Curious _ talk about home life

[Chica80]

No, he ended it _ about two months ago. So it's not ongoing. I am bracing myself for his return (physically and emotionally.) He ended it before, and I took him back, so I'm positive he'll do the same again. We do work together. Two days after he ended it he left the country (part of the reason behind his ending it) and has been gone since. From what I understand he'll be working remotely until the beginning of the year _ which is great for me. We still have to email but I keep it to a minimum. In fact I think the number of "direct" work-related emails between us without having other people cc'd has been like two or three. I am doing good in that regard. The details, motivations, sequence of events are a mess, like every other story on here. I am still in denial and in the 'fog' and not quite ready for the LS onslaught of tough love. I hope to be soon and I'll post the whole thing when I am. Still can't PM you am waiting and I'll disclose the blow-by-blow. BTW it's getting late where I am. If I don't respond today it's because I have fallen asleep and will be back on tomorrow to check.

 

No worries. I'm glad you started posting on here. It is helpful. For me we work together as well. It doesn't make it easier.

 

Did he end things because he went home to see his wife?

[Whoknew30]

We both talked about our relationships.

 

If you're having sex with someone & spending time together, I think it's only natural to vent to them. Often the things I said to OM were no different than the way I'd vent to my friends. Now I'm a SAHM that had plenty of time to call friends & discuss things in my life, if i had been working & had been having an A with a coworker, someone I saw more than anyone else, I probably would have opened up even more. I don't know if AP always say bad things just to justify their actions, I think sometimes it's truly just venting to someone their having a personal relationship with. I'm sure some use it as a way to justify but depending on how long long an A has lasted, WS do start to feel close to their AP after a certain amount of time.

[spideywoman]

 

Did he end things because he went home to see his wife?

 

Not quite but in a way, yes. He and his wife had been trying to adopt for years _ a process that started long before he met me and before he moved here. I knew about this from the beginning. He had been torn over the adoption and tried to stop it once _ mainly because his marriage was dying. Add to that the fact that his wife refused to live where he and I live. So after about a year of 'waiting' for the children to be ready, the call came. Two days later they were on a plane to pick up the children. They're back in their own country now trying to get the girls legalized. This will take a while, hence his request to work remotely until the end of the year. So by the time he comes back it'll have been several months. Not sure how this will work out, logistically. He lives here, she lives there. As far as I know there are no preparations for either to move. And whatever. While clearly I am still emotionally invested in this, part of me doesn't care.

 

Still not able to PM I am purposefully being vague since I got paranoid...public forum and all.

[JustJoe]

My AP (now my wife) never spoke ill of her husband. I can't remember her ever mentioning him much at all. Possibly because he was a fairly well known Texas political figure. One of the young guns of Texas Republicans. We really had no reason to worry about him, so there was no need to demonize him. He did enough of it , himself.

[spideywoman]

Thank you, Joe. If you don't mind me asking, were you married as well? If so, what made you leave your marriage, presumably to be with your AP? What was the thought process and how long did it go on for? As you can probably tell I am here in search of information / insight / strength. Input from a male is interesting to me. Thanks again.

[lemondrop21]

I asked to please not speak poorly to me about his wife because it made me uncomfortable. He respected that request.

[elaine567]

I think it depends on the relationship and what the participants have in common as to whether the "marriage" figures prominently or not.

 

Some people in affairs only have the "marriage" in common. Either they are both in unhappy marriages/relationships and are supporting each other or one is "helping" the other deal with their unhappy marriage/relationship.

Once separated/divorced it may all quickly fall apart as there essentially little else holding them together. little else to talk about.

A common foe can be a great bonding tool, take away the foe then what do you have left? Not a lot.

[Daisy2013]

My MM told me his W was a cold fish and selfish. That after they were married, her brothers warned him about her, but she had put on a good show, beforehand. He said her ex-H tried to warn him as well. He said their M is one wherein he provides the paycheck and she spends it, and he has a roof over his head (it was her house). He has 3 now adult children and she had 1. I suppose they had a need in each other at that time, as they were both singles raising kids. I know her (not in a friend way), so know he isn't lying in that dept. He says she questions his silliness when he laughs and calls him ridiculous, and does not support his hobbies or visiting his family.

