In a long term relationship but I have developed a crush.

[regarding love]

Hey everyone, I hope you are all well.

 

I am creating this thread to seek any advice or opinions anyone can offer, even if critical of me and my situation.

 

I am in my mid 20's and have been dating my Girlfriend for well over six years, both in our first real relationship together.

She is the sweetest, most understanding and most caring girl I have met and we support each other through tough times and plan on moving in together in the near future.

 

However recently I have developed a crush on a work colleague and it has been causing me a lot of guilt and stress.

 

I met this girl (my colleague/friend) over a year ago and was immediately attracted to her, she was quiet in person but confident in the way that she dressed. I became friends with her over the months (unintentionally) and we developed a fun working relationship, since we were both in committed relationships I assume we were comfortable with one another.

Eventually somehow through the jokes, chats and lifts home I developed a minor crush on her. I felt guilty of course and confided in a friend and I decided to distance myself and not be as "friendly" or "flirtatious" around her, coincidentally she also did the same. We ended up moving to different areas within our company and never saw each other again.

 

However I bumped in to her on break several months ago and we begun chatting and eventually met periodically throughout various days in the working week, where she confided in me that she had split with her boyfriend. After which I felt we became closer, she was more honest and open about herself and wanted my advice, help and often telling me which guy she found hot and who flirted with her at parties ect. Why the latter was important to me I don't know.

 

Eventually after several months we just stopped speaking to one another for no reason. Almost avoiding one another whenever possible. I felt like it was for the best as my girlfriend deserved better.

 

I haven't spoken to her since and kinda miss speaking with her, just as a friend. She sat alone at break last week, avoiding me whilst I was sat with a male friend and I felt sorry for her and wanted to see if she were okay, however I didn't want to get involved once again. I didn't think I had upset her but I may have.

 

I still feel guilty as I love my girlfriend and although we are not as psychical with each other as much recently I do still appreciate how lucky I am to be with her. I just can't shake the little crush I have on my work friend and the notion of weather she has a little crush on me also, or if I mistook her flirtatious attitude.

 

What should I do guys, I know I'm a jerk.

 

I tried to express how I feel but will elaborate in the comments below if I can.

 

Thanks

[Space Ritual]

You are not the first one this has happened to and you won't be the last.

 

That being said, If you had to write in and post about it, then you already know the answer.

 

So does your current GF of 6 years know about this other young woman?

 

If not, I think it best you tell her so she can be fully informed about who it is that she is dating.

 

Basically what it comes down to is that you've feel you've grown complacent in your current relationship, perhaps due to lack of intimacy. And you are coming up on a Seven Year Itch because this other girl feels like a potential soulmate to you and you have a boner for her.

 

Well although their is nothing wrong with that, you would better off being honest with your current GF, and tell her verbatim what you wrote here.

 

That should solve your dilemma quite quickly.

 

Come on man, this is the stuff of Junior High School and bad romance novels. Either be honest and quit your current relationship or don't. But do not be surprised if you do make the switch that the new GF ends up not being all that, and a bag of potato chips. So make sure which way you choose, that you choose wisely. And don't drag it out.

 

This is what happens when you have not much experience in the real world of inexact outcomes.

 

Good Luck.

[camillalev]

Crushes can be innocent if its kept in check but it's a slippery slope. Sounds like you're basically on the road to a "we were talking and hanging out and one thing lead to another and we accidentally hooked up" type of situation.

 

Maybe the reason you're not feeling so "psychical" with your GF as much these days is because you're too busy being infatuated with your coworker.

 

Break up with your girlfriend, she deserves better.

[DM_Anna]

Hi Regarding Love,

 

As Space Ritual said you will not be the first nor the last this has happened to.

 

Workplace crushes in my experience are fairly common. Usually revolving around the amount of time you spend together whilst at work and that the business you work in is something you 'both share in common'.

 

Do you feel the lack of intimacy between you and your girlfriend is making you feel this way?

 

If so, perhaps sitting down and discussing how you feel with your girlfriend may be a far better route for you to take at first.

 

Let us know how you get on.

 

Anna

[NeotericJack]

... I still feel guilty as I love my girlfriend and although we are not as psychical with each other as much recently I do still appreciate how lucky I am to be with her. I just can't shake the little crush I have on my work friend and the notion of weather she has a little crush on me also, or if I mistook her flirtatious attitude.

 

What should I do guys, I know I'm a jerk.

 

I tried to express how I feel but will elaborate in the comments below if I can.

 

Thanks

 

Why are you punishing yourself?

 

You are an autonomous human being who is responsible for his own well-being. You deserve fulfillment. Make a choice and do what you have to do.

[Kelley]

Just because you are in a relationship or married doesn't mean you stop being attracted to other people. The difference is being in a relationship you don't cross the line! It's the price you pay for being part of a couple! If you are really that interested, break off your 6 year relationship and give it a go. I will tell you this though, if the grass always looks greener on the other side, try watering your own grass first

[Standard-Fare]

I don't think you've done/are doing anything seriously "wrong" here.

