Do I owe it to the wife to tell her I know xMM is seeing another OW?

[Tayla]

Each party affected directly or indirectly deserves the truth. The challenge is who wants to be that messenger?

 

I stopped shooting the messenger years ago. Unless they were gloating and being ill intended... But mostly once the truth was parlayed... Informed actions could be mustered.

 

Reckon when I confronted my guy and his side snack, neither of them could be less guilty. BOTH were accountable. Since BOTH were adults with poor regard for anyone but themselves.

I "chose" to be the victor, not the victim of their antics.

[Midwestmissy]

Hope you told her spouse also.

 

If it was me, I would want to know.

 

I do not want to get stds.

 

Then if I knew for certain, with proof, I could take action.

 

I wish you would tell his wife.

 

 

Everyone in the situation now knows because of my letter. The whole affair was outed.

[Onlywhenitrains]

For the record, I was the OW.

 

If I was the BS, I would want to know.

 

I would never go to her and tell her. If somehow she found out, I'd tell her the truth.

 

I've always had this guilt and shame about what I was doing. It wasn't fair. I knew the rules. She never did know any of it.

 

I still feel the guilt and shame. But, those are the consequences of my choices and actions that I have to live with. Not pretty, but I have to live with it.

 

She deserves to know what she's up against.

 

But, then I think of his kid and safety and love the kid needs. It doesn't matter if the parents aren't really together while they still are.

 

Kids should never suffer because of the the things the adults can not understand, solve or learn to live with.

[lemondrop21]

For the record, I was the OW.

 

If I was the BS, I would want to know.

 

I would never go to her and tell her. If somehow she found out, I'd tell her the truth.

 

I've always had this guilt and shame about what I was doing. It wasn't fair. I knew the rules. She never did know any of it.

 

I still feel the guilt and shame. But, those are the consequences of my choices and actions that I have to live with. Not pretty, but I have to live with it.

 

She deserves to know what she's up against.

 

But, then I think of his kid and safety and love the kid needs. It doesn't matter if the parents aren't really together while they still are.

 

Kids should never suffer because of the the things the adults can not understand, solve or learn to live with.

 

The kids would also stop me from telling BW, but to play devil's advocate, why is it your job to protect the children's innocence when the one who actually HAS children was willing to risk it?

[ChickiePops]

The kids would also stop me from telling BW, but to play devil's advocate, why is it your job to protect the children's innocence when the one who actually HAS children was willing to risk it?

 

It's not. The damage has already been done..hiding it from the BS doesn't make up for participating in creating the mess. It just adds a new layer of lies and potential pain.

 

Why wouldn't the kids stop you from having the affair in the first place?

[ladydesigner]

It's not. The damage has already been done..hiding it from the BS doesn't make up for participating in creating the mess. It just adds a new layer of lies and potential pain.

 

Why wouldn't the kids stop you from having the affair in the first place?

 

I wonder this too! I mean I get the onus is on the WS but the AP is a willing participant and knows all the facts (including innocent children being hurt). Why doesn't that play a role?

 

My biggest bone to pick with MOW was her discussing my kids lives like SHE knew them talk about bringing out the mama bear in me. Oh my effing god!

[Onlywhenitrains]

It's not. The damage has already been done..hiding it from the BS doesn't make up for participating in creating the mess. It just adds a new layer of lies and potential pain.

 

Why wouldn't the kids stop you from having the affair in the first place?

 

Great question!

 

I don't know the answer. And, won't try to make one up now. I just have to live with choices I made, and it's not easy at all. Regardless of the fact that in my case we were lucky and there was no DDay.

[ShatteredLady]

My biggest bone to pick with MOW was her discussing my kids lives like SHE knew them talk about bringing out the mama bear in me. Oh my effing god!

 

 

Oh mama bear!! I know that feeling.

 

My H bought the OW's children Christmas gifts. He sent them MY favorite old English story books!! I know it sounds silly but that nearly killed me!! I had to hide them. Lived in dread that my baby girl would want to snuggle in bed & read them with me. Ugh!

 

He said, innocently, "You know that I never know what to buy anyone! You've always loved those books, our kids love them. You're reading too much into it. It's nothing!".

 

How does so much 'nothing' make me want to die?

 

The first time he said her children's names, they just slipped of off his toungue in such a natural way, like family...I excused myself & vomited until I was dry heaving.

 

I discovered his affair when I found the receipt for her Mother's Day flowers, "To the best mother in the world".

 

I'm definitely a mama bear. All the things related to my kids & my mothering hurt more than anything.

[Lovetoohard]

It's not. The damage has already been done..hiding it from the BS doesn't make up for participating in creating the mess. It just adds a new layer of lies and potential pain.

 

Why wouldn't the kids stop you from having the affair in the first place?

 

I can't generalize, but for me, when it became evident that there was a very high likelihood that I was being kept on the hook with future faking so my xMM could continue cake-eating, I started finding my conscience again through the clearing fog and realized that the continued lying, sneaking around, omissions, etc. were going to hurt his poor innocent kids. If he wanted to be that kind of a parent and role model, that was his prerogative, but I was no longer going to be an accomplice to that. Had he not lead with the divorce talk and how his kids would eventually be okay and that it was a healthier route for him to get out of his marriage instead of staying in it for the kids, I may have not entertained the thought.

 

Sometimes the very conscience that nags at you and causes you to resist all attempts to get into an affair gets lost in the haze somewhere as you start to get sucked into xMM's words and actions. Fortunately, I never completely lost sight of it. That said, I can't undo what's happened. I can only make better choices going forward and be more aware of innocent bystanders. If xMM wants to actively continue setting his kids for a lifetime of pain, that's entirely on him.

[sandylee1]

Do you think that makes the pain any less real? More palatable?

 

It's self inflicted. So she ought to suck it up TBH.

 

[]

Edited October 12, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator