For all the dudes online who are just looking for nookie

[fenix]

While I think it would be nice if a guy told you honestly what he is after at any point in time, ultimately it's our responsibility to make the decisions that are right for us. If at any time at date 1, 3 or 10, I choose to sleep with a guy, I do it because I want to and knowing that I can handle him never calling me again.

 

That is what I call a self empowered woman who takes responsibility for her own actions. You have all my respect!

[Els]

Well, I'm not a guy, but my perspective...

 

If I were ever single and just wanting casual sex, I would definitely look for it online. Not everyone likes the bar scene (I don't) and there's just too many unknowns.

 

Rather than 'get dressed up, go to bar, dance with some strangers, then hope to have decent sex with aforementioned stranger', uploading a profile and adding some lines sounds much easier. Plus there could be some discussion of likes/dislikes beforehand. And if, halfway through your communication, you decide this guy isn't likely to be worth having sex with, you could ditch him without it being awkward/dangerous.

[Imajerk17]

Ok I haven't read through the whole thread, but this right here might be why you are getting attention from hookup only guys.

 

Not sure which apps you use, but when i use tinder I usually assume empty profile are probably more up for hookups.

 

Excellent catch joseb. I missed this completely until you pointed it out. AMJ, this may very well be THE BIGGEST reason why you are getting the messages you are getting.

 

A guy seriously looking for a relationship will not only be putting more effort into HIS profile but he will likely pass on a profile that has no effort put into it. I mean, he will be screening for more than physical attractiveness. So if you put nothing else there, then.....yeah exactly.

 

I have seen profiles that have only one sentence in them. I typically pass. What am I supposed to write them anyway? There's nothing to go by, except their physical attractiveness. The guys who won't mind about that are the hookup focused guys.

 

AMJ, I think a complete rewrite of your profile would really help. Put enough about yourself in there so that there is something interesting for the guy to ask you in his first email and go from there. Keep in mind that your competition--the other women on Match--ARE putting in effort into it and they may be the ones getting the attention of the more relationship-oriented guys.

Edited October 8, 2016 by Imajerk17

[katiegrl]

Excellent catch joseb. I missed this completely until you pointed it out. AMJ, this may very well be THE BIGGEST reason why you are getting the messages you are getting.

 

A guy seriously looking for a relationship will not only be putting more effort into HIS profile but he will likely pass on a profile that has no effort put into it. I mean, he will be screening for more than physical attractiveness. So if you put nothing else there, then.....yeah exactly.

 

I have seen profiles that have only one sentence in them. I typically pass. What am I supposed to write them anyway? There's nothing to go by, except their physical attractiveness. The guys who won't mind about that are the hookup focused guys.

 

AMJ, I think a complete rewrite of your profile would really help. Put enough about yourself in there so that there is something interesting for the guy to ask you in his first email and go from there. Keep in mind that your competition--the other women on Match--ARE putting in effort into it and they may be the ones getting the attention of the more relationship-oriented guys.

 

I agree. Women need to rely on more than their looks if they want to attract a good quality guy.

 

When I did OLD, my profile was not long but it was chock full full substance which the men who wrote to me engaged me about.

 

I only had two pics, a head shot and full body (clothed, not suggestive)....and received approx 500 messages the first week!

 

Most (that I was able to read there were so many) engaging me on stuff in my profile... and pics.

 

A few caught my eye and I messaged back. Soon after they asked to meet. No sexual stuff was even mentioned on that first meet! But did receive a few kisses good night and most called for a second date.

 

This was my experience on match.com. Never used the dating apps like Tinder and wouldn't!

 

So yeah, a substantive profile would definitely be helpful!

Edited October 8, 2016 by katiegrl

[NuevoYorko]

Maybe more women should ask a guy his intentions before she jumps into bed with him. That works better than assuming he thinks as she does, and then blaming him when he does not.

OK. But she's not exactly "jumping into bed" with you if you've been out on 3 or 4 dates with her.

