For all the dudes online who are just looking for nookie

[AMJ]

Generally if most of the guys you're picking through OLD it likely has more to do with what you're attracted to then it does with anything else. The example you cited is such a great one. A minimal effort profile and that's someone you picked to talk to.

 

Relationship oriented guys are going to put more effort into their profiles and will likely talk about their values and actually say in their profiles that they're looking for a relationship. But you might not be attracted to those guys.

 

That could be true. I usually think long profiles just mean high maintenance and self-centered, but you could be right.

[katiegrl]

I suppose there are women out there who are nut jobs and cling to any man because they are really needy, insecure, feel like they need a relationship to breathe, whatever.

 

No I think it's the opposite (at least in my case).

 

We are secure, confident, and don't get all worked up about the **** guys say to us early on.

 

We either ignore, toss it back and have fun with it. We're fun and playful.

 

We're not presumptuous and assume to know what his priorities are.

 

If we click and feel a good vibe, we date and see how and where it goes.

 

If it leads to something serious, fabulous. If not, that's okay too.

 

We are in control of our bodies.

 

We love sex and are not hung up on how many dates there has been before we have it or anything else.

 

We love men (for the most part ...lol) and give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

We realize that there is a lot of testing and gauging of reactions early on so don't get all twisted up because of something he said.

 

We don't react. We either let it roll off, or we just toss it back. This usually has the effect of throwing them off. LOL

 

Some people call it a game, I like to call it a dance, with lots of different nuances.

 

It can actually be fun if you play it right.

 

We try understanding the man's perspective and don't make it all about us.

 

Again, this is my attitude which has served me very very well.

[xxoo]

You're inevitably going to run into all kinds, whether IRL or online. What's important is to hone your screening skills and let the inappropriate guys go. No analyzing, no judgment, just gone. Clear the riff-raff so that you can find your good match. Every guy you screen out brings you one step closer to the keeper.

[AMJ]

No I think it's the opposite (at least in my case).

 

We are secure, confident, and don't get all worked up about the **** guys say to us early on.

 

We either ignore, toss it back and have fun with it. We're fun and playful.

 

We're not presumptuous and assume to know what his priorities are.

 

If we click and feel a good vibe, we date and see how and where it goes.

 

If it leads to something serious, fabulous. If not, that's okay too.

 

We are in control of our bodies.

 

We love sex and are not hung up on how many dates there has been before we have it or anything else.

 

We love men (for the most part ...lol) and give them the benefit of the doubt.

 

We realize that there is a lot of testing and gauging of reactions early on so don't get all twisted up because of something he said.

 

We don't react. We either let it roll off, or we just toss it back. This usually has the effect of throwing them off. LOL

 

Some people call it a game, I like to call it a dance, with lots of different nuances.

 

It can actually be fun if you play it right.

 

We try understanding the man's perspective and don't make it all about us.

 

Again, this is my attitude which has served me very very well.

 

Me saying his priorities are backwards was playful, and he thought it was funny. I can be pretty sassy so if a guy can't handle that, better know sooner rather than later. I do take things people say pretty seriously though. It depends on the person, because some people think without speaking. But with OLD you have time to sit there and think about what exactly you want to say to that person, so words do matter. At least to me. And I dunno Katie, I've learned the hard way about not paying attention to things early on. If taking them seriously makes me less playful, that's okay.

 

I don't really think I got all bent out of shape when I responded to him, I was just being honest. I didn't call him a scumbag or anything. I wanted to say 'you are not nearly good looking enough to talk to women like this' but that would have been rude. I'm not upset that this guy wants to sleep with me. But the way he said it was insulting. I'd never say something like that to a guy unless he gave me an open invitation somehow.

[Popsicle]

I think it's great that he was being honest and straightforward. You can weed them out quickly that way.

[AMJ]

As you should move on. Not wasting any more time and energy on Nate (and guys like him) is a smart move on your part.

 

However, what I am curious about is--which guys do you decide to write back? That could be a big part of things too. As mentioned before, the more relationship-oriented guys tend to have longer, more thought-out profiles.

 

Not many guys have long profiles. But some do write things that imply they want a relationship or even say so plainly. I'm not really sure how to explain which guys I decide to talk to. I think about the men in my life that I consider to be good people, and guess what their profile would be like, and search for that. Or guys who seem interesting to me for any reason, and I want to know more.

[katiegrl]

Me saying his priorities are backwards was playful, and he thought it was funny. I can be pretty sassy so if a guy can't handle that, better know sooner rather than later.

