Is 16 years of begging for sex too long?

[elaine567]

You're right. She doesn't care about me... This is true.

 

However, I have burned bridges in my life. And I just burned some more bridges due to a stupid mistake on my part. So now I hardly have any family left who talks to me. I fear if I end my marriage I will be alone... totally alone... expect for a few people..... I wish I could right the wrongs but I can't.

 

Well it is all about doing a cost benefit analysis.

What is REALLY important to you.

WE on LS can all stir you up to think you need sex daily to be a REAL man, but if that is at the cost of your life as you know it, then is it actually worth it?

You are not at loggerheads with your wife every day, you get along fine, it is only the sex that is missing.

Is it worth blowing up your marriage and family for sex?

Only you know that, only YOU can answer that.

 

Just like in their youth, some older men are fighting off the women, others are pretty much ignored by women. Which one are you?

You need to honestly assess your chances of getting a gf and having the sex you want. If you honestly feel your chances are low, you were never that attractive to the ladies or you have little to offer a woman, then you may blow up your marriage for an impossible dream and you will end up in a lonely bachelor existence, unwanted and unloved.

 

If, on the other hand, you feel you have much to offer a woman and you are popular with women in general, then you may need to take that leap in the dark and go seek out a woman who you desire and more importantly maybe, who desires you.

[oldshirt]

She has not read any.

.

 

That's my point.

 

She is not lifting a finger. This is not a problem for her and she isn't doing anything to correct it. She is perfectly OK with the status quo.

 

As long as she can avoid sex and intimacy with you, she is good.

[Mr. Lucky]

However, I have burned bridges in my life. And I just burned some more bridges due to a stupid mistake on my part. So now I hardly have any family left who talks to me. I fear if I end my marriage I will be alone... totally alone... expect for a few people.....

 

The future is an unknown, certainly could be some challenges as a single man.

 

But your present is unsatisfying and emasculating. I'd rather roll the dice for a chance at happiness, fulfillment and growth.

 

It's not like you have much to lose...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xyzisnotme]

That's my point.

 

She is not lifting a finger. This is not a problem for her and she isn't doing anything to correct it. She is perfectly OK with the status quo.

 

As long as she can avoid sex and intimacy with you, she is good.

 

On this Christmas season this is truth is more obvious than ever.

[oldshirt]

On this Christmas season this is truth is more obvious than ever.

 

After 16 years did you really think one day was going to make a difference.

 

She is not into you sexually and hasn't been for going on two decades. The date on a calendar is not going to change that.

[oldshirt]

 

But your present is unsatisfying and emasculating. I'd rather roll the dice for a chance at happiness, fulfillment and growth.

 

It's not like you have much to lose...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Truth ^^^^^^

 

What could be the worst that could happen if you were single?? That you wouldn't have sex very often??

[spanz1]

After 16 years did you really think one day was going to make a difference.

 

She is not into you sexually and hasn't been for going on two decades. The date on a calendar is not going to change that.

 

sadly, days like Valentines day and Christmas are the worst...the ignored spouse gets their hopes up. "maybe he/she might buy me a nice little present, flirt with me a little, at least be nice for a change"...then there is NOTHING under the tree, no valentines card, no flowers.

 

in other words, the straw that broke the camel's back

 

for the OP it is either time to kick her ass out the door, or find a lover.

[AmandaDiane]

Something is definitely wrong here! Sex and intimacy is an important part of marriage, if she is good with going 16 years without it, she just doesn't find you attractive anymore.

 

Try to talk it out! Discuss it in a "safe space", no fighting, just putting concerns out... Divorce is a harsh thing for both of you and your teen, but it's better than having a parallel life or cheating.

 

All the best! Keep us posted!

[travelbug1996]

She's never gonna have sex with you because she doesn't desire you in that way. You have 2 choices, you can accept that reality or you can take a leap of faith and shoot your shot.

 

I'd shoot my shot if I were you.

[Clockwork]

Hello everyone,

I have not been here in a while. I forgot I even had an account here until a kind person from another marriage forum suggested that I give this place a try. Well what do you know. I have been posting here all along!

 

My marriage has not changed. Although I am successfully employed, my wife's behavior has not changed towards me. Sure, everything is fine between us, just as long as I don't expect sex or intimacy. This will never change. So I either stick it out for the sake of our teenager or I get out. I don't to get out because I really frown upon divorce due to my religious beliefs. And besides, I don't even know what it's like to live on my own. Believe it or not, I never have. So here I am again, with the same old lonely story. But it's good to be back.

 

Are you trying to say you haven't had sex in 16 years? 16? My wife never gone 16 DAYS without sex. Not once. Not even after she gave birth. Maybe the maximum was two weeks, tops. But we were right back at it.

