browneyedgirl81 Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 I just wanted to say hello. I came here with some hope to find support from others in a similar situation. My divorce was final about a month ago. I first started the process almost a year ago and am feeling similar to how I felt back then. It's just all so real now that it's final. I initiated it, I felt I had no choice, but am still very sad over it and am grieving what I wish we were, not what actually was. I'm not really asking for advice at this point but just wanted to say hi and give a quick summary before I jump in. -K 1 Link to post Share on other sites
klegacy Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 Not to pry, but what was it that initiated it? Why did you feel you had no choice? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author browneyedgirl81 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 He's an addict, an alcoholic, and had become abusive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
planning4later Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 He's an addict, an alcoholic, and had become abusive. Was he all 3 of these prior to marrying him? Link to post Share on other sites
Author browneyedgirl81 Posted October 3, 2016 Author Share Posted October 3, 2016 We met when we were only 16. This all happened very slowly over 18 years. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bufo Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 Addicted abusive and alcoholic. Hmmmmm..... A real Triple A rated guy. (Sorry, sometimes I just can't help myself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Satu Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 Welcome to Loveshack, browneyedgirl81. Gad you've joined us 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 Good for you. You cannot fix an alcoholic. He has to do that himself plus he can never drink again. As they get older it gets worse as their health begins to deteriorate. He'll start wetting the bed, etc. Wish him the best of luck but you have no choice if you want a life. I am sorry for you but if he has a chance to kick this it'll be because you left him. Most have to hit tick bottom first. Please do not feel bad about this. You having the courage to leave may be his only hope. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted October 3, 2016 Share Posted October 3, 2016 Don't sugar coat it. Tell him I left you because you're a drunk. He needs to hear that. Link to post Share on other sites
Logan787 Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 Are you having trouble moving on and letting go? That is understandable. You seem to be in a state of disorientation. The feeling one would have when they have fallen off or jumped off of a horse that was running wild and they just didn't want to go where it was leading them or the ride was way to bumpy. In this state, if this truly describes you, one must do three things to move on. 1. Get Up - You must first get up, and this would simply mean you must accept what has happened and decide consciously that you are going to CHOOSE to think on something else and get your mind off of your divorce. To get up, means that you will decide to move on and let go of the past I'm sure you have already maybe tried to do this and it is not as easy as it seems, but you must decide that it is time and stop wallowing in "what could have been". Taking up a hobby, hanging out with friends, exercising, are just a few examples of some of the things that you could do. Just for one DECIDE that you ACCEPT that the marriage didn't work, and CHOOSE to move forward. I think you are kind of stuck, and need to get unstuck. Shake it off. Like an airplane taking off on a cloudy day you must rise above the clouds to see that the sun is ALWAYS there. Make that choice. 2. Dust Yourself Off - Symbolically this means of dusting off everything that the divorce has attached to you. The dirt of a sense of failure, guilt, making a bad choice in marriage partner, and maybe low self esteem. Choose to dust these things off of you, by not thinking on them, understanding that we all have flaws, and that you are not the first person in the history of mankind to be divorced. It just didn't work out, and you are going to LEARN from this and be a better and wiser person. Trust me, if you don't allow all the negative feelings to stick to you, you will be a much better and wiser person for it, and also IT WILL KEEP YOU FROM MAKING THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN. 3. Move On - Consciously do something that progresses your life forward. Something that tells you life is good, you still have your whole life ahead of you, and that you are going to be happier and more whole in the future. Doing something that gives you a feeling of accomplishment will help you to do this. Again, hobbies, maybe taking an art class(even if you can't draw or sculpt, or have any artistic talent), planting flowers, or just something that results in some kind of tangible fulfillment that you would have something to show for, would really help you in this I believe. Heck, you might could write down your thoughts and story, and write a best selling book from your experiences, who knows. To sum it up, MOVE ON, and don't get stuck in your divorce depression. After falling off of that horse, if you you don't get up, eventually you might be ran over by another horse somewhere down the line. Hope this helps. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Justme75 Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 I am recently separated as well. Reading your post really reminds me of how I am feeling right now. We have been together almost 16 years on NY's and married for 14 in May. We've had alot of ups and downs the latest of our married years... The last 3 or so have been the most with struggle, we've seen a MC as well and it helped for a while. But I don't think he was entirely honest how he was feeling. July he told me he wanted to separate but we have tried being separated in our house for 3 months now and he'll be moving out next weekend. It's just too painful to see him daily knowing he is so distant and devoid of any emotional connection to me. he doesn't see our marriage getting any better, there is no other woman either. I really do know how you are feeling and what you are going through. It's a pain indescribable, almost paralyzing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Logan787 Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 I am recently separated as well. Reading your post really reminds me of how I am feeling right now. We have been together almost 16 years on NY's and married for 14 in May. We've had alot of ups and downs the latest of our married years... The last 3 or so have been the most with struggle, we've