 

I do take things people say pretty seriously though. It depends on the person, because some people think without speaking. But with OLD you have time to sit there and think about what exactly you want to say to that person, so words do matter. At least to me.

 

And I dunno Katie, I've learned the hard way about not paying attention to things early on. If taking them seriously makes me less playful, that's okay.

 

 

Also my experience but most men LOVE sassy!

 

Hell I am the queen of sassy and cheeky! LOL

 

So you're all good on that front.

 

I dunno, maybe I have been lucky, but I have had pretty good experiences for the most part.

 

Never had a guy "just" want sex, never been faded on or ghosted.

 

And to clarify, I always pay VERY CLOSE ATTENTION to both a man's actions AND his words. Always always always.

 

I just don't allow some of the stuff they say early on to affect me too much. Lots of testing and gauging of reactions going on.

 

But then again, I don't know what I want either when I first meet a particular guy, I have to see how we vibe and then play it by ear. So maybe that's why.

 

I am super perceptive and can tell pretty early on if a guy is "gaming" me or insincere or just a a$$. And if that's the case I next him, immediately.

 

But not cause he said something like "I'm not looking for anything serious."

 

Not sure if you read this, but my ex wasn't looking for anything serious when we met as he was only a few months out of a LTR.

 

But on second date, he asked to be exclusive. There was such an intense chemistry between us from the getgo, that we both went with, and had sex the first night we met.

 

Honestly, I never even expected to hear from him again which would have been OKAY too. I mean I would have been disappointed as I REALLY liked him, but I didn't expect it and would have survived if he hadn't. And NOT regretted the experience.

 

But he DID call the next day and we were together for six years.

 

Maybe that is why I have the attitude I do when men say such things.

 

Cause I know no matter what they say when you first meet, that can ALL change once they start dating you and getting to know you.

 

That said, I DO respect your experiences too, and believe you should do what feels right for YOU.

 

We all should.

Edited October 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[AMJ]

Also my experience but most men LOVE sassy!

 

Hell I am the queen of sassy and cheeky! LOL

 

So you're all good on that front.

 

I dunno, maybe I have been lucky, but I have had pretty good experiences for the most part.

 

Never had a guy "just" want sex, never been faded on or ghosted.

 

And to clarify, I always pay VERY CLOSE ATTENTION to both a man's actions AND his words. Always always always.

 

I just don't allow some of the stuff they say early on to affect me too much. Lots of testing and gauging of reactions going on.

 

But then again, I don't know what I want either when I first meet a particular guy, I have to see how we vibe and then play it by ear. So maybe that's why.

 

I am super perceptive and can tell pretty early on if a guy is "gaming" me or insincere or just a a$$. And if that's the case I next him, immediately.

 

But not cause he said something like "I'm not looking for anything serious."

 

Not sure if you read this, but my ex wasn't looking for anything serious when we met as he was only a few months out of a LTR.

 

But on second date, he asked to be exclusive. There was such an intense chemistry between us from the getgo, that we both went with, and had sex the first night we met.

 

Honestly, I never even expected to hear from him again which would have been OKAY too. I mean I would have been disappointed as I REALLY liked him, but I didn't expect it and would have survived if he hadn't. And NOT regretted the experience.

 

But he DID call the next day and we were together for six years.

 

Maybe that is why I have the attitude I do when men say such things.

 

Cause I know no matter what they say when you first meet, that can ALL change once they start dating you and getting to know you.

 

That said, I DO respect your experiences too, and believe you should do what feels right for YOU.

 

We all should.

 

I understand what you're saying. While I don't know if I wanted a relationship or not with Nate either, I do know that I don't want to just hook up with him, even though he promised me that he's great in bed..lol. So, he's not worth my time.

 

 

I just wanted to know from men if this strategy works well for them or not. Because lots of guys are certainly trying it out.

[katiegrl]

 

I understand what you're saying. While I don't know if I wanted a relationship or not with Nate either, I do know that I don't want to just hook up with him, even though he promised me that he's great in bed..lol. So, he's not worth my time.

 

 

 

Fair enough.

 

Solution: Then DON'T "hook up" with him. Simple as that. YOU are in control of that AMJ, no one else. But if you like him and are vibing well with him, why not continue to date him for awhile? A couple more dates?

 

As I said, once he gets to know YOU, he just may end up wanting something more substantive with you. Which was what happened in my case with my ex.

 

Now if you don't feel chemistry or that you're vibing well with him, or if he seems like an insincere, insecure a-hat, then just next him.

 

That said, when men tell you they are great in bed, they're usually not. JMO on that though.

 

When men are GREAT in bed, there is no need to announce it. They have nothing to prove to you or anyone else.