 

He says he is "playing the game" and it is difficult. It is important to him that his kids see a committed M since they are now marrying. Because he and their mother divorced, he will not go through another, even though they dont like his W and she wasn't loving to them while they were growing up. It was all about her daughter. But, it is his bed to lie in.... If that is what he wants, then I want him to be happy.

[Midwestmissy]

Daisy, so sad he thinks his kids see a committed marriage. They're not stupid. Even my 8 yr old figured it out. Part of the compartmentalizing is convincing themselves that they're discreet. I hope you don't believe his tripe. If he has such distaste for his wife, trust me, he can't hide it. He seems to know how she feels about him. Life's too short for all these head games.

[cocorico]

My then-MM didn't do that, either. We had so many other things to speak about, why would we discuss her?

[Chica80]

Not quite but in a way, yes. He and his wife had been trying to adopt for years _ a process that started long before he met me and before he moved here. I knew about this from the beginning. He had been torn over the adoption and tried to stop it once _ mainly because his marriage was dying. Add to that the fact that his wife refused to live where he and I live. So after about a year of 'waiting' for the children to be ready, the call came. Two days later they were on a plane to pick up the children. They're back in their own country now trying to get the girls legalized. This will take a while, hence his request to work remotely until the end of the year. So by the time he comes back it'll have been several months. Not sure how this will work out, logistically. He lives here, she lives there. As far as I know there are no preparations for either to move. And whatever. While clearly I am still emotionally invested in this, part of me doesn't care.

 

Still not able to PM I am purposefully being vague since I got paranoid...public forum and all.

 

 

Hi Spidey glad you are back...No worries I get being vague. See this is the thing about affairs. It's really hard to know what is true and what is not true.

 

Did he really try to stop adoption. Did he really just want marriage over.....on and on.

 

And everyone will give you their opinion. Based on their experiences. The whys and the questions and the whole mess of it has been the hardest for me to process.

 

Keep posting and talking and reading it helps

[spideywoman]

Hi Spidey glad you are back...No worries I get being vague. See this is the thing about affairs. It's really hard to know what is true and what is not true.

 

Did he really try to stop adoption. Did he really just want marriage over.....on and on.

 

And everyone will give you their opinion. Based on their experiences. The whys and the questions and the whole mess of it has been the hardest for me to process.

 

Keep posting and talking and reading it helps

 

Glad to still be here only been a day but I made it on LS! Ha ha.

 

In my gut _ I'm fairly sure I know what's true and what isn't. Some of it fits the narrative repeated over and over here, some of it doesn't. All I know is what I am feeling and when having rational thoughts (which is more often than you would think _ blessing and a curse!) "our" story is pretty clear to me, the good, the bad and the ugly.

 

I am certain about the adoption. It was difficult for him to grasp the idea even before I came into the picture. How do I know this? We talked about it. Not in the yucky, I am trying to make excuses and justify my actions sort of way. And one day his wife _ whom I also know through here and there but with whom I am by no means friends _ confided in me, rather strangely. She basically said, you know him, you're his friend, you talk to him every day, what do you think? I don't think his heart is in it, she says. I was like uuummmm. WTF do I say now? I just listened politely for about one minute and changed the subject, evaded answering the question. It was most uncomfortable for both of us, to say the least.

 

I don't think he regrets the adoption. I know he wanted fatherhood very much. He had an issue with how it was happening and whether he was OK with it. He didn't have time to process the magnitude of it. And that being said, didn't have the guts to ask for more time to make sure. What will become of these kids, I have no idea. I can only hope he's able to hold it together because he's under tremendous pressure to perform and fulfill obligations (both self-imposed and external.)

 

As for his marriage _ and the original query of my post _ that I don't know for sure because we rarely, barely talked about it and most likely I will never know. It's just a feeling _ not one of rose-colored glasses and wishful thinking type things but a sense I had and still have. It's his prerogative now, not mine.

 

One thing that has become clear_ and that I have sensed for months _ is that's an emotional coward. The adoption, me, everything. He's a walking confused cauldron of emotions who refused to take a step back and evaluate. And he's very deep. Deeper than most men I have known over the years (romantic or otherwise.) His turmoil is palpable and part of me feels sad for him though he probably doesn't deserve it. It was too much, really, now that I think about it. Being on this emotional rollercoaster ride we were both fueling.