 

I don't know, I guess I'm just old fashioned - but I think a man would be a weak, disrespectful lout to string a woman along for a while just so he could get laid. Maybe it's up to HIM to ask her about her intentions.

[fenix]

OK. But she's not exactly "jumping into bed" with you if you've been out on 3 or 4 dates with her.

 

I don't know, I guess I'm just old fashioned - but I think a man would be a weak, disrespectful lout to string a woman along for a while just so he could get laid. Maybe it's up to HIM to ask her about her intentions.

 

There is something that I don't understand... why would be the burden of bringing up that question with the man and not with the girl?

If she is afraid to be stringed along, why not to ask the "what are we" "where we go from here"?

It seems that women (and some men here) think that is the men responsibility to bring clarity to the situation and not the woman, why?

[Sunkissedpatio]

Ok I haven't read through the whole thread, but this right here might be why you are getting attention from hookup only guys.

 

Not sure which apps you use, but when i use tinder I usually assume empty profile are probably more up for hookups.

 

I mentioned this earlier in the thread but got shot down, glad it's coming from a guy's perspective.

 

As a woman online, when I get "you are so beautiful" "wow you look so gorgeous in all your pictures" "hi there, I loved your pictures you look great" and the likes as an initial contact and nothing more, I don't bother responding.

 

The few times I have responded the guy was dry, had nothing to say and all he wanted was to get my number right away to text or to meet for a drink right away without sharing anything about himself or taking any interest in me as a human being even to exchange 2 substantial messages.

What that means to me? Looking for sex only.

 

 

On the other hand, when a guy writes with focus on something I said in my profile (which is a few paragraphs long and too bad if some don't read it because others certainly do) or says my profile had him laughing out loud and read it from start to finish and sprinkles the message with "and by the way you look great in your pictures" Totally different story. He's got ALL my attention.

 

Looking at guys' profiles here is what determines if I will read a profile or not: if I like what I see in the pictures, I'm inclined to read the entire profile. If I don't, won't bother. I suspect guys might do the same.

 

Been online for a month, had tons of propositions for sex, heck I was even propositioned if I would be interested in being in a long term relationship with two men. You gotta laugh at online behaviour.

 

Had 3 dates now none of them were inappropriate or making weird sexual passes in any shape way or form. There was flirting in some and I suspect they do want sex because they are clearly attracted and that is what guys want when they are attracted to you. Nothing offensive about that, I prefer it that way actually.

Edited October 8, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[Imajerk17]

There is something that I don't understand... why would be the burden of bringing up that question with the man and not with the girl?

If she is afraid to be stringed along, why not to ask the "what are we" "where we go from here"?

It seems that women (and some men here) think that is the men responsibility to bring clarity to the situation and not the woman, why?

 

Well, there's really a thin line for both genders though.

 

For men, there's a thin line between (A) getting physical in the process of getting to know someone we aren't sure about yet, vs (B) having sex with someone we already know we aren't into.

 

For women, there's a thin line between (A) going on a few dates with someone they aren't already attracted to AKA "giving someone a fair chance" which is encouraged, vs (B) continuing to go on dates with someone they aren't into AKA stringing someone along.

 

I think most people here would agree that (A) for both genders is fine, and (B) for both genders is really wrong. The question may be where the line between (A) and (B) is drawn. And related to that, what each gender should do to protect themselves from being led on, AND to avoid leading someone else on while giving things a chance. It does seem like a fine line sometimes, which may be why this debate has gone on for several pages on this thread.

Edited October 8, 2016 by Imajerk17

[AMJ]

I will rewrite my profile and see if that changes things.

 

And again, my point was not that men are bad for wanting sex. My point was about manners and being respectful and treating each other decently.

 

I think it's really sad when people have this attitude like, "so what, I don't owe him/her anything, we just had sex, who cares?" I mean no, you don't owe that person a marriage, but we all owe each other some basic demonstrations of human kindness. If you show more respect or consideration for your taxi driver, bartender, or person who bags your groceries, than you show to a person you just had sex with, you need to do some soul searching.