 

They are confident and secure enough (within themselves) to allow you to figure that out for yourself, should you both choose to "go there."

 

So for me, I would be more inclined to next him cause of that comment, more so than the "I'm not looking for anything serious" comment.

 

So in his case, me thinks you did the right thing.

Edited October 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[AMJ]

Fair enough.

 

Solution: Then DON'T "hook up" with him. Simple as that. YOU are in control of that AMJ, no one else. But if you like him and are vibing well with him, why not continue to date him for awhile? A couple more dates?

 

As I said, once he gets to know YOU, he just may end up wanting something more substantive with you. Which was what happened in my case with my ex.

 

Now if you don't feel chemistry or that you're vibing well with him, or if he seems like an insincere, insecure a-hat, then just next him.

 

That said, when men tell you they are great in bed, they're usually not. JMO on that though.

 

When men are GREAT in bed, there is no need to announce it. They have nothing to prove to you or anyone else.

 

They are confident and secure enough (within themselves) to allow you to figure that out for yourself, should you both choose to "go there."

 

So for me, I would be more inclined to next him cause of that comment, more so than the "I'm not looking for anything serious" comment.

 

So in his case, me thinks you did the right thing.

 

Oh I never went out with him! We talked online super briefly- what I typed up in that earlier post is pretty much the entire conversation from start to finish.

 

And yes- very desperate sounding to tell a woman you're great in bed. Who says that!? I think- um yeah right, you're probably terrible.

 

One of the other guys I"m talking to also says he doesn't want a relationship. I'm more interested to meet him though, because he's actually trying to get to know me and hasn't said anything stupid yet.

[katiegrl]

Oh I never went out with him! We talked online super briefly- what I typed up in that earlier post is pretty much the entire conversation from start to finish.

 

And yes- very desperate sounding to tell a woman you're great in bed. Who says that!? I think- um yeah right, you're probably terrible.

 

One of the other guys I"m talking to also says he doesn't want a relationship. I'm more interested to meet him though, because he's actually trying to get to know me and hasn't said anything stupid yet.

 

LOL @ hasn't said anything stupid yet. That's a positive!

 

Let us know how it goes!

[Toodaloo]

But there wasn't even a line this time! Really! It was like, Hi what are your weekend plans? yada yada, by the way, I'm not looking for anything serious. Are you okay with that? I mean, at least prostitutes get paid. sheesh.

 

I would normally not give this guy a second thought, but it's not just this one guy. Lots of guys are doing this lately.

 

And I think that they must be successful on some level otherwise they'd stop. But I don't know a single woman who would go online and respond positively to a guy who approached them like this. I mean, maybe if he had spent some time or energy trying to win her over first, be charming. Or if he was ungodly exceptionally attractive.

 

So I'm wondering who these women are, who say- sure, I've never even met you, you're not even that attractive, and you've done literally nothing to win me over other than say Hello, but let's have sex!

 

AMJ you just have to ignore them. Also ignore the ones who want to start as FWB then move to a relationship. Ignore the ones who don't float your boat!

 

To be great in bed you both have to float each others boats... If not then it just ain't happening...

 

These days its easy to hide behind a computer screen. Then you also have all the PUA idiots who recommend stuff like this. And the bigger idiots that try and follow the "new rules"... It is a mine field. But it also goes in waves. You get a wave of idiots then you get a wave of half decent guys. You just have to ride out the waves.

[xxoo]

I understand what you're saying. While I don't know if I wanted a relationship or not with Nate either, I do know that I don't want to just hook up with him, even though he promised me that he's great in bed..lol. So, he's not worth my time.

 

 

I just wanted to know from men if this strategy works well for them or not. Because lots of guys are certainly trying it out.

 

I'm sure it works sometimes. Maybe the women are home drinking, who knows?

[Sunkissedpatio]

If someone tells you they are not ready for a relationship, believe him. If a guy tells you he is looking for nothing serious, believe him. If a guy tells you he is fresh out of a relationship and isn't looking for anything too serious, believe him.

 

Men tell you what they want. As women we have the tendency to see guys like this as a challenge "oh I'll be the one that will turn him around and make him fall hard" No you won't. Chances are no one will because he is honest enough to tell you that he is simply not open of heart for anything substantive.

 

OLD is riddled with men in transition, rebounders, freshly separated guys, guys desperately trying not to feel the pain of their breakup and looking for a quick substitute to take them out of the woods, and guys who are simply horny. Between all those guys there are decent guys that want what we want. Look for those and only spend your energy on those.