seen a MC as well and it helped for a while. But I don't think he was entirely honest how he was feeling. July he told me he wanted to separate but we have tried being separated in our house for 3 months now and he'll be moving out next weekend. It's just too painful to see him daily knowing he is so distant and devoid of any emotional connection to me. he doesn't see our marriage getting any better, there is no other woman either. I really do know how you are feeling and what you are going through. It's a pain indescribable, almost paralyzing. JustMe, have you Posted about this? I am curious because your story sounds really different than the ones I'm used to reading about. Would love to know more and see if I could offer some good advice. You could just reply with your story in this thread if you like. Hope things start lookin up for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Pete2304 Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 I am recently separated as well. Reading your post really reminds me of how I am feeling right now. We have been together almost 16 years on NY's and married for 14 in May. We've had alot of ups and downs the latest of our married years... The last 3 or so have been the most with struggle, we've seen a MC as well and it helped for a while. But I don't think he was entirely honest how he was feeling. July he told me he wanted to separate but we have tried being separated in our house for 3 months now and he'll be moving out next weekend. It's just too painful to see him daily knowing he is so distant and devoid of any emotional connection to me. he doesn't see our marriage getting any better, there is no other woman either. I really do know how you are feeling and what you are going through. It's a pain indescribable, almost paralyzing. The last six months or so of what was a dreadfully slow death of my marriage was mainly me holding on to the edge of a cliff by my fingernails and I knew it and of course eventually it's happened. I think in some ways a slow decline can be more painful because every day you wake up with just that little bit of hope still left and yet everyday you have to realise all over again you aren't going to fix it when another stupid argument or you get yet another cold response when you try and sort things. Then the morning comes and you try all over again. You should post your story. If nothing else, might not hurt you to get it off your chest. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Pete2304 Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 I just wanted to say hello. I came here with some hope to find support from others in a similar situation. My divorce was final about a month ago. I first started the process almost a year ago and am feeling similar to how I felt back then. It's just all so real now that it's final. I initiated it, I felt I had no choice, but am still very sad over it and am grieving what I wish we were, not what actually was. I'm not really asking for advice at this point but just wanted to say hi and give a quick summary before I jump in. -K Might as well tell people the whole take from start to finish. Doesn't matter if it's long winded, it will get read and even if it's not advice you want, a friendly ear and knowing you aren't on your own can be a bit of comfort. I speak from experience, enough people here have been kind enough to read and respond to my very long winded take about my marriage and it has helped, even if only a little, but better than not at all. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Hi Brown eyed, sorry to see you here. This is a place for sorrowing, desperate people and I guess anyone of the many who come here for comfort would really like to be some place else. Just to digress for a moment, but your moniker reminded me of the Waylon Jennings song, " Brown eyed handsome man" one of the songs on his album " Singer of Sad Songs". The title of the album seems appropriate to your situation! I did want to ask you whether your husband was both a drug addict and an alcoholic? You say that he became like this slowly, over a period of 18 years. Can you explain how it happened, what were the circumstances which led your husband to abuse substances and alcohol and did you notice this happening in the early stages? If so did you try and get him professional help when it could have made a difference or did you just turn a blind eye to it all hoping that it would all sort itself out? Do you have children together and if so, how old are they? Most important, did you love your husband through all the turmoil or did your love gradually die out? Are you employed and able to take care of yourself and your children, if any? Is your husband employed ? Would you still be in any way, concerned about your husband's welfare or was your divorce one with a bitter ending? Guess answers to some of these ques5ions will help the good folk here offer you more and better, focussed advice than otherwise. I think Logan has given you good advice, which although generic is the direction you should be travelling on. One thing you shouldn't do is to get into another relationship on the rebound. In fact steer clear of such a relationship although you may like to reach out to someone one for emotional support especially if this person has been a long standing friend. Certainly seek support but maintain your boundaries, at least till you have finished grieving your marriage that was and moved past it. I am sure you will find a lot of people here who have experienced more or less the same thing as you and have come through on the other side successfully. They would be able to give you valuable advice. Keep asking. Cheers. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted October 12, 2016 Share Posted October 12, 2016 Hi Brown eyed, how are you doing? They say no news is good news but sometimes, as in your case, I think it may just be the opposite. Posting here as Pete2304 has said may be very therapeutic for you. It will allow you to get all those painful thoughts out in the open and once there they will tend to lose their sting. If you keep it bottled up inside you, not only will it make you feel worse but you will miss out on the wealth of good advice and empathy that the good folk on this forum can provide you. Remember that most of the folk here who respond to your posts are people who have gone through their own private hell and have come out the other side successfully. They may have made mistakes on the way but then they will be able to warn you of the pitfalls and guide you through the minefields that you will encounter so that you do not make the same mistakes as them. As always, wishing you the very best. Cheers! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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