Kelley Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 I have been a bit of an idiot really! Two year relationship, 6 months in a woman reappeared in my then mans life. They had met before me, but the timing wasn't right. I just had a gut feeling something was wrong, so checked his phone, I have never done that in my life! But I found text messages and long phone calls everyday. The texts were overstepping the mark and disrespecting me. I confronted him and he broke down saying he was sorry I was the one he loved and would cut contact. It took so much to get past that, as for me the trust had gone. But I loved this man, and he was good to me in other areas of our relationship. He cut contact and we were happy so I thought. Then a year and a half later I find out they have been in contact again. This time I confronted him and it was a different story. No I will cut contact, it was all we are just friends you can't tell me what to do. I found out they had been seeing each other behind my back too! We argued, he still said he loved me and he was with me. I'm with you arn't I, not her? I was so blind and let it continue, causing me anxiety making myself ill for two weeks! Two weeks later he broke up with me, saying he needed space to work things out. He said he wasn't seeing his 'friend' and needed to work out what he wanted. He was my best friend and we continued to talk and text. 3 months on, the talking and texting became less frequent, and I knew something had changed. He would talk to me all the time, all hours, and now it wasn't the same. We met up for the first time in 3 months on Sunday. He told me he is now seeing the woman that remained a constant in our relationship. He said that he wasn't in love and not that happy and that he still loved me. Even saying that, he didn't say lets get back together he is still with her. It's his birthday this week and he is going away with her to celebrate it. I should have opened my eyes, but I was blinded by my feelings. I have blocked his number now and e-mail. He isn't on Social Media. I'm devastated, he has just used me as an emotional crutch and moved on and I have stayed put. Trying to make me feel better saying he isn't that happy and not in love with her! How to I get past this? I feel so much pain and anger at my stupidity. Also this is here for anyone that finds them in any situation where a 'friend' comes back into his life! Link to post Share on other sites
HumanMachine Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 He's a scumbag that will do exactly the same thing to her, you won't he wasting any more time with him!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BluesPower Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 Perfect example of the "Friends" issue. You did what everyone does, you wanted to believe that he was telling the truth. It would have been so much easier if he had just broken up like a man, but he did not. This is also the reason that you don't put up with opposite sex "Friends" in a relationship. This happens all the time. How do you get over it? It will just take time. Have a rebound and just move on with life. Over time the pain will ease, it always does. Good Luck... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
aloneinaz Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 You get past this by reading the NC thread at the top of the page and then apply it. STOP beating yourself up. Everyone has made mistakes like this in R/S. He actions should only reinforce he wasn't the right person for you. Be glad you didn't marry him and have 2 kids when you found this out. You really dodged a bullet. If you want to feel better, change your phone number and block him from emailing you as well. He'll take the hint and leave you alone. Out of sight, out of mind and NC will help you heal and move forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Midnight_Madness Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 'How to I get past this? I feel so much pain and anger at my stupidity. Also this is here for anyone that finds them in any situation where a 'friend' comes back into his life!'. Hi, Don't be angry at your supposed stupidity. Trusting a romantic partner is a good trait to have, it is just unfortunate he was an untrustworthy fellow. The 'friend' was an instigator for his deceit, this was in no way a fault of your own. I'm certain that realising what was going on sooner would have been nicer and better for you. However, it isn't your job to cross check every piece of information given to you. As a human it would be simply too much work. How do you move past this? By not allowing this negative experience to be detrimental to your future romantic endeavours. Don't stop trusting people's word because in a majority of relationships people are truthful and do tell the truth. One bad egg does not mean the whole egg carton is bad. Best of wishes for the future ?. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 I just had a gut feeling something was wrong, so checked his phone, I have never done that in my life! But I found text messages and long phone calls everyday. The texts were overstepping the mark and disrespecting me. I confronted him and he broke down saying he was sorry I was the one he loved and would cut contact. It took so much to get past that, as for me the trust had gone. But I loved this man, and he was good to me in other areas of our relationship. He cut contact and we were happy so I thought. Then a year and a half later I find out they have been in contact again. This time I confronted him and it was a different story. No I will cut contact, it was all we are just friends you can't tell me what to do. I found out they had been seeing each other behind my back too! We argued, he still said he loved me and he was with me. I'm with you arn't I, not