[Sunkissedpatio]

And again, my point was not that men are bad for wanting sex. My point was about manners and being respectful and treating each other decently.

 

I think it's really sad when people have this attitude like, "so what, I don't owe him/her anything, we just had sex, who cares?" I mean no, you don't owe that person a marriage, but we all owe each other some basic demonstrations of human kindness. If you show more respect or consideration for your taxi driver, bartender, or person who bags your groceries, than you show to a person you just had sex with, you need to do some soul searching.

 

I agree 100%, it's the same thing we hope for when someone is breaking up with us or vice versa. Do you have to be such a MOFO just to say I don't want this anymore? Up until yesterday you were digging everything about me now you'd rather gnaw your own arm off to escape than be a respectful adult and leave with dignity?

 

The problem is that some people don't take rejection well and will try to talk the rejector out of their decision so they assume being rude to everyone and ghosting is less hassles. It can go both ways.

 

I do feel that after sharing something as intimate as sex with someone you do owe it to the other person to let them know you are no longer interested. Just disappearing or being rude about it is the easy route but not the respectful thing to do to another human being.

 

I hope changing your profile will make a difference AMJ you deserve a solid well-meaning guy

[fenix]

Well, there's really a thin line for both genders though.

 

For men, there's a thin line between (A) getting physical in the process of getting to know someone we aren't sure about yet, vs (B) having sex with someone we already know we aren't into.

 

For women, there's a thin line between (A) going on a few dates with someone they aren't already attracted to AKA "giving someone a fair chance" which is encouraged, vs (B) continuing to go on dates with someone they aren't into AKA stringing someone along.

 

I think most people here would agree that (A) for both genders is fine, and (B) for both genders is really wrong. The question may be where the line between (A) and (B) is drawn. And related to that, what each gender should do to protect themselves from being led on, AND to avoid leading someone else on while giving things a chance. It does seem like a fine line sometimes, which may be why this debate has gone on for several pages on this thread.

 

I still don't agree with you. If I am interested romantically in a given person I am going to make sure we both are in the same page before I further invest myself into that relationship ( either emotionally or physically). I think a woman should do the same... if a woman doesn't ask the right questions before having sex with someone then she should not be offended when things aren't as she planned...assuming that the other person is seeing that in the same color she does is naive and irresponsible, no man is at fault that you assumed wrong... don't assume and you will be safe!

[katiegrl]

I agree 100%, it's the same thing we hope for when someone is breaking up with us or vice versa. Do you have to be such a MOFO just to say I don't want this anymore? Up until yesterday you were digging everything about me now you'd rather gnaw your own arm off to escape than be a respectful adult and leave with dignity?

 

The problem is that some people don't take rejection well and will try to talk the rejector out of their decision so they assume being rude to everyone and ghosting is less hassles. It can go both ways.

 

I do feel that after sharing something as intimate as sex with someone you do owe it to the other person to let them know you are no longer interested. Just disappearing or being rude about it is the easy route but not the respectful thing to do to another human being.

 

I hope changing your profile will make a difference AMJ you deserve a solid well-meaning guy

 

Of course!!

 

But is that what this thread is about?

 

I thought it was about guys asking for sex on or before first meet?

 

I agree with both you and AMJ re exercising integrity, common courtesy/decency and respect after sexual relations.

 

Perhaps a separate thread should be created about that.

Edited October 8, 2016 by katiegrl

[AMJ]

What would that thread be called? Etiquette for hitting it and quitting it?

lol.

[AMJ]

Maybe I should start the thread. None of the ladies I hooked up with are bitter about it, so I must be doing something right.

 

This should be good.

[Els]

I will rewrite my profile and see if that changes things.

 

And again, my point was not that men are bad for wanting sex. My point was about manners and being respectful and treating each other decently.

 

I think it's really sad when people have this attitude like, "so what, I don't owe him/her anything, we just had sex, who cares?" I mean no, you don't owe that person a marriage, but we all owe each other some basic demonstrations of human kindness. If you show more respect or consideration for your taxi driver, bartender, or person who bags your groceries, than you show to a person you just had sex with, you need to do some soul searching.