 

You are saying you are interested in meeting a guy who has told you he doesn't want a relationship stop seeing these as challenges you have to conquer. Next them until you find someone who at least says he wants a relationship. Don't waste your energy. He is trying to "get to know you" because he is smart enough to know that in order to get laid online you need to put some effort into winning a girl over. But he already told you what his intentions are. Believe him.

[Sunkissedpatio]

That could be true. I usually think long profiles just mean high maintenance and self-centered, but you could be right.

 

Wow a male friend of mine said this recently too. Why in the world does a long profile mean a person is high-maintenance!?!?!

 

I'm super curious to see the reasoning behind this...

[katiegrl]

>>"If a man tells you he is not looking for a *relationship* believe him."

---

 

^^But when a man tells you he IS looking for a relationship, you *should* believe him?

 

Uh, no. I don't think so. Because many men will tell you they *are* looking for a relationship when they are not ..... *just* to get sex.

 

Or they may think they do, but when they meet you and start dating you, realize they are NOT.

 

How many threads from women do we need to read to know this is true?

 

So what should you do? Don't believe "anything" a man says when he first meets you or before the meet. Pay attention to ACTIONS.

 

Man: "I am not looking for anything serious.".

 

You:. "Okay sure, me neither, where should we have dinner"?

 

Watch his mouth drop! LOL

 

Man: "Oh I AM looking for a relationship".

 

You: "Cool, where should we have dinner"?

 

Essentially in one ear and out the other.

 

Because as I said before, whatever they *say* can ALL change after he spends some time with YOU, and gets to know YOU. Wait a bit to have sex if you are concerned about it. Or have sex and enjoy it! YOU are the one in control of that.

 

Anyway, read some of the posts from guys attesting to this! joseb, among others.

 

And it happened to me too with my ex. Together six years before **** with drugs happened and it ended.

Edited October 5, 2016 by katiegrl

[Sunkissedpatio]

Whoa Nelly!!!

 

There are two doors you must go though to get to paradise:

 

Door number 1 leads to a precipice and sudden death. Door number 2 also might have a precipice but you will be provided tools in case you fall. Which door do you go through to get to paradise?

 

When a man tells you he isn't looking for a relationship why take a chance when he is telling you flat out he is a risky gamble?

 

When a man tells you he IS looking for a relationship you give him the benefit of the doubt and date him. You pace yourself and study his actions vs his words, until he says or does otherwise. Scenario 1 is hopeless, scenario 2 there is hope.

 

That's what dating is for, no man can guarantee you he will stick around after he sleeps with you nor should you require that from another human being. It's ideal but not an obligation. We all set ourselves up to potentially get hurt in that respect.

 

But trying to date a guy who tells you point blank "I want nothing serious" is inviting pain into your life if what you want is the opposite of that.

[AMJ]

Wow a male friend of mine said this recently too. Why in the world does a long profile mean a person is high-maintenance!?!?!

 

I'm super curious to see the reasoning behind this...

 

Because it takes a certain type of person who thinks that they are more "special" than everyone else, that someone would want to spend a longer amount of time reading their profile than the many many other profiles we have to read through.

You think- how much time does a regular person spend on a dating app each day? And how many profiles are they looking through, so how much time will they spend looking at each profile? So most people write a short paragraph about themselves. And then every now and then you come across someone who writes three long, or five long paragraphs about where they grew up, where they went to college, what year their favorite dog died, why they love baseball more than football, followed by a shopping list of very specific qualities that their ideal mate has, and what she should be looking for in life....

 

That's just exhausting. High-maintenance and self-centered. People who like to hear themselves talk and think that the world is dying to know everything about them because they are so special.

[AMJ]

AMJ you just have to ignore them. Also ignore the ones who want to start as FWB then move to a relationship. Ignore the ones who don't float your boat!

 

To be great in bed you both have to float each others boats... If not then it just ain't happening...

 

These days its easy to hide behind a computer screen. Then you also have all the PUA idiots who recommend stuff like this. And the bigger idiots that try and follow the "new rules"... It is a mine field. But it also goes in waves. You get a wave of idiots then you get a wave of half decent guys. You just have to ride out the waves.

 

Ah well, then I need to ignore all of them, Toods! 3 of my last 5 dates were guys who just wanted FBs and the other 2 actually might be insane.

[NJ123]

Because it takes a certain type of person who thinks that they are more "special" than everyone else, that someone would want to spend a longer amount of time reading their profile than the many many other profiles we have to read through.

You think- how much time does a regular person spend on a dating app each day? And how many profiles are they looking through, so how much time will they spend looking at each profile? So most people write a short paragraph about themselves. And then every now and then you come across someone who writes three long, or five long paragraphs about where they grew up, where they went to college, what year their favorite dog died, why they love baseball more than football, followed by a shopping list of very specific qualities that their ideal mate has, and what she should be looking for in life....