 

And as for the opinions / experiences ... why I am here. This place has helped tremendously over the past few months in particular. Makes me see two things: that my situation wasn't really all that special, it was mundane, cliche, run of the mill stuff, really. But it also has highlighted what was special about it.

 

Looking forward to my LS adventures

Edited October 4, 2016 by spideywoman

[noelle303]

xMM would rarely complain about his wife, but I did get a sense (and even more when I look back on it from now) that they hit the tipical marriage snag with boring responsibilities, two toddlers and no fun. I was a new, exciting, shiny distraction who wanted nor expected anything from him. I was 19, extremely self-indulgent and all about having fun. We had an incredible spark and started an affair. Since he saw me as an escape, there was never any reason to mention his wife.

 

I feel like it all depends on the MM's motivation behind his affair, his state of mind, how serious the affair is, what the OW wants, whether the AP's are planning a future and so on. We were never planning a future together so the exact state of his marriage was also irrelevant both to me and for our affair.

Edited October 4, 2016 by noelle303

[Chica80]

Glad to still be here only been a day but I made it on LS! Ha ha.

 

In my gut _ I'm fairly sure I know what's true and what isn't. Some of it fits the narrative repeated over and over here, some of it doesn't. All I know is what I am feeling and when having rational thoughts (which is more often than you would think _ blessing and a curse!) "our" story is pretty clear to me, the good, the bad and the ugly.

 

I am certain about the adoption. It was difficult for him to grasp the idea even before I came into the picture. How do I know this? We talked about it. Not in the yucky, I am trying to make excuses and justify my actions sort of way. And one day his wife _ whom I also know through here and there but with whom I am by no means friends _ confided in me, rather strangely. She basically said, you know him, you're his friend, you talk to him every day, what do you think? I don't think his heart is in it, she says. I was like uuummmm. WTF do I say now? I just listened politely for about one minute and changed the subject, evaded answering the question. It was most uncomfortable for both of us, to say the least.

 

I don't think he regrets the adoption. I know he wanted fatherhood very much. He had an issue with how it was happening and whether he was OK with it. He didn't have time to process the magnitude of it. And that being said, didn't have the guts to ask for more time to make sure. What will become of these kids, I have no idea. I can only hope he's able to hold it together because he's under tremendous pressure to perform and fulfill obligations (both self-imposed and external.)

 

As for his marriage _ and the original query of my post _ that I don't know for sure because we rarely, barely talked about it and most likely I will never know. It's just a feeling _ not one of rose-colored glasses and wishful thinking type things but a sense I had and still have. It's his prerogative now, not mine.

 

One thing that has become clear_ and that I have sensed for months _ is that's an emotional coward. The adoption, me, everything. He's a walking confused cauldron of emotions who refused to take a step back and evaluate. And he's very deep. Deeper than most men I have known over the years (romantic or otherwise.) His turmoil is palpable and part of me feels sad for him though he probably doesn't deserve it. It was too much, really, now that I think about it. Being on this emotional rollercoaster ride we were both fueling.

 

And as for the opinions / experiences ... why I am here. This place has helped tremendously over the past few months in particular. Makes me see two things: that my situation wasn't really all that special, it was mundane, cliche, run of the mill stuff, really. But it also has highlighted what was special about it.

 

Looking forward to my LS adventures

 

I'm glad you are here. Yes I know what you mean.

 

I can see the progression of things. Or the ups and downs. All the dynamics that are part of an A. That are the same. That resonate with mostly all of us here.

 

Then there's the other the ones that don't fit. The ones that are just mine.

 

I don't believe all A are the same. Nor that all people that are in affairs are just selfish uncaring jerks.

Are some men just in it for sex. Yes. Are some OW just golddigging w****s. Sure. The clichés are clichés for a reason. BUT they do not apply to every situation nor every person.

Our stories are our own. They are our lessons to learn.

 

When you feel safe and are ready you can share more.

 

I also expect you might have roller coaster days. Just like in the A. Days where you are angry or sad or nostalgic. Hang in there.

Lots of hugs your way.