 

I didn't read the whole thread, so I might be missing something here, but why is it 'lacking in manners/kindness/respect' for a person to state up-front that they are looking for a hookup? Or are we talking about something else entirely?

[AMJ]

I didn't read the whole thread, so I might be missing something here, but why is it 'lacking in manners/kindness/respect' for a person to state up-front that they are looking for a hookup? Or are we talking about something else entirely?

 

Yeah, I did explain this in some detail a bunch of times. Including the word for word message.

 

So it really all boils down to timing and delivery, but also presumption.

 

If someone just writes in their profile, "not looking for a relationship" that's not offensive. To ask someone out, and then say- oh but I don't want a relationship. If that's cool with you? We can have dinner, see how it goes, and then come back to my place to get physical after?

 

We talked about how OLD makes men think that saying something like that isn't rude. Even though I'm pretty sure most would agree they'd never say something like that to a woman they'd met at a coffee shop.

[SensitiveTJ]

Ok. I thought I already said this, but I'll reiterate.

 

I'm not anti-sex. I'm not upset that guys want to have sex with me. I DO however, think it's rude when a guy is presumptuous and asks me to have sex with him, when it's the second thing he says to me after- Hi, nice to meet you, what are your weekend plans?

 

Let me put it this way. Would you ever approach a woman in public, ask her out, she says yes, then immediately say "Great! Let's have dinner tonight. And if you're feeling up to it, we can go back to my place after and get physical? I'm not interested in a relationship right now, I work too much and don't have time for that. But if you'd like to hook up with me tonight, I'm in!"

 

And I'm not saying a guy has never said something like that to me in person, because that's also happened more than once in my life. And I always think it's rude, disrespectful, and clearly that approach has never gone over well with me.

 

I guess I'm surprised that men actually do talk like that to you. I've never mentioned sex on date 1, though it's certainly happened, lol.

[katiegrl]

AMJ, I get where you are coming from here. You aren't offended by men who openly admit to you that they want a physical relationship only, you are offended by their manner in so doing. I have to agree with you. There is a huge difference between telling a girl that you are only interested in a casual relationship at this time, and just saying, "show me your bewbs." One way is definitely a nicer way to accomplish the same goal, but we are talking about OLD here, not the coffee shop.

 

If a random guy says hello to you in a coffee shop, I assume a nice lady like yourself will kindly say hello back. Online, if a nice guy sends a friendly message to a lady, she will ignore that crap and say she doesn't owe him the courtesy of a response.

 

I have to agree with enigma (first paragraph)....and was actually gonna post something about it but he beat me to it.

 

It still boggles my mind that you encounter *so* many men who behave this way especially during the first meet. Geez.

 

And like enigma said, there is definitely a nicer less offensive way to say you just want sex without being so blatantly disrespectful and rude!

 

It's also stupid on their part and certainly not conducive to getting what they want... but whatevs... that's their problem ... not yours.

 

For me I would still try to let it roll off (get up and walk out, not respond back if over text, hang up if said over phone)...but putting myself in your shoes, if I had *so* many men behaving this way, yeah I am sure it would piss me off too after awhile!

 

Apologies for not getting that earlier.. the way you presented it initially, I had a different impression of how it was all going down. I get it now.

 

To enigma, re not receiving response back, speaking personally when I did OLD, which was only for a few weeks years ago cause I hated it, that first week I received approx 500 messages! Match.com.

 

There was no way I could even read them all, let alone respond to them all.

 

If I had 500 men saying hi to me at a coffee shop, no way could I say hi to all of them either! Lol

 

So maybe keep that in mind when you don't receive response back?

 

Especially when she is new on line... she is getting bombarded!

 

You may even know all this already, just thought I would add my three pence based on my own experience.

Edited October 9, 2016 by katiegrl

[LookAtThisPOst]

Okay, spill it. I want to hear it all.