 

 

Why? Why in the world do people stay together in a marriage if there is no sex? Who does this? I get antsy - and my wife does too - if we haven't had sex in 2-3 days. If my alarm wakes me up for work and I wake up with an erection, my wife knows I'm going to slide in a quickie. She encourages it. She actually gets turned on if I just surprise her and wake her up by ripping her pants off. We get each other. All I can say is that sex is the most fun thing in the world. It is like riding the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney World over and over again. Why would two healthy people rob themselves of that fun?

[xyzisnotme]

I do pre marriage training in the Catholic Church. We cover the topic of sex in the marriage and on a practical level ... The message is that cracks and crunches will appear if one party, stops giving their body7 ... making the marriage vulnerable to a third party or to a divorce.

 

Your sex drives are clearly a mismatch.

 

Asides from sex, what is your marriage like?

Do you enjoy each other's company?

Do you show affection? Hugs or kisses?

 

I presume you've discussed it. What's her response?

 

I could never beg or plead for sex. I'm suprised you've not given up. I knew a guy in your position and he said it was humiliating to keep asking, getting rejected and his wife would just look at him blankly.

 

I suggested he stopped initiating. After 2 months she accused him of cheating ... saying he must be getting it somewhere else because he hadn't come to her for it. She was in tears.

 

He just got fed up of the 'duty sex'.

 

Truth was he had started getting massages with pleasant endings from different parlors.

 

You need to accept that nothing will change unless you do something.

 

Our relationships is fine, just as long as I don't want hugs, kisses or sex.

 

I am glad that you see the importance of sex in a marriage, especially since you do per-marital counseling in a religious setting. I don't feel so bad after hearing the importance of this coming from a personal of religious training. Thank you.

[xyzisnotme]

Welcome back im glad you got a job congrats! but sadly from going back over your older posts it seams the ship has sailed long ago on your marriage prob because you were unemployed for so long. I can so sympathize with you wife on this one its really difficult when only one side is solely responsible for taking care of a homes finances in the long run its extremely taxing on that partner no wonder she grew tired of it and basically checked out of the relationship.

 

Honestly im surprised shes not asked for a divorce or you for that matter why stay like this? your child is now a teen? in a few years they will be off on their own are they a older teen? if so I think they can handle the split they have prob sensed the tension of the unhappy marriage for a while anyways.. let them have time to grieve it and move on a bit before they hit young adult hood so they can start out on their own with a fresh view on things...

 

But yeah my own BF was also recently unemployed for over a year the 1st half he basically sat on his ass and played games all day until I made it clear it was getting to be to much for me and he had to get serious or I was going to have to make other arrangements. the only reason we are still together is cause he did get serious and it took him a good 6 month's or more to find a job with daily searches.

 

Dont get me wrong I love him dearly but the stress was just killing me and I was turning out mentally and starting to really resent him im sure this is prob how your wife felt when things started to go south..I dont think it can be saved at this point if even getting a job isn't turning things around its best to just move on now..good luck!

 

It's tragically obvious that this is the case. Even if she made a turn around it would be short lived and she would go back to the way she really is.

[xyzisnotme]

Well it is all about doing a cost benefit analysis.

What is REALLY important to you.

WE on LS can all stir you up to think you need sex daily to be a REAL man, but if that is at the cost of your life as you know it, then is it actually worth it?

You are not at loggerheads with your wife every day, you get along fine, it is only the sex that is missing.

Is it worth blowing up your marriage and family for sex?

Only you know that, only YOU can answer that.

 

Just like in their youth, some older men are fighting off the women, others are pretty much ignored by women. Which one are you?

You need to honestly assess your chances of getting a gf and having the sex you want. If you honestly feel your chances are low, you were never that attractive to the ladies or you have little to offer a woman, then you may blow up your marriage for an impossible dream and you will end up in a lonely bachelor existence, unwanted and unloved.

 

If, on the other hand, you feel you have much to offer a woman and you are popular with women in general, then you may need to take that leap in the dark and go seek out a woman who you desire and more importantly maybe, who desires you.

 

These are hard honest questions.

 

Yes, being rejected for sex, kisses and hugs is not acceptable anymore. Her half a## hugs and kissing me as if she is holding her nose is not acceptable.

 

As for women being attracted to me, there was a time I did very well. I'm older now so I really don't know....

 

Although I dated much, women never really "fell in love with me.." Sure, some way they loved me... but I think it was not real love.. Others who I said I loved did not say they loved me back...

[xyzisnotme]

Something is definitely wrong here! Sex and intimacy is an important part of marriage, if she is good with going 16 years without it, she just doesn't find you attractive anymore.

 

Try to talk it out! Discuss it in a "safe space", no fighting, just putting concerns out... Divorce is a harsh thing for both of you and your teen, but it's better than having a parallel life or cheating.

 

All the best! Keep us posted!

 

Thank you. There is no hope of her changing. She won't. I don't think she can if she wanted to. It's just not in her.

[xyzisnotme]

Are you trying to say you haven't had sex in 16 years? 16? My wife never gone 16 DAYS without sex. Not once. Not even after she gave birth. Maybe the maximum was two weeks, tops. But we were right back at it.