 

Crushes can develop out of nowhere, even when you're in a relationship - that's not your fault. And although you've maybe played around with this flirtation a little more than you should have, it sounds like overall you've consciously taken steps to keep things in check.

 

You have to just continue with that mentality of restraint. It shouldn't be that hard to accomplish since you don't see the coworker on a regular basis anymore.

 

When you do see her, you don't have to be totally cold - you can wave hello or maybe engage in some minor chit-chat. Treat her as you would any coworker you're friendly with. But you shouldn't get to the point of worrying about "upsetting" her by not paying her attention... that's putting her on a different type of pedestal.

[Grapesofwrath]

Attraction to other people is a normal, healthy thing. The issue is how you choose to behave in response to those feelings.

 

In your case it sounds like you created distance from your crush to avoid temptation. There is nothing wrong with that, and in fact there is a lot right with it. Keep doing that. The crush feelings will fade.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well lets see. You're mid 20's and you've been dating your current GF for 6 years which means you've been 'committed' since you were 19 or 20.

 

You've never had a chance to be a young man and do what young men do - spread their wings and date different girls, etc. etc. Same for her, she's never experienced doing what a young woman does, either. This is the result of being in a committed relationship way too young.

 

Eventually it catches up to you.

[Leigh 87]

Well lets see. You're mid 20's and you've been dating your current GF for 6 years which means you've been 'committed' since you were 19 or 20.

 

You've never had a chance to be a young man and do what young men do - spread their wings and date different girls, etc. etc. Same for her, she's never experienced doing what a young woman does, either. This is the result of being in a committed relationship way too young.

 

Eventually it catches up to you.

 

Yeah I think 20 is way too young to commence a life long relationship.

 

Yes there are exceptions; my parents being one.

 

But it is rarely a good thing to get tied down at such a young age. It just isn't ideal. People almost ALWAYS desire to experience some variety prior to settling down.

 

And while it is normal to feel chemistry while in a relationship ( with other people) you should feel secure enough in your relationship to not even let that bug you.

 

I have a silly crush on a man from my past; but I acknowledge that the crush is due to a few reasons that basically have no real appeal to me. The initial chemistry I felt for my bf was stronger than it was with my so called crush, and yeah. It is honestly nothing I even need to ever write about or tell anyone in my life because there is just no doubt that my partber is right for me.

 

The initial butterflies and euphoria dissipate. If you ever had great sparks to begin with and you genuinly click on all levels.... if you really are best friends, then when you feel chemistry with new women, which WILL happen occasionally... then you will think back to that same buzz you ALSO felt for your gf once upon a time.

 

Is it worth giving up a partner everytime you feel chemistry, despite the initial rush never lasting long term?

 

I think the main limiting factors are: getting together at a young age, or never actually experiencing chemistry to begin with. It makes sense that if you never fell hard or head over heels for your long term girl, then of course you ae going to feel ripped off when a girl comes along who you are infatuated with.

 

When I think of my crush, I always know how I also felt that exact same feeling for my current bf. So it is just a chemical phenommenon for ne personally, that I never had to bypass with my current.

[smackie9]

You have been with her for 6 years and you are not married yet??? This is telling. I don't buy the excuses such as: not financially secure, waiting to graduate, working on a career, saving for the wedding, etc. People will get married because they want to anything less than that, you are dragging your heels, the hesitation is there, fear of how permanent it will be.

 

Yes we will have crushes through out our lives which is normal BUT your situation is not a crush, it was an emotional affair. You over stepped your boundaries. If your GF was doing the same thing, feeling the same way for a guy she worked with, you would find yourself devastated, and feeling deceived. Just because sex wasn't involved doesn't mean it wasn't cheating.

 

The reason for the lack of attraction to your GF was because you were transferring your focus on this girl.

 

Maybe this incident happened for a reason. Ask yourself: is it time to move on from your GF? Is it time to revive the romance in your relationship? Don't waste this opportunity to reassess your relationship.

[Osmium13]

try watering your own grass first

 

 

Good advice. Just don't do it drunk at 4am with your own hose - you might get arrested.

[regarding love]

Thank you all for your honest replies to my thread. I honestly appreciate your views and opinions on this matter.

 

I have basically avoided contact with the girl at work and she appeared to have done the same, perhaps an occasional glance towards one another but nothing more.

I did realise however that I still felt/feel those butterflies in my stomach for her. We did have the briefest of chats today, a simple "how are you getting on?".

 

I have been thinking through ways in which my current relationship may have fallen from where it was to where it currently is.

To start with both my girlfriend and I suffer from minor (very rarely more so) mental health issues (anxiety related) which can make us more moody and introllarable towards one another. Although we do help each other through difficult times when we have them.