her? I was so blind and let it continue, causing me anxiety making myself ill for two weeks! Two weeks later he broke up with me, saying he needed space to work things out. He said he wasn't seeing his 'friend' and needed to work out what he wanted. He was my best friend and we continued to talk and text. 3 months on, the talking and texting became less frequent, and I knew something had changed. He would talk to me all the time, all hours, and now it wasn't the same. We met up for the first time in 3 months on Sunday. He told me he is now seeing the woman that remained a constant in our relationship. He said that he wasn't in love and not that happy and that he still loved me. Even saying that, he didn't say lets get back together he is still with her. It's his birthday this week and he is going away with her to celebrate it. I should have opened my eyes, but I was blinded by my feelings. I have blocked his number now and e-mail. He isn't on Social Media. I'm devastated, he has just used me as an emotional crutch and moved on and I have stayed put. Trying to make me feel better saying he isn't that happy and not in love with her! How to I get past this? I feel so much pain and anger at my stupidity. Also this is here for anyone that finds them in any situation where a 'friend' comes back into his life! You get past it by cutting contact. Remember, something set off your alert meter, and that is why you checked his phone. Guess what? You found out your spidey senses were spot on. He promised to cut contact and didn't. To add insult to injury, he saw her behind your back. Yeah, when contact starts dwindling, you realize you aren't a priority. That sucks, but for relationships to work, it takes both ppl initiating and reciprocating equally. His platitude about loving you, not her, would have earned him an attitude adjustment! You'll get through this, not without some ups and downs, but remember how you got to this point. He doesn't respect his current gf either, or he wouldn't have made that pathetic remark. Hold your head up. You are not settling for a jerk who lies, cheats, and is disrespectful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelley Posted October 4, 2016 Author Share Posted October 4, 2016 He doesn't respect his current gf either, or he wouldn't have made that pathetic remark. Hold your head up. You are not settling for a jerk who lies, cheats, and is disrespectful. Thank you all, much appreciated. You are right if he can say what he did to me he is already disrespecting his girlfriend. I wish her all the best! But she knew he was in a relationship and pursued him, so maybe she deserves it! I know it takes two, I'm just saying I'm just going to go strict NC and just move on day by day. I have dodged a bullet, at least that should help, I just need to let go of this anger and not blame myself. I will try and run it off! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
RyanO1991 Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 Thank you all, much appreciated. You are right if he can say what he did to me he is already disrespecting his girlfriend. I wish her all the best! But she knew he was in a relationship and pursued him, so maybe she deserves it! I know it takes two, I'm just saying I'm just going to go strict NC and just move on day by day. I have dodged a bullet, at least that should help, I just need to let go of this anger and not blame myself. I will try and run it off! Good for you. He's made a big mistake in pushing you away. Sooner or later, he's going to regret it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelley Posted October 4, 2016 Author Share Posted October 4, 2016 Good for you. He's made a big mistake in pushing you away. Sooner or later, he's going to regret it. And when he does I won't care. Moving on not looking back. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Methodical Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 You go, girl. You were fully invested and he wasn't. You don't have time for his childish games . 1 Link to post Share on other sites
RyanO1991 Posted October 4, 2016 Share Posted October 4, 2016 And when he does I won't care. Moving on not looking back. With this mindset, Kelley, you'll go far. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelley Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 OK I will start off by saying that I am a genuine empathetic person, I work with troubled families, I get more from giving than receiving, it is just the way I am! My friends tell me I'm way too nice for my own good! I do need to re-assess my boundaries though, because if I'm ever in a relationship where my partner crosses the line with a 'friend' again I'm out of there! But anyway my question is because of my nature I'm in two minds to send my ex a quick message saying happy birthday, it's a milestone one too. I know, crazy right?!? On the other hand he is away with his now girlfriend that he cheated on me with, so I should be saying I'm not sending that scumbag anything! I have blocked him everywhere, it's not an excuse to contact him, I know that, I'm going through this pain to heal and move on. I just feel I should send him something for some reason. Can somebody please put me straight! Link to post Share on other sites
