman they were hurting. Compartmentalization. Regrets. Guilt. Remorse. The strong emotions of love and infatuation gone and clarity can allow someone to become empathetic and feel the pain the inflicted upon another. And often disgust at themselves for being part of this.

 

It is narrow minded and shallow of people to tell someone else what they are and aren't feeling based on past actions and a few words typed out. Feelings and emotions are personal. And complex. The OP can very well feel sadness for the BW and want the BH to not continue his cake eating. She could feel a sense of revenge at the same time a burden lifted for coming clean to the wife (perhaps the secret is weighing on her?)

 

My advice in exposing an affair as a third party or AP is to ask yourself "would I want to know?" And if the answer is yes "how would I want to find out" and if the answer is sooner rather than later and by any means possible, then imagine, really imagine how hearing it from the OW would be and do it that way (or as suggested anon) or if you would rather find it out yourself in your own time... then don't tell.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

Do I owe it to the wife to tell her I know xMM is seeing another OW?

 

 

No, of course not.

 

You are to stay OUT of other people's relationships...

 

 

(boggles the mind)

[ChickiePops]

OP..no, you don't OWE it to her. But in my opinion, it would be the kind and compassionate thing to do.

[JewelD]

The healthy thing to do would be to move on and let it play out on its own. For all she knows, the wife is fully aware of what is going on. There is nothing shallow or ignorant about considering your own well-being before that of someone you consider a cheating psychopath and his family.

 

The longer you stay wrapped up in a dramatic situation, the longer it's going to take for you to heal and move on from it. If you really want to cause the man pain, act like he doesn't exist.

[HeCantBreakMe]

First of all I know how bad this can hurt and suck. xMM moving on with his wife is painful but doable because well - he wasn't that happy with her because he cheated with you BUT xMM cheating with another OW that is really painful because it cheapens what you had with him. You also start to imagine all the things he told you- being told to another girl. AND THEN what happens if he gets caught this time- thrown out and ends up with this new OW that would hurt OR what if he leaves his wife for this new AP...

 

My advice - however you are hearing about him and this new OW CUT that source OFF-- Find a way to not hear anything about your xMM and move on. If you were going to tell the wife you should have told her about your affair - time has passed for that so to blow him up for this new OW is done out of spite and for all of the wrong reasons. Turn your ears off to ANY news about your xMM and continue moving forward.

 

Good luck and by the way i am watching my xMM flirt with a new girl at work so i get it.

[Midwestmissy]

Mm don't always cheat because they're wives are to blame for making them unhappy. Truly unhappy men leave marriages everyday. Cheaters cheat and lie because they are messed up within and not respecting their vows, their wives, themselves. Remember - if the wife was the real problem, dday would be a perfect out. Woot woot, I'm free. I think dday forces some cheaters to realize they had the story of the marriage a bit off, and that they truly want the marriage, warts and all.

[stillafool]

No, I don't want my xMM. I just want him to hurt and pay for the pain he has caused his wife, kids and me. I can assure you, I want NO part of him. Ever. He is a sick individual and in dire need for some psychological help.

 

But you caused your own pain by knowingly getting involved with a MM. So you got what you signed up for. His wife and kids got hurt because of the actions of you and MM.

[Matahari007]

Lovetoohard, you asked if you owe it to his wifeto tell her you know XMM is seeing OW? You don't owe his wife, your XMM, or anyone else anything. If you have moved on from your affair than mind your business and leave all that drama where it belongs, in the past. When things ended with you both did you think of telling his W about the affair? Have you looked within & asked yourself if your motives are to hurt him because you have seen him with someone else? Who's to say that you or that woman in your building are the only ones?

You said you have a new person in your life, a promotion, and are happy so why focus on what he's doing? Its his life and he'll be the one that has to suffer the consequences for his actions. Let it go and keep it movin'.

[harrybrown]

No, I'm a bs in an unrelated affair. I knew this ow peripherally. She was boasting and drinking & telling people all the places he flew her, etc and it was too much. I took some of what she said, put it in the letter and mailed it off. The mm lives about 2000 miles from me, and I don't know him or his bs. But I looked her up on facebook and saw their little kids and my heart broke for her. He was telling ow he was going to marry her, leave his wife and yet when the chance was presented, under the bus she went. She also met him when he traveled with his kids which makes my stomach churn. I did not put that in my note but it's what put me - and a lot of people - over the edge.