 

I'm meeting too many of you lately and I need answers.

 

First of all, why are you going through all of the trouble of online dating just to have sex with random people? That's what bars are for. It doesn't get much simpler than going out on Friday night, buying some drinks, dancing awkwardly with a woman who's also had some drinks, and then going home to have sex.

That is the old fashioned way of no strings attached.

With OLD, you need to take photos, upload those photos, write a stupid profile, make it sound clever. Go through the torture of messaging women and trying to win them over, all heaps and heaps of effort in comparison to the old-fashioned way.

 

Ten years ago, before smart phones, OLD was only for people who were very serious about dating. That's precisely because it takes a lot of effort to meet someone that way. It still takes a lot of effort. Now even moreso because we have people who all want different things and it's not easy to figure out who wants what.

 

So, I'd like men to answer and explain why they think OLD is a great way to meet women for FB or FWB or random hookups etc, do you not think it's way too much effort just to get laid? That's question #1.

 

Question #2 is for men who are using OLD for random hookups, how do women respond when you tell them from the get-go that that is your intention?

 

Question #3- in your experience, how many women online are either looking for primarily, or just accepting of- casual sex?

 

It's now more convenient than ever that right at your finger tips you can push a few buttons to get a bootie calls.

 

If I had a dime for EVERY woman that said in their dating profile, "Not looking for a bootycall, one-night stand, etc" I'd be a rich man. Of course, if I contact them convincing I'm not one of THOSE guys, I get ignored *shrug* go figure.

[AMJ]

AMJ, I get where you are coming from here. You aren't offended by men who openly admit to you that they want a physical relationship only, you are offended by their manner in so doing. I have to agree with you. There is a huge difference between telling a girl that you are only interested in a casual relationship at this time, and just saying, "show me your bewbs." One way is definitely a nicer way to accomplish the same goal, but we are talking about OLD here, not the coffee shop. If a random guy says hello to you in a coffee shop, I assume a nice lady like yourself will kindly say hello back. Online, if a nice guy sends a friendly message to a lady, she will ignore that crap and say she doesn't owe him the courtesy of a response.

 

I send messages to men too, and not all of them respond back.

It's almost comical because I'll do this on Bumble, which means the guys I'm messaging already supposedly are attracted to me or interested. And yet they still don't even bother to write back.

 

And on other dating sites, I've messaged men and not received responses. Actually I usually never get responses on other sites when messaging men first.

 

If someone takes the time to write something that is polite and thoughtful, I'd usually respond, even if just to say that I'm not interested. But if someone is copy pasting and just sending brief one sentence emails, I don't feel obligated to respond.

 

Likewise, when approached by men in public, I've experienced all sorts of situations. Men who are polite and respectful, and are appealing in some way, so they get my attention. Men who are rude, act like I should be grateful that they even approached me. Men who do straight up make sexual comments about my body or just dirty suggestive comments in general. Nice and shy men who screw up their own effort to talk to me. I want to say I've seen it all, but I'm sure someone will come along and surprise me with a whole new approach. I will say this much, as the gender assigned to the burden of pursuing women, lots of you have learned to be creative. Its safe to say women are pretty simple when it comes to attracting someone, we have very few plays in our playbook.

 

Maybe your point is that online, men are more blunt because they want to get your attention?

 

I take more offense to a guy who's disrespectful to me than a guy who ignores my message. I would rather be ignored than...asked for naked photos, sent naked photos, asked to have sex before a date even happens...

 

I saw this video about microagressions, and it kind of resonated with how I feel. And honestly, I'm sure I rolled my eyes the first time I heard "microagressions" because it's like, really, everyone, just get over it. Like Katie says, let it roll off you. But Katie, just how I've known you to get all riled up on this site, if you started OLD, you would be extremely irritated because this stuff would happen to you too, all the time.

 

How microaggressions are like mosquito bites | Fusion

[katiegrl]

I send messages to men too, and not all of them respond back.

It's almost comical because I'll do this on Bumble, which means the guys I'm messaging already supposedly are attracted to me or interested. And yet they still don't even bother to write back.