 

 

Why? Why in the world do people stay together in a marriage if there is no sex? Who does this? I get antsy - and my wife does too - if we haven't had sex in 2-3 days. If my alarm wakes me up for work and I wake up with an erection, my wife knows I'm going to slide in a quickie. She encourages it. She actually gets turned on if I just surprise her and wake her up by ripping her pants off. We get each other. All I can say is that sex is the most fun thing in the world. It is like riding the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disney World over and over again. Why would two healthy people rob themselves of that fun?

 

We had sex in our 16 year marriage. But very rarely. It sounds like you have a healthy perspective view in your marriage. I can appreciate that.

[Mr. Lucky]

It's just not in her.

 

xyzisnotme, what's in you? Are you going to live out your remaining years in quiet desperation, never satisfied ?

 

Not how I'd want to spend my remaining time on this earth...

 

Mr. Lucky

[xyzisnotme]

xyzisnotme, what's in you? Are you going to live out your remaining years in quiet desperation, never satisfied ?

 

Not how I'd want to spend my remaining time on this earth...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I understand. I an pretty sure this is the year I change things.

You have to understand, I come from a religious background. Yet, I may be able to get an annulment.

 

I'm not young anymore. Things change this year.

 

I am studying the laws.

[ChevyCamaro]

I think the bible says that the husband is obligated give his wife sex and the wife is obligated to her husband sex if they are to be married. Without sex = no marriage.

 

Is she religious too?

[oldshirt]

Our relationships is fine, just as long as I don't want hugs, kisses or sex.

 

.

 

Then you have a roommate.

 

Hugs, kisses and sexuality are what separates our spouse from the other 7 billion people in the world.

 

If you just want to share the rent and split the household chores and are ok living a life without hugs, kisses, romance and sexuality, then just put an add in the paper for a roommate.

 

But if you want a spouse and an actual MARITAL partner, you are either going to have to find someone else that digs you, or you are going to need to completely transform yourself into someone different that she will happen to dig.

 

Because it is perfectly clear here that she does not dig you sexually at all.

[xyzisnotme]

I think the bible says that the husband is obligated give his wife sex and the wife is obligated to her husband sex if they are to be married. Without sex = no marriage.

 

Is she religious too?

 

Yes, that is in 1 Cor 7. I read that to her and it didn't make a difference.

She claims she is religious. I don't know how religious she really is.

[xyzisnotme]

Then you have a roommate.

 

Hugs, kisses and sexuality are what separates our spouse from the other 7 billion people in the world.

 

If you just want to share the rent and split the household chores and are ok living a life without hugs, kisses, romance and sexuality, then just put an add in the paper for a roommate.

 

But if you want a spouse and an actual MARITAL partner, you are either going to have to find someone else that digs you, or you are going to need to completely transform yourself into someone different that she will happen to dig.

 

Because it is perfectly clear here that she does not dig you sexually at all.

 

It's clear she is not into me. I hope I have begun to stop caring.

[stillafool]

It's clear she is not into me. I hope I have begun to stop caring.

 

There are 12 pages of you acknowledging that your wife doesn't want you sexually. So let me ask what do you plan to do about it in 2017?

[oldshirt]

Yes, that is in 1 Cor 7. I read that to her and it didn't make a difference.

She claims she is religious. I don't know how religious she really is.

 

Dude!! Seriously????

 

The Bible cannot make someone attracted to you or desire you.

 

Having someone read a biblical verse to you is the most unsexy thing on the planet.

 

sexual attraction and desire are deep, animalistic drives and instincts. It's not something that someone can just conjure up when they hear a bible verse.

 

Attraction is not a choice. It's something that happens when someone else has the traits and characteristics and does the behaviors that we find sexually arousing.

 

You do not have those traits and characteristics and you do not do the things that she responds to sexually.

 

There may be someone else out there that will find you attractive and desirable but she doesn't.

 

(and there is not going to be anyone that will get turned on by you preaching bible verses at them to get them to have sex with you)

[Cephalopod]

Yes, that is in 1 Cor 7. I read that to her and it didn't make a difference.

She claims she is religious. I don't know how religious she really is.

 

She isn't. A person either believes in God and His written word or not. There is no in-between in Christianity, whether Catholic or Protestant.

 

What she is is a lazy user. She has used you for financial stability for 16 years and has no intention of giving you any more than what you have taught her you will expect. You taught her to treat you this way, through inaction and acquiescence.

[5x5]

What she is is a lazy user. She has used you for financial stability for 16 years and has no intention of giving you any more than what you have taught her you will expect. You taught her to treat you this way, through inaction and acquiescence.

 

She has not used him for financial stability.

 

Throughout their marriage she has been the primary breadwinner keeping him housed, fed and clothed. Since for much of their marriage the OP has variously been mostly unemployed or underemployed.