Is 16 years of begging for sex too long?

[Cephalopod]

Thank you for not knocking my religious beliefs. But why do you assume just because I am religious I remain in a Middle Ages mentality? Nothing can be further from the truth. It's early so I do not have the brain power to explain.

 

Well what does your priest say? Have you broached the subject with him and told him how unhappy you are? How your wife refuses to do her marital duty?

[Cephalopod]

Everyone says I would be doing my teenager a favor. How? By having my teenager in a fatherless home? Hasn't studies proven that having a teenager grow up without a father in their own home shown the damage it has done?'

 

And as for going out and finding a new woman, well, at my age it's not as easy as it once was. I'm in my 50s. Maybe I am wrong about that. I certainly hope so. But one thing you and I can both agree on. The more things change the more they stay the same. Unless I go through some real changes, which I hope I will, I'll just go out and find myself in the same situation.

 

And are you teaching your child good marriage principles by living in a loveless marriage, where there is no intimacy between his mother and you? Is this what you want your child to learn? That this is normal? That s/he should just accept that kind of treatment from a future spouse?

 

You need to drop this parochial, old-fashioned mindset. Kids today know much more about sex and relationships than we ever did when we were teenagers, and you should be able to sit down and have an intelligent discourse with your teenager about what is expected and appropriate in a marriage, and that what you are living with his/her mother is not the norm.

Edited October 10, 2016 by Cephalopod

[xyzisnotme]

Well what does your priest say? Have you broached the subject with him and told him how unhappy you are? How your wife refuses to do her marital duty?

 

Yes, I told one priest that she said she does not love me and I have been suffering in an almost sexless marriage for 16 years. He said "then why does she stay married to you?" He also said I must be doing something wrong and that if I show her love I will go back to him and tell her she has changed. He doesn't realize I have tried that all and nothing changes her. Another Priest said she is not fulfilling her marriage vows. Another Priest said I should remain chased. Two right answer out of three isn't bad.

[xyzisnotme]

xyzisnotme, your answer isn't finding a "new woman". Passively expecting another person to deliver happiness to you like it was a take-out pizza is the same approach that's kept you in a dysfunctional marriage for 16 years.

 

Work on being a better you. Have values you stand for, boundaries you enforce and qualities you offer. Married or single, the benefits are obvious...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

I totally agree. And I have been working on this for a number of years now.

[Bufo]

Has the College of Cardinals Conclave given a white smoke signal yet?

 

Oddly, I understood its deliberations to be secret under penalty of excommunication. But not here apparently.

 

My take on OPs original question--she has gotten exactly what she wanted for the past 16 years. Tell her it's your turn now.

 

Imagine her shock if you told her, for example, you were tired of working and won't do it any more. Do you think she'd believe your were not keeping up your end if the marriage bargain? Think she'd put up with it for 16 days, much less 16 years?

 

Read Married Mans Sex Life. It could open your eyes.

[oldshirt]

Yes, I told one priest that she said she does not love me and I have been suffering in an almost sexless marriage for 16 years. He said "then why does she stay married to you?" He also said I must be doing something wrong and that if I show her love I will go back to him and tell her she has changed. He doesn't realize I have tried that all and nothing changes her. Another Priest said she is not fulfilling her marriage vows. Another Priest said I should remain chased. Two right answer out of three isn't bad.

 

Priests are probably not the best choice in people to obtain advice and guidance on marital sex problems.

[Cephalopod]

I totally agree. And I have been working on this for a number of years now.

 

How so? By letting your wife treat you like her slave?

[Cephalopod]

Priests are probably not the best choice in people to obtain advice and guidance on marital sex problems.

 

Priests aren't good for advice on anything remotely pertaining to the modern day world. They cannot deviate from dogma at all.

[MJJean]

I'm not knocking your religious beliefs, but the amount of power you allow your church to have over your life is absolutey mind boggling to me. This is the 21st Century, not the Middle Ages.

 

It doesn't matter what of the many faiths a person practices, there are rules governing everyday behavior. Things one is and is not allowed to do.

 

OP's faith merely states that legal divorce does not dissolve a valid marriage and if he is to divorce, he must either remain single or get an Annulment (if he qualifies, which he does) and remarry when he finds a suitable partner.

 

I don't see how that is controlling his life anymore than any other faith that prohibits premarital sex and divorce, of which there are quite a few.

 

This. You do have some very limiting beliefs re: marriage, family, dating, and who you are/what you are capable of achieving for your life. If you are considering making a big change in your life, you would be well served to find a counsellor to help you - because your thinking is a little distorted.

 

This is one of those situations where I would advise him to divorce, which is permitted by his faith under these circumstances, and seek to date Christian women or women of similar faiths that would understand.

 

Priests are probably not the best choice in people to obtain advice and guidance on marital sex problems.

 

Depends. I know a 70 something year old Jesuit that is AMAZING at marital advice.

 

Priests aren't good for advice on anything remotely pertaining to the modern day world. They cannot deviate from dogma at all.

 

See my reply to Oldshirt and add in the last bunch of priests, and one monk, I hung out with were college professors who have traveled the world, been witness to events I've only read about (some of them very dangerous and bloody) and have varied interests and hobbies. The last thing I would accuse any of them of being is not modern.

[BettyDraper]

Priests are probably not the best choice in people to obtain advice and guidance on marital sex problems.

 

One of the reasons I didn't marry in the Catholic church was the Pre Cana classes.