 

The ow got dumped and is raging about all the people she thinks it could be. We are 40 something women in an affluent area and she was acting like an idiot. She also has teens and it's just all been so blatant and ugly.

 

Hope you told her spouse also.

 

If it was me, I would want to know.

 

I do not want to get stds.

 

Then if I knew for certain, with proof, I could take action.

 

I wish you would tell his wife.

[Lion Heart]

Yes ofcourse you should tell his BW!

 

You don't "owe" anyone else anything but you owe it to yourself.

 

Once you write the anonymous letter to BW, your conscience is clear.

 

I seriously hate drama lol I'm an organic gardener!

 

But in NO WAY am I ever going to hold knowledge that could prevent the demise of the physical health of another HUMAN being.

 

I also have the deep feelings of "the sisterhood" but I understand OWs don't always have this. I don't expect it.

 

I've told many friends the first moment I've found out that their spouses are cheating. For over 30y. The conversation lasted no more than 15 minutes lol. That's ALL they needed to know.

 

Your situation is different.

But it's still the same in a way.

 

YOU KNOW.

You feel the BW should know.

Ofcourse she should.

 

The surprising thing MAY occur that she just shrugs her shoulders at your letter and does nothing. In VERY FEW cases IME.

 

But as long as YOU clear your conscience.

Deliver the news as anonymously as possible.

 

Release any attachment to the outcome.

You'll be free of this once and for all I trust.

 

Get an AVO if he causes trouble.

 

I just want to tell you HOW GRATEFUL I was that OW forced WH to tell me and create my D Day.

I never suspected him to ever betray me nor our beautiful twin boys and sweet girl. Nor his step daughter, son-in-law and grandson either.

My dreams were warning me of the hell to come.

For 5 long years I would NEVER have WASTED with it lol.

 

As it turned out it was 12+ years he EXPOSED me to the threat of STDs, mind-f***ed, gaslighted blah blah blah.

Stole my money (which I'm getting back now ?) etc.

 

I DROVE HIM to OWs house the morning after D Day so he could build the things he'd promised for the sexual favours he got. OW and I had had an incredible phonecall on D Day.

 

Yes he threw her under a FLEET of buses. His behaviours towards her was DISGUSTING. WH family had HER sacked. OW had WH sacked. They're all nutbags.

 

All I wanted for OW was some type of RESTITUTION.

She deserved THAT AT A MINIMUM.

Ofcourse she turned bitter towards me. She wanted WH lol. She could HAVE HIM. I kicked him out that day.

He hitch hiked lol WAY past her house to his parent's house. That drama unfolded as I watched.

 

I'll ALWAYS be grateful for the truth. In all forms.

 

Lion Heart

[Noirek]

But you caused your own pain by knowingly getting involved with a MM. So you got what you signed up for. His wife and kids got hurt because of the actions of you and MM.

 

Do you think that makes the pain any less real? More palatable?

[MJJean]

Do you owe it to her? Maybe. Do I think you should tell her? Yes. I've been a BW and I have been a WW. I'd want to know if I were here and I wouldn't care about the motivation for telling me.

[ChickiePops]

Do you think that makes the pain any less real? More palatable?

 

Of course not. But think about it like this. The OP and the BS are standing next to each other. OP is facing the MM, eyes wide open. BS has her back turned, is wearing noise canceling headphones, and has no idea the MM is even there.

 

MM goes to stab both of them..OP sees the knife, has time to get out of the way, could easily dodge the stab..but instead stands there with her arms wide open.

 

BS has no clue she's about to be stabbed in the back, had no time to think about it or prepare for it, didn't consent to it, and got stabbed anyway.

 

At least the OP was aware of the entire situation..it was a consensual relationship between her and the MM and she was getting love, attention, sex..etc..plus she knew the risks of entering an affair. The BS had no idea and, as the third corner of this relationship triangle, was the one person who wasn't benefiting from it in any way.

 

I understand that when you enter into an affair, you don't usually do it knowing that you're going to get hurt..but at least you know the whole truth of the situation. You're aware that the potential for pain is there and, if you wanted to, you could brace yourself for it.