 

That's just exhausting. High-maintenance and self-centered. People who like to hear themselves talk and think that the world is dying to know everything about them because they are so special.

 

I actually agree & noticed this a lot myself on OLD. Whenever the woman had a long profie I would usually get turned off by some of the things they stated in it.

[AMJ]

AMJ you just have to ignore them.And the bigger idiots that try and follow the "new rules"... It is a mine field. But it also goes in waves. You get a wave of idiots then you get a wave of half decent guys. You just have to ride out the waves.

 

If I have to ride out any more waves, I'll be drowning in a tsunami.

[AMJ]

Whoa Nelly!!!

 

There are two doors you must go though to get to paradise:

 

Door number 1 leads to a precipice and sudden death. Door number 2 also might have a precipice but you will be provided tools in case you fall. Which door do you go through to get to paradise?

 

When a man tells you he isn't looking for a relationship why take a chance when he is telling you flat out he is a risky gamble?

 

When a man tells you he IS looking for a relationship you give him the benefit of the doubt and date him. You pace yourself and study his actions vs his words, until he says or does otherwise. Scenario 1 is hopeless, scenario 2 there is hope.

 

That's what dating is for, no man can guarantee you he will stick around after he sleeps with you nor should you require that from another human being. It's ideal but not an obligation. We all set ourselves up to potentially get hurt in that respect.

 

But trying to date a guy who tells you point blank "I want nothing serious" is inviting pain into your life if what you want is the opposite of that.

 

I agree. I know sometimes men are confused about what they actually want, meaning that they say they don't want relationships and later change their mind...but whatever. I don't have patience for any of that. Again, if I were in my 20s and dating younger men, that would be different. But I'm not. If guys in their mid 30s don't have it all figured out yet, that's not a puzzle I want to figure out for them.

[OneLov]

Oh I never went out with him! We talked online super briefly- what I typed up in that earlier post is pretty much the entire conversation from start to finish.

 

And yes- very desperate sounding to tell a woman you're great in bed. Who says that!? I think- um yeah right, you're probably terrible.

 

Do guys really say that? I can't believe he would say that in your first super-brief conversation. Not criticizing you at all, but as a guy, that's super weak. Sounds like he has nothing to say and no one to say it too. I don't care if the dude was the best looking guy on the planet and only looking for sex, you have to at least build anticipation. He sounds as smooth as sandpaper.

[Imajerk17]

I just wanted to know from men if this strategy works well for them or not. Because lots of guys are certainly trying it out.

 

 

To be honest, I have no idea. I've never tried this out before. I certainly wouldn't recommend this approach, no matter what a guy is looking for. Bringing up having sex before it's clear you both even like each other.... It just seems so... not smooth. The way I always thought it worked is you meet up (either it be via cold-approaching someone OR from online), you see if there is chemistry, and then you suggest going someplace else.

 

Maybe being so upfront like this ensures that the guy doesn't waste too much time w women who aren't DTF?

 

Other than that, I don't know what to tell you. Part of it is the nature of OLD--many women have reported that it is tough to meet a good guy.

 

ETA: On the long profile versus shorter profile, I'm not talking about knowing the other person's whole life story before a single email was exchanged. But if someone just puts down a paragraph full of the usual cliches, then what do you have to go by. There ARE guys online who are looking for relationships with the right woman. I know women struggling to meet the right guy HATE being told that it may be their picker that is causing them problems, but it may indeed be the case here.

[katiegrl]

I agree. I know sometimes men are confused about what they actually want, meaning that they say they don't want relationships and later change their mind...but whatever. I don't have patience for any of that.

 

Again, if I were in my 20s and dating younger men, that would be different. But I'm not. If guys in their mid 30s don't have it all figured out yet, that's not a puzzle I want to figure out for them.

 

AMJ, honestly I don't think ANYONE (man or woman) ever has it "all figured out."

 

It's ALL one big risk at any age.

 

When my dad, who was 49 when he divorced my mom, started dating again, HE experienced the same thing!

 

It was so weird talking to him about it, because growing up, I ALWAYS thought he had it all together.

 

Then he met this woman who later became my stepmom and whoa nellie, did THAT ever throw him off!

 

He didn't know which way was up for awhile just like the rest of us.

 

But they both eventually found there way, got married and were married 15 years until he passed two years ago.

 

I say, hang in, head high, stay positive and enjoy the process! Let it all take you wherever it's meant to take you.