 

I wasn't going to take marriage advice from people who had never been married!

[xyzisnotme]

Has the College of Cardinals Conclave given a white smoke signal yet?

 

Oddly, I understood its deliberations to be secret under penalty of excommunication. But not here apparently.

 

My take on OPs original question--she has gotten exactly what she wanted for the past 16 years. Tell her it's your turn now.

 

Imagine her shock if you told her, for example, you were tired of working and won't do it any more. Do you think she'd believe your were not keeping up your end if the marriage bargain? Think she'd put up with it for 16 days, much less 16 years?

Read Married Mans Sex Life. It could open your eyes.

 

I have read that book. I belonged to the forum a few years ago. I have been dealing with this and seeking help for years. Nothing changes.

[oldshirt]

I have read that book. I belonged to the forum a few years ago. I have been dealing with this and seeking help for years. Nothing changes.

 

Here is a very serious question for you though - you read the book and the forums, but did YOU change any?

[xyzisnotme]

Here is a very serious question for you though - you read the book and the forums, but did YOU change any?

 

Yes I have. I've changed for the better.

[BaileyB]

Yet, you still passively wait around for your wife to change? Is that what you mean when you say "I have read the book, nothing changes." The only person who can change this situation is you.

[oldshirt]

Yes I have. I've changed for the better.

 

In what ways have you changed?

[xyzisnotme]

In what ways have you changed?

 

I'm employed... I have a very good job. Of course, I don't get paid as much as either of us would like.

 

I am in shape.

 

I dress well.

 

I am even tempered.

 

I feel more confident.

 

It does not matter how much I change. She wants the status qua... and that's me out of her way as long as she can get glory at her job... come home.. go back to work... repeat.

[BaileyB]

But, what do you want?

 

We know what she wants. She is happy with the status quo. Ok.

 

If you are not happy, then you have to do something different. Unless you do something different, things will stay the same.

 

It sounds like you have some things in your life going well for you. That's great! If I may, I think the thing that needs to change is not related to your job or your clothes, but inside. The thing that needs to change for the situation to change is that you need to become more assertive and decide that your needs are just as important as her needs in the relationship. This means, if you decide that your needs are not being met, then you need to develop the courage and the strength to do something about that other than passively complain.

 

The best predicitor of future behavior is past behavior. When I read your posts, the thing that jumps out to me is how passive you are in your thinking about the problem/solution. Unless something big in your attitude changes, nothing will change in your marriage.

Edited October 13, 2016 by BaileyB

[road]

Not many women go without sex.

 

 

Your wife's job allows her to go away for long periods of time an act like she is single.

 

 

I think you have a WW having affairs. Time to go detective mode.

 

 

Whether you find out she is not cheating it is time to divorce her. She is not treating you fair.

[xyzisnotme]

Not many women go without sex.

 

 

Your wife's job allows her to go away for long periods of time an act like she is single.

 

 

I think you have a WW having affairs. Time to go detective mode.

 

 

Whether you find out she is not cheating it is time to divorce her. She is not treating you fair.

 

 

What does WW stand for? Does it mean wayward wife?

 

Also, do I do detective work?

[road]

What does WW stand for? Does it mean wayward wife?

 

Also, do I do detective work?

 

 

Yes, and yes, you do the work.

[BaileyB]

You have no reason to think that your wife was having an affair. Many women go without sex, this board is cluttered with men who are married to women who have little or no sex drive. The sad fact is that many middle aged women lose interest in sex, particularly if they are unsatisfied with their marriage.

[Cephalopod]

My vote is she is getting her needs met elsewhere.

[oldshirt]

You have no reason to think that your wife was having an affair. Many women go without sex, this board is cluttered with men who are married to women who have little or no sex drive. The sad fact is that many middle aged women lose interest in sex, particularly if they are unsatisfied with their marriage.

 

That is true, there are middle aged women that lose a lot of libido with menopause.

 

However in order to be prudent and consider all possibilities, one must make an honest, full-faith effort in seeing if there is an outside source of sexuality.

 

If someone is getting it elsewhere, then nothing else that the deprived spouse can do that will make a difference as long as the affair(s) are still in progress.

 

Also, this is not a case where they had an active and satisfying sexlife up until menopause reared it's ugly head. They have basically never had a good married sexlife and this has been going on for alm/ost two decades.

 

This likely a chronic lack of attraction for him.

 

However as was noted earlier, women need love's too and the fact that this has gone on for so long, the chances are really great that at some point along the line she is/was/has been getting it elsewhere.

 

If he were to make a true, honest effort into investigating or were to hire a PI and were to uncover that she has been involved with others, that may finally light the fire under his butt to motive him to actually cut the cord and get out and live life without sitting around begging her for a little attention.

[oldshirt]

You have no reason to think that your wife was having an affair. .

 

And the reason he hasn't had a reason to think she's getting it elsewhere is because he hasn't looked for that reason.

[oldshirt]

 

Also, do I do detective work?

 

Considering the chronic nature of this issue and considering your lack of initiative and passive nature throughout this ordeal, I actually think you should hire an experienced private investigator that specializes in marital infidelity and leave it to a professional.

 

You are a babe in the woods here that has had your head in the sand whereas she has had 16 years to perfect her craft. If she has been fooling around, she is countless steps ahead of you and your attempts at investigating will be no match against her experience.

 

Hire a professional and work with them and see what they dig up.