Bialy Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 DO NOT send him a birthday message. No, no, no. Write your message to him in the pinned thread in the Coping Forum. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 There is absolutely NO reason whatsoever to send your ex a Happy Birthday message. No matter how good a person you are, it is completely unnecessary. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Bialy Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 Write your message to him here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/556556-no-contact-support-thread-post-here-instead-contacting-your-ex-33.html 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Deadmeat Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 I wrote my ex a happy bday email after 1 month NC. I was blocked from everything but found a way to connect to her via phone. Email was the only way to connect to her. I sent her a combo happy bday and closure email. She responded with a short email. Essentially it's over and thank you and she's cutting all ties. This was 2 days ago. I've got my closure and I've accepted it. I can now truly heal. Not sure if this helps but I know what you're feeling and that's what I did. I'm in a better place now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelley Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 Thank you, thing is I don't need closure he has moved on and has a girlfriend (the woman he cheated on me with, but claims not to love as he still loves me (take with a lot of salt). Thinking about it, and typing the above I won't be sending anything, I'm best keeping NC for my own wellbeing and moving on. I wrote my ex a happy bday email after 1 month NC. I was blocked from everything but found a way to connect to her via phone. Email was the only way to connect to her. I sent her a combo happy bday and closure email. She responded with a short email. Essentially it's over and thank you and she's cutting all ties. This was 2 days ago. I've got my closure and I've accepted it. I can now truly heal. Not sure if this helps but I know what you're feeling and that's what I did. I'm in a better place now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 5, 2016 Share Posted October 5, 2016 (edited) Being an empathetic person has nothing to do with one lacking self-respect. You can be empathetic, armored with healthy boundaries and self-love/self-respect. Empathetic doesn't equal a doormat. Don't tie the two together. Even after cheating on you, your need to reach out to him is your NEED to present yourself as a nice and thoughtful person -- an indication of your self-esteem in that you still desire his validation. It has nothing to do with your giving nature. It has everything to do with the value you see within yourself. Edited October 5, 2016 by Zahara 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelley Posted October 5, 2016 Author Share Posted October 5, 2016 I could only say that this has really knocked my confidence and you are right, I need to really kick my self-respect into gear! As for boundaries I have learned a lot from this relationship, and there won't be a repeat performance! Being an empathetic person has nothing to do with one lacking self-respect. You can be empathetic, armored with healthy boundaries and self-love/self-respect. Empathetic doesn't equal a doormat. Don't tie the two together. Even after cheating on you, your need to reach out to him is your NEED to present yourself as a nice and thoughtful person -- an indication of your self-esteem in that you still desire his validation. It has nothing to do with your giving nature. It has everything to do with the value you see within yourself. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelley Posted October 6, 2016 Author Share Posted October 6, 2016 It's his birthday today, it's crazy as my head is in the right place to move on but my heart still wants to hold on and send him a message. Scared of what he will think if I don't, when in reality he doesn't care he has moved on! I will just have to keep strong and survive the day, I just keep reminding myself he is with her, holding her hand, cuddling up to her .... my day will come, Link to post Share on other sites
LastAcorn99 Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Aww…i’m sorry,Kelley. Sending you hugs. I would suggest that you keep it at “no contact” -- why leave yourself vulnerable to getting hurt again? Take care! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Bialy Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Scared of what he will think if I don't, when in reality he doesn't care he has moved on, Yes. He doesn't care because he has moved on. I hate to be crass, but think about it this way: Was he thinking about you when he cheated on you -- when he was drilling his current girlfriend behind your back? No. Don't bother. Be strong. Your ex will be spending time with his girlfriend. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kelley Posted October 6, 2016 Author Share Posted October 6, 2016 I think my moods are just going up and down, and yes he is with her, and yes he has moved on. Not sending the text signals that I'm moving on too .... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Zahara Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 I think my moods are just going up and down, and yes he is with her, and yes he has moved on. Not sending the text signals that I'm moving on too .... I think you want to remind him of your existence. You want to show him that you still care. Well, he doesn't because he already showed you that when he cheated on you. A text from you will look to him this way -- "I cheated on her and she's wishing me happy birthday!" He'll probably snicker, laugh, inflate his ego and devalue you even more. Feel your moods, just don't react on them. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stemac Posted October 6, 2016 Share Posted October 6, 2016 Kelley you might be the lovlest lady around but please don't send a message to him he really doesn't deserve it and you, keep your pride I know its hard I've been like that many times but I grit my teeth and pushed through it, I still want to do it but I am alot more stronger now to fight it, I really wish you all the best x 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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