 

Secondly and I feel most importantly is the lack of sex. If I am being too blunt I apologise, it may be worth mentioning though. She has an issue that causes her a horrible amount of pain during, this in turn means that we have had lack of sex for several years, yes several years. She is beautiful to me but sadly I feel this issue knocks her confidence, although we do enjoy exploring other areas with each other. Sadly her anxiety prevents her from seeking help.

 

I feel lastly that we find each other more irritable than in most previous years, little things about one another annoy us. I think all the little things add up perhaps.

 

We do still have great times and enjoy being with one another for the most part but I do feel the issues expressed above are wearing the rope thin. I want her so desperately to seek help with our sex issue but I cannot push too hard with her anxiety. I know the difficulty.

 

I would love to hear any advice from you guys if possible.

 

Kind regards

 

"Regarding Love".

[Space Ritual]

Have you had serious discussions about the above listed issues?

 

I suffer from Acute Anxiety, terribly in fact, on top of other mental issues. However that has never stopped me from being communicative in any of my relationships.

 

If sex is painful for her has she seen a doctor?

 

Also, a long term relationship is an audition for a life together. If you cannot communicate your issues at this point after a number of years together, then you should probably explore leaving her. I say that because it is not fair to either of you in any way, shape or form if you feel hesitant to have an open discussion with your GF. If you cannot communicate, then you leave her so she can be with someone who can.

 

I'll be honest, your update sounds like a lot of excuses.

 

What have YOU done to address these issues and improve the relationship.?

 

Remember what Epictetus said:

 

"If any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone."

[ExpatInItaly]

If she won't get help for the problems she's experiencing with anxiety and sex, there's not much you can do.

 

If sex is painful, the bottom line is that she needs to see a doctor. There might be something medically up with her which needs to be looked at.

[regarding love]

I have spoken to her about these issues several times. The issue regarding sex has been brought up many times over the years. She wants to address the issue but is far too anxious about seeing a Doctor over such things.

 

We are pretty open about each other's issues and many are fixed but these continue to stay the same regardless of the amount of chats we have about them.

 

I can't force her and I want to support her but I also can't be without sex through my life.

[Space Ritual]

I have spoken to her about these issues several times. The issue regarding sex has been brought up many times over the years. She wants to address the issue but is far too anxious about seeing a Doctor over such things.

 

We are pretty open about each other's issues and many are fixed but these continue to stay the same regardless of the amount of chats we have about them.

 

I can't force her and I want to support her but I also can't be without sex through my life.

 

No you are right, you can't force her. So I guess you are at Loggerheads, so obviously you now know the next step.

 

It is time to move on. So you might as well break up.

[redbaron007]

...

Secondly and I feel most importantly is the lack of sex. If I am being too blunt I apologise, it may be worth mentioning though. She has an issue that causes her a horrible amount of pain during, this in turn means that we have had lack of sex for several years, yes several years. She is beautiful to me but sadly I feel this issue knocks her confidence, although we do enjoy exploring other areas with each other. Sadly her anxiety prevents her from seeking help.

...

 

Crikey...that is the worst thing that can happen to a healthy young male in his 20's...hot girlfriend he is unable to have sex with...

 

Actually the solution is pretty simple: she needs to understand that she needs to get over her anxiety and have the medical issue addressed/treated asap so you guys can enjoy a healthy sex life OR she should understand that you are entitled to a healthy sex life and should be open to you pursuing other relationships. Good luck, mate!

[Joga_31]

Just because you are in a relationship or married doesn't mean you stop being attracted to other people. The difference is being in a relationship you don't cross the line! It's the price you pay for being part of a couple! If you are really that interested, break off your 6 year relationship and give it a go. I will tell you this though, if the grass always looks greener on the other side, try watering your own grass first

 

This is very true. I love it

[Kkristine]

Your story is the same story of my ex. He ended up cheating on me with her, and they have been together since.

 

Figure out who you want and stop talking to the person you don't choose. Completely.

 

The reason my ex cheated was because he thought our relationship wasn't progressing anymore, when in reality, he was the one who stopping working on it because of his hyper focus on a crush at work.

[regarding love]

Thanks for your replies.

 

In my opinion we both kinda stopped working on our relationship, not just me. In all honesty it's the relationship I have that I really want, for it to be special.

 

I know that my work colleague and I won't be together for very long if we ever were to get together. We are very different in so many ways. I don't want to have these feelings for her, I don't want to be conflicted but I just am..

 

My work colleague has been cold towards me, she'll glance towards me several times when she thinks I am not looking, she'll try to avoid looking at me if I speak to her friends and pretend to do something else. I don't know if she likes me but from that example I highly doubt she does.

 

The reason I am not making any decisions is because I am trying to work at things with my GF and just see the colleague as a crush that will fade.