 

And on other dating sites, I've messaged men and not received responses. Actually I usually never get responses on other sites when messaging men first.

 

If someone takes the time to write something that is polite and thoughtful, I'd usually respond, even if just to say that I'm not interested. But if someone is copy pasting and just sending brief one sentence emails, I don't feel obligated to respond.

 

Likewise, when approached by men in public, I've experienced all sorts of situations. Men who are polite and respectful, and are appealing in some way, so they get my attention. Men who are rude, act like I should be grateful that they even approached me. Men who do straight up make sexual comments about my body or just dirty suggestive comments in general. Nice and shy men who screw up their own effort to talk to me. I want to say I've seen it all, but I'm sure someone will come along and surprise me with a whole new approach. I will say this much, as the gender assigned to the burden of pursuing women, lots of you have learned to be creative. Its safe to say women are pretty simple when it comes to attracting someone, we have very few plays in our playbook.

 

Maybe your point is that online, men are more blunt because they want to get your attention?

 

I take more offense to a guy who's disrespectful to me than a guy who ignores my message. I would rather be ignored than...asked for naked photos, sent naked photos, asked to have sex before a date even happens...

 

I saw this video about microagressions, and it kind of resonated with how I feel. And honestly, I'm sure I rolled my eyes the first time I heard "microagressions" because it's like, really, everyone, just get over it. Like Katie says, let it roll off you.

 

 

----

 

*** But Katie, just how I've known you to get all riled up on this site, if you started OLD, you would be extremely irritated because this stuff would happen to you too, all the time.

 

How microaggressions are like mosquito bites | Fusion

 

Oh I would definitely!

 

Did you read my entire last post? The one after enigma's?

 

I admitted it would piss me off if it happened all the time, I was totally empathizing with you.

 

Maybe you missed that part?

[katiegrl]

Oh I would definitely!

 

Did you read my entire last post? The one after enigma's?

 

I admitted it would piss me off if it happened all the time, I was totally empathizing with you.

 

Maybe you missed that part?

 

Also, the last time I did OLD was like 8 years ago and clearly things have changed.

 

It was also a paying site -- match - that may make a difference.

 

Would guys fork over $500+ bucks a year only to ask a chick to have sex before or on on the first meet?

 

I wouldn't think so, but I spose anything is possible.

 

Guys?

[Shining One]

Would guys fork over $500+ bucks a year only to ask a chick to have sex before or on on the first meet?

 

I wouldn't think so, but I spose anything is possible.

 

Guys?

I haven't tried this, but it doesn't seem outlandish to me. Some men pay $500 for an hour with an escort. You can get a year of Match for considerably less than that. Depending on your area, that's potentially thousands of women you can reach out to. Most guys will get a horrendous successful response rate, but it's still relatively cheap sex if you get a few takers.

[AMJ]

Paid sites should weed out a lot of losers, yes. But then, maybe the biggest creep of them all I met on Match. He had a GF and was still dating people on Match. And lying about everything. He lied about where he lived, about his job.

 

I then thought, okay, let's try eharmony. But no one is on eharmony anymore, because there are all these free sites that are more popular. In a year I think that site gave me like 5 dates. They'd send me one match per week. ONE! So you're paying a lot of money to give up all personal preference about who you want to go out with.

[katiegrl]

I haven't tried this, but it doesn't seem outlandish to me. Some men pay $500 for an hour with an escort. You can get a year of Match for considerably less than that. Depending on your area, that's potentially thousands of women you can reach out to. Most guys will get a horrendous successful response rate, but it's still relatively cheap sex if you get a few takers.

 

K.

 

I will defer to you then as you are a guy, you would know.

 

It never happened to me, but as I said things have clearly changed since then!

 

Guys were in the mid to late 20s-early 40s age bracket at the time.

 

Successful upstanding guys.

 

The ones I responded to anyway, as I said, during my short stint... I received literally hundreds of messages!

 

Couldn't respond to them all.